- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee boards
On one hand, 5 years means you have been together since your teens. That's a lot different than staying together 5 years as you approach your late twenties. A lot of bees will probably tell you you and he are still in school and you have time.
But...
You gave him a timeline and if you don't stick to your guns you could be facing infinite dating in the future. If you let him walk all over you, he's going to just think he can keep getting by like that. If you tell him 5 years is your limit, then stick to it and leave. He'll either realize you weren't kidding and coming running back in a matter of months or he'll never come back.
If he never comes back, then it was never meant to happen and you can devote your energies elsewhere into finding someone who will be open to marriage.
The more you think of it as him not meeting a deadline--the more you will drive yourself crazy. Just because YOU'RE ready doesn't mean HE is ready.
I would be ok with you saying you wouldn't wanna date someone for more than five years IF you were older and didn't still have a lot of school to get through. In the grand scheme of life five years is nothing. You say that you know he loves you, and that you know he wants to marry you, and that you know he will propose someday. So why are you beating yourself up over when it will be?
My question is--why is the now not good enough for you? You're with a man who adores you and wants to marry you. You didn't say anything in this thread about any other problems or issues that you guys need to work through. You're just being impatient. Is that really worth throwing something good away?
If you think of the proposal as an "unpleasant chore" then there's no way you can enjoy it when it happens.
Maybe he really wants to finish school (at least get through it himself, if not you as well). Maybe that's where the money is going right now? Maybe he's secretly saving up? There's a lot you don't know and if you try to figure it out you'll go crazy.
I agree with Honey. 5 years isn't that long at your age. Maybe he sees life in stages. First finish school, then get a job, then buy a ring, then buy a house, then get married. He's not finished his last step and isn't ready to take the next one. If he's still working towards something (like a degree for career) it seems legit to me.
I always ask the younger ones. Why are you so adamatly pushing for a proposal? You have stuff to do in the meantime.
I agree with Ms Fox about at least telling him you plan to stick to your timeline of 5 years. He's had plenty of time to buy you a promise ring, to tell you he has plans for after graduation, etc. I hate to metnion this, but many men aren't really in a place where they think of mariage until they are close to or past 30 - there's some studies about the brain not even being fully formed until then, which is why so many people report feeling like a different person from their early 20s to their later 20s. You really do go through a lot once your school experience is over and you're out in the world with people of all ages, not just late teens to mid 20s around you.
What you should do, if you are living together is pretty much move out, telling him that he hasn't told you he wants you to stay in the manner you asked him to. You can decide if you still want to date him, if you want it to be exclusive, if you want to see him and other people, or if you want to break it off 100%. If you aren't living together, then you'd really have to go more towards simply not spending any or as much time with him.
I'd say if you love him and can live with the idea of never being married, by all means stay, but if marraige is important to you, you are very young and still ahve a lot of life and chances to meet wonderful people who you can love just as much as your current SO. Maybe you should look into transfering to another school or soemthing, to open up a new horizon for you - also to show him you are planning to move on and are not playing some sort of "chase me" ultimatum game. Be prepared to end it if that's what you've told him.
@vmec: it's true! Guys totally can't multitask. :)
By the way, I think it's fascinating that two people posted completely opposite views, and then at the same time two more people each posted agreeing with separate posters. People are so funny.
I will never really understand those who set timelines as to when they have to be proposed to...if you love each other that's what is important, it will come in time without having to force it, I don't believe in ending something just because a timeline wasn't met...I feel like I can say this because well when it comes time for me and FH to be married we will have been together for 10 years!!! We are in our late twenties.
From my own experience, I would say that your FI is probably wanting to wait to finish school and have a job with his degree, which makes a lot of sense if you think logically about it, it's not that he doesn't love you, he just wants things to be in the right stages.
@bran83: I understand where you're coming from, but I think what April_Mae (and possibly unconsciously) a lot of other girls worry about are becoming the girl that stayed with an SO for years and years but never got a proposal, despite SO saying it would come 'soon' or 'in time' or eventually.
Well I don't understand not setting a timeline. We set timelines for many other things, why not when you want to get married.
What has he said besides eventually? What does that even mean?
