(Closed) My MoH is pregnant!

posted 8 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
4385 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

whoah! you said this is unfair to you? i’m sorry but that comes off a bit bridezilla to me. just because she’s in your wedding doesn’t mean she should put her life on hold!!

i wouldn’t ask her to step down or drop out. if she is unable to come to the wedding, someone else can fill in!

Post # 4
Member
1765 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Yeah, I have to agree. You sound a little less than thrilled–why not ask her about how she feels about it, and to keep you updated in the next few months as she gets closer?

If you ask her to step down, guaranteed your friendship is going to suffer a LOT.

Post # 5
Member
1371 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I just went to a wedding this summer where the MOH was pregnant.  It was funny because when they went to look at dresses she was just under 3 months and hadn’t told anyone yet.  She was like “I think I should look at maternity dresses, just in case I am pregnant at that point” and they were like “uhhh, the wedding is 5 months away, and you want to get a dress based on the fact you MIGHT get pregnant somewhere in there?”  Little did they know!

I understand your concern with your MOH driving across the country, but I don’t understand what you are worried about with it being unfair to you.  Does focusing on you as the bride mean she has to put her life on hold and not have a baby?  Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I really don’t understand why you would think it is unfair to you.  If you are worried about her time and ability to take care of things, you can always ask the other bridesmaids to help her (and seeing as she lives so far away I don’t know how much stuff she would have been doing anyway).

I’ve seen pregnant people in the wedding party before.  If she is supposed to be your MOH obviously she is an extremely close friend, wouldn’t she be making the drive to come to your wedding regardless of if she is in the party or not?  I think the important thing is that between the two of you, you figure it out.  Talk to her about your concerns and see what she has to say in return.  If she is worried about her duties and travelling, maybe she will be relieved not to have to be in the wedding party.  I think it’s hard for other people to make this call when they are not privy to your full friend relationship.

Good luck and I hope it all works out!

Post # 6
Member
4466 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I have to agree with above posters.  You were in her wedding TWO YEARS ago, which means her life has changed considerably since then.  Personally, post-wedding, I’m going to avoid being pregnant for my only sister’s wedding, but besides that, I won’t be planning my family around anyone else’s wedding.

I understand you’re disappointed, but I wouldn’t ask her to step down.  Talk to her and ask her if she’s going to be able to handle MOH duties.  If she admits she can’t, ask her if she wouldn’t mind someone else taking that kind of stuff over.  Or you could just keep her as MOH and have a couple other girls step up in helping a little more.

Her due date is month after your wedding.  That’s a long time.  However, if she can’t make it, she can’t make it.  Your bridal party will maybe be uneven but it won’t be the end of the world.

Post # 7
Member
937 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I agree with the other bees. If she can make a solid commitment to you to be there for the wedding than she sounds very deserving to still be your MOH. If she expresses some concerns about being able to make it, then you should consider other options.

Post # 8
Member
2066 posts
Buzzing bee

If she is due 25 days after your wedding, then she won’t be able to travel to come to your wedding.  (Most OB/GYNs don’t want you to travel a month before the wedding – even by car, in the event the baby comes early). 

We’ve all seen pregnant women in weddings, but they usually aren’t in their final month of pregnancy.  I’ve never had a baby, but my friends with children tell me the last month is the hardest.  Apparently you are super tired and super uncomfortable.  

I think you should have a frank discussion with her and explain she is clearly one of your best friends and you want her to be a part of your wedding, but you are concerned that she might not be able to make it and that even if she was able to make it, it might be really uncomfortable for her to be an active part in your wedding.  See what she is thinking.  Also ask if she’s talked to her doctor to see if she can travel then.

Good luck!

Post # 9
Member
2434 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

Well, I had a dear college friend start trying for her second child exactly 9 months before my wedding.  Shocker- she got pregnant and she and her family couldn’t come to my wedding.  They did try to pull the- maybe we’ll come if the baby is early or late, so save spots for all of us.  Like I was going to pay for 4 of them and reserve space at our destination wedding location when they probably wouldn’t be able to come!  It turns out that I was right to tell them just to decline the invite because she went into labor at the exact time my ceremony started!  The baby was born the day after my wedding.

I was a little miffed because I was looking forward to having all my college friends together in one place for the first time in years.  I thought to myself- if seeing all of your dear friends was really important to you, you could have waited a couple of weeks.

I’m currently 7 months pregnant.  I have a dear friend who is getting married at the end of October.  I offered to do her flowers for her and she accepted.  When my husband and I made our plans to start trying to conceive, I most definitely accounted for the promise I had made to her.  When she pushed her date back by a month, we held off trying an additional month so that I wouldn’t be too pregnant to fly to her wedding (which is VERY lucky because I did get pregnant that first month trying and would have been unable to fly from Boston to LA for her wedding).  I made a promise to her and I intended to keep it- she’s my dear friend, I love her, and she’s worth it.

