Post # 1
Bee’s I don’t know where else to turn right now so I am going to spill it all on here. I don’t think my personal life with my husband needs to be shared with my family or friends, athough DH has been telling EVERYONE that we are having problems.
If you ask him, he has been unhappy since right after we got engaged…3 years ago. Now he is to the point where he tells me he thinks about suicide and tells a girl at work about it all the time but won’t talk to me about it. He messaged me today and told me we need to do counseling so I gladly called and made an appt. I have been trying to get him to do counseling for awhile. I read the five love languages and asked him to read it, or even just the chapters about us and it’s been 6 months and it is untouched. I asked him to make a list of the things that make him feel the most loved and I made a list and he wouldn’t do it.
Our sex life is his problem. I have little to no sex drive and it’s killing him. It’s all he ever complains about. And it’s been worse recently because I recently had knee surgery, he has a concussion and then I got sick so it hasn’t exactly been easy. He is mad at me right now because he has been playing video games day and night the past week or so and has been completely ignoring me and when he realized I was upset, he came in the bedroom when I was trying to sleep and tried to have sex. When I told him no, he got mad and didn’t speak to me yesterday.
I feel so alone and lost right now. I am seriously trying to make an effort to make things better but I don’t always feel like the effort is being made on his end. We both have our issues but I feel like it’s his issues with me that he is constantly attacking.
Not really sure where I was going with this post, I just needed to get this out there. Thanks for listening!
Post # 3
I’m sorry that you are going through this. I hope that counseling will help you guys figure out the deeper root of your problems. Good luck 🙂
Post # 4
Hi Mrs SP, let me start first by giving you a supportive **hug**! Wooo-sahhh.
Sounds like you’ve been holding in a lot and are frustrated with your efforts not being embraced by your DH. I will say that I after reading your post, he sounds seriously depressed. Suicide is a critical word, and telling people he’s thinking about it is a cry for help. What you need to realize is that it probably has little to do with your relationship, sex life, or current lack thereof and more to do with his BRAIN CHEMISTRY.
I admire you trying to seek couples counseling, but you and he need to go separately! He needs therapy and possibly medication to handle depression, and you certainly need someone to talk to as well. Even if you do go to couples counseling, a good therapist will immediately separate you to help you constructively handle your issues. Even if DH fails to keep his appointment I would recommend that YOU see someone immediately for help, both emotionally and practically.
Hang in there! **hugs** again!
Post # 5
@Mrs.SplatterPaint: I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. I think that counseling might help a lot. (Especially individual counseling for him if he’s depressed enough to be suicidal.)
Another thing I’d suggest is reading the book “The Sex Starved Marriage.” My FI and I have very different sex drives – mine is much higher – and I think the book does a really good job of talking about and validating both partners’ feelings about a marriage between partners with mismatched sex drives and providing some solutions. Even if he won’t read it, it might do you some good, both with having your emotions validated and gaining a better understanding of his) and maybe you’ll be able to use it to spark some discussions.
Post # 6
Sorry to hear about how upset you are and how you wish to keep this private, but he tells everyone else about it without discussing the issues with you. *hug*
I don’t really have much to say since he said he was willing to go to counseling now and you’ve agreed – so I guess make an appointment and see how it goes?
I don’t think it’s OK that he gets so upset about the lack of a sex life. Exactly how often do you do it now? And do you know why you have such a low libido? Are you on the pill? Are you under a lot of stress? Have you recently gained weight? I had a low libido for all 3 of those reasons. I got off the pill and decided to make an effort to “schedule” sex. Sometimes you just have to “pencil” it into your calendar like an appointment and go through the motions. But, he shouldn’t be getting angry at you if you say no. You guys both need to work on it together – it needs to be something that is enjoyable for the both of you. He shouldn’t come when you’re half asleep after a knee surgery and get upset when you say no. There definitely needs to be effort on his part.
I hope the counseling works out. At the very least, the two of you need to talk about what the problems are and how to fix them.
Is there anything else bothering you guys except for the sex life? And how long has this been a problem for? Since you got engaged? Or is this more recent and there were other problems before?
Post # 7
@dancindiva: Thanks. I have a therapist that I was seeing regularly for awhile but with my crazy after school schedule (coaching and physical therapy), I haven’t been in in awhile. I am looking forward to meeting this new therapist because she deals with intimacy issues which I think I need help with.
I really hope he can talk to someone about his depression. It started as seasonal depression and I’ve talked to him about medication or seeing a therapist and he was against it. It’s so frustrating that he obviously needs and wants help but won’t get it.
