So, I am a little hurt right now. I got married in March of last year and asked my best friend to be my Maid of Honor. She got engaged on Christmas and I was soooo happy for her as she has been with her FI for over 6 years now. She has been asking me for a lot of help since I did all of my wedding stuff less than a year ago. I spent hours researching and calling venues for her like she asked me to do. Last week she told me she isn't planning on having me be in her wedding party at all. However, she still wants me to be involved in the planning and throw her a shower and bachelorette party. Is it wrong of me to be a hurt and a little insulted? I would have NEVER asked a friend to help me do so much planning, as well as throw me parties, if I didn't intend them to be in my wedding party. She plans to have her best friend from childhood who lives 2 states away, her sister (who won't be much help at all) and her soon to be step daughter who is 12 and also won't be helping much. So, I get why she needs me to help. But, I feel like why should it be my responcibility to do all this for her when I will get none of the recognition. Honestly, if I had known she wasn't going to have me in her wedding a little over a year from mine I would have never made her my Maid of Honor. I would have had her in my wedding party, but I chose her as my Maid of Honor because my childhood best friend lived 2 states away and I knew she wouldn't be able to help much. I wouldn't dream of telling her I won't help out, but I'm just really hurt. Am I being silly?
Not at all, that is ridiculous. Why doesn't she want you in her wedding party? She can't even be bothered to have you in the bridal party, not even MOH, but stll ecpects you to spend time and effort helping? You'd also be incurring expenses from hosting a party for her. Is she for real?
@Alexis22: Normally I think that just because someone stands up with you they don't have to reciprocate when their time comes, but she's not only not doing that.... she's making you do all her footwork! I would tell her that you think it'd be best if someone in the party hosted those things and that you're NOT going to be a free wedding planner for her just because you recently got married.
I'd sit back and wait for my invitation and not do anything else honestly, but you sound nicer than me :)
@Alexis22: This is a toughie. If it wasnt for her childhood friend being the MOH, I'd say that it's just going to be her family, so let it go. I'm not a mind reader, so I cant shed light on to why the childhood friend was asked, and you were not.
I won't lie, I'd be a little annoyed (ok, more than a little) if someone asked me to host showers and parties, help with planning, and generally put in the work that the MOH/family is typically expected to do. It sounds like she's got her heart in the right place, and her reasoning is likely "well, I cant ask Alexis22 to be in the bridal party, but I want her to be included. She's great with planning, so I bet she'd love to do tasks x, y, and z."
So, no, you're not being silly. I understand why you'd feel upset, especially if she was your MOH. If you're not able to provide the effort and time she's asking of you, then do what you can, and gracefully decline if you have other obligations. I would never ask someone to take on the role (essentially) of MOH if she wasn't. I have some friends who love planning, doing DIY stuff, etc., and if they OFFER to help, I wouldn't turn them down.
I'd be hurt but just because she was your MOH doesn't obligate to make her part of her wedding party. Maybe she wanted to include you as a 4th, but her fiance only wanted 3 people? This happened with us. I wanted 6, fiance wanted 3, so we settled on 5 and I had to cut one of my closest friends out. I'm sure she was disappointed but she never said anything about it and totally understood when I finally explained the why to her. She has always been super happy and excited and helpful and there for everything along the way. It's not that big of a deal. But given that you aren't int he wedding party, you aren't obligated to help her or throw her any parties - you can address that directly with her. If you want to help her out, great if not, don't.
Not at all I would be hurt too. It's rude to expect so much when you aren't even a bm. I would understand if there was no bridal party at all. Not cool IMO.
ouch, I would be hurt too. I would tell her that you would love to be a guest but you'll be unable to host wedding parties for her.
I equate her saying, "Your not in my wedding, but I still want you to do all this stuff for me." to someone inviting you over to dinner, letting you help cook and then throwing you out the front door as soon as it's time to eat. Boundary time, if your girlfriend wants these ladies to stand up with her, let them take care of her bridal whims and woes...you go get a massage and pick out a rocking pair of shoes to go to the wedding in....you are off the hook!
