Post # 1
I’m having an internal struggle with my Maid of Horror (seriously, that’s what she’s turning into! – to top it off she’s also my SIL) She was reluctant to attend my batchelorette (that’s coming up in about a month) because her and my brother are trying for a baby now, and she’s “avoiding alcohol” (I found this out through my best friend who is planning the party) but she said she would come for the dinner portion of the party, which was fine. A day later she says to my friend she cannot attend because “she has family commitments she can’t get out of” ok, fine I can deal with that.
My FMIL had a BBQ for all the girls helping out with my shower (as a bit of a thank you to them and so they could all meet each other). I told her the details 2 weeks ahead of time, she got back to me and said she would “check her schedule” to see if she could come. She got back to me and said she could attend the BBQ — 2 days before, but said she could only stay for an hour. No problem. I was glad she could make it.
My brother calls me the day of the BBQ and said she has lost her voice and is sick in bed, and that she won’t be attending.
Now my and FMIL’s (and my mom’s) problem is we don’t know where to sit her at the shower, with her mom and sister or at the head table. I feel like she should be at the head table because she’s my MOH, but really has done nothing to help plan it, didn’t attend the BBQ and isn’t coming to my batchelorette, and she wont know any of the girls (other than one she absolutely hates) So I asked her what she would be more comfortable with and she said it was up to me.. What would you bees do?
FI and I are having a DW in December, my brother and SIL are best man and MOH – they have yet to book their hotel/flights. FI and I have doubts they will attend (we asked them to be BM and MOH a year ago)
Honestly, the tension between her and my family is insane. Her and my bro got married 5 months ago and we’ve seen her 3 times since the wedding. I just feel like she doesn’t like me. I’m really trying to get along with her, she’s family now. I just feel like she doesn’t care – I chose her to be my MOH to bring us closer (we’ve had problems since she met my FI and really disrespected him, 5 years ago) I wanted her being my MOH to be an olive branch and I feel like she’s acting really shitty. I was her BM (which was forced my my parents/brother) and was purposefully left out of attending her batchelorette, via her other BM’s/friends (and honestly probably her)
Am I reading too much into everything? Am I being petty in any way? What do you bees think of the whole thing? I need some outside perspective. What do you think of the whole situation?
Post # 2
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
I was going to ask why you asked her to be MOH. She sounds like either she’s a bitch in general or she doesn’t like you. Personally I would stop trying so hard, but that’s because I’m cynical.
You asked her where she prefers to sit and she put it back on you: I’d sit her away from the head table.
It’s sad that she’s making things suck between your brother and your family, but it’s not up to you to fix it. And she doesn’t give a hoot anyway, so you don’t have to worry about her.
Focus on the people in your bridal party who are actually there to support you and enjoy them!
Post # 3
To be honest, I would tell her that she should attend as a guest or as a regular BM. I know that won’t make things better for your relationship, but at least you won’t have to stress out about your MOH.
Post # 4
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it sounds awful! I’ve always understood a MOHs role to be your right hand woman, your go to girl and your support through the planning process which is why when I got engaged I immediately asked my best friend. A couple of people have asked why I didn’t ask my sister, maybe it’s seen as a snub but I chose the person who I knew would be the most supportive. I can’t imagine asking someone who’s already been, by the sounds of things, quite awful to you any your FI. You’re a better person than I am to do that in the 1<sup>st</sup> place and now, by the sounds of things she’s not doing her job. Far from planning things she’s not even taking part in things and what? If I’m reading your post right the BM and MOH might not attend the wedding?! Family unity and olive branches aside I think it’s probably time for a polite and tactful chat between the four of you (You, FI, brother and SIL) to see if you can get to the bottom of the issue, gauge whether it can be fixed and if not make a couple of changes to your wedding party. Good Luck
Post # 5
somethingnew: yeah…why the hell is she your MOH? Pick a good friend, include her in bridal party and stop worrying about her so much. She isn’t worrying much about yoiu at all and is not making any effort
I would include her in bridal party and basically expect her to show up day of ( and still invite her to any events) and thats it. Please don’t make your wedding and pre wedding events all about her!!
Post # 6
somethingnew: Boxerlover24: I second this. If she doens’t give a shit why should you?
Post # 7
somethingnew: i am all for extending the olive branch but to be your MOH on this – your most important day i think (personally) was a bit much. i would of stuck her as a BM at least. she stuck you as her BM, she disrespected your FI, she has no time for you – that sounds like a major pain in the ass to me. she clearly understands the role of a MOH as she is married herself but is not stepping up to the plate. it’s probably too late to demote her or put her as a guest without causing WWIII. that being said, have a frank and honest conversation with her. tell her how you feel and put the ball back in her court. let people know what you’ve done and how you feel so when she doesn’t step up (or if she does bonus!) it won’t make you look like the bad person. frankly, the convo should be the last olive branch you extend to her.
