Post # 1
My Fiance recently lost his job in February in a kind of embarrassing situation, and he’s been very quiet about it. He asked that I not tell any of my friends what happened, and I’ve been respectful of his wishes. However, my parents hounded me until I told them what happened. They are totally supportive of us and believe Fiance was wronged just like I do, although there is nothing we can do about it now. It’s been tough the past three months, with me being the only one working as we’re saving up for a wedding, honeymoon & a recent home purchase. Things have been stressful, but we’re taking them in stride.
I was talking to my mom tonight, and she starts telling me about how she told my aunt what happened at FI’s job and blah blah blah…I was so upset that she had repeated the situation when I had specifically asked my dad and her not to talk about it. She said, “I only told my closest friends!” I haven’t told MY closest friends; why does my mother think she has the right to tell her friends about MY future husband’s job situation when we have specifically discussed how important it is to Fiance that we don’t repeat it?! She could hear that I was sounding teary, and she got super defensive. I didn’t yell at her, but I was just saying that I didn’t want the situation to color how our wedding guests (close family and friends) view my Fiance, and that her friends don’t even KNOW him….they don’t have a right to know his personal/professional business. I told her that I felt like I had betrayed him because now my mother is repeating his business. I wasn’t mean, but I was really disappointed. She ended the conversation with something like, “Well we should just both get off the phone becuase you are just chastising me and I don’t understand and blah blah blah.” So I said, “Okay,” and hung up. She took no responsibility, and continued to defend her right to talk to her friends about whatever she wants.
I’m upset that she can’t understand why this is such a problem. I’m upset that she thinks my personal business in my relationship is her own information to spread to her “closest friends.” I had explained to her that my Fiance has a right to retain some pride, and that this situation has been so devestating to us….we’re having to move to be closer to my job since his job was the larger source of income. It’s just been a hell of a year so far. We’re just starting to get over it. I just am so sad she’s repeating this story (a story we wanted to leave behind to some day become ancient history), and that she doesn’t understand why something that she doesn’t have the right to repeat something that isn’t happening to her. She’s been very ill lately, and I’ve been such a listening ear to her as she’s been dealing with some stressful things. I thought that I could trust her, although I guess I shouldn’t have even told her! I felt like we’ve gotten much closer, but this just really pissed me off! I feel like I don’t need one more thing on my plate right now!
Ugh….anyone else have a mom with a big mouth who has upset you during this crazy wedding planning time???
Post # 3
My mother is the EXACT same way….. all I can say is eventually you will have to get over it. My mom has done this so many times I just dont speak to her about things I really do not want people to know anymore…because she does not understand the concept of dont tell anyone.
Post # 4
Me and my Fiance had to adopt a policy with our parents. We have secrets we definitely don’t tell them. And like your parents, Fiance mom is quite nosey. She’s so nosey she needed to know my ATM pin. At first we would give in and sing like canaries. But we later learned that when our parents know our problems, they have a tendency to go to their network and try to fix them. In her eyes, she did nothing wrong but try to find a solution for you. When you talk to her again, I would ask that she zips this one up and in the future, certain things must be secrets.
Post # 5
yep my mom was telling people we were engaged before we even were! I feel your pain and I hope that you can find a meeting ground with your mom like I found with mine
Post # 6
My mother is a horrible gossip. She will literally make stories up or exaggerate facts. Her specialty is if she wants to know info, instead of just asking or waiting for people to tell her, she will say something along the lines of “I heard that you did this, that, and the other,” just so she can hear you deny or own up to it. When she gets confronted she denies, denies, denies. If that doesn’t work for her she gets emotional and starts yelling and then escalates to crying. It really is unpleasant to say the least. Fiance and I avoid telling her anything. When she starts in with the manipulation for facts, I end the conversation. Trust me OP, I feel your pain.
Post # 7
@MissMarriage: First off, sooooo sorry to hear this has happened to you.
Chalk it up to the society we currently live in… where everyone believes that ALL information is acceptable for “open consumption”… that somehow keeping things PRIVATE is “a bit odd”
The psycho-babble that states that no one should be ashamed of anything (is TRUE enough)
BUT that is vastly different from info that one conciders to be PERSONAL and PRIVATE, and therefore not meant for EVERYONE (be that one’s income – how much one’s Car, E-Ring or House Cost – one’s medical conditions – etc)
Sad that the right to privacy is NOT something that your Mother appreciates, and worse that she did this to you (one would “think” that you could confide in and TRUST your own Parents)
Plain and simple your Mother was WRONG. Sad she can’t see that, or be BIG ENOUGH to appologize to you.
Morale of the story, I wouldn’t trust her with any more PRIVATE & PERSONAL info that concerns yourself and your Hubby-2-B (something to remember when you are trying to conceive, and going thru the stages of pregnancy etc… you probably won’t want that very “personal” info all over the hood)
Just my 2 cents.
Post # 8
Sorry this is happening but in all honesty you kind of brought it on yourself. Your Fiance asked you not to share the story with anyone but you did and now you are upset that the person you told did the same thing, I really hope you have talked to your Fiance and apologised for letting the cat out of the bag and starting the chain of events.
