(Closed) My Husband's Exes. Trouble…again.

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
7169 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I would confront him and tell him in no uncertain terms that he can either be with you and stop focusing on these girls or you need to move on.  That is ridiculous.  That is not like a picture here or there- he sounds obsessed.  If he wants these girls in his life so much- he should go try to pursue that with one/both of them.

Post # 4
Member
4499 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@DimeStoreDropout:  I would confront him with it and ask him why it is so important for him to keep all of those photos? I can see a handful with some good memories of trips or whatever, but 400 photos of exes?! I would be most upset about him lying about talking to the ex. In general I don’t think its a big deal as long as the conversations are pretty benign, but if he is hiding it then, to me, that is a problem.

Post # 5
Member
606 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Probably the wrong this to do but I would wipe the disk clean! Serves him bloody well right after all the conversations you have had about it….apart from that I would give him an ultimatum and if he cant detach himself from her or them I would not be with him.

Post # 7
Member
437 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Do me a favor and read back through your post. I cannot believe you are still with this individual. He’s obviously hung up on these other women, and is making you uncomfortable in your own home. He is most definitely emotionally cheating on you, and whether you are willing to fight through this is your own choice.

Personally, I would snap the CD into trillions of pieces, leave it in a box on the counter, and pack my stuff and go…but you need to decide if you want to WORK through this. It can’t be ignored, because he is eventually going to go back to this julie chick. Either you work towards fixing the problem, or you leave, because this is not just going to go away.

I just checked to see if you are married, and I see that you are…counseling or a divorce seem to be your only choices. “Pretending this CD doesn’t exist” is going to bite you in the ass when you find out he’s sleeping with Julie down the road (not that he is now…but I think he’s well on his way to doing it).

I’m sure this isn’t what you wanted to hear, and I hope you don’t think I’m being mean or heartless. I am just extremely peeved you’re going through this, and can’t believe what he’s doing to you!! Be strong, but get help please before he has a physical affair

 

Post # 8
Member
850 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

He definitely sounds obsessed, I agree with the PP. If it was me, I might be angry enought to actuallly destroy the CD. He’s MARRIED to YOU. Why does he need 400 pictures of his ex?!

I’m sorry girl, the only advice I can think of is to confront him about and maybe seek counseling together. If after all that, he still can’t let his exes go then you might want to seriously reconsider whether it’s worth it to stay in this marriage. :/

Post # 11
Member
1125 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I’d have broken it and said “There, I got rid of it for you!” 

In the beginning of the relationship with my husband we drank a lot, and with that I heard WAY more than I needed about his ex’s. Way too much. Not only that but I saw emails from the ex’s and his “I love you so much sexy” emails he kept. The first month of us officially dating he still had pictures of him kissing an ex on his myspace(yeah in myspace days) and one where his head was practically down her shirt and her caption said “He loves my boobies” (they were tagged photos of him). They stayed put even though I’d beat around the bush about how it made me uncomfortable. Eventually I came right out and said “I’m tired of seeing these pictures of you with your ex, you need to remove them or I’ll remove myself, I don’t need reminders of them”. So he removed them.

He’s a musician so a few months into his relationship he tried out for a band. He is a drummer but wanted to try singing. I was all for it and excited for him, heck I waited outside for 3 hours while he tried out. He had to write his own song too. When I read the song it looked like a heart broken love song. I asked what it was about and he said he wrote it about his ex from 5 years before we met. The ex he always talked about, the ex who he used all of his other ex’s to get over (leading up to the girl right before me, but he swore I wasn’t just another to get over his ex). Of everything in the world to write about, he chose his ex. He still hasn’t written a song about me! Well no I take that back, he wrote one last year about me but only ever got the verse, and it was a song about a really traumatic thing we went through together with my health. I was so upset about that song he wrote about her, it caused a huge fight, he ended up burning the song. I feel bad for how I acted about it because I got really mad, but I mean come on now!

Then that brings me to his clothes. He was the skater type when we met. So when I went in his closet and saw all these button collar shirts and one of them *pink* which he doesn’t wear I asked how long he had them and if he used to have ajob where he needed them, just talking you know. Apparently the ex from 5 years prior had gotten him the shirts and he just never got rid of them. So I told him it made me uncomfortable and left it at that. Every so often I would see the shirts were still there and bring it up but never straight out say I wanted him to toss them. 2 years into our relationship and they were still there! By that point I was sick of seeing them so I demanded he throw them away or I would know he hasn’t gotten over her and would be gone. If he can’t get rid of something as simple as a shirt that upsets me, obviously he cared more about his memories with her than my feelings. So finally he got rid of them.

