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You don't have to be nice. Be direct and just ask her. Tell her what your feelings are and why you are having them. Try not to be accusatory, just honest.
If all else fails, just "fire" her.
There is no way to make sure she isn't a bitch on your wedding day.
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It's a little late to fire her. My wedding is in less than 2 weeks, and she's my best friend and has been for many many years.
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I'm not sure what kind of best friend would be treating you like this. She needs to be called on the fact that she is acting like this. Maybe she doesn't realize it; maybe she realizes it but isn't realizing how it's affecting you; maybe she realizes it and is doing it on purpose. Regardless, it needs to be stopped, and you owe it to yourself to say something. I'll bet that if you act as the bigger person and bring up the issue openly and honestly, it will make you feel better. And it may also make it stop. But who knows - people do what they want, sometimes regardless of others.
good luck..... don't let her win. this is YOUR day, not hers. don't let her make it about her.
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I'm not sure why you are looking for a *nice* way to ask what her problem is, when she is obviously being quite rude to you (so much that other people comment on it). I would go ahead and let her know that you have had problems with her attitude for a while, but figured that it was temporary and she would be more enthusiastic and supportive. But now its gotten to the point that other people are noticing, and asking you what is going on, and so you really need for her to get in line. If there is some way you can help her to feel better about this, that's great, but otherwise all she really needs to know is that you won't listen to it anymore - if she doesn't have something supportive to say, she should just say nothing. Then you need to stand behind that - if she gets negative on the phone, just tell her you can't listen to any more of that, and hang up. If you're in the same room, either walk away or ask her to leave. I agree that it sounds like she is jealous, and trying to get some attention for herself, and maybe she thinks it sounds clever to make sarcastic comments and say nasty things about your FI. You just need to let her know that you're not going to put up with it anymore.
You don't say why she's your MOH. If she is actually your friend (and I can't see how, when she's so nasty to you) then you can let her know that you aren't sure your friendship is going to survive her behavior. But I kind of wonder why she is your MOH? If you seriously think that she's going to cause a problem on your wedding day, and she's behaving this badly now, I would consider letting her know that if she can't behave in a supportive manner, you don't want her to participate. You shouldn't have to listen to that kind of stuff at all, let alone on your wedding day. You can dismiss a member of your bridal party you know - there are lots of posts about it. It would cause some temporary drama, but it sounds like it would make things much more peaceful for you.
When I was my best friend's MOH, when I was helping her get ready (we were alone), I looked her right in the eye and asked her "Are you sure?" She looked back at me and said, "Yes." She divorced him after a very unhappy two years of marriage. We've talked about that moment and she said she wished she would have told me no. I guess her mother asked her the same question a little before I did. He was a great guy, just not a man she was in love with, and everyone saw it.
Now, I am NOT trying to defend the actions of your MOH, I would've told her off. I am also not saying your situation is anything like my friend's. There were better ways for your friend to communicate with you, she obviously chose to be nasty. I am sorry you don't have a more supportive friend.
Honesty is the best approach, but I don't think you need to ask her "what her problem is" because whatever the answer is, now is not the time to deal with that, especially if she says something crazy that you don't like. That can open up a whole other area of unnecessary stress, especially if it turns out that there's no resolution. You need to tell her that if she doesn't like your FI, that's fine, but that trying to convince you not to marry him, and making snide comments about everything every time you turn around, is not how you want to spend one of the happiest days of your life. Let her know that this isn't the time for all of her opinions and dislikes and annoyances - this is a time where she is supposed to be supporting you and participating in the celebration (without the attitude). Period.
I have been married for 6 weeks now, and still haven't spoke to my MOH since the wedding. She sniped and bitched almost throughout the whole planning process (nothing I did made her feel special enough compared to my other friends who were BM's). I sincerely regret having her as my MOH and literally feel like choking her every time I think about it. Not because of the things she said, but because of her incredibly inappropriate timing of when she decided to say them. Also, her sourpuss has shown up in pictures to the point where some people have asked me what her deal was? Those are not the kind of memories you want for your wedding day. It requires too much energy during an already stressful time, to deal with someone with an attitude, on top of the fact that it takes away your joy. Let your MOH know that you can't tolerate what she's doing right now, and hopefully she will care enough about you and is mature enough to handle that.