I think the moral of the story is when asked to keep something like this in confidence maybe you should?
Post # 9
Thank you for the support, Bees. Lesson learned.
@j_jaye: I am an only child, so my parents and I are VERY close. I live 1000 miles away from them, and I have only one friend here (who I was asked by Fiance not to tell, and didn’t). I cried for weeks about this situation and needed an outlet because I felt like I had the world on my shoulders. Fiance was not mad that I had told my parents because his mother passed away when he was young, and my parents are very close with him as well.
Post # 10
I know how you feel! My Fiance is very close with his parents but his mother loves to tell her sister everything! Sometimes we know it is because she is close to her sister but sometimes we know she’s bragging. Unfortunately now we have adopted the policy that we just not tell her anything we wouldn’t want the whole family to know.
Post # 11
Yup. We have to pick and choose what we tell my Mom because she has no filter and tells everyone everything or takes a grain of truth and spins it into a massive lie and then no one knows whats true or not.
@Olive12: Mom twin.
Post # 12
@LaTortuga: Wow! Are we related?!
My FH can be very traditional and went to ‘ask’ my dad before proposing. He also told my dad that he could not purchase a ring at that time but he was asking because he wanted his intentions known since we had just put an offer in on a house together. He specifically told my dad not to tell anyone (other than my mother) and requested that my dad tell my mother that as well. I know my dad enough to know that he would have repeated this verbatim to my mother and NO ONE would hear a word from him.
Not only did she call me up the next day asking when the wedding was (btw FH asked them not to mention it to me either…put it across that I didn’t know…because of previous issues with my mom) but next thing I knew my cousin that lives in another country emailed me asking about our wedding! I was livid! Needless to say, I no longer share much info with my mother.
It got so bad at one point…every time she called she would ask when the wedding was and my standard answer was ‘He hasn’t even asked me yet’! It bothered me to the point that when he finally did propose we stopped by their house to tell them the next day and when they weren’t there I just left it. I talked to my dad a few days later but my mom didn’t find out for weeks…although I’m sure my dad told her; she just wasn’t listening as usual.
Now she’s moved on to trying to take over the wedding….sheesh!!
Post # 13
It’s great to know I’m not the only one! Not only does my mother not know how to keep a secret she activity denies that she does it. So I don’t tell her anything I don’t want the whole town to know, it hurst me that I can’t share these things with my mother but it’s her own fault.
I’m a private person and really don’t like anyone knowing my business. When I got my first bra I really freaked out I did not want anyone to know as I was still in denial and hoping to avoid puberty for a bit longer. it was embarassing enough to deal with the whole teenage hormanal swings and now I had physical evidence that I was desperate to hide. I repeatedly told my mother that I did not want anyone to know and not to tell anyone. I get to school and one of the first things that happens on the first day of wearing a bra is that one of my bullies (a girl I used to be close with that my mother knew had been bulling me for a long time) came up behind me to check if I was wearing my bra and pulled the strap to snap it. I was so upset, how the hell did this girl know I’s started wearing a bra? ( it really wasn’t visable) Then I found out she’d heard from her mother who my mother told. From the day on my mother didn’t get to know anything secret about me that I don’t want anyone else to know. Later I figured out she read my diary so I started filling it with fake stories as pay back, about 10 years later I told her about this.
On top of blabing secrets she also feels the need to tell everyone my life story when we met people and not the my child is wonderful version she tells the warts and all version with me standing there. It’s so embarassing, there are several things I’ve asked to specifically never to mention. When she meet Future Mother-In-Law not only did she say all of these things she didn’t let her get a word in and later told me that the Future Mother-In-Law was HARD TO TALK TO!! I told her she didn’t let her get a word in and didn’t wait for Future Mother-In-Law to finish her sentences. She denied this outright. I told my brother about it and he laughed knowing full well this is exactly what she is like. We visited her together and again she mentioned the Future Mother-In-Law was difficult to talk to and I repeated that she didn’t let the woman get a word in and would cut her off when she was trying to say something. Finally she looked a little embarassed and realised she’d done something wrong.
Post # 14
My Ex-hubs was a horrible about this stuff, I would tell him things in confidence and he would run and tell his mother then his entire family would know or his mom would bring it up to me and I would get super pissed at him (I’m talking about how much $ I made, what my dress size was, things going on in MY family that were NONE of her business etc, freaking EVERYTHING). The only way to stop the cycle is simple, do not share things with your mother that you don’t want people to know, especially if your Fiance doesn’t want you to share them, believe me it will cause more problems with your relationship down the line. If your mom asks why you don’t share say it’s because it’s your business, not everyone elses, maybe after a few months of not knowing much she will come to realize she was completely in the wrong about opening her mouth and change her ways.
Post # 15
Just tell her now you know you cant share anything important and confidential with her EVER again and even if you dont mean that she’ll at least be forced to understand how serious the issue is to you.
Post # 16
O wow, that’s infuriation. Literally infuriating, as I read that I was so mad for you…and so frustrated! An apology by her would have gone a long way.
We have long since stopped sharing anything important with my mom…not only does she tell people, but the bigger problem is that she’ll twist it and manipulate it into something that can be brought down on us in the future.
I’m sorry this happened.