My MIL and my husband have a TOXIC relationship…

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
29 posts

I’m sorry, but I think you need to let your husband and his mother deal with their own problems. You can give him support and advice if he asks for it, but “interventions” and sitting them down will not result in anything but screaming and insults, based on your descriptions.

I know that you want him to have a connection with his mother, but you cannot force him to have one, especially if their relationship is that bad.

Post # 3
2365 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

There is nothing you can do to fix their relationship. It’s not yours to fix. Seems like he’s got a solution in place already, that he’ll be moving far away in 2 years, which is probably the healthiest solution for him. So just keep on being supportive, and know the end is in sight.

Post # 4
4878 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

You said it yourself–you can’t make them get along.  You can tell yourdh how their relationship makes you feel, but that’s about it.

Post # 5
1072 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Honestly, if she is as toxic as she sounds, then you should really stop trying to force your husband to see her. To give you an example, I have a friend with emotionally abusive parents and she has had a couple of relationships with guys who just did NOT get that it was harmful to her emotional wellbeing to be around her family. They would nag her to ‘try again’ even when it was in her best interests to stay away. You sound a lot like those guys. Because they had a happy, supportive family growing up, they felt like it was ‘abnormal’ for her not to want to be around her abusive family. They just didn’t have the empathy or experience to realise that not all families are healthy, not all people are kind, and not all relationships need to be (or can be) fixed. By trying to ‘help’, they ended up causing her a lot of unnecessary pain.

Sometimes the best thing to do is just cut toxic people out of your life, family or not. Needless to say, my friend’s relationships with these guys did not last and their attitude towards her family was a big part of that. If you value your marriage, LISTEN to what your husband wants, stop trying to force him to have a relationship with someone who screams at him, insults him, and is probably not going to change. If this person was not his mother and behaved this way, would you be continuously hassling him to spend time with her all the time? No? Then start supporting his decisions and let him decide how much time he wants to give to someone so abusive.

It is cruel to subject someone to unwanted abuse because you want to pretend-play happy families.

Post # 8
20 posts

Laulu123:  Actually, I disagree with PP. If he’s her only son, that makes you her only daughter and she’s obviously very proud of you. Are you able to meet with her alone? I really would try to lay it all out for her as you have here, with the warning that you will be moving away again and you’re very conscious of making the most of your time together. She can’t change if she doesn’t see what she’s doing wrong. Tell her you feel uncomfortable being in the middle of all the button-pushing, and if you feel like ultimatums, maybe tell her that you can’t allow it to continue as it’s too hurtful for all 3 of you and that from now on once it starts, you and your DH will go home. It might take a time or two of upping and leaving, but she’ll get the message. Same warning for your DH, if he starts it’s time to go home.

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