- 5 years ago
I’m incredibly depressed right now. My husband and I have been married for 23 months. When we dated and got married, I thought everything was great with my in-laws and all of his friends. Although they live across the pond, and we did not see each other often, everything seemed positive every time we visited.
Well, things have slowly deteriorated over the past 1.5 years. First, we had initially planned to have a second wedding in England (our first wedding was small and perfect, here in the U.S.). However, once we started planning the U.K. wedding, his mother began to take over. We wanted to keep the wedding small, but with all family and friends, the guest list easily topped 100+. Even though we were footing the entire bill, his mother insisted on inviting some of her friends. When I husband suggested that they weren’t all necessary, she cried and made him feel guilty, so we had to invite them. Next, to help our budget, we decided to plan a spit roast, buffet style. Well, she scoffed at that and said that it wasn’t nice enough– she insisted we had to have a sit-down meal, and proceeded to arrange a meeting with an expensive caterer. Eventually, my husband and I became so stressed over the whole planning of just the meal and guests, that we ultimately cancelled our entire second wedding. It was sad, but we accepted it.
Following the cancellation of our second wedding plans, we had to overcome more hurdles. There were tough times adjusting to living together, we moved to a new city that we both didn’t like and had no friends, and his job became stressful. It was not the easiest first year, but we worked through things.
Everything came to head this past May. We took a trip to England for two weeks. I had coffee with his sister and felt a renewed sense of connecting with her. I hugged her, and helped make meat pies with her and his mother. I thought things were going well.
And then we attended a wedding. To make a long story short, my husband and I had made a compromise the night before as to when we would leave the wedding (after 7 hours of drinking/partying for him), and that night he decided to break our compromise. We had a quiet argument away from all prying ears, but apparently he was still upset from our discussion when returning to the wedding. Two of his best friends said some bad things about me.
The next thing I know, after we returned to the U.S., the poop hit the fan. First, his parents called him on Skype during work one day. His mother began crying and said he needed to return to England (reading between the lines, divorcing me and returning home). I found out about this discussion because I ran across an e-mail that was left by his friend, saying the argument at the wedding was my fault (even though the friend was never within earshot of our argument that night).
Two weeks later, he called home to tell them that he was sorry for not being a better communicator (he has stated that he tends to only mention when we have disagreements, but that he hasn’ done enough to actively tell them the good things about me and our marriage). When he called, his parents were gone, but his sister was there. She proceeded to say things to paint me in a bad light, without knowing I was able to hear her (he had the Skype session turned up loud on the TV, and we were in a small two-bedroom apartment). She then tried to cover up her words somewhat, as though she didn’t mean me harm, but she clearly did. She was trying to convince him that our relationship is too much work, and that he is unhappy, even though he insisted we were happy (we were in the process of closing on our first home)! She seems to think she is a relationship expert, even though she’s had numerous failed relationships, no marriages, a child out of wedlock, etc.
That same night, his ‘best friend’ called him after a night of drinking. He said he was ‘worried’ about my husband, and went on to say ‘Hollie is shit’ and ‘Hollie is responsible for three years of misery’. Again, this was on a loud Skype call, which my husband knew I could hear, and I was not trying to eavesdrop. I finally had enough and came out to defend myself, in a civilized manner.
Well, in a nutshell, four months have gone by and nothing has been resolved. My husband didn’t really stand up for me in those phone calls expect to say ‘we’re happy’, ‘we’re doing well working on things’, etc. His way of handling things was to write them an e-mail, insisiting they have to respect our marriage, and respect and love me, too. It was a very good e-mail, not mean, but firm. His mom and sister have not acknowledged his email to this day. His best friend replied with a message that basically said, ‘Sorry, but it should be no surprise to you that no one likes Hollie’, even though he has admitted time and again that no one really knows me very well, and he has no concrete examples of how I’m such a bad wife!
As background, his parents are quite ‘posh’, and I am come from a very middle-class mixed race American/Asian family. His mom and sister wear the pants in the family, and his best-friend dominates their discussions. My husband’s father and brother have always been nice to me and respected our marriage, but they are very non-confrontational and easy-going– just like my husband.
Also, my husband dated someone very similar to me before moving to the U.S. and meeting me (she was half-Persian, with long dark hair, middle-class, a strong woman, etc.) and his best friend has referred to her as the ‘b*tch’, and his mother and sister have referred to her as ‘the mean one’. I’m afraid I have become ‘b*tch #2’ and ‘mean one #2). :'(
I have avoided confronting any of them via Skype or email, since my husband thinks it would make things work. Plus, they never intended for me to hear any of those words they spoke– they fully intended to backstab me and try to undermine our marriage without my knowledge– I just happened to be in the apartment when he had Skype on loud.
Things came to a head last night when my husband and I began to discuss the holidays. We had originally planned to go to England for Christmas (we alternate countries each year), but I told him that I didn’t feel like spending the most important holiday of the year with people that don’t love and respect me and our marriage. He proceeded to say, ‘my family does love and support you– they just don’t show it through their words and actions’. I fell off my rocker. I couldn’t believe he said that to me. I then used some colorful language to remind him of why they didn’t love and support me/us, and why I could never trust them again, etc. He then asked me, ‘will there never be a resolution to this’? Again, I balked! I didn’t start this situation, I never wanted it, I didn’t do anything to warrant it, and I’ve avoided doing anything to stick up for myself and us at his request! And now he wants me to resolve this?! By letting his mom, sister, and ‘best friend’ back in, even though they STILL haven’t apologized or acknowledged his email requesting they respect our marriage?!
I am now hurt, flabbegasted, angry, depressed, and at a loss as to what to do. I LOVE my husband. But, I refuse to live my life breaking into tears every couple of months over toxic people that want to tear us apart. I don’t want to play the role of a victim– I want to move on, keep in contact with friends and family that do love us and support us, and get back on that happy path. But, any time we discuss his mom, sister, and best friend, he shuts down– I mean, he becomes incapable of speaking to me! I just don’t know what to do anymore.
I’m sorry for the long post (I tried to make it as short as possible), and I thank you very much in advance for any help or advice you may have.