My MIL and her family think I don't like them but gave no reasons why.

posted 3 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
2278 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012 - Southern California

I have no advice for you, but I can relate in that I have a quiet personality with an opininated MIL that thinks I don’t like her.  Until a year ago, we live in the same city as her, but moved about 35 minutes to be closer to our job & a city we could relate to better [considering we’re still young & childless], but she still thinks it’s becase we don’t want to spend time with her :/.  Totally not true!  She also gets along better with my SIL [BIL’s wife] because they still live in town & SIL has an outgoing personality & can pretty much make friends with anyone!  

I have the same worries as you about everything I/we do being judged, but my husband tries to remind me that he’s a grown adult & can make decisions too so his mom can stop blaming me & start blaming him haha. 

Post # 3
Member
1131 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Ugh, if you DO actually dislike her, I wouldn’t blame you because she sounds like a racist.

She’s probably upset that her son doesn’t spend as much time with her family as he used to and that he married a non-white woman. But she knows she can’t actually complain about those things, because moving out and spending less time with the family is a natural symptom of being an adult, and because she likely knows there is nothing she can say about your race that will not make her sound like a huge racist. So she redirects her hurt and tries to make herself into a victim in another way –  “I’m not hurt because my son married a non-white woman who takes his focus away from me, I’m hurt because SHE doesn’t like me!”

My advice to just keep doing what you do and don’t get drawn into a drama about this. Just keep being polite and treating her as you hope to be treated. Her racist remarks suggests she’s not the kind of woman you want to bend over backwards to befriend, but if you do feel inclined to make an effort to increase the harmony of the family, you could make some overtures like making a point of calling her once a week just to say hi and see how she is, bring flowers or a cooked dish when you guys visit, give affectionate hugs and so on when you see her…

My mom is biracial and my dad’s family is super white. My dad’s mom made a huge deal and was unfriendly toward my mom when they first married… but my mom always said (my grandma is dead now so no one can check in on how she really felt) that as soon as she gave birth to my older brother, everything changed and my grandma suddenly accepted her into the family wholeheartedly.

I’m not saying that you should have a baby JUST to change your MIL, I’m just saying that sometimes these problems solve themselves in time.

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