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I'm glad someone else appreciates the sexism! I suppose I was totally informal but I left off the Mr and Mrs. Actually a lot of our friends are Dr and Dr and have different last names anyway. I'd be pissed if I wasn't addressed as Dr. my name, but then again, I'm not changing my last name. I'd go with Mr John and Mrs Jane Smith, or Mr John Doe and Mrs Jane Smith.
Congrats on the fabulous invites!
I'm struggling with this too. It's ok for me to just do people's first names because we're going a little more informal. However if you are doing formal then I think writing out "Mr. John Smith and Mrs. Jane Smith" looks much better than "Mr. and Mrs. John and Jane Smith" Just try to keep the whole thing on one line, because writing it on two implies that they aren't married (that's how you do couples who are living together, roommates, etc.)
Sorry, I'm not much help. We went the informal route and just did "John and Jane Smith" and "John Smith and Jane Jones" - no Mr. and Mrs. anything. I said that if I decide to change my name, I'll be fine with Mrs. MyFirstName FILastName, but I will never be Mrs. FIFirstName FILastName :)
Sigh, I whined for so long over this issue...
In the end I put "Mrs. Jane and Mr. John Doe", I wasn't completely satisfied but it's the closest I got to a compromise while keeping the formal style (The other option would have been to spell out each person's name aka Mr John Doe and Mrs. Jane Doe and hope it fits on a single line.)
I also did Jane and John Smith...both because I didn't want to worry about being correct, and I did my own calligraphy and didn't want to write Mr. and Mrs. ninety times.
We just used first and last names. Married couples we linked by an "and", non-married couples simply with the names in separate lines, with a comma separating. Also, most married couples we know have different last names anyway, so yeah...
So, for married, same last name we did: Jane and John Doe (or John and Jane Doe, depending on how their first names flow together).
Married with different name we did: Jane Everygal and John Everyman (or viceversa, again depending on how their names flow).
Non-married, we did: Jane Woman, John Man (or viceversa), with the names in separate lines.
Yeah, we didn't follow addressing etiquette at all, lol :-P
This is a toughie for me too...I'm a traditionalist but I'm also a feminist! I looked on Emily Post (http://www.emilypost.com/everyday/forms_of_address.htm) and it said that a lot more options are acceptable nowadays. I would probably change it up based on whom it was addressed to.
Another interesting point I found on Emily Post was that it's typical to list whoever has "higher rank" first. Does that mean to list "Dr. and Mr." if the wife is a doctor? Or does rank refer to who ranks higher with you (as in who your blood relative is)...so if I'm a Smith, it would say "Mrs. Jane Smith and Mr. John Doe." Thoughts?
For most of mine, I did Mr. and Mrs. John and Jane Smith. It seemed repetetive, but I like including the women and this is how we plan on being announced after the ceremony ("Mr. and Mrs. Brandon and Michelle R").
Julia- I think the higher rank is referring to Dr. vs. Mr. think. It would look kind of weird to do something like Mr. John and The Honorable Jane Smith (or whatever)
What about...
Jane and John Smith?
and avoid the SUPER AWKWARD Mrs. Alice and Mr. John Smith - BLAHH haha sorry I'm a stationer and bad addressing is my personal pet peeve...
Addressing is really simple. First names OR Mr. & Mrs. Last name.
If ladies didnt want to be Mrs. John Smith , they'd still be Mrs. Jane Doe
Don't worry about using their married name if they took it. - After all, they chose to take the name, unless they chose to keep their maiden name or hyphenate...
I think we just did the Mr and Mrs Last Name, perhaps informal but ..... it made it from being horribly long.
I'm just planning on doing it the informal way. "Peter and Lois Griffin" or whatever. I wouldn't feel right addressing a couple as "Mr. and Mrs. Peter Griffin."
If you know you have someone who will be offended by the traditional Mr. and Mrs. John Doe, then I'd use "Mrs. Jane and Mr. John Doe"
But do you think anybody who changed their name to their husband's and goes by Mrs. will be offended? idk. I hope I don't offend anyone with my traditional wording.
Another option would be to go traditional on the outer envelope and then just use both first names on the inner envelope with or without a last name.
