Post # 1
- Wedding: September 2013 - Lake Anna Winery
first, if you don’t have anything nice to say then please move on. This is very emotional and painful for me.
My good friend/MOH, let’s call her Lauren, just got engaged and is getting married in May. We always told each other that we were going to be in each other’s wedding since elementary school. We drifted apart in college but became close again so I asked her to be my MOH.
After my wedding, my husband and I went through some tough times, loosing 2 pregnancies, my crazy MIL needing to continue to live with us, financial difficulties, etc. All of my friends did not keep in touch much which was very hurtful. I guess they didn’t know how to handle the situation?
Anyways, I got a text in December that Lauren got engaged! I was SO excited for her! I invited her over to celebrate. She told me about her plans and said that she was only having her 2 sisters and best friend in her wedding because she wanted a small bridal party. I understood, it wasn’t a big deal and we continued to talk.
A couple weeks later, two of our mutual friends posted on their Facebook that Lauren had asked them to be bridesmaids and she had the best dresses picked out. I was just beyond crushed. I thought we were closer than that. I feel lied to.
Now, Ive gotten a message from her asking if I’d do her make up (I’m a make up artist) and play the piano in her wedding. I haven’t been able to reply yet because I just don’t know what to say. I’m not mad at her, just very hurt. I get that it’s her wedding and she can do what she wants. I just thought we were closer. That and she only came over and talked to me when I wanted to celebrate with her, not when I was going through my tough times.
What would y’all do or say to her? I care deeply for her and I think that’s why it hurts even more.
Post # 3
@ffterwifey: I think you should be open and honest with her about how you feel. Tell her that you feel very hurt that she is not having you in her wedding party. Explain that her asking you to do her makeup and play piano is kind of a slap in the face. Hopefully once she hears your concerns, you two can work through things. Good luck.
Post # 4
@ffterwifey: Honestly? I understand why you’re hurt. I’m picturing one of my bridesmaids who is kind of like your friend is to you (friends for a long time, haven’t been super close after high school but kept in touch pretty good lately and she’s moving back soon yaya!)
If she were to get married and ask me to play the frickin piano, I’d be kinda upset too. I’m sorry that this is playing out like this 🙁
I don’t really know what to say advice wise except that you gotta choose… Do you want to get over the hurt and play a role? Or not bother? It kin of depends on where you want to go from here.
Again, I’m sorry this sucks. Like you said, not a lot you can do but it still kinda blows 🙁
Post # 5
@ffterwifey: Your feelings are completely justified! If I were you, I would have an honest conversation about how you feel. Although, post that convo, if she asked you would you accept or feel like she was doing it out of obligation?
On the bright side, being in a wedding can be expensive so maybe it’s a blessing in disguise!!
Post # 6
- Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas
It sounds as if she just has a lot of friends, and you perhaps don’t. I don’t mean that to be snarky, btw. I would agree to her requests, playing the piano for them seems like a very thoughtful gesture on both of your parts – she obviously has respect for your talent.
Promises made in elementary school can’t always come true.
Post # 7
This may be the unpopular opinion, but if you feel that “Lauren” and yourself are good enough friends for you to be in her wedding party, then I think you should do the make-up and play piano. As a friend, I would want to support my friend at her wedding. If the way that she wants your support is with make-up and your skills with a piano (you must be good if she wants you to do it!), then I think that’s how you should show your support.
It sucks that she lied to you and told you she was keeping the wedding party to family, and then asked your mutual friends to be in the bridal party. It wasn’t a nice thing to do. However, if you want to be friends with her despite this (people do nasty things sometimes and don’t even think about the consequences), I think you should let it slide. She clearly still wants you in the wedding, as a pianist is a big job. It’s not like she’s asking you to be a server or man the guestbook. She wants you to be part of the ceremony by providing beautiful music. I’d support her.
Post # 8
I would be hurt too. Especially since the two things she’s asked you to do are both things that you typically have to hire people/pay money for. She wants you to work her wedding (I’m assuming for free) after she lied to you about her bridal party.
Post # 9
I understand it hurts to not be included. As you said it’s her wedding and she can pick her bridesmaids as she wants. But it still stinks.