Wow. I hate to tell you this knudsonwedding, but you need some new friends. If this is how your best friend treats you, I don't want to see how the rest of your friends are acting. You most certainly can fire her two weeks before your wedding - better now then at the rehearsal, or the RD, when she makes a few cracks in front of your FI or his family and friends. And you absolutely can tell her that her behavior is unacceptable. She's not acting like any kind of friend - your post sounds like one of the psycho FSIL stories. And seriously, how long can you continue to be friends with someone who talks that way about your husband, and about you? If she is your friend, she needs to shape up. If she doesn't shape up, she's not your friend. It actually doesn't sound to me like she's been acting all that friendly since about the time you got engaged - which is almost 2 years ago, according to your profile.
Maybe she's afraid of how your relationship will change when you're married, but it almost sounds like she's doing everything she can to make sure can't be friends anymore. Unfortunately you probably can't spend a bunch of time babysitting her feelings right now - and doing that would probably make the problem worse, since part of her agenda seems to be that she wants to be the center of attention. I know it's hard to have a friend act this way, and she might get really mad if you tell her off or fire her, but you should think hard about whether a friend who treats you this way is really worth having.
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I don't understand what is it about some relationships that turn happiness into jelousy....
is she single? Married? is her wedding coming up? was it smaller than yours? All these stupid question shouldn't matter but for some people they do....
I'm with whoever said..."fire her"...I know is easier said than done...such bad timing!
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V: She is married (3 years in June) and her wedding was much bigger than mine (about 300 people). I was her MOH and was nothing but supportive. I helped her with everything from invitations to planting 300 seedling plants for favors and even sewed 30 tablecloths 3 days before the wedding. I payed $300 for my bridesmaid dress that I didn't see until I picked it up. She was the biggest bridezilla out there.
Whenever I say anything to her, she says that I am being such a bridezilla, and I'm so unreasonable, and I'm so rude.
Suzanno: It didn't start out like this. My FI noticed that she kept trying to "outdo" me after we got engaged. It got worse in the last year or so when she started saying that my FI thought he was "better" than them, and he "looked down" on them. Then as the wedding planning continued, she started saying that she didn't like my "vision" and that I should let her plan the wedding, and that she could do a better job. As the time has passed, rather than getting better, it has only gotten worse.
Now, I just don't know what to do. We're having a destination wedding in the Bahamas, and she is leaving on Thursday, so I can't exactly "fire" her now, but I really would like to say something to her...but I think it might just cause more problems.
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Oh, I see how firing her is technically out of the question... unfortunately, it seems that married life has warped her personality....it happened with one of my friends...after she got married suddenly she had the best ideas, she was the more mature one, she was number one...because she was now married an "knew" better...maybe that is the case with your friend...she thinks she knows better and you and your FH know "nothing" and how dare you ignore the things she says...and dare you believe you could be better than her and her husband...
like I said...warped!
Good luck, if you wanna have a good time you will have to ignore her...you can still demote her or have your mom do it for you...is not pleasant but it could still be done...*hugs*
Oh, Knudsenwedding, I'm so sorry! Your MOH sounds mentally ill, if you want the brutal truth. I had a much much less extreme version of this happen to me, with one of my best friends inexplicably acting really inappropriately. SHe was going to be a BM but now is not invited, and I haven't spoken to her since I told her I was engaged.
I was lucky that my falling out happened before wedding planning even really got started, and it sucks that you're only 2 weeks out, but I strenuously second (or third??) the other Bees' opinions that you DO NOT have to keep her in the wedding. Her behavior is absolutely unacceptable. She IS NOT behaving like a friend. You don't have to forbid her to go to the Bahamas, but you don't have to allow her at the wedding. Please try not to feel guilty about this--you have been a good friend to her, when you were her MOH, and she is slandering you (the bridezilla comments) and trying to create dissention between you and your FI--not acceptable at all. You have every right to surround yourself with people who love and support you, and your MOH is one of the most important people on your wedding day!
Think about it this way: which would you regret more, allowing her to remain in the wedding and probably ruin the day, or firing someone who has proven not to be a true friend? It may end the friendship, but if so it would be HER doing, not yours.
The best of luck to you, please keep us posted on how this turns out!
Firing her would be sooo bad, especially since you have revealed that it is a destination wedding, and she is leaving this week. Unless you are ready to end the friendship forever....then by all means, fire away!Otherwise, before she puts ass to seat on any plane, call her and let her know to keep her mouth shut for the ENTIRE weekend. No negative comments accepted please. And remind her of the kind of MOH you were for her......
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I haven't had any sort of negativity from my bridesmaids, but I did send them a little packet with my expectations. I included a paragraph about how I want them to "stand up" for our marriage, not just on our wedding day. I said I want them to keep our future marriage issues private if I come to them for advice, and to forgive my future husband when I forgive him, and to encourage us when we have trouble. The last thing I want is to have my friends discourage my marriage, so I'm very sorry that's happening to you. Maybe you could tell your MOH what your expectations are, and that one of them is to be supportive of you!