We started dating in our late teens/early 20s (met in college) and were 2 months away from dating 6 years when he proposed. We were like you, discussed it early and often but I felt like he was never doing anything about it. I think it was because at the time I began seriously talking about it, he couldn't afford to buy a ring because he was still in school and he didn't feel like he could get me the nice ring I wanted. I felt hurt just like you until I realized he was waiting until he could actually get me what I wanted. Looking back, I'm glad we waited a little while longer.
I completely understand. Some people might say at your age that 5 years isn't a long time. 5 years is 5 years no matter what age you're at. That said, I do think that finishing college wouldn't be the worst thing ever :) The thing that would bother me the most about this situation isn't that he won't propose by the 5 year mark, but that he has given you multiple timelines and hasn't followed through with any of them. I think that y'all need to have a very honest discussion about if there's a reason he's waiting. Maybe he wants to be in a better place in life, maybe he just needs some more time to save money for a ring. Regardless he needs to know that if he makes a promise to you, then he needs to come through.
The only thing I can tell you for sure is that if he knows the time limit is approaching and you stay after you told him you wouldn't, you will lose all credibility with him. I think having a timeline is perfectly reasonable but one you have said it you darn well better be ready to make good on it or you become the whiny girl who makes empty threats in his eyes.
I understand that feeling and if it makes you feel better it was only 6 months after my FI completed school that he proposed to me. When he was in school he truly didn't have the money to pay for a ring or much time to look for one. Sounds like he is just trying to have all his ducks in a row before popping the question, which is important since the first year is often fun but difficult sometimes. My FI had the same goal in mind. Maybe you should not have a timeline but more of when x happens then y will happen. Waiting one or two years is nothing compared to 30 years + together.
What has he said about why there will be no proposal before your anniversary when you talked? Knowing that might add some perspective to your situation...
I'd like to know if he's given you any particular reason why there will be no engagement. If there's no reason other than him just dragging his feet and not taking any initiative to make it happen, then yeah, I'd stick with my timeline.
Guys just have to be in that right place. My SO knows that I've been wanting to get engaged/married for years, but we met young (19 and 20) and are just now getting settled. For a guy, it often comes down to the old fashioned notion of being able to support a wife and family.
Can you see yourself marrying any other man?If you can't see that possibility then you know he's your man and he'll be worth the wait.
It is a tough situation because your tired of waiting already, but he might not be ready. i know that sucks, I've been there. But you can't make him ready.
You can try to make him see what he's missing if you leave. That is a huge risk because you may loose him altogether, but if you do loose him, you were never meant to be together. What is most important to you?
OP; my fiance and I started dating 03' and he JUST proposed last sept. The math indicates almost seven years! I had a deadline in my head, and he pretty much didn't stick to it. Later I found out why...
When he proposed, I actually asked him what took so long.. he replied, "as soon as you stopped thinking about us as a 'deadline', I began seeing an opportunity to prove to you that our 'deadline' meant forever to me, and i wanted you to see that too.." He meant that once i stop thinking of the proposal as an "end" of something, he started seeing it as the wonderful 'forever' he'd always imagined. He just wasn't ready, and me pushing him clouded the dream of 'forever; he had invisioned for us.
I say let HIM breathe a bit, i'm sure he senses your frustration. Tell him you love him REGARDLESS of the waiting and just remember when you get nutty, cause ya will, that he wants to know it's more about forever, then just a specific moment.
Just my two cents doll. :) GL!
Wow! Thank you so much for all your replies!
I never actually said, "propose by five years or I'm dumping your azz." It was more generic, like, "I don't think I could date anyone more than five years without a proposal." It was a discussion about my wants vs. his wants. It certainly didn't feel like an ultimatum at the time, because he agreed with me. From the very beginning, he wanted to get married around 27, and he'd be turning 25 shortly after our fifth anniversary. I thought there was a plan that we had both agreed to follow.
It wouldn't be as big of a deal to me if he hadn't broken his own timeline-twice. He tells me he's seriously considering proposing next year, and yes, I do believe him when he tells me he's thinking about it. He's always THOUGHT about proposing-it's the follow through that seems to be difficult for him. There is no doubt in my mind that he will propose to me at some point, but I guess, it's about the principle. It's about the fact that he has put me through such an emotional roller-coaster. I never gave any serious thought to us getting married until he put the idea in my head, and it has been a nightmare ever since.
