Post # 1
This goes out to all the Bees who are stressed with Family drama F’ing up their amazing magical day….
This will probably be more like a blog but i am looking for outside insight and advice on coping and handling this F’ed up situation.
I am 25. I have a brother who is 2 years younger than me, 23.
My brother and I are complete opposites. I was a straight A student in highschool and college.. Graduated in 6 years with 2 bachelor degrees. While i was the picture perfect student my brother on the other hand was the complete opposite. He dropped out of High School. Was very hateful and rude towards my parents. I cannot begin to count all the fist fights he has gotten into with my father, who is a police officer. My brother moved out at 18 to live with his friends and do drugs. He bounces from girlfriend to girlfriend LITERALLY every month. He lives with them for a month before they figure him out and kick him out. He meets these poor unsuspecting girls online.
Fast forward to today. My brother is back with the girl he was with last year. The are both High School drop outs. Neither has a job. She lives in a run down trailer with her parents and 3 uncles (who have just gotten out of prison for child molestation.) She got pregnant and had a baby in Feb 2013. My brother had nothing to do with her throughout the whole pregnancy. They were very evil towards each other.
Now, My wedding is Saturday. My lovely, beautiful, glorious year in the making wedding. Now let me back up. The wedding planning process has been a lot of heartache. Right before we started wedding planning my dad left my mom after 26 years of marriage. He went to be with the lady i always knew as the babysitter. I had grown up knowing and loving this woman and her daughter who is only 3 years younger than me was my bestfriend. Now we find out that she is my half sister and my dad has actually been cheating with this woman for over 22 years. I also have a 9 year old half sister by her too. My bestfriend/halfsister is also a bridesmaid. I asked her before all this S**t went down. Over the weekend i had to deal with the drama of my bridesmaid/halfsister wanting her mother (my dads now fiancee) to be at the salon where my mom will be getting her hair and makeup done with us. HECK NO. After a lot of emotions flying this weekend—it’s resolved with all parties happy and understanding.
So this AM as i am getting ready for work i am browsing facebook on my phone and see my brother and his “baby momma” have decided get married this Saturday (at the courthouse) Just to take away from my wedding. They are actually posting this. And my dad—-Said he might not make it to my wedding in time because he is going to be at my brothers wedding and there is a 3 hour drive between the to locations. So that pretty much eliminates him from any and all pictures before hand and possibly my wedding.
Post # 3
@ashleyr0512: Ok, that’s effed. If everything seemed to be smoothed out, why would your day choose your brother’s wedding over your’s?! That just makes me sad.
Post # 4
I am a big fan of giving people the benefit of the doubt. But just…WTF?
Your brother sounds like a self-centered brat, and your dad should under absolutely no circumstances be indulging this behaviour, espesically given the fact that you have been (based on your post) pretty reasonable in reaction to this half-sister debacle.
You need to call him stat and talk to him about this.
Post # 5
@ashleyr0512: *HUGS* Just remember, through all the ugliness of family drama, you get to marry your FI. Sometimes I think as brides, we just need to focus on that part. Otherwise, you run the risk of being driven insane by your families.
Post # 6
- Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall
@ashleyr0512: HOLY CRAP! I am so sorry all of this is happening.
Maybe given your brothers record he won’t go through with the wedding? If he does and your dad goes there, yes that will suck for you but given the drama that’s happened it will be a blessing in disguise that there won’t be any arguments set off over the situation?
Have you tried talking to your dad?
Post # 7
@ashleyr0512: Wow, that’s horrible! Please try to make the best of it.
Post # 8
@ashleyr0512: That whole thing sounds a little toxic to me. I’d be inclined to tell him that if he wants to eliminate my wedding from his day, he can eliminate himself from my life, starting with my phone number from his phone.
I’m so sorry. That’s awful. *hugs*
Post # 9
@mrsem2bee: @MRSsrm85: @mchitt329: @housebee: @sara_tiara: @sunshine_kar:
My dad has fallen in LOVE with the baby. The rest of my family is pretty stand off’ish because they aren’t sure it’s even his. It may be his because she announced she was pregnant a month after they broke up. But throughout the whole pregnancy she got back with her exboyfriend and claimed he was the father…blah blah blah. She is refusing to do a DNA test and my dad and brother believes it is his. I think the reason my dad is so on his side about everything is because he is scared to be cut out of the babys life.