Talk to her about it if it upsets you. You don’t know why the other 2 were invited after she said it was only 3. Mayber her finace wanted extra groomsmen and she invited them after your talk. Maybe she didn’t want to put additional stress (and financial burden) on you of being in a wedding party with all you’re going through. Maybe she really wanted you to play the piano on her special day?
Still stinks. Hugs.
Post # 10
- Wedding: September 2013 - Lake Anna Winery
Thanks ladies! I’m definitely going to answer her and tell her how I feel, I guess I just don’t know how to say it without making the situation worse.
I agree lalalyanne, I need to choose whether I want to be apart of things.. I think it’d be painful to be doing make up around all the bridesmaids and know I’m not included. I guess no matter what I do, it’s gonna hurt!
Post # 11
@ffterwifey: Maybe your friend knew all along she wanted only you to do her makeup and play piano? Maybe she thought if she asked you to do that and be a BM it would be too much for you? I say this bc I have a girlfriend I’m close to and love dearly but did not ask to be in my wedding. I know I’m going to need a right hand woman who isn’t in the bridal party to help me out that day, kind of like a DOC (picking up anything I forgot, getting food or drinks, etc). I let her know I love her dearly and wanted someone I trust to be there for me on that day, and I knew my BM’s would be busy getting ready. I plan on getting her a special little gift to thank her for her help. Or maybe your friend didn’t want to put the financial strain of being a BM on you? Either way if it is bothering you that much have a heart to heart talk with her.
Post # 12
I can see why you are hurt….I would be too.
Anyway, talking to her directly is the best way to express your hurt if you need to. Wait until you can be less emotional, meet for coffee and just tell her “something is bothering me and I’m a little uncomfortable to bring it up”. Tell her you feel hurt that she didn’t ask you to be a bridesmaid. You had hoped to be included, and just wanted to let her know how you felt. Then tell her you are still so happy for her, etc. I wouldnt’ bring up her choosing others, etc. You could always wait until after the wedding craziness to tell her.
Other option is to not tell her, and just re-set your expectations for the friendship. Its ok to say no to her piano/makeup offers too.
Post # 13
Being excluded is never a good feeling….. I was excluded from a bridal party and I was very hurt at first. Then I explained the situation to a few people and they told me to consider it a blessing. Looking back, it was the best thing that happened to me in terms of the wedding…..
You do not have to deal with all the stress/aggravation/cost of being a bridesmaid. You are free to attend the wedding as a guest and have a good time without all the bridal party drama (my belief is that there is always some sort of drama within a bridal party)……..
As for being the make up artist—- consider it as a way to make money and to put your creative twist on things…. or have her make up be your wedding gift you her (are you doing just her make up or everyone in the bridal party)
As for the piano….. I would probably pass on this part…… that is what the band/dj are for……
Post # 14
@ffterwifey: When you talk to her, don’t accuse her of anything. Use “I” statements like “I feel” or “It makes me feel.” It helps to keep her from feeling blamed or pressured. Simply explain that you are feeling a bit hurt over her decision and then see what she says. She could have a good reason for making the decision she did or maybe she was just worried about hurting people’s feelings. . . or maybe her FI had more people on his side and she didn’t want uneven sides or something.
I think she asked you to do the piano and make-up because she honestly does want to include you in such an important event in her life somehow. If it will hurt too much to do the make-up then maybe you could just agree to do the piano playing. That way you are still involved and helping her out.
Post # 15
@ffterwifey: Ouch! Hopefully talking with her can bring you some comfort. I know that’s gotta hurt.
Post # 16
- Wedding: September 2013 - Lake Anna Winery
My snarky husband told me to say yes to the make up and piano but only if she pays for it. I didn’t think that was mature. Haha.
I think if she asked me after the conversation to be in the wedding, I wouldn’t do it. I don’t want to be an after thought or guilt her into it.
Also, the elementary comment was to point out how long we’ve been friends, not that I’ve been holding her to her word from elementary school…
Such a hard decision to do things in her wedding or not. Part of me wants to cut ties since she can’t be there for me through the hard times but wants me to keep her on budget by not paying me to do make up and piano. But the other more sympathetic side would do it to honor her as she did at my wedding… thanks for being my sound board ladies!!