Post # 1
I am currently in the process of planing my wedding. It is not at all how I had imagined it though. I feel like my mom does not care at all. I always thought my mom and I were pretty close, and I mean we are. She gets on my nerves sometimes, but she’s my mom so thats to be expected. My mom got divorced from her second husband about 3 years ago and since before the divorce up till now she has always run to me with her problems and when she was upset. Whenever I start a conversation with her she will change it to be about her and her problems. It seems like she doesn’t even pay attention to what I have to say anymore. This is recent because her and my ex-step-dad used to pay attention to any problem I had or anything about me and my life. Now I just feel like all my mom’s problems and basically anything in her life is more important to her than me. The worst part about this is that she just blows off anything I tell her about my wedding. When I texted her and told her we booked a place and the date all she had to say was cool, then changed the subject. My dad and step-mom and FMIL were all very excited had lots of questions to ask and all wanted to go visit the venue we picked out. So we took them, I asked my mom if she wanted to go, well her and her boyfriend had planned to go out to dinner that day so they couldn’t come. I can’t help, but feel upset because my mom just blows me off. I can take her blowing me off when i am telling her about school, work and what not, but blowing me off when I am telling her about wedding planning makes me feel like I am being stabbed in the heart.
I have always dreamed of planning my wedding with my mom, and going dress shopping with her and picking out decorations with her, etc. She doesn’t want to do any of that with me and it hurts a lot. FI noticed that she was doing this without me telling him too, so it’s not just me. Last night I was watching the show parenthood and when the mom and daughter start planning a wedding together I broke out in tears because that is what I want.
I have confronted her about this before. I sent her a message on facebook when we were chatting and said I feel like you are not excited about my wedding, your only daughter is getting married! She said she was excited, but I have to learn that people have lives beyond my wedding and I cannot expect people to drop everything for me and my wedding(This made FI really mad since he knew how upset I was about her ignoring me). I was really hurt by this. I know that no one will ever be as excited about my wedding as I am, but it’s my mom and I don’t expect her to drop everthing to help me. I just wanted to take her to some bridal shows or have her help me decide on decorations and what not. Now I’m worried that when i schedule appointments to shop for my dress she will be “busy with her boyfriend.
Post # 3
@anonybee29: Please take this in the spirit that I mean it but when you wrote “Now I’m worried that when i schedule appointments to shop for my dress she will be “busy with her boyfriend” I immediately thought to myself that you’re right, she probably will be. If what you’re saying is true then, to me, you have asked very little of your mother with regards to participating in your big day. Your mother sounds selfish, self-centered and in constant need of male companionship. I’m not suggesting for a minute that she needs to be a lonely old widow but as you said, you are her only daughter getting married which usually conjurs on SOME excitement but seems to have the opposite affect in your case. It sucks but you might want to realize this is how it is and lean on others for support.
Post # 4
@anonybee29: That sucks, sister :-/ It doesnt sound like you are being demanding at all, just looking for a little support from your mom.
I dont *want* my mother heavily involved in this process, but I can relate in regards to the disinterested mother: mine is on her way out of her 5th marriage, and all she typically talks about is herself. I dread calling her back when she reaches out because I know it’s going to be 45 minutes of her ranting about her life and radio silence on my end.
My advice to you would be to keep your expectations low :-/
Post # 5
@CocoClassic: I really am not sure that she will show up. She seems to always have plans. I know she cannot stand to be alone. Once it was sure they were getting a divorce she was already looking to find a new man. She cannot be alone. I hate it because she gets mad when a guy she is dating doesn’t put his children first, but she doesn’t put hers first. She is definately kind of selfish. She wont spend one weekend away from her boyfriend so she can do some wedding things with me. Yet her boyfriend spends almost all his spare time with his kids. I guess she doesn’t see anything wrong there. I’m so lucky I have FI though. He hates doing wedding stuff but sucks it up and helps me because she wont. I just hope maybe when it gets closer she will get more excited.
@badabing88: Your mom sounds just like mine! I feel like my mom literally marries the first guy that comes along and stays with her for a long period of time. All she cares about is herself and her problems. My mom doesn’t call, but whenever she facebook messages me I prepare for hours of her self-loathing to me. Ugh
Post # 6
@anonybee29: That sounds familiar :-/
Post # 7
@anonybee29: I’m really sorry to hear this. Sometimes I read about the joy some women feel about their mothers being there with them and I feel the slightest bit of saddness because I dont speak to my parents – AT ALL. And when I read stories like yoursm they sound so close to what mine would be like if I did speak to them so I say good riddance.
It might sound harsh but I have gotten to the point where I rid all people who wish to do me even the slightest bit of harm. Unfortunately they have fallen into that category for years and it was time to cut them loose! Self preservation is key!
Post # 8
@CocoClassic: I sometimes think of just not talking to my parents anymore, but I end up missing them and feeling sad when I miss holidays with everyone. I don’t talk to my dad that often anymore, he puts the keeping in contact solely on me so I look like the bad one when we don’t talk for months yet he put no effort in.
That doesn’t sound harsh at all. I contemplate it all the time. Now that I have FI he is my family so I kind of just keep less contact with my family it’s for the best anyways. It’s hard sometimes cause they are my family and were much different when I was younger, but I realize that things have changed and I need to watch out for myself.
It’s just been really hard when planning a wedding and you want your family to be involved and the ones you want to care, just don’t.
Post # 9
Sweetie, I am so sorry you are going through this. 🙁 Things between my mom and I were strained for a very, very long time (read: she kicked me out on Christmas eve 5 years ago and I moved out of state to a friend’s because nobody in my family would help me).
I moved back to the area to finish school, and I met my FI while I was back here. I think once my mom realized that a) I am an independent human being that doesn’t need her and b) cutting off her nose to spite her face meant she was missing out on my life, she changed her tune.
Things are not better between us for a long shot, there is a lot of history there, but she has really stepped up her game when it comes to the wedding and she is trying really hard (but I think it might be because FI’s family has put in so much effort that she’s trying to keep up with the Joneses and not look cheap. But I like to think that she actually wants to be a part of it too).
I hope that your mom has an epiphany moment about what she will be missing by not participating in this.
*hugs* Good luck!!
Post # 10
I didnt realize that there were so many other people going through the same thing. It has been eating away at me and making me so sad with how little involvement or even happiness my mother has shown in my engagement/wedding planning.
I keep thinking or expecting something to change or that shed call me up and ask a question about the wedding but it never happens. Im 8 months away from my wedding and Im currently not speaking to my younger sister who is in the bridal party, my step father who i asked to walk me down the aisle freaked out because he doesnt want to cause a stir with my real father whose been out of the picture for 17 years… and then theres my mother who feels that i shoudl be the one calling and updating her because I am the “daughter” and she is the “mother” therefore all things should be brought to her.
At this point im at a loss as to what to do other then keep my expectations at an all time low, and keep them at bay (but this usually brings on a guilt trip or how ive somehow been a horrible daughter) Not too sure how things will play out. But you have to focus on the good people you have in your life and those who WANT to be there and want to help. Regardless of your mothers inner issues etc shell either come around or regret letting her inner emotions get in the way of her only daughters big day! Her problem not yours.
Be happy and try to surround yourself with happy people 🙂
Hang in there!