I had my ex-MOH do the same thing!!! She kept competing with me (she got engaged soon after me to a person she knew for a month. I seriously think it was just because I got engaged) and it just spiraled out of control. There were also ridiculously nasty comments, so I feel for you! It sucks that you can't kick her out (that's what I did), but at this point, I think you need to grin and bear it. I think it's just too close to the wedding to confront her if you are leaving Thursday. What I would do is confront her after the wedding and tell her you didn't appreciate her behavior in the process. See what she has to say, maybe it will go better than it did for me. Good luck!!!
My guess is that your friend may feel "threatened" by your FH and the fact that you're marrying him. Marriage often changes the dynamic of friendships -- particularly those between the married person and their non-married/commited friends. As the wedding gets closer, she may be thinking more and more that she's going to "lose" you, and that she's becoming less important to you. As her best friend, you know her best, so you know whether she's prone to act petty or immature when things don't go her way. Deep down, she may be happy for you, but on the surface, she may be totally sad for herself, and she's letting it make her behave very badly.
Then again, she could just be a bad friend -- the kind of person who is petty and jealous and who is catty to people. Maybe she likes being the center of attention, and she resents that you're getting all the glory because she's not the bride.
My advice would be to have a heart to heart with her. I would say "Friend, I've noticed lately that you've seemed less than enthused about my upcoming wedding -- sometimes to the point of being rather snarky and mean. This is really stressful and hurtful for me because, as my best friend, I love you dearly and I need your support and friendship now more than ever. I'm not really sure where the negativity is coming from, and my guess is that you don't really mean it and maybe don't even quite realize you're doing it. I really don't want to lose you as my best friend, but given the way things have been going recently, I'm not sure how our friendship can survive if this continues. I'd like to get this worked out, and I'd like to figure out what's bothering you so much, because I really want you up there with me celebrating my marriage to FH, and I want us to continue to be close and supportive of one another even after the wedding is over. Is there anything that's been on your mind that we should talk through?"
Keep the conversation less focused on pointing fingers at her and accusing her of being a bad friend or a rotten person. Obviously, you'll need to point out the things she's done wrong, even in a general way, but you can do it in a way that makes her feel less defensive. Try to frame it in terms of you (i.e. "I feel hurt when you make negative comments about my FH because I feel very confident about my decision to marry him, and I'm not quite sure why you now feel differently" as opposed to "you keep saying nasty things about my FH, and it's pissing me off"). Make a sincere effort towards hearing her out and acknowledging her concerns and fears. It doesn't mean you have to agree, but if you want to save the friendship you should listen and try to empathize. A little validation goes a long way too.
If she still reacts poorly even after your heart to heart, I'd seriously consider removing her from the bridal party -- even if it's done the night before (at that point, you can either keep her in because it's "awkward" to ask her to step down, and have her ruin your day. Or eject her from the bridal party, and at least have some peace on your wedding day). You don't have to be mean or catty about it. Just tell her that given her behavior following your talk, it's clear that she's not comfortable supporting your marriage to your FH. As a result, you think it would be easier on both of you if she steps down as MOH (you can even tell her that one of the MOH's key duties is supporting the bride and groom and helping to ensure a stressfree and happy wedding day, and that is seems as if she does not feel capable of doing this for you). If you feel comfortable doing so, you can tell her that you'd love to still have her at the wedding, if she chooses. Although, I'd also tell her that, as your friend, you would really appreciate it if she would keep her negative thoughts and comments to herself for the day so as not to upset any of your other friends or family.
Depending on how everything goes, after the wedding you may need to reevaluate whether this is someone you really want in your life -- particularly as your best friend. Sometimes, people outgrow each other, and sometimes friendships just no longer work. If she can't be happy for you, or at least "play nice" for one (very important) day, is that really someone you want to stay friends with? I sure wouldn't. There are lots of nice, supportive people out there who I'm sure would love to be a better friend to you than she is being.
Since your wedding is so close and you don't want to start tension now or be upset for your big day I would say something realy brief to her like "I've been sensing some negativity from you regarding the wedding and my FI- Did he or I do something to you that upset you?" or to be more direct "you've been acting mean lately and I want to have all my friends there to support me, especialy you"
I would have the longer, more tension filled confrontation after the wedding. Her behavior is out of line- at first when I read the post quickly I though your mom was frustrating you- but from what you have said you MOH is stepping way over the boundaries of friendship. She can tell you how she feels (but at your bachelorette party?? she has had some serious lapses of judgment).
