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Oh man, I'm so sorry she's been such an absentee Mother. Its really hard to realize that parents aren't always good at their job. I think if I were you, I'd tell her every single thing I've always wanted to tell her, but I'd do it in an email (so she can't interupt and so you can take your time in making sure its all there). From there, leave the door open for her but make no more attempts. I know this is hard, I hope the relationship improves.
Wow. The woman sounds toxic. If she is not bringing anything positive or supportive in your life, then you are best served to just move ahead with your FI and leave her behind. She has made her choices (all of them bad, it sounds like) and you cannot change her. She is who she is and she's going to continue on a path different from yours. Don't let her suck you in to her debt, her bad choices and her bad karma. Stay away!!! You don't need her influence and your kiddo certainly does not need it. You, FI and kiddo are all you need!
And don't waste your time and energy on yelling at her. Take the high road. Hold your head up. You'll be glad you did!!! Stay strong!!!!!!!!
Thanks Bees for the insight! I knew this was a safe place to post. . . .
I'm trying to stay strong as @Far suggested, it's just so hard to deal with.
Man, I’m sorry you are going through this – I can’t imagine how hurt and frustrated you must be. I can’t offer any personal advice, but can tell you what my mom told me. My mom’s mom was/is much like yours (except, she is also an alcoholic, and showed up drunk several times when I was a baby which is what prompted my mom talking to her). My mom sat her mom down and told her upfront (but calmly), that her behavior was unacceptable, and now that she (my mom) was an adult, my grandmother’s behavior would no longer be tolerated, and in particular, that she could not tolerate my grandmother being absent and emotionally abusive to me. She also told my grandmother that unless she changed, my mom wouldn’t have much else to do with her – that she loved her, but couldn’t allow her toxicity to continue running her life.
We don’t all get the relatives, including parents, we deserve, and I can completely understand still wanting your mama – I still need mine!! If you can’t get the mom-daughter love you need from your mom, can you refocus that energy into your child? I’m sure you are already an awesome mom, but maybe do even more activities together – just you and your child? Or is there any sort of support group you could join, or activity club you could join to meet more women who might be in the same situation you are?
Again, I’m sorry you are dealing with this. She sounds toxic, even if she is also your mother.
Having 2 parents with similar behavior, all i can say is run and don't look back. Don't expect anything out of this woman, she'll just disappoint you. You made yourself who you are and you owe it to you, your FI, and your child to keep this toxic woman out of your lives. It was hard for me to admit that I'd never have a "mother" the way I wanted, but letting go of that dream allowed me to appreciate the other things I DO have. I'm sorry you are going through this.
I'm sorry you have to deal with that. I think it is in your best interest to move on and not make an effort. Maybe someday she will grow up and realize and then maybe you guys can sit and talk. But you need to focus on your child and FI and your guys' life as a family. Be the mom that you never had.
I would agree with the other bees. Having a father like this, and always having considered myself dady's little girl, it's hard to do. But if you keep trying to mend this broken relationship, it will impact your other relationships. In spite of all of your efforts, it just seems like she cares about herself and is willing to hurt everyone else to get what she wants. I'm sorry you are going through this, but with a wedding and a child, it seems that your real family is there now, I would embrace that and let go of her.
Wow. There are some responses here that have my eyes welling. I just have to keep reminding myself that, like a lot of you said (and big thanks BTW), keep my focus on kiddo and be the mother I never had. I think I was trying to do this, but as soon as she came back in my life I started pulling in that drama and really derailing myself from the awesome family FI, kiddo, and I are building.
By the way, Gabrielle, Little, and Marcum: It's really nice to know I'm not the only one in the world dealt such a bad hand as far as mothers go. Marcum, it really hit home when you wrote "your real family is there now, I would embrace that and let go of her."
Ugh. Your mother sounds like mine, but mine is also an alcoholic. I came to the realization years ago that my mother both needed to apologies for her behavior when I was a child/teenager and that she needed to step-up and be a better mother. I had it out with her over the phone one night and told her that if she continued in the vain she'd been in since I was little, that I would cut all ties to her and never speak to her again. I never got the apology, but after refusing to speak to her for well over a year, cutting her out of my life, she's stepped up. She is not now, nor will she ever be, the kind of mom I need or want and she'll never be able to make up for my horrible childhood, but she's trying to be a better person for all 3 of her kids now. One step at a time, i guess.
What I am trying to say is that you ought to just come out and tell your mother all the horrible, terrible things she's done over the years and the negative impact she's had on you (and your sister!). Lay it out. Doesn't matter how- e-mail, facebook message, phone call, in person- whatever makes it so you can say it all, and honestly. Tell her to shape up or get the F out of your life before she poisons and breaks your child's heart too. Then follow through. If she fails or refuses to make improvements, cut her out. It hurts, a lot, to cut your mom out of your life, but it doesn't hurt nearly as much as the pain she's inflicted or the pain she could yet inflict upon your child.
Good luck. This is a very difficult topic to struggle with. *HUGS*
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Sorry for the longness, but I has a big sad. For the five millionth time my mom has disappeared during the more important times of my life.
It started at about 9 yearsold when she decided to go back to school for her PhD and left my sis and I at home alone to fend for ourselves, not coming home until 8 or 9 at night. Then when I was 13 she finished up her schooling she decided she would marry a guy that she hardly knew, and Sis and I were put on the back burner again while they had date nights and hung out at friend's houses while we were at home. Next I went to college and my mother really disappeared. I had to sell the gold jewelry my Dad gave me as gifts to pay for gas and never had a warm meal at the house even though she was receiving child support to the tune of 840/mo, and claiming me on her taxes, which made it so I never could pull out more in loans than what covered my tuition. After working 40+ a week and trying to go through school, I ran into a bad guy, wound up pregnant and, until two years ago, gave up on any thought of having a college education.
Now, I thought I had put all of this stuff behind me and grown up - so I reconnected the relationship so that she could be an influence in kiddo's life and I would finally have a mother. NOPE! Through this entire wedding planning she has done nothing to help. Not a single stinkin thing - in fact, knowing that we had a 10k credit card bill to pay in January (spring tuition for school and wedding payments to be paid in cash, from savings which we skrimp and save to pay), she actually guilt tripped me into borrowing 1k for her car and has yet to pay me back! Granted, it is my dumb fault to let her guilt trip me, but still - who asks their kid to borrow a thousand dollars when they are paying for school in cash AND paying for the majority of their wedding?
Then, last week she sent out an email asking friends and family to contribute to her taking a sick dog that she fosters to TX to give it experimental treatment, even though she went 8k in debt doing back surgery on our family dog that passed away in November. I sent her an email reminding her that I will no longer put her before my kiddo's college savings or my wedding. Well, this lead to a blowup and I just feel like it was her excuse to disappear again! She hasn't called, emailed, or tried to contact me.
I'm feeling so frustrated and hurt right now. I can't even imagine my kiddo planning a wedding without me being there to help her pick a dress, address the invites, heck - even go and see the venue location. The only feedback I have received from her was "Only really slender girls will look good in the dresses you selected" and when my sister posted on Facebook about the two of us working out for the wedding my mom posted "Thats nice, now let's work on the mother of the bride!!!".
I just don't even know what to do. Should I shake her and yell at her about what a selfish biatch she has been and that she is ruining one of the last opportunities she has to support me? Or should I just let it go and stop communication? I'm so torn, there is still a little girl inside of me that wants a mommy to love me, but there is an adult that knows she is never going to change her selfish ways!
In any case, thanks for letting me vent. I don't feel 100% better but it helps to get it out.