Post # 1
I was after a bit of advice. I’ve had MIL issues for sometime now which i have posted about here before. My main issue at the moment is that i feel as though my MIL is not happy at all about my pregnancy.
When i first told my MIL that i was pregnant (my husband was overseas at the time and he asked me to tell her, that was his wish), she was not happy AT ALL infact it was as though she was in complete shock. She didn’t congratulate me for 2 days and after 2 days she told me, i was in shock earlier. (Not so shocking, we had been married for 7 months when i told her). Infact her look when i told her was pretty much “how dare you let my darling son impregnate you”
A few months later after an argument with my husband, she told him that “he better watch out as your son will have your fathers blood”, hubbies father is extremely sickly due to a horrible autoimmune condition, he was also violent. She was implying that my child would inherit the same traits. I was horrified as this is her first grandchild, who would curse an innocent child?
She has not offered to help me one bit with the baby, the only two things she has said to me is “I can’t bath your baby and i’m too scared to hold it, sorry”
Lastly, i am 7.5 months pregnant and we actually live in a developing country where medical facilities are quite poor, as a result we thought it best i spend the last trimester in neighbouring developed countries where my parents live as my child is measuring small and requires fortnightly scans. I have been here for 1 month and she has not text, call or even asked my husband about my wellbeing or the babies wellbeing, not once.
So what do i do about it? It’s really really upsetting and it’s upsetting both my husband and i. Anyone been in a similar situation? What did you do?
Post # 2
I can’t say that I’ve experienced this before, but you can’t change how someone else feels. Has she said why she’s not happy about this? I’d ignore or avoid her, which doesnt sound necessary since she’s doing that anyways, and just do what is best for you and the baby. It sucks, I’d let my husband deal with her, you dont need the stress.
Post # 3
cathiemaney: Sadly, stressing out about her lack of involvement, and plain and utter rudeness will only hurt YOU, and potentially your baby. Although it would be extremely difficult, I would worry less about what I can do to ‘fix’ the problem, and concentrate more on moving past the problem – as it stands now.
This is, and will be HER loss. I like to believe that in these very hard, and confusing circumstances, the person committing the wrong doing (your MIL) will wake up ONE day and realize she made a huge mistake. Will realize that she has missed out on precious moments with her first grandchild, and with you. And upon realizing this, will either try to fix the problem herself, if it is not too little too late. And, sadly, perhaps this day will never come, but at least you will have your family to support you, and the family you created. You do not need such toxicity in your life.
Good luck with the remainder of your pregnancy. Wishing you health and happiness!
Post # 4
cathiemaney: I’d try not to worry about it. She sounds like she has problems. I have no idea bout her, of course, but perhaps she was a bad mother so mothering is not in her nature? Maybe she is afraid to be considered a “grandma”. NOt everyone is a good person.
Post # 5
I know she’s your MIL, but in this case, for your own sanity it would be wiser for you to consider her just another woman who has serious personal issues. Your pregnancy did not make her act this way. If anything, I’m guessing she has not cut the apron strings from your DH and is blaming you for “taking” her precious boy away from her. The best thing for you to do is to STOP trying or expect your MIL to become this loving, caring, and involved person in your pregnancy. For whatever reasons, she has her issues with you and your marriage but don’t let her issues affect you.
I would focus 100% on the people who DO love and support your unconditionally. You’re about to bring a new life into this world so don’t let someone else’s misery and negativity affect your new upcoming family. MAYBE one day your MIL will have a change of heart and realize what a ignorant b*tch she’s being and come around. But I wouldn’t hold your breath.
Post # 6
Stop thinking about what she is or isn’t doing. And use that energy and concentrate on your baby’s wellbeing and your new family to be.
My MIL, though has no qualms about our baby, she is largely uninterested in our lives. She’s self-centered and only wants to interfere in other ppl’s lives as a way for herself to look important. If she helps out a lil bit, she must broadcast that to anyone who’s anyone. That sort of thing.
So best I do is let her behave and think however she wants. I have better things to worry or think about. Repeat this mantra to yourself DAILY.
Post # 7
cathiemaney: cut her off. you don’t need this toxicity in your life.
Post # 8
Your mother in law sounds like a peach. She obviously considers you to be genetically inferior since your dad has an autoimmune disease. I say you just write her off as a lost cause, and just nod your heads and change the subject whenever she starts talking.
Post # 9
cathiemaney: I have never been in this situation, but having a baby is a happy, amazing time!!! Your focus should be enjoying your pregnancy And thinking about how precious this will be for you and your husband. Instead, she is allowing you to feel guilty/sad/upset over her own issues. Try not to let her affect you too much (easier said than done, I’m sure), and enjoy this amazing time.
Post # 10
- Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island
I agree with PPs. Getting pregnant for the first time is so exciting, and it’s really hard when other people (especially family) don’t react with as much excitement as you feel. I went through something slightly similar with my MIL, although I do think she is happy. But she didn’t have the best reaction in the world. I think she was probably in shock too. Both my parents cried and my MIL had a great reaction to the engagement, so I just assumed she’d cry or be at least AS excited for a baby as she was for our wedding. But she was weird…I don’t know how to describe it. Both my parents also sent us cards in the mail and we didn’t get anything like that from MIL or FIL.
I guess the bottom line is everyone is different. You can’t control how other people respond. You can’t know for sure what they’re feeling. Maybe she’s scared for you. Maybe she had difficulty being a mother or raising children. Maybe she honestly never thought about her son having a child and it really has caught her completely off guard. You never know. Definitely don’t take it personally. It’s her problem. Try not to let it affect you. I know, easier said than done. But surround yourself with people who do love and support your pregnancy. Continue being excited because this is an amazing time in your life that you will only experience once (yeah you can have more children, but right now you’re pregnant with THIS child and that will never happen again). Good luck! Hopefully she comes around.
Post # 11
Is this her first grandchild? It could be that she wasn’t ready to be a grandparent. My dad’s reaction to learning I was pregnant was pretty dissapointing, but now he is the best grandpa in the world. Seriously, I was worried how he would be at first but my son absoultely loves him. The comment about not being able to bathe your child could be true. My grandma was deathly afraid to hold my son until he was a couple months old. She hadn’t held a newborn in a long time and didn’t want to do something that would hurt him. He’s 1.5 now, and even still she doesn’t like to hold him for extended periods. On another note, my FMIL never asked me how I was when I was pregnant. Apparenltly she thought I should be the one texting her telling her how all my appointments were going and so on.. without her asking.
Post # 12
- Wedding: October 2015 - Ruby Princess
I picked up on the fact that you said she was worried about the passing on of her ex’s (FI’s dad) genes, since you said he is sickly and can be violent. Could it just be that she has negative feelings about her ex and somehow that effecting this pregnancy. I’m not saying it’s justified at all, just a fear reaction. Anyway, that’s what I picked up on. Agree with PPs that she has her own set of problems and issues. I have a suspicion that when baby comes, her tune will change a bit. Babies have a way of smoothing out the rough spots sometimes.