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Wow. I would say something to your boss ASAP. I'm really pissed off for you right now!! I know that doesn't help the situation, but sh*t like that really grinds my gears. I'm also thinking that if you get fired for bringing an instance of sexual harassment to light (and yeah, that's what it is, asking about your underwear?! Basically telling to you lose weight?!) then that would be a legal issue in and of itself... someone well versed in law, am I right?
@mrbee: I think the important part of HR is that you CAN'T have any consequences for bringing up a legitimate issue. Lawsuits could arise if otb ever experienced backlash for making a legit complaint.
snmcdowell - I totally agree. In a perfect world, *he* should be worried and her job should be completely safe.
I have seen friends lose jobs before b/c they made a completely justified complaint... and so the company dismissed *them* to deal with the problem!
It's totally unfair and I don't in any way condone it. But I just wanted to look out for otb, so thought I'd mention it!
Wow.
Yeah... No. That's about eight million kinds of over the line and I'd say his HR absolutely needs to know about the incident.
Edited to add: In the event that you don't feel comfortable making his HR aware of this particular comment, I would at least make a note of what happened and when in a personal file. If comments like this persist despite his apology you'll have evidence of a record of harassament.
Mrbee is somewhat right. The laws are on her side, but reality often isn't.
I would say if he apologized, I wouldn't go to the boss. Especially if this was one isolated incident. Obviously it was horrifically inappopriate, but he realized he was wrong, so I would personally let it go as long as it never happens again!
I think it matters HOW you bring this up. I think you need to, but maybe more as a "I want to document this" type way and not a "OMG BLOW THE WHISTLE ON THIS A-HOLE CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS" sort of way. That way they have the info, you're not appearing crazy - you just want it documented in case it happens again. The end.
Um, he said it was a JOKE?! Really? I realize this is totally playing into gender stereotypes, but what man in his right mind would razz a woman about her weight?! When I was in sixth grade, a classmate of mine commented that I was fat, and I remember it to this day. With our culture being as weird as it is about a woman's weight and the prevalence of eating disorders, that's totally NOT something to joke about.
Yeah, I think if he came over and apologized, you called him out on being insensitive and not funny, then even though you're pissed, beating a dead horse won't really help. He's realized it was inappropriate and that'll stop it.
Men say rude, ridiculous things. It's no excuse, but for some reason that's hwo they are around each other. My guy says stuff like that all the TIME to his guy friends. It's so weird.
I guess I'm just not sure where complaining after he apologized will get you. He knows it was mean and he said he won't do it again. But complaining will make him madder at you and may cause work to get awkward. In a week, you will likely be over it and will feel bad about the tension.
Once, I wasn't thinking and asked a coworker if his wife was drunk. I thought, she just had a baby, she's having some wine, woohoo! But she was just being nutty! As soon as I said it, i was like "omg...." and he said, "oh no, she's just VERY social butterfly!". I realized i shouldn't have said it, that it was WAY inappropriate, and apologized. I never said that again, and I was perfectly nice to her the next time. If he'd gone and complained FURTHER to our boss, I'd have been like, "dude...i said i was sorry. Accident, ok?" Kinda the same thing. Sometimes you say really dumb crap.
I've had people ask if i was pregnant before. No, sorry, just a little belly chunk. And it always stung and made me cry. But a week later, I'd forgotten and moved on! And now i just look back and shrug and realize some people are just not classy underneath it all. And I think that's all you can do.
@otb-After reading the exact wording of his comment, I am flabbergasted that he would think that his comment could in any way be construed as funny. He clearly has some growing up to do. I am sorry you had to deal with this. It amazes me how people have no idea how one comment can literally ruin a person's day. At least he finally did realize that he crossed a line and apologized, but I hope he doesn't think that that will make everything sunshine and roses tomorrow. I don't know if I would report him now that he has apologized. It is great that you were very straightforward with him that he was out of line, and that what he said was hurtful. I would document this incident for yourself only right now. He is officially on notice and if he does anything like that again, then I would report him. Then it is a pattern.
What an a**hat.
mr. bee is kinda right - while HR is the "proper" way to handle it - often if you are in a position that is transient and you are seen as a complainer it can be hard on you after that.
and honestly you are a better woman than i. i would have done one of two things:
a) responded with "wow. nice to know you think its appropriate to comment on my body in a work environment. big mistake and RED light, ass." and walk away.