We go next Monday so hopefully we can start getting things worked out and move forward from all of this.
Thanks for your support.
Post # 8
I am so sorry sweetie, I really hope that getting marraige counceling helps. I know that the first year of marriage is hard and I know this because it is mine first year but try to remember how you felt the day of your wedding towards him.
When I feel resentment or anger towards my DH, I like to look at our wedding pictures to remind myself why I married him. It is a good sign that he is willing to seek help so that is a good step in the right direction.
Post # 9
@KatieBklyn: Thanks I’ll look into that book
@futuremrsk18: I am on the pill, take anxiety medication and have gained back some weight since having surgery. All three things have caused a decrease in my sex drive. Seriously the only thing he ever gets upset about is the lack of sex. It’s usually once a week but I try for twice but it doesn’t always happen. I’ve talked to him about “scheduling” it but he says he doesn’t like that idea because then it seems like a chore and he wants it to be spontaneous and has all of these crazy, unrealistic fantasies that he expects to have happen.
Post # 10
@Mrs.Jansen: thanks for that advice!
Post # 11
I think it’s good you guys are going to counseling. Hang in there.
Post # 12
For privacy’s sake, you should unlink your Bee account from your Facebook. I hope counseling is productive and healing for you both.
Post # 13
@Mrs.SplatterPaint: Yes, he seems to have unrealistic ideals. I thought you were going to say you don’t have sex more than once a month. Guys should jump for joy at once a week. I do give my FI BJs to compensate for when I’m too tired/not in the mood for sex. I’ve never met a guy who would decline them. Have you tried that as an option? Maybe 1x/week each (BJ and sex) to help calm him down?
Post # 14
Curious, did you guys have sex issues before you married (mismatched sex drives), or is this a more recent development ?
Post # 15
@futuremrsk18: I’ll suggest that.
@This Time Round: Yes, this has been an issue for him for at least 3 years. I’ve seen my family dr. about it, switched my anxiety med, saw a counselor, talked to my obgyn about it…I know it’s an issue and I want to fix it but I just feel like I’m constantly being torn down because nothing is good enough.
Post # 16
@futuremrsk18: I don’t want this to sound unsupportive to the OP, but as a partner on the “other side” of the mismatched sex drive divide, I think it’s important not to dismiss her husband’s desire for more sex as unreasonable. What is normal/reasonable/acceptable in terms of frequency is different for every person, and one person’s “too much” is another person’s “not nearly enough” and there’s really no objective level where it’s unreasonable for someone to want more or less sex than they’re having.
In my experience, sex is more than just orgasms – I could easily have those on my own if that’s all I wanted. It’s feeling connected to my partner, feeling sexy and desirable, feeling loved and accepted by him on every level. I know that for me, when my fiance turns me down a lot or goes for a long stretch (and for me, I’d call a week a “long stretch”) I feel really rejected, depressed, undesirable and just generally awful. It’s much more emotionally hurtful than just an unfulfilled physical desire. Believe me, I wish I had a lower sex drive! Like the OP, this is the ONE issue that keeps coming up between us, but it’s such an important one because it affects both of us very deeply. (I know that he also feels frustrated, depressed, helpless and angry when I get upset about a dry spell. It isn’t just me that’s affected – and I’m sure this affects the OP as well, as someone who loves her husband and wants him to be happy, but also needs to consider her own needs and desires.)
OP, sorry for writing a novel here but I really do think the book I recommended would be helpful, as well as counseling for both of you and for your husband – and possibly anti-depressants if he’s willing to visit a psychiatrist as well. I’m hoping for the best for you! If it’s any consolation, my fiance and I have made a lot of progress since finishing the book and even though things aren’t perfect, I think we both have a lot more compassion for each other’s feelings and have been able to figure out some compromises. (For instance, if he isn’t feeling up to sex, we might instead make time for a heavy petting session or a cuddle on the couch or a makeout session. Those things help remind me that I’m sexy and desirable and loveable and fulfill my craving for his touch without putting any performance pressure on him.) I’m really optimistic that you guys will be able to work through this.
ETA: I just re-read your first post and I just wanted to add that he really does need to be willing to work on this with you. Mismatched sex drives are not just his problem or your problem, and you won’t be able to fix them all by yourself – he needs to put in work, too, and learn to compromise and learn to understand YOUR needs and feelings and desires. I just wanted to make sure my advice didn’t make it sound like this is your problem to fix. It’s not.