Hm. I sense that there may be a miscommunication in here somewhere. You thought he was in agreement with you about a timeline, but he may have just been speaking happily about something that still felt far away (5 years in the future) but not taken it as a decision.
This may be an unpopular opinion, but it's how I try to deal with things in my own relationship. I would try to talk with him about it very honestly and without any anger or frustration. Like .. "I'm not sure if you know, but I've been feeling really upset lately. I had in my mind for years, since we talked, that we were in agreement about getting engaged within 5 years. And now that we're not.. I'm afraid that it may be something that's going to get put off again and again. Did you know that I was kind of thinking of it like an actual timeline and I'm wondering what happened now?" And go from there.. see how he reacts. If he sees that you are upset and really understands that it's not about forcing him when he isn't ready (he shouldn't be forced!) but making sure that you really are on the same page, hopefully he should react by wanting to give you more solid assurances! If he doesn't... maybe it's a bad sign.
I know this thread is old, but I've been talking to him quite a bit lately, and I guess for my own sanity, I need to put it out there.
Basically, I just want to ramble.
He can't propose within the next six months because he's not where he wants to be financially. He'd like to graduate and start working before proposing. This never came up in conversation before because he didn't realize it would take him 8 years to finish his bachelors-he never expected it to be an issue.
I am not a full-time student. I work two jobs and take an occasional class here and there. Waiting for me to finish school isn't very practical, and he's not really worried about that too much, anyway.
Waiting has gotten tough because...
a) He's been a full-time student for six years, and he still hasn't finished his undergrad-he thinks he has another two years. No, he did not change his major, and yes, he passes all his classes. I met him when he was a sophomore, so obviously, five years seemed reasonable. I understand wanting to finish first, but I think he's expecting a bit much for me to keep waiting while his undergrad drags on and on.
b) I am surrounded by student couples who got engaged within a year or two of dating. They may be engaged for a few years, and then they get married after graduation. It's hard to be understanding of his desire to be settled before proposing when so many other young men I know don't seem to have those issues.
Honestly, unless something really unexpected happens, I don't think I'm going to stay with him.
@April_Mae:Why is it taking him 8 years to finish a 4 year degree? If he is passing all his classes I just dont understand how thats possible. What kinf od program is it?
But anyways, thats besides the point. You guys are still young. I know people hate hearing that, but its true. And he has a right to feel the way he does. If hes still in school, how will he earn a living to support you? What if something happens and you cant work, how will he pay the bills? Where will guys live? How will you pay for a wedding?
Ok, taking 8 years to finish a bachelor's degree is ridiculous. He must be taking a ton of classes that don't pertain to his degree. Which to me, indicates that he's stalling or just horribly immature. I honestly wouldn't tolerate that.
Talk to him honestly, but don't make it sound like you're pressuring him to ask - that won't help. In my experience if he wants you to be his wife - he'll make it happen. period.
Also if he can't get an undergraduate degree in 8 years then what can he do? Would you be comfortable with him proposing with no ring? What about something cheap - say gemstone ring for $200? If you love him then the financial ring issue shouldn't be an obstacle. My parents got engaged with no e ring or diamonds at all!
When you said he's in school I assumed you meant graduate, medical, or law school and I was going to say to cut him some slack. But he's been a full-time student for 6 years and he's still not done his BACHELORS?? Wow. I don't know how that's remotely possible but there is something wrong with that situation. RUN!! I'm sure you love him, but I'm not sure why you would even want to be engaged to him right now. He is so far from being ready for marriage it's not even funny. I know you've invested a lot of time in the relationship but you are still so young. Cut your losses and move on to better prospects.
I'd recommend that you do what feels right to you ! If 5 yrs is your time line, than 5 yrs it is, walk away, if he's serious, maybe the jolt of you walking will awaken him to get real and finish up this school saga, get engaged and start moving forward. I completely respect the 5 yr time line regardless of age, you know what you want, go after it and good luck :)
@April_Mae: I get what you're feeling. After about year 4 1/2 I too was ready to be like WTF? What's going on? I had to take a step back and realize why I was feeling this way.
