Post # 1
I dont usually share my problems and feelings with people but I have read countless threads on here and I feel like some of you guys might actually listen and be helpful. haha. : D
When we started the wedding process we agreed on a final budget. That everyone seemed to be happy with. Then things began to spin out of control. Both my fiancé and I have large families so we knew the guest list would be rather long. We found a venue that was all inclusive and had great prices. All we have to provide is the formal wear, personal flowers and invitations. It was the best deal for any venue in our area that could hold up to 200 guests. Then we found “the” dress which was about $200 over budget. I said we could find a cheaper one that we liked just as much but she said “No. It will be fine. You can get this one.” After discussing it we bought the dress. After making the guest list we realized just how big it is. We are over about 50-80 over our goal. So, I tried to sit down with her to cut the guest list and she wouldnt cut anyone. She says “we just have to invite them. it will be fine.” I love everyone on our guest list so I have agreed and am planning to just invite everyone and pay for the extra people.
My mother even told me at one point, “We know weddings are expensive. We dont expect you to stay within budget but we would like to keep as close as possible. We can afford to stretch it” I have felt guilty with the budget anyway. But whenever I ask she keeps assuring me that it would be fine. I booked a make up artist for the day because that is something that I want for myself and I will be paying for her on my own.
But today, after doing some facebook stalking I have found that the photographer who is provided by the venue doesnt do such great photos. (when we first found the venue, i mentioned maybe hiring a second photographer just to be on the safe side and everyone seemd supportive of the idea) When I told my mom earlier that I was kind of nervous of how our pictures will turn out she snapped and said “You just need to calm down! I dont know what you expect but you cant have everything!”
I am just so confused. I know that she wants me to be able to have everything that I want but I am a reasonable and realistic person. Everytime I try to find ways to save money she tells me to calm down and that it will be fine. but after today I feel like she is mad at me. Now, my mom and I have a pretty great relationship but I just cant figure this one out. I told her a few weeks ago that I needed a true budget. A number where she couldnt say “oh it won’t matter. it will be fine” and she got super offended and oh so angry and stormed off and refuses to talk about it.
Any ideas or suggestions?? How did you guys find ways to save money??
Post # 3
Can you offer to pay for the photographer yourself?
Post # 4
I have tried. Lol I am only 20. And although I am ready to be married I do not have much of an income at this time. I have savings but when I mentioned using some of that I was yelled at and told to leave it alone. We just cant seem compromise on anything.
Post # 5
I can relate. My Mom was always happy to stretch the budget for areas of the wedding that were important to her, but if it was only important to me… totally different story!
Maybe she snapped because she was having a stressful day or something and your worry was just the last thing she wanted to hear at that particular moment? If she’s like any other Mom, she wants to give you everything and maybe she’s a little upset that she can’t, but she’s taking that out on you?
Have you guys tallked about what parts of the wedding are more important to you? If you won’t care that your invitations were printed yourself- do that to save money. There are a lot of things you can DIY if you’re good at that and it makes planning the wedding more fun.
Post # 6
@JessyMess: She doesnt really have any priorities about the wedding. She would be fine never talking about it if I didnt bring it up. I would love to do the DIY except.. 1) When we booked the all inclusive venue and even now she says “Id rather pay a little more than do it myself.” and 2) she always points out that the added stress of a DIY project isnt worth saving a little bit of money
ha. im afraid that I make her sound terrible, which she isnt at all.
Post # 7
ask your mom why she got so upset. she may need to get something off her chest.
then ask her what you can cut down on. ex food choices, decorations..etc
ask the venue if they can knock off he price if you select your own photographer.
who said they were bad? have you looked at their portfoloio? they may not be!!
and tell them your concerns! they should be willing to hear you out and convince you they will do a good job! tell them what shots you want! give them examples of wedding oics you find online that you like!
Post # 8
I think she is probably stressed by both the money (and coming up with it) and not disappointing her daughter. Weddings are a lot of pressure for parents. Yes it was bad that she snapped but she maybe feeling so overwhelmed with the stress that she just lashed out.
I would talk to her about how stressed she seems and ask her why (in a nice way- it could also be something entirely non wedding related).
Also since it is her money that she is spending I guess she does get a bit of say in how it is spent- and to her she may think you are taking advantage by wanting two photographers. Maybe both of you should go and see the photographer and view thier portfolio and do some internet research together to look at reviews etc and then make a decision together (rather than telling her) about adding a second photographer.
Post # 9
When we booked the venue we saw a short slide show of photos from the other weddings and they looked nice. however, after I doing some research, I have found that the photographer owns and works at a hair salon. She doesnt have a photography website, facebook page, or anything. I found a few more of her photos and most of them have awful lighting and just a black faded edge border. Nothing that I cant do on my iPhone.
There is plenty to be stressed about. lol We lost our home to a fire in November. So, we are rebuilding and planning a wedding at the same time. I completely understand the stress of the financial situation. The insurance company has been wonderful. We have settled on the house and were working on the contents now. I have tried to explain that I would rather use some of the insurance money from my contents on the wedding as opposed to using it to buy more stuff that I dont necessarily need. She is more concerned with getting ready for the new house than the wedding. (which i understand) I am just trying to pretend like nothing happended and move on with life. and when I get off of work she is so tired from thinking of the house all day she doesnt really care to listen.
Maybe itll get better as the rebuilding progresses…
Post # 10
She’s probably more upset because she knows photography isn’t cheap, so ‘stretching the budget’ in her mind may mean by a few hundred, but not a few thousand.
Post # 11
If you want another photographer and your mom thinks its not important then you have to pay for it yourself. Does you Fiance have money for that?
Post # 12
It sounds like your mom feels since she is paying for the wedding she gets the final say in everything. It is her money after all. The only thing I can suggest is the same thing the PPs suggested and that’s to pay for the photographer yourself. Although, I would be worried that it would offend your mom.
Post # 13
@bells: yes, however he is putting all his extra money towards paying off his student loans. He couldnt care less about photography. lol
Post # 14
If photography is very important maybe you can make cutbacks in other area to stay within budget.
Post # 15
eesh, sounds like I wrote this post myself.
Our engagement party was this past Saturday and I met up with her earlier in the day to run some errands. Everything was fine and dandy and I mentioned a couple of times how I was hungry and hadn’t eaten breakfast. Out of no where she starts yelling at me telling me money doesn’t grow on trees and that any time I talk to her its about money… I was so confused!?!?
I think they really want you to have everything for your big day, and in my case my mom never had a big day so she’s kind of living vicariously through me…so when I ask her for a budget she gives me the same response your mom is giving you! But then she snaps on me all of a sudden! I wasn’t even asking her to buy me lunch, I actually wanted her to hurry up so that I could go home and eat.
We, women are strange creatures.
Post # 16
@Anthia: Well, since you stated that your inclusive venue covers everything but the formal wear, personal flowers and invitations. Is there anyway that you can cut down/DIY with the flowers and invitations? I bought paper for my daughter’s wedding invitations and they printed, stamped, cut, glued and tied them together. They came out very nice! I don’t know what you have planned for flowers, but maybe you could purchase them from fiftyflowers.com and do them yourselves. Or get some from a farmer’s market, or even pick out non-floral items, like pocketfolds for the men, and bracelets with a silk flower for the women? Or a purse with a flower added, or other alternative.