(Closed) My MOH is a deadbeat…what do I do?

posted 7 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
5978 posts
Bee Keeper

It sounds like she’s going through a really rough time right now. Getting divorced really isn’t easy in any sense, and though she’s creating more drama for herself by adding a new boyfriend every week, it just sounds like she’s doing what she can to get over her failed marriage.

I know it’s tough, but I would leave her in the wedding. Though she hasn’t been there for you, it sounds as if you have a lot of other very supportive bridesmaids. If you take her out of the wedding, you won’t be able to salvage the friendship. I would leave her in and just keep trying to include her in everything.

Good luck, and hope she starts to shape up.

Post # 4
Member
96 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Stella, you are not being selfish at all. Given everything you posted, I would definetly drop her as your MOH. Even she herself admitted she wasn’t there for you. I understand she has issues but this is your day and if she can’t set them aside then by all means , find someone who will.

Post # 5
Member
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Drop her for sure based on what you’ve posted. Find a girl to support you! You’ll need the help for sure.

Post # 6
Member
516 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

Try to talk to her. Try and sort it out (ONE ON ONE) and if it gets no where then definitely ask if she would rather just be a guest. But beware it may end your friendship. 

Post # 7
Member
1545 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

i wouldnt make her my MOH! i would ask her if she wanted to be in the wedding or not if she said yes than tell her ok  you can be a BM

Post # 8
Member
1732 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

It sounds like her life is getting the best of her.  I wouldn’t drop her though, especially since you have other help and support. 

Unless, of course, you want to end the friendship.  Breaking up with a bmaid usually means the end is near.

Post # 9
Member
218 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2006

You asked if you were being too selfish?  Honestly from your post I cannot tell.  Your friend is certainly going through a rough time and depending on the status of her “break up” she may not want to be around a blushing bride very much.  After all, at one point she was in your shoes and look how it turned out.  It is possible that the “reverse situation” with you as the Bride and her as the MOH is a little too close to her own wedding and makes her uncomfortable.

IF you want to remain friends with her I would leave her as a MOH and basically tell your other maids she is going through too much personal drama to handle some of her responsibilities.  Additionally you are mention having lots of parties/showers etc.  It is possible she does not have the money to participate in these events, even if it means a simple financial contribution. 

 I have been the MOH  where the Bride acted like no matter what we did it was not enough; after spending over $1,000 on the dress, the presents and the “afternoon tea” shower she wanted she then wanted us to throw her two additional showers, one for work and one for and orgnaization she was in, as well as take her to a theme park for the weekend.  At that point I said, “Enough, I can not participate any more in this.” She knew when she asked me to be MOH that I’d been seriously ill for more than 6 months and had spent thousands on meds beyond what my insurance copay covered.  I refused to go into debt and spend a year or more paying off credit cards so she could have numerous bridal showers at which all the same people attended.  I don’t know if there is a similar situation going on here or not . . .  

Post # 10
Member
2271 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

None of my BMs or MOH were of much help to me. It really pissed me off but I didn’t drop anybody, I just did everything myself. The up side is that when it was all over, I realized that I did an outstanding job creating the wedding of my dreams. The down side is that I have a long memory and I hope that none of my BMs or MOH asks me for help with wedding planning because I WILL be upfront and say no way and tell them exactly why.

Post # 11
Member
860 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

If you drop her, you could damage the friendship.  If you are so fed up with her that you’re not too concerned about the friendship and you think this is impacting your wedding, I would drop her.

Personally though I would let it go b/c it sounds like she’s having a rough time.  But different people have different expectations of their BMs.  I’m probably coming from a different perspective b/c I don’t expect anyone to do anything but show up to our wedding and walk down the aisle wearing a dress in the color I choose.

Post # 13
Member
95 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I’m starting to see that MOHs being uninvolved is becoming pretty common. Personally, I nixed my MOH in favor of my mom because she truly deserves the title and is always there for me. But, I won’t lie, because I took my MOH out of the wedding, we no longer have a relationship.I offered to give her a bridesmaid position, but she decliend. And, that was the end of it.

 

If you want to keep the relationship with her, I suggest talking to her calmly and explaining what you expect from an MOH and how you were there for her throughout her planning process. If she is unable to live up to that, tell her that you’ll be willing to still allow her to be a bridesmaid and just let one of the girls that are closer to home take over the MOH position.

 

Make it clear that you DO NOT want to hurt her feelings. But, because you’ll have these memories for your entire life, you want them to be special and not filled with someone else’s drama.

Post # 14
Member
101 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

she already knows that shes not helping and just being a burdon and she doesnt care enough to fix it. I would just drop her, not worth all the trouble. this is your wedding and you want to be happy planning it and attending it. 

Post # 15
Member
5978 posts
Bee Keeper

I think that CitySwoon said it best – sit down and just have a talk with her about it. She might not realize that she’s talk, talk, talking all the time about her problems and issues and not letting you get a word in edgewise for you wedding. Hopefully after that she’ll improve on the friendship, but I think talking first is a great first step.

Post # 16
Member
44 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2010

if it was me i dont think i would drop her for the simple fact that there would be too much drama associated with doing that. it sucks she has such a special title and isnt living up to it. she could be bitter about her impending divorce but still, its seems like the friendship is really one-sided even without all of the wedding plans.

be thankful you have BMs who do want to help and are going out of their way. enlist in them for help and support and drop her-emotionally. i learned the hard way that i only ask one person for their opinions, my FI. if you start asking too many people you get too many opinions that u dont want to hear or just confuse you. i could have saved myself alot of headache by saying “this is what i got for favors!” instead of “what do u think of these favors?” hope this helps! good luck! 

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