My family is very toxic. So toxic that i told my fiancee to “get me the hell out of her”. a month later he took a job in NC (From GA) and i haven’t been back since–This was two years ago. I try to keep in contact with my family the best that i can—They all aren’t nuts but they drag me down so much. I really am considering eliminating a lot of people from my life after the wedding and starting with my dad. I don’t want to take away his opportunity to give me away since i am his only daughter who has had a wedding.. the other one got pregnant in HS and had a courthouse wedding… But he’s making it hard. In this 30k wedding he has paid zero dollars. And when his brother was being a butt about rsvping i asked my dad to follow up in they wre coming or not.. he told me no to do it myself. The only reason this uncle is even invited is because my dad insisted. He isn’t a well cherished member of the family either.
Ugh.. I haven’t verabalized this to my father because i know it will just start more drama when i want to be done with it. 5 more days and i can eliminate them completely.
Post # 10
First off, your brother sounds like a write off. I would love to say there’s a way to fix this, but he’s a bitter brat and I don’t think you need to do anything about him.
Your dad – I would say you need to confront him. Be straight up about everything, that you didn’t totally walk away from him when he left your mom after a 22 year affair, and that you’re actually embracing this part into your own wedding day, and after all that to abandon your wedding for your brother’s quickie courthouse jealousy wedding is unforgivable, and if he isn’t there, he shouldn’t expect to be there for any future grandchildren on your side.
I’m usually a lot more diplomatic, but I find this just wrong on so many levels.
Post # 11
- Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall
@ashleyr0512: If you’re going to cut communication with your father after the wedding I don’t see how it would be a problem if he’s not present during the ceremony and for pictures.
Post # 12
While there’s a lot of info in this post, it seems to all boil down to three things:
1. My father has been cheating on my mother with the babysitter since shortly after my younger brother was born, and has two children with her. This situation was only revealed during wedding planning.
2. My ne’er do well brother, after years of treating women like garbage, has suddenly decided to marry the mother of his child, on the same day as my wedding which has been planned for a year.
3. My father has decided to attend my brother’s wedding over mine, even though mine was scheduled long beforehand.
So, some ideas:
I’m wondering if 3 is related to 1. There’s little info in the letter on the current situation between him/your mom/his fiancee, although we know her daughter is still included in your BP. Are they cordial, or is there constant conflict and drama? If it’s the latter, maybe he’s using your brother as an excuse to avoid what he thinks will be an unpleasant situation at your wedding.
Your brother’s behaviour seem like a desperate bid for attention. It’s very difficult to grow up in the shadow of a “perfect” older sibling, and his history of underachievement and acting out isn’t that unusual. His entire life, he probably felt that your parents preferred you over him (whether that was justified or not), and holds it against you; this is a way to get back at you AND put his parents in a difficult position. Also, maybe your parents decided together that your dad would go there and your mom would stay at yours, to avoid accusations from your brother that they,re ignoring his wedding.
Post # 13
You know, I come from an incredibly toxic family too. I lost my parents when I was little and was raised by my mom’s incredibly toxic sister. I do get it.
After some serious counseling and soul searching I came to a place where I still love these people but I keep them at quite a distance. I live in a different state on purpose. Never regretted that decision. I still love them, but I sure don’t like them. I don’t spend time with them and it has made my life much more peaceful.
Let your dad go. Just let it go. Focus on your wedding right now and have a lovely day.
Post # 14
@geekspice: you’re right on all accounts. My wedding will be the first time my father, the gf and my mom have seen each other since the day he walked out. Even throughout the divorce they never saw each other. I think there is a lot of nervousness about what is going to happen. However, I have talked to all parties involved on several different occasions and they all assured me they will be adults and will do NOTHING to make this a weird and awkward day. They may have a parking lot beat down at the hotel after the wedding but they all say they will not do anything during the wedding to make it awkward for anyone involved.
I feel like my brother has always felt like he was growing up in a shadow. My mom actually went out of her way to favor him. He was never treated any differently from any of the family. But i think he was always jealous over what i had (that i worked for) and he felt entitled to the same things. Instead of working for it or trying to do better he just robbed my parents blind and pawned everything the owned.
Post # 15
@hermom: I feel like we are sisters in circumstance. I moved out of state to get rid of my family. Best decision i ever made. I was suicidal when i lived around my family. Even attempting suicide at one point in time and requiring medication to function. The day i moved away from them was the best day of my life. I have not felt one flicker of depression since that day. Don’t get me wrong–there are still good days and bad days that all people go through however, i have not been depressed. My life is so much better and from the sound of it yours is too. i’m glad we got out!
Post # 16
I too live on the other side of the world to get away from what’s left of my crappy family.
When I got married the 2nd time, I decided that neither of my parents would be invited. I wouldn’t have known where to find my father to invite him (not had contact now for nearly 24 years) and I just plain didn’t want my mother there.
I agree with hermom…let your father do whatever he will. You’ve got better things to concentrate on than a bunch of supposed ‘adults’ who can’t act that way.