I vote for you to fire her, it's not as if she doens't know what she is doing - it's happening too often for her not to know. I woulnd't even give her a chance just say "Look, I'm sorry but you've obviously got something against this wedding, and thats not the kind of person I want in my wedding"
You've paid for everything, so she's not out any money...just boot her.
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Well, I see how after she's bought her plane ticket it's much harder than if you were getting married locally. I think you need to have a serious talk with her and let her know this really can't continue. Or maybe you can write her a long letter that she can read on the plane, and have the talk after you both get there. She may not realize how she is coming across - or she may be one of those people who is so unhappy with her own situation that she just wants you to be unhappy too. Still, comparing your FI to a serial killer is clearly not appropriate. You can certainly tell her that things have gotten so bad that if they can't change quickly you would prefer her to just be there as a guest. That way she doesn't waste the plane ticket, at least. Honestly I can't see how you are going to remain friends with her anyway, if her behavior doesn't change.
You say that your mom has said something about this. I wonder how the rest of your BMs feel? Possibly you can ask them to help out - to let her know they also feel she's behaving badly, and to even have them simply take her by the arm and walk her to the ladies room for a little talk if/when she says something inappropriate. Peer pressure is a wonderful thing - and if it's just you telling her she's out of line, then maybe she can justify her behavior to herself somehow, but if its the whole group of girls that gets a lot harder.
I keep coming back to this post...is just so upsetting...I've read about MOHs who think they can do whatever they want...I'm currently my best friend's MOH and luckily I'm not a psycho...not the bad kind anyway! :p
I support ANYTHING she wants to do is her day and I'm there to support her...even I thought she was making a mistake (which she isn't, guy is great) I would hope to be there to pick up the pieces NOT to smash her hopes a dreams before her big day!
I know is a destination wedding and your "deadline" is thursday but if this is driving you nuts this is only going to intensify on the wedding day...is she being mean? is she gonna show up? is she gonna get drunk and insult people?...I mean you don't want that...so have a small talk and set things a bit straight BEFORE she goes anywhere...hopefully she can get a refund or switch her tickets for something else.
Sorry, but truly if my bf had turn into a B*tch because I'm getting married she would be out of the honor position in a second...
wow that's so crazy! i would be upfront with her b/c those are really horrible things she's saying to you and you don't need that negative energy at all, honestly you don't want to have regrets and this is something that will bother you all the time. it isn't too late to let her know that you don't want her as you MOH. things happen n you shouldn't let other people's hang ups get in your way. it's your day and she should think of you and your fiance day not about her issues.
Suzanno, my other bridesmaids and friends have been wonderful.
I agree that I should fire her, but I really don't feel comfortable doing that at this point, so my only option as I see it is writing her a letter, or talking to her about it. I just wish I didn't have to.
If I don't do something about it, I would be worried about her being negative all day when we're getting ready, and also possibly saying something innapropriate during the speeches...in which case I'm not sure I could forgive her.
I really think that she is not a bad person, but something is obviously bothering her. I just wish I knew what it was. My mother thinks that maybe she is having problems with HER marriage, but she doesn't really say anything about it. To be honest, since I got engaged, she has been kind of distant, and we really don't see each other as much. I will admit that I have been very busy with various things (father's estate, moving twice, buying a house, renovations), and I haven't been initiating plans as often, but I always say yes when she wants to hang out.
This is just so upsetting to me because she has been such a good friend up til now, and we were attached at the hip until she got married.
Thanks so much for all your support girls. I really appreciate the advice.
This is not something you should have to deal with right now. I think you should wait until she makes another aggravating comment and just look her in the face and say "STOP." Just tell her in the most serious tone you can, "Please stop saying things like that. I can't deal with whatever issues you may be having right now. Just stop." At this point where it's so close to your wedding, who cares what she is going through. She is acting like this probably because she wants it to be about her. Don't let her win. Tell her to deal with whatever issues she has quietly and it can be about her after the wedding. Right now, it needs to be about you.
Oh, knudson.... Girlie, you and I are in the SAME BOAT.
My MOH & I have been "bff's" for 11 years now and she's shown her true, true colors with my wedding... I've got a horror storIES of all my own, too (and some of your examples sound just like mine). I feel your pain because at the end of the day, while you're trying to focus on all that's absolutely wonderful with your day, you'll always have that crap that she's pulling in the back of your mind - no bride should have to have a bitchy, self-serving diva in her bridal party at all, let alone be her MOH.
