Post # 1
Hi all… This may seem like a repost, so I will apologize for that. I lied to my husband (now married 8 years) about what happened while he was a contractor in the Middle East, and I was alone and waiting. My husband (not then married) and I had met in a bar one night, got into a conversation and parted ways. Just that once. We exchanged contact information. He was gone the next day. We never dated physically or saw each other again for the 3 and a half years he was away. The relationship however blossomed online and on skype and phone during that time. We had lots to talk about and were constantly talking. Before anyone judges how strange it seemed, we both fell in love. I was 21, he was 30. After 2 years away, he promised he would be returning. He never did. I waited and waited. Eventually he said he had extended his contract for another year. That broke me up. It seemed that he wasn’t ready to return to me. During that period of great disappointed, I met someone else I had previously dated. We started seeing each other. I had a fling twice. I deeply regretted it. I broke it off with him.
I was still in touch with my husband (not married at the time). I did not tell him about the affair. After another year of waiting and being told ‘I will be home soon’, he did return. We got married. Had a son. It’s been 8 years now. I never said anything, though he always asked if ‘anything had happened while he was gone’. Eventually he found out and I confessed. He was hurt. He was asking all the gory details…what we did, where we went, where we did it, who knew, if I enjoyed it, you name it. We are still working through this now.
I learned that I should have been honest when he returned. I should have told him I had met someone else. I should perhaps had dated him for a while when he returned…we got married fast! But we do love each other. He still asks punishing questions, I still have to talk about what happened more than 8 years ago. Some details I can’t remember since it was long ago. We are working through this. A movie on TV about cheating will trigger a fight. But I know I messed. He is with me and is trying to work things out.
Thank you ladies.
Post # 2
Hey there, I’m sorry you’re going through this, especially when the problem was from so many years ago. Did you agree to be exclusive while he was gone? Have you explained your hurt and doubt of his return? I’m not advocating prolonging the fight, but maybe a final, rational discussion can close up the issue for you two. I might even mention to him that bringing up the issue is hindering your current relationship. If I knew you IRL, I’d pull your husband aside and say, “Shakazulu loves you with her whole heart, and you have made a wonderful marriage and little one together! Please try not to focus on the past, but your present together!” Since I can’t do that, I’ll just send hugs and best wishes.
Post # 3
I am confused. If your wedding was November 2004 then you have been married more than 9 years. You have a couple of earlier posts from three years ago. You were trying to buy a wedding dress for an ‘Aug 13’ wedding. If you meant August 13th 2011 then you have been married less than 3 years. If you meant August 2013 then you’ve been married less than a year.
Post # 4
This post is just odd altogether
Post # 5
sorry for the confusion. I am going through an emotional roller coaster. Dates were changed to protect identities. The wedding ceremony was in 2011 August but we did rush to get married in the court house almost 9 years ago.
Post # 6
yes you should have told the truth from the beginning but you did not cheat on him, he strung you along for years! You had every right to date other people. Dont coddle his melt down about this too much- apologize for lying but thats it.
Post # 7
shakazulu: Honestly, I believe this is a case where honesty was NOT the best policy. I’m glad you guys have managed to wind up together, though.
Post # 8
See a marriage counselor. Now.
Post # 9
ClassicCorvette: We did agree to be exclusive during his absence. I waited for him to return, he never did even though he promised he would. That’s when I had the fling. I broke it off immediately because I really did love my SO even though he wasn’t here.
Post # 10
I understand, and I’m sure you two are strong enough to get through this.
Post # 12
[content moderated for name calling]
Post # 13
shakazulu: This isn’t cheating and in my mind, there was nothing to confess unless your conscience was dogging you. If you are not in a committed relationship or have had conversations that you’ll be monogamous, nothing wrong was done.
Post # 14
I waited for him to return, he never did even though he promised he would.
If he broke his promise to return then you were not in any sort of monogamous relationship so it is difficult to see what sort of moral high ground he wants to occupy now. Especially since you had only met, in person, ONCE! That’s a long-distance infatuation. Not a relationship.
This is one of those occasions when the advice is simple. He has to get over it. Nothing good will come of raking up this ancient history.
Post # 15
Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. I was keeping this secret because I knew that no good would come out of a confession. But he kept asking and asking ‘if something happened while he was away’. Eventually I confessed.
He is a sensitive type … and this is hitting him harder than I thought it would. He has refused counseling, saying ‘ he did nothing wrong’. I have explained what happened, how lonely and disappointed I was when he failed to show up. He doesn’t get it at all. He said he would look for the other guy and ask him about this. I haven’t seen or heard from the other guy since the fling ended many many years ago.