Post # 8
As my FFIL would say, “She sucks. Ditch her.” Although he’s adorable when he says that kind of thing 🙂
In any case, it is obvious from your post that she has absolutely no interest in being your MoH. None. And as awful as that is, its her right. I say invite them, but tell her you can tell she’s had some stuff going on, and that’s OK, so you don’t want to burden her with MoH duties. Pick someone who you have an established, good relationship with, to be your MoH.
Post # 9
I know it’s way too late for this advice, but don’t pick someone to be your MOH in the hopes it will bring you closer: that has never, and will never work.
She’s obviously not interested in all the parties, etc, but do you really think she won’t show up at all? I htink you need to call her and lay it all out there. Give her an out.
Post # 10
I would ask someone else to be the MOH. It was a very poor decision (albeit for good reasons) to choose her and you really shouldn’t expect anything. SHe sounds like a complete bitch, and I’d just trust that that’s her character and be done with it.
Post # 11
I agree with the PP’s. She shouldn’t be you MOH. A sufficient olive branch would’ve been asking her to be a BM, and based on what you have said about her, I wouldn’t have even offered that! She doesn’t seem interested in your wedding or your friendship. Do yourself and your SIL a favor by letting her out of this responsibility and ask a legitimate friend to fill your MOH position before it’s too late. Hopefully one of your other BM’s will be ok with being “second choice” lol.
Post # 12
I wouldn’t worry about whether she is MOH or not. Really it just means she stands next to you at hte ceremony and is in wedding party pictures. In the mean time, sit her with the people she knows. Don’t expect her to do things for you since you aren’t really that close. It sounds to me like she might eventually be speaking up and saying she isn’t even able to attend the wedding.
Post # 13
why is she your MOH? honestly i would just stop worrying about her altogether. sit her with people she knows at any pre-events, and then just remind your brother to make sure plane tickets are bought/hotel reserved in enough time for the wedding.
Post # 14
prahajess: dojx: Steph77: Boxerlover24: axia08: ScubaSiren: MrsBagel: sara_tiara: leahkate: TheLadyA : Scarlett11: MrsHalpert:
Thanks for all the replies bees, just a bit more background info. I spoke to my best friend about SIL being my MOH before I asked her to be. My best friend agreed that I should ask her out of good faith, and to get over all the negativity of the past. Aside from a MOH/Best Man we have no other people in the wedding party. We didn’t feel the need to have a big bridal party since were having a DW.
I showed all your replies to my mom and she (and I) agree with all of you. I guess my over-niceness to her is because there’s been a big rift from my dads side of the family since ’98, we only recently started speaking to one of my dad’s sisters, because she reached out to us. I’m just such a family oriented person, that if things went south with my brother (via a bad relationship with SIL) it would really suck. I thought her being my MOH would be the ultimate “lets get over this bullshit” but apparently its not. I guess I have to just stop trying with her. Its unfortunate, but hearing it from you all just reaffirmed thoughts I was already having. Also, hearing it from you guys also affirmed it to me that everything that happened with her wasn’t a coincidence.
I did forget to mention that I already had a (small – only about 10 ladies) Bridal Shower back in June, hosted by my mom’s best friend. Mostly for ladies who didn’t want to drive too far for this upcoming shower (its closer to FI’s family – were’ expecting about 70 ladies – 60 from FI’s side). MOH did attend the first shower, but said hello to and hugged everyone except for my mother and I (well she did say hi to me – but didn’t say anything to my mom) and that was about it. She also was the first guest to leave. (my FMIL saw all this behavior and shit herself – because she thought it was so disrespectful)
So all in all, I’ll sit her as a regular guest at the shower, see how that plays out. My mom and I are under the impresson shes probably pregnant – so when (if) that announcement comes I’ll give her an out to step down. If that doesn’t happen I’m going to have a bold conversation with my brother (not her – because it will not go well) in the next month or so about if they will be attending the wedding or not – because we need to make other plans.
Thank you all so much, all your replies were beyond helpful!
Post # 15
somethingnew: honestly she just sounds like she is making excuses and isn’t interested… I’m sorry. But really, she couldn’t come to your bachelorette because she was avoiding alcohol? I mean, was someone forcing drinks on people? Was the alcohol going to accidentally jump down her throat? Just weak excuses. I had two pregnant friends at my bachelorette. They traveled from DC to NYC for my bachelorette weekend, still went to all the events, and went back to the hotel to rest if the bar was too crowded or they felt tired. She’s basically telling you she wants to keep the relationship as is. Let it go and keep things polite but distant.
You’re a very sweet person for trying so hard and being so patient with her. 🙂 I would have snapped already!