My MOH isn't having me in her wedding

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1259 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@ffterwifey:  I think you should be open and honest with her about how you feel. Tell her that you feel very hurt that she is not having you in her wedding party. Explain that her asking you to do her makeup and play piano is kind of a slap in the face. Hopefully once she hears your concerns, you two can work through things. Good luck.

Post # 4
1372 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@ffterwifey:  Honestly? I understand why you’re hurt. I’m picturing one of my bridesmaids who is kind of like your friend is to you (friends for a long time, haven’t been super close after high school but kept in touch pretty good lately and she’s moving back soon yaya!) 

If she were to get married and ask me to play the frickin piano, I’d be kinda upset too. I’m sorry that this is playing out like this 🙁

I don’t really know what to say advice wise except that you gotta choose… Do you want to get over the hurt and play a role? Or not bother? It kin of depends on where you want to go from here.

Again, I’m sorry this sucks. Like you said, not a lot you can do but it still kinda blows 🙁

Post # 5
2364 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

@ffterwifey:  Your feelings are completely justified!  If I were you, I would have an honest conversation about how you feel.  Although, post that convo, if she asked you would you accept or feel like she was doing it out of obligation? 

On the bright side, being in a wedding can be expensive so maybe it’s a blessing in disguise!! Laughing

Post # 6
2915 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas

It sounds as if she just has a lot of friends, and you perhaps don’t. I don’t mean that to be snarky, btw. I would agree to her requests, playing the piano for them seems like a very thoughtful gesture on both of your parts – she obviously has respect for your talent.

Promises made in elementary school can’t always come true.

Post # 7
430 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

This may be the unpopular opinion, but if you feel that “Lauren” and yourself are good enough friends for you to be in her wedding party, then I think you should do the make-up and play piano. As a friend, I would want to support my friend at her wedding. If the way that she wants your support is with make-up and your skills with a piano (you must be good if she wants you to do it!), then I think that’s how you should show your support.

It sucks that she lied to you and told you she was keeping the wedding party to family, and then asked your mutual friends to be in the bridal party. It wasn’t a nice thing to do. However, if you want to be friends with her despite this (people do nasty things sometimes and don’t even think about the consequences), I think you should let it slide. She clearly still wants you in the wedding, as a pianist is a big job. It’s not like she’s asking you to be a server or man the guestbook. She wants you to be part of the ceremony by providing beautiful music. I’d support her.

Post # 8
3664 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I would be hurt too. Especially since the two things she’s asked you to do are both things that you typically have to hire people/pay money for. She wants you to work her wedding (I’m assuming for free) after she lied to you about her bridal party.

Post # 9
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I understand it hurts to not be included. As you said it’s her wedding and she can pick her bridesmaids as she wants.  But it still stinks.

Talk to her about it if it upsets you.  You don’t know why the other 2 were invited after she said it was only 3.  Mayber her finace wanted extra groomsmen and she invited them after your talk.  Maybe she didn’t want to put additional stress (and financial burden) on you of being in a wedding party with all you’re going through. Maybe she really wanted you to play the piano on her special day?

Still stinks.  Hugs.

Post # 11
76 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@ffterwifey:  Maybe your friend knew all along she wanted only you to do her makeup and play piano? Maybe she thought if she asked you to do that and be a BM it would be too much for you? I say this bc I have a girlfriend I’m close to and love dearly but did not ask to be in my wedding. I know I’m going to need a right hand woman who isn’t in the bridal party to help me out that day, kind of like a DOC (picking up anything I forgot, getting food or drinks, etc). I let her know I love her dearly and wanted  someone I trust to be there for me on that day, and I knew my BM’s would be busy getting ready. I plan on getting her a special little gift to thank her for her help. Or maybe your friend didn’t want to put the financial strain of being a BM on you? Either way if it is bothering you that much have a heart to heart talk with her. 

Post # 12
811 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I can see why you are hurt….I would be too. 

Anyway, talking to her directly is the best way to express your hurt if you need to.  Wait until you can be less emotional, meet for coffee and just tell her  “something is bothering me and I’m a little uncomfortable to bring it up”.  Tell her you feel hurt that she didn’t ask you to be a bridesmaid. You had hoped to be included, and just wanted to let her know how you felt.  Then tell her you are still so happy for her, etc.  I wouldnt’ bring up her choosing others, etc. You could always wait until after the wedding craziness to tell her.

Other option is to not tell her, and just re-set your expectations for the friendship.  Its ok to say no to her piano/makeup offers too. 


Post # 13
851 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Being excluded is never a good feeling….. I was excluded from a bridal party and I was very hurt at first. Then I explained the situation to a few people and they told me to consider it a blessing. Looking back, it was the best thing that happened to me in terms of the wedding…..

You do not have to deal with all the stress/aggravation/cost of being a bridesmaid. You are free to attend the wedding as a guest and have a good time without all the bridal party drama (my belief is that there is always some sort of drama within a bridal party)……..

As for being the make up artist—- consider it as a way to make money and to put your creative twist on things…. or have her make up be your wedding gift you her (are you doing just her make up or everyone in the bridal party)

As for the piano….. I would probably pass on this part…… that is what the band/dj are for……

Post # 14
1666 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@ffterwifey:  When you talk to her, don’t accuse her of anything. Use “I” statements like “I feel” or “It makes me feel.” It helps to keep her from feeling blamed or pressured. Simply explain that you are feeling a bit hurt over her decision and then see what she says. She could have a good reason for making the decision she did or maybe she was just worried about hurting people’s feelings. . . or maybe her FI had more people on his side and she didn’t want uneven sides or something.

I think she asked you to do the piano and make-up because she honestly does want to include you in such an important event in her life somehow. If it will hurt too much to do the make-up then maybe you could just agree to do the piano playing. That way you are still involved and helping her out.

Post # 15
108 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@ffterwifey:  Ouch! Hopefully talking with her can bring you some comfort. I know that’s gotta hurt.

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