B) - and this is depending on what mood i was in: kick him square in the nads.
but thats just me.
@spaganya - He was sitting behind his desk, otherwise kicking him in his nads might have been a valid option.
I still can't believe what he said. Just the thought of someone thinking that would be funny... you shouldn't have to deal with his immaturity. I agree with others, though, HR can get complicated. I know that my aunt worked for the Attorney General downtown, and Blago was a huge ass to woman, as was most of his staff. Guess who stayed and guess who got hurt through HR complaints? It's not fair, but it is life sometimes.
I'm sorry, I know that he apologized for his comment, but what he said is clearly harassment. I think that at MINIMUM you should inform your supervisor of what occurred. That way, the incident is documented. If he does this again, then what? Do you just let it go to avoid an awkward situation at work?
@ MrBee, I'm sorry that you have had friends who have been terminated for filing complaints about similar circumstances, but if that is the case, then your friends have grounds to file wrongful termination suits. I'm fairly positive that it's illegal to terminate an employee based solely on the fact that they filed a complaint against another employee.
I would definitely document what happened, where, when and if anyone witnessed it. Keep it somewhere safe in case he does it again. It is a tough situation since he apologized, but if he ever says something inappropriate again, I would make sure you make your mutual boss aware of the incident.
Print off some large visual online ads for penis enlargement/enhancement and place them around his office and cubical. Or bring them to him and announce loudly, "hey- I found these penis enhancers and I have no use for them, but I figured you were back on the market and need all the help you can get."
I would absolutey make a 'joke' about his ex wife. That kind of joke is the exact same kind of joke he made. And smile right into his eyes. If he says anything raz him about not having a sense of humour.
Throw ketchup on his car!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But in all seriousness, I am so sorry you are forced to work with such a rude and disgusting person. I hope someone verbally lays into him one day so he can understand how that feels. Thats EXTREMELY inappropriate no matter where you are, work or not. It is none of his damn business what you wear to work or what you dont wear to work. He obviously is a cold hearted ass and will pay the consequences of that in life, no one wants a friend like that. or the crappy girl that was sitting next to him because it sounds to me like she was in on it. Ugh ppl like that make me want to rewind to middle school and resort to violence
Agree with Arachna here.. sometimes, you can be the bigger person... Or you can really get in a zinger to a person that deserves it. Should a one liner situation come up that you can throw something in, i say do it!
At first I was all for saying something to your boss. No one, no one, should ever be subjected to that. The fact that you guys have never had an issue before is also surprising---but seriously, what's his problem? I think since he apologized and you made it very well known that he was out of line, insensitive, etc I would probably call it done. While HR is supposed to be there for you, I too have seen people get screwed over. I'm really sorry you had to deal with this. I would have probably stayed in the bathroom all morning from the crying I was doing.
And why is that men seem to think it's okay to make comments about women's bodies? Especially when they are also not in the best of shape? It's like men expect women, sometimes, to be perfect like a damn cover model. Makes me furious.
My advice is send him an email. Tell him his comment about your weight/ underwear was not appropriate, and that while you appreciate the apology, you want to be 100% clear that this sort of thing doesn’t happen again. if he emails back to apologise then you have it on paper. print out the emails and put them in a folder and the next time he is rude, bring the folder to hr. don’t retaliate or say anything about his wife, that could just get you in trouble. use words like “unprofessional” and “hostile work environment” in the email. government employees are hard to have fired and paperwork is the way to go.
I'm sorry you had to go thorugh that. I've had a similar thing happen to me with my own father. It's hard to hear what you might think already. ESPECIALLY from someone who doesn't see it as a problem to say it to you and they've got their own gut to worry about. Originally I'd say definately go to your boss that isn't right and he should be reprimanded. But right now companies have people who are willing to do the same job lining up so it's easiest to get rid of the wave maker. So sad, I know. As long as you've talked to him though and you feel better about that. *hugs* I hope your day gets better. You can always cuddle up with a bowl of ice cream (yea yea I'm THAT girl... ice cream solves it all) and a good chick flick to help it.
