- 5 years ago
The quick version:
Mom and my g-ma (her mom) got into a fight in 2000 over something ridiculously not worth mentioning. My g-ma hung up on my mom because she was yelling at her over the phone, and neither of them EVER spoke again. My mom also forbade my younger sister and I from going to see our g-ma (whom I was very, very close to). My mom and g-ma had issues to begin with over the way my mom was treated in her childhood (the stories greatly differ, so I am not sure what’s true, but Mom claims my g-ma was a bit abusive.) Either way, that was over 50 years ago, and my g-ma was always wonderful to her grandkids.
So we did not talk to her for about 4-5 years. Then my g-ma’s breast cancer came back and my g-pa developed prostate cancer within about 6 weeks time. My mom’s SIL called and informed her, but my mom still did not want to go see them and forbade us from doing so. My dad stayed out of it but pretty much backed up my mom. So, when I was 16 years old, I made the decision to go over and see my grandparents again. I had a car, and they had cancer. I obviously did not tell my parents I was going because obvious consequences would have applied since I lived with them. Well, they both went into remission, and I continued to see them periodically.
In late 2007, my g-pa developed lung cancer, and it spread quickly. They gave him a year to live. Again, my mom refused to go see them and told me I could not go. I continued to see them behind my mom’s back until he passed away in 2009. (my mom never saw her father before he died! She did not even have an issue with HIM, just with her mother, and because he was her husband and took her side, my mom never spoke to him again). When he died, it all “hit the fan” so to speak.
My mom found out I had been going to see them behind her back. She screamed at me for hours, and my dad intervened and defended me. She told me she hated me and to this day calls it the biggest betrayal of her life. She did not speak to me for weeks, and then when she did speak to me again, she always inserted hateful, snippy comments. I became majorly stressed during this time, passed out at school, and ended up talking to my pastor. Luckily it was senior year, and I graduated and went away to college. Things got a little better after she made me PROMISE never to see my g-ma again.
A few years went by. (I am a senior in college now). I did not speak to my g-ma my first three years at college because I was so afraid of my mom’s reaction. I finally broke down and called her this summer, when my parents were in the middle of a nasty, nasty divorce and I really just needed someone to turn to. (I was living with my parents this summer and working in my hometown.) My g-ma lives in the SAME TOWN as my parents by the way, and she took me in some weekends, let me stay with her and gave me food while my own mom was out partying with friends. I still lied to my mom about going to see her, because I knew Mom would kick me out of the house if I told her, and I needed somewhere to stay until I went back to school.
Well, I recently got engaged and have been debating if I can even invite my g-ma to the wedding. She’s been good to me. I’d finally decided I am an adult, and I should, but I planned to tell Mom after the holidays, since I have to go up and stay about a month with my mom (and work in my hometown) over Christmas Break. Well, Mom found out from a mutual friend that I’d been going to see my g-ma behind her back today (the details dont matter) and she called me and told me I can stay with my g-ma or dad over Christmas. She called me all kinds of names, told me I am a terrible person. Texted me that “Two-faced lying hypocrites make her sick.” She told me I am selfish, a horrible daughter, among many other things…She told me she doesnt even want to see me. Mom and I have not been close lately anyway- she has not been interested in my engagement at all and yelled at me for getting engaged during this traumatic time in her life when she is divorcing my dad, but this is a bit dramatic, even for her.
I am broken hearted because I just want a good rel. with both my mom and g-ma and it seems that will never happen, and I am pretty sure my mom literally HATES me now. Advice is needed, please!