Now we have the issue of him running into his ex’s and a lot of them are big mouths that like to rehash his relationship with them while I’m there. Oh it bugged the crap out of me. I still have trouble with this from time to time.

BUT, in the beginning of the relationship when his mentioning his ex’s and such, it caused a lot of problems and like you, me not saying anything just made it worse. It didn’t get better until I firmly told him how I felt and what he needed to do. And even then there were trust issues because it just went on for so long without him caring it seemed like.

It’s taken therapy and being validated of my feelings for me to get over it. And in one of our councelling sessions the pastor validated my feelings and told my husband I had every reason to be hurt and upset over it all and with that my husband became more understanding that I wasn’t just over reacting that I had legitimate reasons to be upset.

Point of me going over all of this with you… It wont stop until you get mad and do something about it. You are allowed to get mad. Don’t yell and cuss at him but stand your ground. You don’t deserve the reminders. You don’t deserve to feel second best. You can get past this and not worry anymore about his past, he just has to stop giving you reasons to worry, which includes banning all ex related things from your lives.

Councelling also helped wonders with this, it takes a lot to build the trust and confidence back up and will help a lot in your relationship, your SO will be able to see why this hurts you and that it’s not healthy and not good for a relationship and will hopefully let it all go and you two can move past this.

It is definately possible to move past the beginning destruction of a relationship and have that happy healthy relationship again but it takes work on both of your parts and it takes you standing up for yourself and your feelings and feeling validated in your feelings. You have a right to be upset, you do not need to have these reminders and you have a right to demand the removal of all ex related items from your life.

Hang in there and take care of yourself. I hope things get better for you

Post # 12
Member
11287 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@DimeStoreDropout:  this is not healthy for any relationship.  he is being disrespectful.  i honestly don’t know why you would stay with someone who has treated you like this.

when something like this happens over and over again in the relationship, it’s a problem.  it’s toxic.  there is never closure over the issue.  there always seems to be a one-sided control leaving the other person seemingly helpless.  regret and resentment develops and once these begin, it’s difficult to retract them.

take control.  i think that you need to either accept his behaviour (it’s no surprise he is like this) or not (which means leave).  he is obviously not changing for you or anyone.  people change for themselves not for other people.  

he is obviously not over these women.  do you really want to be in a relationship with 4 people?

Post # 13
Member
523 posts
Busy bee

I’m sorry but this is completely not normal.It’d be one thing if you and Julie and Amanda got along great and you had no problem with them or if he had been more respectful of you and your concerns early on but that is not the case.

Is counseling an option for the two of you? Maybe if there is a trained professional there they can help him understand your concerns and perhaps help find solutions for the two of you.

I don’t think you should ignore this. It is only going to breed resentment in you towards him. I think you have been completely reasonable so far. I think that perhaps talking to a counselor could help.

Post # 15
Member
926 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@lifegirl:  I agree, even though it probably isn’t “right.” He lied to you and re-made a copy of all the pictures and didn’t speak up, so why should you speak up when the CD and hard drive are wiped clear?

I am so, so sorry for what you are going through. I had issues with an obsessive ex for the first year or so of FI’s and my relationship and it was torturous at times. It even had me questioning our relationship. Finally, though, he–on his own accord–ridded his life of any traces of his ex. Now I’m even quite cordial with her. I cannot imagine what you are going through, but you seem to be a quite rational, calm, patient person, which is more than I can say for myself.

Good luck, OP 🙁

Post # 16
Member
1125 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@DimeStoreDropout:  I hate that excuse, my husband used it too “You’re just being jealous, they’re in my past you don’t need to get upset” Of course I’m effing jealous and obviously they aren’t in his past because there are still reminders everywhere.

I hope it was just a mistake but if I were you I wouldn’t tell him “I don’t care what you do, just don’t let me see them” because that’s giving him the OK to keep them and you will always find them and you will always have this trouble and he will always think “Well you don’t care if I have them, I tried to hide them”. I’d downright say “These pictures need to be gone, it’s been long enough and if you can’t get rid of them you obviously haven’t gotten over them”. He has no need to keep them around especially since he knows it hurts you

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