My Jewish mother in law refuses to attend our wedding ceremony

posted 2 years ago in Family
  • poll: How do you handle a racist Mother Inlaw
    Cut her off completely : (9 votes)
    16 %
    Try and include her in family activities knowing she is a racist bigot : (24 votes)
    42 %
    Contact her only on the holidays : (8 votes)
    14 %
    Just smile and pretend everything is ok but know you can't trust her : (16 votes)
    28 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    5228 posts
    Bee Keeper

    Optimistic007:  Well, isn’t she a peach? I say just be the bigger person. Invite her to all the family gatherings and offer to include her. Be super, sugar sweet to her. That way she can never cry victim or make you out to be the bad guy here. If you are a light, it will only reveal how dark she is.

    Post # 3
    Member
    528 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 2014 - Columbia, SC

    Optimistic007:  Hmm, this is a tough one. If he wants her to be a part of his life there is not much you can do. I am interested in your post tags though, why “racist inlaws”?

    Post # 4
    Member
    668 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2014

    Kill her with kindness.

    Post # 5
    Member
    1050 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2011

    I’d honestly cut her off. You don’t need to bother with people like that in your life. What good does she bring? What would she say to your children (if you have them), who would also not be white or Jewish, since Judaism is passed on the mother’s side? Subjecting yourself to racist, abusive comments isn’t being the bigger person, it’s being a doormat. You don’t need that.

    FYI, I’m Jewish and her racism and bigotry would never, EVER be tolerated or condoned by anyone I know.

    Post # 6
    Member
    3044 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2016

    Tanleggedjuliet:  because OP got the impression if she was Jewish it wouldn’t be enough, I guess? There is the Latina part in there too.

    007, I hope she comes round but be prepared if she doesn’t. I guess you can just hope that she changes her mind the day of to say mazel tov.

    also call her out if she ever calls on a Saturday before dark. Ever.  

    How far back do your German roots go? Mennonite, or more recent history? Could it be she is more upset over the German part than the Brazilian part? I mean, either way it is fucked up.

    Post # 7
    Member
    8009 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2015

    Wow. Im so sorry but that is her loss. I would invite her though for sure and be forgiving when she regrets this (which she will) and be kind through your pain. You only get one mom so don’t make it any worse even though it’d be totally understandable of you. 

    Post # 8
    Member
    528 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 2014 - Columbia, SC

    babeba:  I get that, but anyone who knows anything about Jewish moms knows they want their sons to marry Jewish women. If she was 100% German, which would make her 100% caucasian, she would still not be acceptable. It has nothing to do with her being Brazilian. And actually the JEWISH mother is probably put off more by the fact that she is GERMAN, than from Brazil. 

    Post # 9
    Member
    1745 posts
    Bumble bee

    I can understand your fiancée’s mother not attending the wedding because you’re not Jewish. That is an issue, and I see why she’s upset about it.

    The racial prejudice, however, isn’t really acceptable. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with that at all.

    I’m not sure how you should handle the situation, but I hope a satisfactory solution is found. 

    Post # 10
    Member
    253 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: January 2015

    Optimistic007:  Easy there with the “Jewish card” business. Could be mistaken as a little bigotted, but I get what you’re saying.

    I honestly never felt 100% welcome in the Jewish community, even after converting on my own terms with no boyfriend who asked me to. Some people thought I hung the moon, and others thought I wasn’t “really” Jewish. An ex of mine asked me if I would consider an Orthodox conversion, even after I’d converted Reform two years prior to that. 

    Have you asked a rabbi to preside over the ceremony, or have a mixed faith ceremony? Have you considered conversion (I know, you definitely don’t have to because he loves you for you)? I wonder if some kind of interest in the customs and traditions may make her feel better (not that this is the goal, but you want things civil between you two)? Jewish mothers are so overly protective of their sons, and they do really stupid and hurtful things to those they see as a threat.

    If any of the above suggestions are a no go, then I think it may just take some time. If/when you two have children, I have a feeling she’ll come around, if she hasn’t already by then.

    Post # 12
    Member
    3044 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2016

    Tanleggedjuliet:  a really good friend of my parents is a German from Brazil… His family moved there pretty much around the time Germany became a country because they are Mennonites and they were persecuted ages ago. If OP’s German roots are like that, it is definitely messed up from the German standpoint.  

    Even if OP’s grandparents were goosestepping Third Reich supporters I don’t think it is particularly fair or right to judge her like them but the plain fact is most Germans weren’t the ones in uniform perpetrating hate crimes.

    Anyway, all the Jewish moms I know care more that their daughters marry good Jewish boys than about their sons marrying good Jewish girls. There is craziness on both sides to be sure, but more going the other way? A friend of mine explained it to me once but I can’t quite remember why that is now.

    Post # 13
    Member
    314 posts
    Helper bee

    Jewish heritage is traced down the mother’s bloodline so your children would not be considered Jewish- this is her problem.

    Post # 14
    Member
    1102 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    Tanleggedjuliet:  exactly!

    I’m not surprised your future mil acted the way she did, but then again you shouldn’t be either given how she reacted when she first met you. You chose to continue the relationship knowing how she felt about you, why start caring now? People rarely ever change/become more liberal in their religious beliefs/ideologies, particularly as they age. It’s going to be a tough path for you no matter what but the warning signs were there and it’s a path you chose to take…

    In all honestly I’m disgusted by you as a person that you would even consider calling your mother in law a racist bigot. You clearly have no understanding or even care to know why your mother in law feels the way she does…there’s a lot more to it then just declaring her a racist bigot…it’s about carrying on the Jewish religion and faith to future generations in a truly Christian world, trying to carry on the Jewish beliefs and traditions as a minority. I’m guessing by your choice of words there are other reasons as well the two of you don’t get along. Good luck.

    Post # 15
    Member
    579 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 2011

    Optimistic007:  I am also going to suggest this has more to do with you not being Jewish than anything else especially if she views herself as Orthodox (regardless of how you view her practicing of her faith). I know my cousin converted to marry a reformed man because it was the only way to have their marriage blessed and it was important to them to bring their children up in the Jewish faith. If you don’t wish to convert etc, I am not saying you are wrong, I am saying that your FMIL is likely to never fully accept you. The declaring you not a white jewish woman and hence not right for her son, I honestly think her focus was more the jewish bit. She is probably concerned as to how her grandchildren will be raised and how the cultures will be integrated…

    I know a lot of women with this fear about family traditions (I am dealing with that just they are way nicer about it). Your attitude about it probably isn’t helping alleviate her fears though. The more you attack how she feels (whether you view it as right or wrong), the more reason you give her to dislike you. You and your fi need to discuss how you will raise children etc and relay that to her in a calm setting. If you plan on bringing them up in the Jewish faith that might calm some fears. You need to figuratively kill her with kindness (even when talking about her to others), your nose will always be clean then and if she doesn’t come around no one can say you tore the family apart…

     

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