I'm not saying that you aren't justified in your feelings because I don't think anyone has the right to tell you that - but what I will tell you is to stop focusing so much on an engagement. What is that ring or guesture really going to change about your relationship? You'll still wake up at the same time, work the same jobs, do the same things together, but with better jewelry and a different nickname for each other.
If you two have a wonderful relationship, please don't throw it away for the sake of a proposal. I'm on 5 1/2 years and still waiting, and while I admit that it is tough, I just remind myself what we have, and everything I would stand to lose if I walked away. It makes the waiting decision much easier :)
Wow...so much to think about/feel. It can be so distressing. You are youngish. You are not married or committed, and he isn't committing so step back and evaluate your life, your dreams, and goals. If you have a faith, pray about this big decision. You are just beginning your life and it can go anywhere. Spread your wings and fly if you want. But, being a bride in her early 30's, it's good to fly for a short time...:) Best of luck to your and your life.
@dookie32:I'm glad to see I'm not the only one who thinks that's fucking ridiculous!
Yes, you guys are young and still in school, and I think that many guys do like to do things one at a time, and the standard seems to be graduate and get financially stable first, and then get engaged. But your not that young, and you have been together 5 years, and you've talked about when you want to get engaged and then he doesn't honor it. I think you need to have a serious conversation with him and explain how your feeling. If it's taking him that long to complete his bachelors, that could be a trend he follows the rest of his life..:/ If he is absolutely who you want, then stay with him, but either way sounds like you guys need a heart to heart. Good luck!
I don't understand why you can't be engaged while he's still in school. You can still wait to have the wedding until he finishes and gets a job.. if he knows he wants to marry you, why not propose? I understand wanting to be "stable" before you get married.. but why does that have to affect when you get engaged?
my SO took 7 yrs to finish his bachelors. yes, he changed his major, three times. but 8 years without switching majors? confused? and i don't understand the necessity of having to be out of school to be engaged either...i mean, he loves you, but i just think he's either still not 100% sure or isn't ready and is just giving you excuses because he is having a hard time being truthful about how he really feels. i am sorry you are going through this :(
Thank you for all the support/advice! We've talked so much over the past few days-plus I've been reflecting on the past 4 1/2 years and putting together the patterns in his behavior.
He is petrified of getting married. He lives with his parents, and they take care of EVERYTHING. They won't let him have a checking account or credit card. They pay all his tuition and books and buy his cars. They've always made everything come out ok for him, and they've always made comments along the lines of "you can't do anything without help," etc. (I've heard these comments on numerous occasions.) He's terrified of having to be an adult and be responsible for his own life.
Well, I hope this doesn't come off as harsh, but that's not my problem, and I'm not about to make it my problem. If he really wanted to be married to me, he'd push past that fear, and if he really can't, then I need to cut my losses.
I told him that after our fifth anniversary all bets are off-meaning I have no idea how I'm going to feel, which is true. He understands that there are no guarantees, and even though he's upset, he's willing to take the risk. That hurts.
He's begging for another year-he swears it'll happen by our sixth. I've heard it all before. He keeps telling me he just needs a little extra time to work through all those issues. What have you been doing all this time?
I know he's comfortable with the idea of spending his life with me-I know he would do it eventually. I'm just not sure eventually is good enough, anymore.
I know I'm young, but why should I waste my time and energy when the majority of men in my peer group are still available?
I guess I'm just looking for confirmation that cutting him loose is a perfectly acceptable choice.
I don't think the issue is whether the timeline of 5 years or bust is the issue - the issue should really be do you feel committed to him and do you feel that he is committed to you? Why the pressure to get married? Is he the type of man you want to marry? It sounds like your analysis of him is pretty negative. Do you want a more mature guy?
My bf proposed shortly after our 6 year ann. in Feb of this year...but I didn't tell him I was ready until Sept. of 2010. He waited for me because he knew I felt too young to marry (I'm 26 now and we'll be getting married in Sept. of 2012, when I'll be 28). I also had NO idea he was going to propose that soon, I thought he was going to propose at the end of 2011.
