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I need some help and I apologize if this is too long.  My maid of honor is my best friend and we have been friends for over 10 years.  I am getting married this September and as soon as I got engaged, I asked her to be my MOH.  She does live in a different state than I do, so I did not expect her to do much in the way of helping me plan the wedding, etc.  I did, however, expect her to at least be there for me, if I needed to vent, get an opinion on something, stuff like that.  I also expected that if the rest of my bridesmaids reached out to her for information, etc. that she would at least respond to them.  So far, she has done nothing.  She is never there for me, the only time I talk to her is to discuss the drama going on in her life (she's been separated for a year and her divorce is coming up in the next few months), and the drama isn't just about her divorce, it also includes new boyfriends every other week, going out and partying, friend drama, etc.  I have been there with her through everything that she has gone through and supported her as much as I  can.  So my cousin, who is a bridesmaid, emailed the MOH and asked her if she had plans to do any type of bridal shower.  Instead of responding and saying no, she just ignored the email.  My cousin has since taken up the task of the bridal shower.  My MOH used the excuse that she is out of state, but my cousin is actually further away from me than she is.  But, the point was that she could at least respond to the numerous emails that she got. 

Since then, the bridesmaids and I have been doing conference calls to keep in touch, make plans for the bachelorette party and shower, and just to make sure that I don't need anything.  Only 2 of 6 bridesmaids live in the same state that I do, so it is hard, but the out of state bridesmaids all want to help...they've offered to do so much, but my MOH has not offered to do anything.  She won't even call in on the conference calls.  Everyone calls but her, even my mom and my aunt are included.  I asked her specifically to at least make the effort to call in.  I even reminded her right before the designated time, but she ignored me and then apologized after the fact.

I don't know what else to do other than just drop her as a MOH or just do away with her all together.  I don't want her to turn me into a bridezilla.   She acknowledges the fact that she isn't there for me and that she is letting her problems get in the way of being there for me, but she doesn't do anything to fix it.  When she got married, I was her MOH and I did everything I could to help her.  We lived in different states then, too and I spent hours on the phone with her, searching the internet, talking her through things, etc.  I wasn't in a great place at the time, but my love for her was more important than my misery. 

Am I being too selfish?  Should I just drop it and accept the fact that she won't do anything at all?  Any suggestions?? 

Thanks, all.  :) 

Drop her for sure based on what you've posted. Find a girl to support you! You'll need the help for sure.

You asked if you were being too selfish?  Honestly from your post I cannot tell.  Your friend is certainly going through a rough time and depending on the status of her "break up" she may not want to be around a blushing bride very much.  After all, at one point she was in your shoes and look how it turned out.  It is possible that the "reverse situation" with you as the Bride and her as the MOH is a little too close to her own wedding and makes her uncomfortable.

IF you want to remain friends with her I would leave her as a MOH and basically tell your other maids she is going through too much personal drama to handle some of her responsibilities.  Additionally you are mention having lots of parties/showers etc.  It is possible she does not have the money to participate in these events, even if it means a simple financial contribution. 

 I have been the MOH  where the Bride acted like no matter what we did it was not enough; after spending over $1,000 on the dress, the presents and the "afternoon tea" shower she wanted she then wanted us to throw her two additional showers, one for work and one for and orgnaization she was in, as well as take her to a theme park for the weekend.  At that point I said, "Enough, I can not participate any more in this." She knew when she asked me to be MOH that I'd been seriously ill for more than 6 months and had spent thousands on meds beyond what my insurance copay covered.  I refused to go into debt and spend a year or more paying off credit cards so she could have numerous bridal showers at which all the same people attended.  I don't know if there is a similar situation going on here or not . . .  

Thanks for the advice, everyone.  I just found this board yesterday and you have no idea how therapeutic it has been for me to read and post with you all. 

One thing, I don't want her to contribute financially or anything like that, I just would like it if she would be there for me and to help the other BM's by giving ideas on things to do for the shower and bachelorette party.  All she has to do is respond to emails and call in to conference calls.  I'm even paying for her hotel room for two nights before the wedding and the day of the wedding, she will be staying with her sister. 

It's also hard because I have spent at least 3-5 hours a week for the past year listening to her talk about her problems (which mostly involved this guy she really liked who was still stuck on his ex girlfriend and used her, not even about her divorce) but I don't feel comfortable telling her things like I got my cake ordered or asking advice on shoes and stuff like that.  It's just the little things I want help with.  I want her to share in my day, not make it uncomfortable for me to talk about it. 

I'm going to try to talk to her tonight about it.  I don't want it to ruin our friendship, but if she can't be there to listen to me while I'm planning what is supposed to be the biggest day of my life, how can I expect her to be there when there are other life changes and events going on?  The friendship is entirely one-sided right now.  She talks...I listen.

Thanks everyone.  I did have a talk with her a few weeks ago and she said she would try, but she is not doing a very good job.  She had originally told me about a month or so ago that she would be getting here for the wedding the Thursday before.  So, with that news, I made some appointments and plans for us to do relaxing stuff, pedicures, massages, etc.  Plus, my bachelorette is that Thursday.  Now, she is telling me that she isn't coming until Friday and she doesn't even know what time she will be here so she may not even make the rehearsal.  She's just turned into such a flake.  I would actually be genuinely concerned that she would not even show up for the wedding.  She's done and said some other things, too, but I'm so drained, I can't even relive it because it makes me hurt. 

I'm just trying to decide if I should keep stressing about it or just ignore her.  Unfortunately, there is no easy or good way to fix this. 

Thanks everyone for the advice.  I did finally make a decision after my MOH told me that her problems are so bad that it makes it impossible for her to be happy for me.  Kind of a rough blow to take by someone that is supposed to be your best friend, but I accepted it.  I told her that I wanted her to be my MOH, that is why I asked her, but if she felt more comfortable being a bridesmaid, or just a guest, then I was ok with that, but I did want her to be a part of my day.  She told me it was probably best that she didn't come at all.  Fine.  If you don't want to be a part of the biggest and happiest day of my life, then you don't want to be a part of my life at all. 

So, I have asked my mom to step in as my MOH.  She was more than ecstatic.  She cried she was so happy.  Everything happens for a reason and I think that this is a blessing.  There is no one more perfect to be my MOH than my mother and when I look back in 20 or 30 years, I will know that it was the best decision that I ever could make. 

I think "deadbeat" is a little harsh!

I'm an out-of-town MOH for my best friend's september wedding. We've been two peas in a pod for 20 years. As you stated, she never really expected me to help out with too much since I'm over 300 miles away. What meant the most to both of us was that I'd be standing next to her on one of the biggest days of her life. (She will be my out-of-town MOH for my summer 2011 wedding!)

I guess the difference between your MOH and me is that I try to make a little effort to pitch in! We email a lot, and make late night phone calls to bounce around ideas. I have a ton of stuff going on in my life, but I always wait to share that info AFTER we've covered all her stuff!

But all in all, I feel like a crappy MOH. I don't know her friends and the other bridesmaids, so I have no part in planning the bridal shower or bachelorette party. I can't go with her to taste cakes, or try on dresses. But all in all, my best friend only needs me on the day-of, to take my rightful place next to her!

 I agree with many of the other posts on here - talk to her, be upfront and honest, and see where it goes from there. Sometimes people get so caught up in their own stuff that they don't realize what they're doing (or not doing in your case!). If you guys have been good friends for this long, you should have pretty open lines of communication. Let her know that these next few months are going to fly by and only happen once (well, depending on your situation!) and it's her call if she wants to participate. Good luck!