It's one thing to not ask you to be in her wedding party, that would be a disappointment but to ask you to do all the work but not be in the party?? That's just rude!! It's absolutely NOT your responsibility to do legwork for her and it is DEFINITELY not on you to do a shower and bachelorette. That's absolutely ridiculous of her to ask. I'm sorry you are dealing with this! Unfortunately I don't have much advice on how to proceed from here...
I'd be insulted. If you want to be a little passive about it you can tell her you'd hate to step on anyone's toes in the bridal party since those events are their responsibility, and thus you will not be planning those events.
I would not be that nice though.
@mchitt329: I agree.
Normally, it's ok to not have someone be in your wedding party even though you were in her's. But, you don't then ask the non-BM to do your leg work. I would definitely be offended and hurt.
I would probably help her with little projects now and then, but say that I don't have time to do big things, such as research vendors. I would also take PP's advice and say that you don't want to host a shower or bachelorette party because you don't want to step on the MOH and BMs' toes.
I would feel hurt...I think its tacky that she expects you to throw all these parties for her. That isn't fair. However did you guys have a problem after your wedding? Because you said that you only made her MOH because your childhood bestie was 2 states away. Doesn't sound like she is really your best friend if you only chose her because someone else couldn't help you out as much. That isn't how you chose your bridal party. Or shouldn't be. On the other hand though I would still feel hurt. I wouldn't put much effort into helping her if she just sort of snubbed me from the wedding party.
I'd be a bit hurt also by this. If you aren't in her wedding party, let her have her MOH do her dirty work for her.
"I totally understand why you want to choose those ladies to be in your wedding party. And throwing bachelorette parties and wedding showers is an honor that comes with that 'position.' I certainly wouldn't want to take that away from them, since they're obviously very special to you. Email me if you want to know the name of my florist."
Sorry, no. That shit is all VERY expensive to do. She couldnt even ask you to be in the WP....just tell her look Id love to HELP, but I am not throwing those for you. Sorry.
I wouldn't be hurt because i pray each time a friend gets engaged that I won't be in it (I've haven't been asked in the last 3 friends weddings-they all used family). I'm over 30 so maybe that's why I'm sorta over the whole BM thing. I'd much rather help out and save the cost if the dress, shoes, hair, etc...
However it sounds like she wants you to be her wedding planner. I wouldn't be ok with that even if I was in the bridal party. I say help her because you're her friend but don't go out of your way or stress yourself out. jm2c
The reason I feel bad not doing this stuff for her is because she was a great MOH for me! She planned a great shower, a fun bachelorette and even took me out for a night of partying the weekend before the wedding. She didn't help me plan anything, but I never asked her. She helped me with some of my DIY stuff as well. I'm so excited to help her out and really do WANT to help her out and be a part of her big day. She wants a small wedding party and even though I am hurt that she didn't ask me, I do understand...mostly. I also found out yesterday that she asked 2 of our other friends to help out with the parties as well as me. I'm glad she isn't expecting me to do all the work myself however, I'm still upset she expects me to do all these things for her and not be in the wedding party. I'm super close with the other 2 friends (1 was my Matron of Honor) however I haven't mentioned anything to them about being hurt either. But, I'm assuming that they are hurt as well. I'm completely torn on what to do. I REALLY want to help her out and support her yet I also don't want to become bitter and have this effect our friendship...
I like @almostmrsj: reply minus the smart a$$ "since they're obviously VIP to you" line
I would be really hurt. Very hurt after doing the work of an MOH (a REALLY GOOD MOH btw). I'd have to talk to her about it. Tell her how you feel, she's not a mind reader and some people get a little obtuse during their wedding planning. Maybe offer up to give a hand for the shower set up but the organizing and the planning can be done online these days and the MOH should be able to coordinate somethings.
I really think you should talk to her tho.