I was like danadelphia. Didn't have the Mr. or Mrs. Just "John and Jane Doe" I HATE the "Mr. & Mrs. Husband First & Last Name"
Okay, I gotta chime in and say that while I may take (haven't decided yet - only reason would be to have same last name as kids) FI's last name, I am NOT taking his FIRST name. I have no desire to be Mrs. FIFirst FILast. I just think there's a huge difference between deciding to change my last name and losing my first name to FI. That being said, I obviously would never say anything if I received an invitation addressed as such, but it's not something I would ever do myself.
This is how the addresses look on the envelopes I've started:
Mr. and Mrs.
John and Jane Doe
123 Pretty Lane
Pretty Place, Pretty State
12345
If you can center it all, it doesn't look dumb, promise! :)
I'm with Jimmy on this one - most people won't really care AT ALL. It's an envelope. They get ripped open. The part that matters is inside=)
I ALWAYS put the woman first:
Ms. Jane and Mr. John Wood
or Ms. Jane Wood and Mr. John Smith.
We're doing:
Mr. John and Mrs. Jane Smith
Ms. Jane Doe & Mr. John Smith
etc
My Women's Studies professor used to refer to the angst over how to address envelopes as a symptom of PWWD (Privileged White Woman Disease). In other words the only people who will be offended are those who don't know what real oppression is! Not sure that's a fair thing to say though. She was the kind of teacher who liked to be really intense. But anyway I wouldn't worry about it. As others have said, I don't think most people notice what is on the outside of the envelope cuz they're so excited to see the invitation inside!!!
For the record, I can't wait to be Mrs. John Smith. And if FI wants to refer to himself as Mr. Magdalena Smith, too, that would be pretty cool :)
I think this largely depends on the addressees. Personally, I am currently Dr. MyFirst MyLast. I will be changing my last name to my fiance's, but I'm going to be REALLY irritated if people start referring to me as Mrs. HisFirst HisLast. I am changing my first name, not my last name. And no matter what, I will be Dr. MyFirst HisLast. I worked my butt off for that title, and there's no way I'm giving it up!
For other folks, they're really into tradition, and I can see some of the people on my guest list having a strong preference for Mr. and Mrs. HisFirst HisLast. I suspect this is somewhat a generational thing, as the people in this category on our list are mainly my fiance's aunts, uncles, and parents.
Oh, and if the couple is Jane Doe and John Smith, it's Ms. Jane Doe, not Mrs. Jane Doe. If the female chooses to not change her name, she is not a Mrs., regardless of marital status. And for whatever it's worth, if the woman's name is listed, it should come first.
To avoid the whole issue, I think I'm just going to do first names and last names, no titles :)
i'm actually not being consistent with mine--for fi and my friends and my family and parents' friends, i'm doing "john and jane smith" or "jane and john smith." for my ffil's guests. i'm doing "mr. and mrs. john smith," which i actually hate, but my fmil is super traditional (even though she goes by her maiden name at work--hypocrite?). so, if you have some guests you think will care, you can go the sexist traditional way for them, and then the less formal but egalitarian way for the others. i'm sure guests won't be comparing envelopes with each other ;)
I have A LOT of women in my circles who would have been so offended if I put Mr. and Mrs. John Smith. I wouldn't have dared going there lol.
Maybe it was a bit informal, but I just skipped the title all together.
Jane Doe and John Smith
Between all the Drs. (PhD and MD and DDS and DDM), Mr, Mrs, Ms, Miss - I was about to go crazy with who got what degrees! I figure it was irrelevant to the fact that I invited them. Nobody seemed to mind whatsoever.
There were many wedding cards addressed to us with "Mr. and Mrs. His Last Name" however (sometimes with a smiley face!). In the context that we just got married - I did not find it offensive at all - it just makes me smile.
I did what Miss Ribbons did:
Mr. and Mrs.
John and Jane Doe
And I actually thought our envelopes looked really pretty that way =) I don't think its exactly what official etiquette would recommend, but it was a good compromise for me - still formal, but not sexist.
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Hi! My invitations arrived today :) i love them soooo much! they are sparkley and beautiful while still being classy, end exactly what i wanted (I can't say enough about how happy I am with Tessa from evenstarpaperie.com. custom designed but still reasonable price. highly recommended!!)
My question: Is there a non-sexist way to word the addresses?
Mr. and Mrs. John Smith (or Mr. and Mrs. J. Smith) just seems so sexist, but Mr. & Mrs. Smith does not seem formal enough. How do I include the woman? Mr. and Mrs. John and Jane Smith? Mr. John and Mrs. Jane Smith? or should I just pretend the normal way is not sexist, just traditional, and do it that way?
thanks!