Post # 1
Hi Bees, I posted about issues with my mom a while ago on this board. Here is the original post for some background, http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/mom-could-care-less
My mom has been less than thrilled since I became engaged in January, she really does not approve of my FI and thinks I’m making a mistake. We argued quite a bit initially but a month or so afterwards she came to the conclusion that she would have to “accept” the situation. Things have normalized since albeit I don’t discuss the engagement/wedding stuff with her much. Since we announced our engagement, I have seen my parents twice: in April, I drove home (I live about 4 hrs away for grad school) to celebrate my bday/easter and they recently came to visit both FI and I in our apartment. My parents have met my FI several times but I have two younger brothers who haven’t, they are in college and away a lot. I love them both dearly but they’re at that “20” something stage – they are very engrossed in their own lives and not too interested in mine. I figured that my parent’s visit would be the first step and then at some point we would get together with the boys.
My parents visit went smoothly and I was optimistic that my mom was beginning to change her mind about my FI. The only issue is that I did gain some weight since I last saw them in April and she kept commenting on it (I’m very petite so 5 lbs shows pretty easily) and then even pointed out that my FI had gained some weight as well. This upset me and today when I was having a phone conversation with her I brought it up.
And then she … FLIPPED OUT. She stated that it’s a difficult trip to make (8 hours round trip) in the car, that both she and my father are older and it takes a toll, besides the fact that my father works a lot and really looks forward to down time on the weekends. She made a point of saying that she “went out if her way” to be particularly pleasant when she visited my FI and insinuated that I was an ungrateful daughter. At this point I was in tears and apologizing because my mom and I very rarely argue like this.
Then to insult me further, she asked me why I had never brought my FI home to meet my brothers after we became engaged. I tried to be rational, even though I was really upset and said that she was quite angry afterwards and I thought it was best to take things slowly. She did not respond to this or acknowledge the fact that she was very upset initially and it might have been a very tense and uncomfortable situation if we had. I also brought up the fact that SHE NEVER ASKED THAT HE VISIT OR WELCOMED HIM INTO HER HOUSE. She continued to rant and rave and I asked how she could be angry when she never told me about any of this. She proceeded to tell me that “You’re a grown woman and you should have known better” to which I replied “I’m not a mind reader!”. I understand the importance of FI meeting my siblings and am sure it will happen; I have no idea why she became so fixated on the idea, my brothers don’t particularly care right now nor have they indicated any great interest in seeing him yet. It really was a completely random thing to argue about. The argument just escalated after that and eventually my father had to get on the phone to calm me down.
I really don’t know what is happening anymore; I am incredibly hurt by what my mother said. We have always had a solid relationship and never argued; now she is being incredibly vindictive and nasty and taking out all her frustrations on me. I really don’t understand what she is trying to accomplish by doing this, maybe breaking up my relationship?
What I am really afraid of is of losing my mother. I will not continue to be treated this way; it is borderline verbally/mentally abusive. I spent all day basically crying/moping with FI trying to comfort me … a complete waste of a day and I’m sure I’ll feel depressed for some time now. I don’t understand why she is trying to hurt me this way …
Post # 3
Oh wow, I am SO SORRY that you are dealing with this…especially with your mother! I don’t really have any advise as I am not going through this with my mom, except to say that when I first got engaged (last Christmas) my mom was happy for me until I started “talking wedding” with her. She’s never had a wedding and has no clue on how to help me so she avoided the topic and barely gave input. After a couple of months of secretly thinking that maybe she wasn’t approving of my pending marriage, I finally confronted her about it. So, I guess that’s what I would advice BUT IN A LETTER. It seems like your mom can talk over you, so it might be easier to express your fears/concerns about loosing your relationship with her over this in a letter without interuption.
Post # 4
As someone whose mother has been ridiculously mean and up and down since I’ve been engaged (and before) I sympathize with you! It’s incredibly difficult to have to deal with a mother who is being difficult when you’re trying to enjoy your engagement and spend time introducing your FI to your family.
My advice would be to take a step back and try to enjoy this time, despite what’s going on with your mother. Are you the only girl? Perhaps she’s having trouble with her only daughter getting married. I’m the only child and my mother is having an UNREAL time dealing with me growing up and getting married and beginning my own life. Perhaps there’s some of this going on. Maybe make some time when she visits (or you do) to spend time with just her. Go out to lunch or go shopping. Also, have you talked with her about this and let her know how upsetting the way she is acting to you? Being honest with her might help her understand the way her words and actions are upsetting you.
Do you have any idea WHY your mother thinks your making a mistake?
Post # 5
Someone ought to start a “mother” topic on this thing…seriously…I am in a similar situation – dating a man through college, now has a stable job, as do I (also finishing graduate school part-time) happily on my own, younnger brothers, rest of the family loves him but mother is convinced I am making the biggest mistake of my life and my parents had no problem saying “no’ when my FH went to ask for their blessing (we got engaged anyway) We’ve had several phone meltdowns (they live about three hours away) and they continue to insist they’re being “nice” by condescending to grudgingly speak to him at family functions I drag him to.
Not to drag on about me…but it always feels better to know their’s someone else in a similar situation…anyway, I’m a big sis to some twenty-somethings,too, and they have actually been pretty awesome. I called them up and got them on my side and they have kind of been working on the parents in their own way. Sort of like an adult version of an elaborate get-out-of-trouble-plot we would pull as kids. Their (surprisingly!) mature support and help has made me and my FH feel more comfortable continually inviting my parents to participate in the planning for our marriage. Perhaps your siblings could be an aid to you, as well. In the meantime, you have my deepest sympathy and continued wishes for your mother to take joy in her daugher’s choices.
Post # 6
awwww i am so sorry. that sucks that your mom doesnt understand or listen to you. i bet if you go to see them and sit down with fi and express your concerns… she will have to listen and see your side. 🙁 i hope things get better for you!!! at least your fi sounds super helpful 🙂 thats great!
Post # 7
Mothers can be so unreasonable sometimes!!
Sounds like there is something going on, and that she’s determined to make you miserable for some reason. Is she envious of you? Upset that you’re starting your own life? Resentful that you want to marry your FI even though she doesn’t want you to?
She needs some time to calm down and you need to try to reason with her. Make her understand that you don’t want to lose her, that you love her, but that she is pushing you away!
And try to keep her happy… If she wants the whole family to meet your FI, ask your brothers to be nice and come meet your FI. At least then she’ll have one less thing to be upset about, and maybe you’ll be able to have a constructive conversation!