This is how I'm dealing with it -
1.) Once you read my #2 this will make more reasoning, but I've set a "Trip-Wire Level" - my draw the line. I've already told her that she's really let me down and I can see through her BS stories/excuses like glass (of course she could take no fault and it was allllllllllll aaaaabbbbbbooout her). But if she crosses the line - for me, it's if she dares to utter the words again that I'm "Lucky she can even come" (her billionaire boss is throwing her annual Memorial Day BBQ with all her society friends and my MOH is having to miss it this year b/c of my wedding, so she can't hob-nob with the seriously rich and some famous) - I'm kicking her out of the wedding. And I don't care if it's the day of. In regards to the wedding events (rehearsals, etc), I've told her when to be there and I don't expect anything from her - the less she's involved, the less she can f up.
2.) After the wedding, my MOH is written off. Seriously. It sucks, but if she can't be there for you on one of the biggest days of your life, then F her.
....and side note: HOW did I just find this board today?!?!? This place is GREAT!! :D
I agree with Cissy's #1 and most of the PP's
Just tell her she needs to STOP. Period. My mother (believe me I know weird) was getting totally annoying and pissing me off right before the wedding and two days before, I just told her to SHUT her mouth and STOP with the s*** comments because I was going to be going through it and that was it. If she had a problem with it, then she could come to the wedding and be there for me, or she could stay home. Either way, I would be going through with it. She didn't have to be there. She didn't have a say.
You just have to do it. Don't let her take over the conversation. Don't let her make excuses. Don't let it be about her. Just say your piece and leave it at that.
Good luck!
I know that the last thing you want right at this moment is more unpleasantness. But I think you would be surprised at how she would react if you just get kick-ass about it, and tell her where to get off. That her options are to stop with the negative comments and be supportive, and there will be no more talking about it. A lot of people will go just as far as you let them - and you have really let her go too far - but often people are so surprised at being slapped upside the head and told to straighten up that they actually do. The one thing that you can be sure of, I would think, is that if you do nothing, the situation won't change, and may get worse. By letting her continue this way, you are sending a message that it's acceptable in some weird way. Have you ever seen The Dog Whisperer? You don't have to be aggressive, just dominant. Really dominant.
And seriously, where is this going to go? She acts the same way, says something that insults your FI and/or his family, you're even more upset, and on your wedding day. I'm not quite sure how you're planning on remaining friends with her now - are you expecting her just to mysteriously change and really love your FI once he is your husband? Maybe there is something going on in her life - it does not justify her behavior, and it does not mean you have to accept it or put up with it. I think you will actually feel a lot better having stood up for yourself, regardless of the outcome.
Well like everyone else said you're at the point of no return, but you have other BM's to help you out! Tell them the situation and have them be a buffer for you. I would wait until after the wedding to confront her because you don't want Sh*t to hit the fan either hours before the wedding. Seeing as how your friend isn't the same friend prior to your engagement it will more than likely get awkward! Utilize the other BM's and have them confront her about her attitude if it gets out of hand. They'll stick up for you!
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My MOH is driving me crazy. Since my FI and I got engaged, she has been acting a little strange. It seems like she thinks that everything is a competition. If we say we are doing something, she says she is doing something bigger, or better.
She has also been very negative about my relationship with my FI recently. At my bachelorette she told me that she had a "bad feeling" about my FI and thought he was the kind of guy that would "cut me up and put me in the freezer" (He is absolutely not, and everyone else loves him, and is completely happy about our upcoming marriage). She spent the whole night trying to convince me that I shouldn't marry him. FUN!
I had a girls night at my house with my bridesmaids and mom and she showed up 2 hrs late then she spent the entire evening bashing me, and my wedding plans, and saying that I was a "Bridezilla" and was "making" them do their hair a certain way etc. (All the bridesmaids picked their own dresses, and I had them custom made and payed for them, and I've told them they can wear their hair however they like, but said that I was thinking beachy curls. I am also paying for their hair.)
She was rude to the point that my mother called the next day and asked me what her problem was and why she was acting like such a B***H. My mother says that she is obviously jealous of something, etc.
She has been the cause of most of my wedding stress, and now she just emailed to tell me that she can't help decorate the hall for our AHR until 4pm because she has to work, and that's only if she doesn't get her hair done or anything (the reception starts at 6pm on a Saturday, and she's known about it for 8 months).
I am kind of angry about the whole situation, and my biggest worry is that she's going to spend the 30 minute trip to the ceremony trying to convince me not to marry my FI.
Is there a nice way of asking her what the heck her problem is? and how do I make sure she doesn't act like a B**CH on my wedding day?