I have been bm three times and none of them are in my wedding party.Having said that I only want one, my sister as I wanted less fuss and they understood. It sounds like your situation is different as she already has 3 and asked you to do all that work. I haven't expectedanyone to do a thing for me. I got a bit of help when it was offered. I'm even helping sis with the hen party. It's her responsibility, not yours!
I would absolutely not throw her bridal shower and bachelorette party if I were not part of the bridal party. Those are the crappiest parts about being a bridesmaid. HELL NO.
There is always room for another person in a bridal party! I had all of the people who are special to me in my wedding - young, old, family, and friends.
If she wanted you to help with all of her wedding stuff, then asking you to be a part of the wedding itself is the least she can do for you.
Let her know how hurt you are and see what she says...If she is a good friend she will realize what a slap in the face she's given you and apologize!
@megz06: I would have had her in my wedding party no matter what. The reason I chose her as my MOH, and not my honorary sister, is because we are very close friends and I knew that I couldn't ask someone who lived out of state to plan everything. I know she asked me to plan the shower and bachelorette party because her childhood friend won't be able to coordinate everything from another state. It was hard to find a date that she could even fly out here, as she is married with 2 small kids. I already told her I would be happy to help out, and I truly am. I'm just wondering if I should let someone else take the lead or if I should just be a truly great friend and suck it up...
She told me she doesn't want a big bridal party and she felt if she had me in the wedding party, our other 2 friends would need to be included as well. I get that...but now she has 3 bridesmaids who won't be helping much and 3 friends who won't be in the bridal party but will be doing all the work. I figure if the other 2 girls can suck it up and be a good friend, so should I.
There's nothing wrong with her choice to leave you out of the wedding party, but she has no business asking you to host a shower and bachelorette party.
I'd simply tell her that I wouldn't want to "hurt your MOH's feelings, or the bridesmaids for that matter, and since the HONOUR (eyeroll) of planning those activities is for them I think it best for me to allow them take care of it on their own"
@MissNoodles: +1. I really hope you don't give her the satisfaction of planning those events. That is so rude of her!
Yesterday I had a chance to talk to the other 2 girls who are helping with the shower and bachelor party. They are also feeling hurt and insulted but felt guilty saying anything. We all agreed we are willing to help, but ultimately the bridesmaids are going to need to do most of the work and pay for most of it. We all agreed we were willing to spend $150 max on both parties. Now, we just have to tell the bride. Her budget is very small and her dreams are big so I know it's going to be a huge letdown for her. Just wanted to update everyone because I know I love hearing updates! Now I just need to figure out a way to tell the bride!
@Nona99: This!
@Alexis22: Why are you afraid of telling her? Her situation is something that she created on her own without any help from you.
I had a colleague who was getting married in a Destination Wedding. When she announced her engagement she was immediately like, "Oh you're not invited to the wedding." Later myself and another colleague went on several shopping trips with her to try on dresses (she ended up with a dress her mother bought her on either Craigslist or a preowned website). When she was trying on dresses she made the comment/brag of her being a selfish person. After that, I was like, "Yeah, I don't need to be part of this anymore" and skipped her bachelorette.
It was really like she wanted the experience of having bridesmaids without including them in her event. Not exactly how I'd want to be treated by a friend. Even though I wouldn't have been able to make her wedding, her behavior was pretty rude.
sounds liek your friend has a case of the Bridezilla. IMO it's very rude to outright ask someone to host a party for you, MOH or not. the fact that you're not one makes is 100x worse. You're being very nice, and a very good friend, but I think you're right to be hurt that it's not being reciprocated.
My MOH is not having me in her BP at all. She told me this outright, because she wanted to be upfront and honest with me and not leave me in the dark. However. She is not asking me to pick up the duties that would normally fall to the bridesmaids/MOH. That's...ridiculous. And incredibly rude to all of you.
@Alexis22: I don't think you should lead the planning of any of the events. If she questions you, you tell her that these responsibilities are for the bridesmaids, and you'd hate for them to feel that you were stepping on their toes.