When was the last time you talked to him about the future and marriage? Guys seem to not care too much about anniversaries so maybe if you two haven't discussed in a few years, he's forgotten how you feel? I would have a heart-to-heart chat and see how you feel after that. Maybe he's saving up right now to buy a nicer ring? Who knows what's going on in his head until you ask him. Ultimately, if you feel like he is not the one based on his personality, his views on responsibility, and his views on marriage and when to get married, then you've already made your decision. Good luck, hon.
I'm not surprised he's terrified! He doesn't even have a checking account? And he's been in college for eight years? And he still lives at home?
Did his parents wrap him in bubble wrap when he was a toddler? I'd be real scared of marrying that, to be honest...
Leaving him is ABSOLUTELY an acceptable option, and in my opinion, it's the best option.
This guy is not an adult. He is not ready to be a husband. You want better than this, and I absolutely think you can find better than this. Best of luck to you! :)
Hi there!
It is a tough situation. On one hand, he is still in school, there probably aren't a lot of extra funds...it does make things difficult. I know now that I wasn't really ready to be married until after I had my bachelor's degree and completed my first year of teaching. At that point in my life, I was in a similar situation to your SO. My parents paid all of my bills while in school (though I did work when I was on vacations).
On the other hand, you have been burned twice with deadlines, you realize that he has some commitment issues, and he seems content to let his parents take care of everything. I would have some major concerns with this.
If you are wanting to stay and give him an extra year, I would tell him that you're expecting to see him making some progress towards these goals throughout this next year.
I do think that if you want to leave, I would completely understand. Five years is a long time, and you are still young. My FI and I had been together for nearly six years before he proposed. He was going through some school things, and it was a tough decision to make. I did decide to wait for him because he hadn't let me down before and he was doing things to move towards a proposal.
***Hugs*** Good luck with your decision!!
I don't blame you one bit if you decide to leave. He's not an adult.. clearly. His issues seem like they will take more than a year to resolve, honestly... and he should have been working on them LONG ago. He's not hubby material in my book. Cut your losses.
You must log in to post.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Create the honeymoon of your dreams.
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| Rivendeler | 14 |
| Suikerbossie | 9 |
| Rojocameo | 9 |
| Future Mrs K | 8 |
| ellisrobertson | 8 |
| janetsnakehole | 6 |
| MrsOliveBird | 5 |
| ladyartichoke | 5 |
| NehaPrasad92 | 5 |
| ndreighton | 5 |
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| islandbabes | 1 |
| TKR | 1 |
| linssi | 1 |
My SO and I are in our early twenties, and we've been together 4 1/2 years. We had only been dating a few months when he started talking about marriage. I never asked for a timeline, but he gave me two, and obviously, he didn't keep either of them.
That's not my issue.
I think it was around the two year mark when I told him I wouldn't date someone for more than five years without a proposal. At the time, he completely agreed with me, and I never imagined that three more years would go by without a proposal.
Well, here we are, six months away from our fifth anniversary, and we've had numerous talks about this. There will be no proposal. I don't know what to do. I know he loves me and cares for me, and I know he wants to marry me at some point. I know if I can stick it out long enough, he will propose (eventually). Yet, that doesn't make me feel better-it makes me feel worse. "Eventually" makes me feel lower that dirt, like it's some unpleasant chore he'll get around to someday because he can't put it off any longer.
We're still in school, and I will be for awhile. He'll be finished within the next year or two. Despite the fact that he's still in school, I really feel like enough is enough. We both agreed that five years would be the maximum "acceptable" amount of time. I just feel like time has run out. I can't explain it. Maybe I've spent so long thinking of our fifth anniversary as his last chance. Maybe it's too late to shift my thinking. Logically, I know that at my age, it wouldn't be a big deal to wait another year or two, but I just feel like this is it. Mostly, I'm hurt that he didn't take steps to make sure a proposal would happen within a timeframe I felt was acceptable.
I'm not really sure what I'm looking for-I'm just tired of driving myself crazy thinking about this. Comments? Advice?