It would be bridezilla-ish to control the procreation of the people involved in your wedding.  But it is also inconsiderate to make a promise to a friend and then fail to keep it (assuming her pregnancy was planned).  I understand why you’re hurt.  I would be hurt too if I was in your position.  (Like you, I wouldn’t share those feelings with the expectant mother, but I would vent here on Weddingbee!)

If I were in your position, I would do the following:

Tell her you’re happy for her and her husband.  Tell her that her title of MOH is still in place, even if it turns out that she can’t make it to the wedding or can’t do all the stuff that comes with the title.  Tell her that you’ll understand if she’s not up for traveling when the time comes.  Tell her that you’ve asked So and So to step up as co-MOH since you know she’s not going to be able to do it all. 

Then just be prepared for there to be an open slot in your wedding.  It’s not the end of the world.  If you really are stuck on not having a ‘hole’ perhaps choose a junior BM who could step in or add another BM?  Uneven wedding parties are really common.  Remind yourself that your bridal party is supposed to be the men and women closest to you and your FI- not just fixtures and props for the pictures. 

When you look back at the photos, you won’t be thinking, “If only there was a warm body in a BM dress standing to my right!”  you’ll be thinking, “My husband and I are so lucky to have these men and women in our lives!”

Post # 10
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

can you have two MOHs? So if she can’t make it you still have a MOH but you don’t have to ask her to step down??

Post # 11
Member
33 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I understand that it’s difficult to have a MoH that is deeply involved in her own life (understandably so, as you said… I mean, she IS having a baby), I felt the same way when one of my closest friends, who also happened to be a bridesmaid for my future wedding, got engaged and began planning her own wedding which was only a few months after mine. Different than having a baby, I know, but your situation reminded me of how I felt at the time. So I get how you’re feeling… don’t make others make you feel like a bridezilla, because you’re not… you’re human. This is your day, and while you understand that people have other stuff going on, you still want to have the focus on you… selfish? a little bit, but it’s normal. I’m sure many people with pregant/engaged or otherwise bridesmaids and MoH have felt the same way… but most won’t admit to it.

However, I do think it’s a little extreme to ask her to step down, even if you think she will be understanding (based on what the other BM told you). While, yes, you want her to be able to focus on the stuff a MoH does, she obviously can’t… but if you wanted her as your MoH before she got pregnant, you should stand by that now. Instead of putting all of the MoH responsibilites on her, talk to your other bridesmaids and explain the situation and that you will need them to take on a greater amount of responsibility than they would normally have as a BM.

I think your main concern should be for your friend, be happy that she’s having a baby and be grateful that she’s still willing to be a part of your wedding and include her in it… in the position of MoH if she still wants it. If she thinks she’s too busy preparing for the baby, then keep her as a BM, but this should be her decision. I don’t think you should spend your time worrying about having a “hole” in the wedding.

Basically, I think you need to have a talk with her and your other BM’s and decide what will work for you. If she is fine with taking the job of MoH, don’t worry about her being able to take all of the responsibility, spread it out and be happy that one of your closest friends will be right next to you on the most important day of your life.

 

Post # 12
Member
1883 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

If she can’t come-she can’t come. I wouldn’t do anything unless she brings it up. I can’t imagine she can be that hands on as a MOH anyway as she lives across the country. just keep her as the MOH but ask the other girls to step it up a notch.

Post # 13
Member
173 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I, too, agree with the other posters. I am expecting my MOH (my sister) to be pregnant with my 2nd niece or nephew by the time my wedding comes around. I even took it into consideration when I was dress shopping for the girls.  As long, as she isn’t having the baby on the dance floor. I am thrilled to be an auntie again.

Post # 14
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

@rosychicklet – it is really nice of you to hold off on trying to have a baby for your friend, but not everyone conceives so easily so I don’t think it is reasonable to expect people in general to plan when to have a baby around anyone else’s wedding.  Among my group of friends it has taken 3 – 10 months to get pregnant, so I think when a couple is ready to start trying, they generally can’t overplan when it will happen…

Post # 15
Member
7054 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

A friend is a friend pregnant or not.

I agree w/Rosy btw.

I’ve been a preggo bm before and my friends just were ok with it.

If she is available to come wonderful.  If not, then she will probably be sad missing your big day.

You both have incredible joy to celebrate and you should be  excited for her and the new baby too just as she’s probably excited for you and your wedding!

Keep your friends close.  They are a blessing. 

Post # 16
Member
4385 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

there is a good possibility that my sister will be pregnant for my wedding (she is right now and they plan on 2 more!), i know that she will be considerate because she is my sister and would not miss my wedding for the world!

my point is that sh$t happens, sometimes people get pregnant without actively trying, and some people have difficulties getting pregnant, so expecting them to hold off is just not right.

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