Your budget is fine (very generous, actually). But I do think you should make it clear that you will help THEM, not do all of their work for them.
By the way, she should have made the 12 yo step-daughter a Jr. Maid and have you in the WP so that one of the BMs could actually do some planning.
Thanks for the support ladies! We are going to go with her to watch her try on wedding dresses Sunday and I think that will be the perfect time to talk about it since we will all be together. I'm not afraid to say anything, I just know how special of a time this is for her and don't want to dissapoint her. I don't think she was trying to be rude and hurtful, I think she just wanted us to feel included.
@Alexis22: at first i was going to say i'd be offended. then i was going to suggest that the other 2 non-BM friends help as well. It sounds like they are doing that. I was actually in a similar situation as you friend. I only had my two out of town sisters as BMs because if I chose one gf, I'd have to include so many more (I'm fortunate to have many great girlfriends). Anyway, my friends organized a bachelorette party together and we had a great time! I didn't bother with a shower (they're not really done in the city I'm in bc most have families elsewhere). My aunt ended up doing a last minute shower in my home city.
My point is, I'm sure your friend loves you very much, but she should be sure to distribute her requests across many of her friends. Perhaps she will ask you to do a reading or something!
I think you are viewing the role of Maid of Honor differently than she is viewing it.
I had no idea, within my own little community, that a Maid of Honor was more than just a person who stood up in your wedding and signed your marriage license. Only as I got older did I realize that it involve a series of parties, helping out with planning and so on.
Your friend has some other people she arguably has to pick for political reasons - like her sister and step-daughter. She could have also asked you. But there could be myriads of reasons here: maybe she feels it's more of an insult to have you as a bridesmaid than to totally omit you from the wedding party. All right, maybe that one's a stretch - maybe he's only having 3 guys on his side and she wants all of the sides to match. Maybe she feels that buying a special dress, shoes, etc. to be a Maid of Honor or bridesmaid would be more taxing than asking for your help.
I disagree with the idea of asking her about it, though - I very much think that comes off as, "Pick me" even if that's not what you intend. I think it undermines a decision that's already been made - if she wanted you to be in the wedding party, you would be. For whatever reason, she didn't select you. And asking for the reasoning could open up a can of worms - or you may wind up giving her another source of worry.
In your shoes, I would still help her plan the wedding. It's rare you find someone, even as a Maid of Honor, who will help you so much with your wedding. She may or may not thank you in a toast at the wedding (and I believe she should), maybe write you a nice thank-you note, maybe even include you in the wedding programs for some recognition.
Wish them well and wash your hands of it.
I don't think she has to make you her MOH only because she was yours, however to basically ask you to do everything an MOH would do without the title can be hard and even hurtful. I don't blame you for being confused. I would tell her how you feel... strong friendships should be able to hanlde that kind of a conversation. Why can't she have another bridesmaid anyways?
@Alexis22: I would be absolutely and completely 100% insulted and offended. I would not do all these things for her because it is not your responsibility. I am offended for you that she would ask you to do all this too and not have you as a bridesmaid. Honestly, I don't think I would tell her anything but I wouldn't plan anything too. Yes, I am passive aggressive like that ;)
@Alexis22: I think your response plan is a good one, and you're being very rational and considerate to your friend. I hope that the dress appointment and the talk go well!
This is a tough one. I don't think I would be insulted as the people she is picking do make sense but I would be hurt. I get the feeling you have enjoyed helping her but now feel a little used? You should not be doing all this stuff unless you really want to and you certainly shouldn't be throwing her a party. That is a bridesmaids job. If I was her I would have asked you and just had an uneven bridal party (I'm assuming her FI has 3 groomsmen selected)
Wow. Not only would I be hurt but I feel like its throwing salt in the wound to ask you to do ANYTHING for her. Yes, I said anything. She should ask her MOH and bridal party to help her. I don't think you had to be her MOH but ATLEAST a BM.
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