My Maid of Honor just got engaged and told me I won't be in her wedding…

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
717 posts
Busy bee

Not at all, that is ridiculous.  Why doesn’t she want you in her wedding party?  She can’t even be bothered to have you in the bridal party, not even Maid/Matron of Honor, but stll ecpects you to spend time and effort helping?  You’d also be incurring expenses from hosting a party for her.  Is she for real?

Post # 4
4439 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall

@Alexis22:  Normally I think that just because someone stands up  with you they don’t have to reciprocate when their time comes, but she’s not only not doing that…. she’s making you do all her footwork!  I would tell her that you think it’d be best if someone in the party hosted those things and that you’re NOT going to be a free wedding planner for her just because you recently got married.

I’d sit back and wait for my invitation and not do anything else honestly, but you sound nicer than me 🙂

Post # 5
1936 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@Alexis22:  This is a toughie. If it wasnt for her childhood friend being the Maid/Matron of Honor, I’d say that it’s just going to be her family, so let it go. I’m not a mind reader, so I cant shed light on to why the childhood friend was asked, and you were not.

I won’t lie, I’d be a little annoyed (ok, more than a little) if someone asked me to host showers and parties, help with planning, and generally put in the work that the MOH/family is typically expected to do. It sounds like she’s got her heart in the right place, and her reasoning is likely “well, I cant ask Alexis22 to be in the bridal party, but I want her to be included. She’s great with planning, so I bet she’d love to do tasks x, y, and z.”

So, no, you’re not being silly. I understand why you’d feel upset, especially if she was your Maid/Matron of Honor. If you’re not able to provide the effort and time she’s asking of you, then do what you can, and gracefully decline if you have other obligations. I would never ask someone to take on the role (essentially) of Maid/Matron of Honor if she wasn’t. I have some friends who love planning, doing DIY stuff, etc., and if they OFFER to help, I wouldn’t turn them down. 

Post # 6
11752 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’d be hurt but just because she was your Maid/Matron of Honor doesn’t obligate to make her part of her wedding party.  Maybe she wanted to include you as a 4th, but her fiance only wanted 3 people?  This happened with us.  I wanted 6, fiance wanted 3, so we settled on 5 and I had to cut one of my closest friends out.  I’m sure she was disappointed but she never said anything about it and totally understood when I finally explained the why to her. She has always been super happy and excited and helpful and there for everything along the way.  It’s not that big of a deal. But given that you aren’t int he wedding party, you aren’t obligated to help her or throw her any parties – you can address that directly with her.  If you want to help her out, great if not, don’t.

Post # 7
1966 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Not at all I would be hurt too. It’s rude to expect so much when you aren’t even a bm. I would understand if there was no bridal party at all. Not cool IMO.

Post # 8
3943 posts
Honey bee

ouch, I would be hurt too. I would tell her that you would love to be a guest but you’ll be unable to host wedding parties for her.

Post # 9
5966 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

I equate her saying, “Your not in my wedding, but I still want you to do all this stuff for me.”  to someone inviting you over to dinner, letting you help cook and then throwing you out the front door as soon as it’s time to eat.  Boundary time, if your girlfriend wants these ladies to stand up with her, let them take care of her bridal whims and woes…you go get a massage and pick out a rocking pair of shoes to go to the wedding in….you are off the hook!

Post # 10
3755 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

It’s one thing to not ask you to be in her wedding party, that would be a disappointment but to ask you to do all the work but not be in the party?? That’s just rude!! It’s absolutely NOT your responsibility to do legwork for her and it is DEFINITELY not on you to do a shower and bachelorette. That’s absolutely ridiculous of her to ask. I’m sorry you are dealing with this! Unfortunately I don’t have much advice on how to proceed from here…

Post # 11
3769 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I’d be insulted. If you want to be a little passive about it you can tell her you’d hate to step on anyone’s toes in the bridal party since those events are their responsibility, and thus you will not be planning those events.

I would not be that nice though.

Post # 12
2705 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@mchitt329:  I agree.

Normally, it’s ok to not have someone be in your wedding party even though you were in her’s.  But, you don’t then ask the non-BM to do your leg work.  I would definitely be offended and hurt.

I would probably help her with little projects now and then, but say that I don’t have time to do big things, such as research vendors.  I would also take PP’s advice and say that you don’t want to host a shower or bachelorette party because you don’t want to step on the Maid/Matron of Honor and BMs’ toes.

Post # 13
7653 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

I would feel hurt…I think its tacky that she expects you to throw all these parties for her. That isn’t fair. However did you guys have a problem after your wedding? Because you said that you only made her Maid/Matron of Honor because your childhood bestie was 2 states away. Doesn’t sound like she is really your best friend if you only chose her because someone else couldn’t help you out as much. That isn’t how you chose your bridal party. Or shouldn’t be. On the other hand though I would still feel hurt. I wouldn’t put much effort into helping her if she just sort of snubbed me from the wedding party.

Post # 14
598 posts
Busy bee

I’d be a bit hurt also by this. If you aren’t in her wedding party, let her have her Maid/Matron of Honor do her dirty work for her.

Post # 15
3697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

“I totally understand why you want to choose those ladies to be in your wedding party.  And throwing bachelorette parties and wedding showers is an honor that comes with that ‘position.’  I certainly wouldn’t want to take that away from them, since they’re obviously very special to you.  Email me if you want to know the name of my florist.”


Post # 16
642 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

Sorry, no.  That shit is all VERY expensive to do.  She couldnt even ask you to be in the Wedding Party….just tell her look  Id love to HELP, but I am not throwing those for you. Sorry.

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