I really can't believe you have to deal with that kind of crap at work.. that is TOTALLY unacceptable. It's just unreal to me. Isn't that considered a hostile work environment? Someone would get written up for that at the company I work for, maybe even more.
LOL at Shannon
But for real... WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE THESE DAYS?? I don't know how to handle it but it is absolutely awful. And I hope he gets a karma cosmic kick in the junk!
I know people are just venting, but I would strongly recommend against any verbal retaliation! If things did ever go to HR in the future, that would greatly undermine your case...
So sorry you have to deal with this crap!
i'm just in shock that anyone would ever say that - even if you were my best friend and we were joking around i still wouldn't say something like that.
wow. some people out there have a little growing up to do..
LAME!!! I'm so sorry that you had to deal with that jerk face. I hope it gets better for you at work!!!
Jaw droppingly inappropriate and horrible!
You said that you are pretty friendly and exchange books. Is he socially awkward? Is it possible that he really didn't 'get' that this was totally inappropriate? I know that men often do 'joke' with each other this way, growing up with my brothers.
I do think it's a good sign that he apologized. My first fear was that he's a total bully, but him apologizing makes me think probably not. I would feel him out and see where it goes from here. if you get the slightest hint that this will be an ongoing thing, head to the boss immediately. If he seems like he's just socially impaired, hopefully he got the message.
OTB...this is evil...but just nice to think evil thoughts sometimes:
Unscrew all the screws of his chair. When he sits down and it crashes into pieces, pass by and say "Well....I guess somebody needs to start going to the gym."
I know. Horrible. But deliciously tempting, isn't it?
Someone I considered a friend told me I looked pregnant my freshman year of high school and I stopped eating. It hurt me so bad and I felt so ugly! I thought MAN I must be really ugly if this "friend" felt the need to tell me that. It led to an eating disorder, which is something I'm not proud of and have since gotten over. I'm not saying in any way that I think you're going to take my idiotic plan of action, but I just wanted to say don't let it get to you! I've finally learned that some people are just a**holes with no tact, manners, or regard for anyone elses feelings.
To quote my FI and his friends, that guy is such a p00ntard! I know that if anyone said something like that to my mom, she would have strung them up right then and there! She is a government worker too.
@Hazel920, HAHAHAHAHHAHA. that is the best one yet, haha. I love that idea. I'd be mentally replaying that one in my head all freakin' day.
But yeah, fighting fire with fire after the fact usually doesn't bode well. It's one thing to say something on the spot, another to be revengeful.
Sorry this happened to you!
When I was a co-op (intern) one of my co-workers I thought I was friends with told me that I should stop screwing around and find a boyfriend quickly before I finish college or no one would want me. He goes "Where are you going to meet someone? In a bar? No one will want you!" Thanks, jerk. At least I didn't marry someone for a green card and a cheap house.
I fully support unscrewing his chair. You would be my hero. :-D
HR is very shady and I don't trust them farther than I can throw them. I would NEVER complain to HR about anything, but that's just me. The one time I was *dumb* enough to be honest with HR about wanting to move offices it totally came back to bite me in the worst way. They're experts about making any problem you're having YOUR fault. They immediately open your file and try to find something, anything on you to prove that you're just a bad employee. That way they don't have to do anything expect either lecture you about how nothing is wrong and there shouldn't be a problem or getting rid of you.
I have no idea why people feel like it's okay to comment on a womans weight. Once when i went to a family bday party my Gmom came up to me with a shocked face and said "Wow, Moderndaisy, you've put on a lot of weight!" Right in front of everyone. I could have died right there. The truth is, I did put on a few pounds but I was really just wearing an unflattering outfit. I'm thin, but I look fat and/or pregnant in a lot of styles since I'm so short and curvy.
I would never retaliate. I have made my feelings known and he has apologized. I do have to say that some of the retorts and actions you bees have come up with have cheered me up greatly! I was so frustrated yesterday afternoon, that I needed someplace to vent. Thank you ladies (and Mr. Bee!) for helping me with that. It's really appreciated.
happy to help! and let it be known - if you need someone to fly in and do a "what happens in vegas"-esque knock on his door and punch to the nads with a "YOU KNOW WHY!!!!" let a sista know 
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