Post # 1
My mom and I are extremely close. She has always had my back and she is one of the most intelligent, caring people I know. During the 10 years of dating my now fiance, my mom has always been kind-but not exactly enthused with him. To be fair- there were many years of immaturity and unfriendliness on his part. At this point my mom agrees to have a civil relationship with him- but thats it. She supports me, but doesnt feel its fair that she need to put up with his shenanigans. He is a good person and he loves me TO DEATH, despite our ups and downs. However, as the date of our wedding approaches, I’m really starting to notice to defficiencies. There are 3 major issues which my mom points out which are true:
1) His parents are consistently joking about racist things. They vehemently claim to not be racist, but their conversations are mean-spirited.
2) His mother is rude and controlling. I believe so much so, that she has created eating disorders in both of her children–that of which my fiance doesnt recognize. I believe that my fiance’s now and then rudeness with my mom is because he transfers his feelings from his mother figure to mine.
3) He is socially not graceful. He clams up around people that are important to me and it really makes it hard to have a healthy, robust social life. There are many instances where I have been embarrassed by his behavior.
So, what is making me stay, you ask? He loves me so much and will do pretty much anything to keep me around (within the parameters of his limitations listed above). His love is constant and I believe he believes I’m his one true love. I love him a lot too- I’ve been with him for 10 years, but I think he comes with a price. Should I listen to my mom? Is she trying to throw me a lifesaver? I’m a month before my wedding–never been through something so hard in my whole life.
Post # 3
@Lola1985: Three isn’t a deal breaker because social grace is really hard to learn if you don’t have it. One is really unfortunate but there’s no much you can do about it besides limiting your interaction with his parents.
The only red flag I see is rudeness to your mother. Whether or not you want to blame his mother for it, the truth of the matter is that he should be aware of what he is saying and respect the people you love. Have you expressed to him that he needs to change his behavior toward your mom? It’s a conscious decision on his part, and if he has been unwilling to be polite to her, then I could see that becoming a big issue.
Post # 4
I don’t think the things you listed are necessarily reasons to reconsider your relationship, but they are things to think about. The problems seem to be mostly with his parents and the issues they have projected on to your fiance.
The question is whether you are willing to deal with them for the rest of your lives, and it would probably be good for your fiance to find a way to handle his relationship with them in a way that won’t be detrimental to him or you. I know a lot of people here often suggest counseling, but I think it’s called for in this case. It would be horrible to throw away a good relationship because of the person’s family, but you’ll both need to find a way to deal with them. Good luck to both of you 🙂
Post # 5
@somethingaquamarine: He has had a pattern of being very nice to her (bringing her coffee), helping her with household stuff, but every now and then- he throws a curve ball and acts up. An example of acting up being:
We were at the dinner table talking about planning the wedding reception. Every suggestion my mom made- he would counter it. It made for a really awkward, defensive and lightly combative evening. He claims he just wants to be included in the plans and wants to be listened to. But it comes off as rude. I think he has issues with control, because his mother has controlled him a lot.
I’m so lost.
Post # 6
@somethingaquamarine: Oh, yes, I agree with the behavior toward OP’s mother, even if it’s not all the time, and I forgot to mention it.
OP, I’m sure you’ve talked to him about this, and again, I think it’s something that might be able to be addressed in counseling. Although I think he should be able to recognize when he’s being rude. Maybe you can get him to agree to a system for when you detect it happening. You could give him some kind of code to alert him that he’s being rude, and he could either consciously try to change the way he’s acting in the moment, or step away from the situation until he’s gotten himself together so that he can engage appropriately. (Just suggestions, I’m no therapist!)
Post # 7
@CurlyTop24: I think that’s a great suggestion! It seems like he isn’t aware of his rudeness, which is not what I had originally picked up from the original post.
Post # 8
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@Lola1985: You keep saying how much he loves you but your comment about your love for him sounds iffy/non-committal. It’s almost as if you are consigned to him because he loves you and you have been together for 10 years so you must love him back. If you havne’t had pre-marital counseling I highly recommend it because it’s a bad idea to go into marriage with someone because you feel obligated to the person.
Post # 9
Unless you are planning on cutting off all ties to his family after the wedding, you’re not just marrying him, you’re marrying the family. After the nightmare of my ex’s family, I learned the hard way to evaluate the family just as much as I evaluate the SO. Are you planning on children someday? If so, how do you plan on handling the exposure to the FILs? I assume you wouldn’t want your child exposed to racist vitriol on a regular basis, and I’m sure you wouldn’t want her grandmother telling her that she’s a little piggy and better lose some weight when she’s 5. It’s a discussion you should have before the wedding and not after.
I’ll be honest, the fact that he plays hot and cold with your mother is not a positive sign. Being Mr. Nice Guy until she tolerates him again and then being a combative jerk is not a healthy way to handle things. Is this something he does with you?
I think that if you’ve had the healthy and positive relationship with your mother that you say you have, the fact that she is coming to you with these concerns means that she’s seriously worried for you. If you’d said she was an overbearing, helicopter parent, I’d be more likely to brush it off, but you’ve given no such indication of that. And yes, she’s trying to give you an out.
Also, it doesn’t matter if HE believes you’re his true love. It matters what YOU believe.
Post # 10
has anybody else close to you raised any concerns over your relationship? I find that if everybody around you is trying to tell you something then maybe you need to rethink your relationship. If it’s just your mom (who is a big deal) then I don’t really know and I’ve been no help…
Post # 11
Perhaps I am in the minority, but I would never marry anyone my family didn’t like. I am very close to my parents and sister and would never be able to deal with a situation like that. I also believe they know me best, are rational and well-meaning people and want the best for me. If they didn’t like my FI, I would reconsider the relationship.
Post # 12
I’m 30 days before the wedding. People are flying from other parts of the country…I can’t believe I’ve put myself in this place. I do love him, a lot. But I think being with him will come at a price, maybe I am not prepared for.
Anyone here backed out of a wedding?
Post # 13
@Lola1985: I haven’t, but there are several bees who have. I’m sorry you’re going through this uncertainty, and I’m sure it must be agonizing. I wish you all the best as you work on making this decision.