My mom insists on wearing ivory to my wedding, should I just let it go?

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
4139 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013


Honestly, it seems like shes being intentionally vindictive. The thing is, getting upset about it is kind of giving her what she wants. If she shows up in white at your wedding, no one is going to think she’s the bride, it’s not going to take attention from you, it’s just going to make her look like a big ‘ol jerk. I say let her embarass herself. Or maybe she has a sister or something that could talk some sense into her. Bottom line for me, you can’t control what other people do. 

Post # 4
8678 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

If it were me, I simply wouldn’t care. Everybody could have shown up in white and I wouldn’t have cared. But I understand that my opinion on the matter is in the tiny minority, so you can take my opinion for what you will. To me, it didn’t matter what people wore, to me what truly mattered was that they were there.

Post # 5
442 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

It sounds like she is trying to get a reaction out of you. I wouldn’t worry about it at all, people will probably side-eye her for earing white to her OWN DAUGHTER’S WEDDING, but you will be so happy that you probably won’t even notice. And honestly, the only person who will look dumb by wearing a short, ivory lace dress to a wedding is your mom. 

Post # 6
496 posts
Helper bee

Just let it go, When she mentions it again just shrug and tell her she;s the one that’s going to look crazy- if that’s what makes her happy go for it.

The more reaction you give her the better she will feel about her choice so give her no reaction

Post # 7
1302 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

No, I would tell her she can’t wear white or ivory. How about champagne? That also looks good on tanned skin and is kind of a compromise.

Post # 9
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012



Oh gosh hon, I feel for you

(( HUGS ))

Clearly your Mother has CREATED a dilemma for you

And yes, say what you want she is doing this INTENTIONALLY

As she clearly knows what you wanted… and you stated it upfont… no BRIDAL WHITE SHADES and Ivory, Cream, Champagne, Blush.. these are all Bride Colours

It is very much pay back time for her… she is passively agressively turning the tables back on you… your issues with the dress she chose for you… in so much as you exerted your opinion against hers, and now she is doing the same to you

It sucks, it feels awful, and she is being just down right mean

I get that your Mom wants to look great… and so she should as the Most Honoured Guest (MOB) and I understand her want not to feel matronly… but in reality not all MOB Dresses are matronly any more… Women in their 40s, 50s, 60s and beyond are now in such good health and shape that they can rock dresses / gowns in any colour of the rainbow without looking like a 1800s School Marm

Should you speak up…

That is a tough call.  You’ll be damned if you do, and damned if you don’t

In reality I don’t think this is the first time in life you’ve had a passive agressive run in with Mom.

And so you probably know how these go… not well. Confrontation just tends to make them all the worse…

So as much as you are in the RIGHT here, and have every valid reason in the world to put your wishes out there for her to hear, it probably will a dang sight easier to just let it go.


PS… Remember the only one who is really going to look foolish here is her.  She clearly won’t be mistaken for the Bride… but she will be spoken about behind her back in a negative way as trying to “upstage her own daughter”… and sadly that will happen… and your Photos will look unbalanced as well.

I truly think what she is doing is very vindictive and cruel to you her own daughter.  Whether you tell her is up to you.


Post # 10
2915 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas

@Hyperventilate:  +1


Just let it go. It won’t matter to you on the day, and no one else will care either.

Post # 11
417 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

No way should you let it go!!!!  Its like an unwritten rule that you don’t wear white/ivory to someone else’s wedding (unless they’ve asked you to).  You’re mom should know this.  My mother said the same thing about her dress, she didn’t want to look matronly and asked if I’d have an issue with her wearing a short dress.  My mom has fantastic legs and I’ve never seen her wear a long dress so I told her to go for it and be comfortable, however, I know that she’d never in a million years pick a version of white and I know that it’ll sit around knee length.   

If your mom wants ivory lace what if you suggest she put it over another coloured material?  If she’s dead set on a light colour, ivory lace on top of a lavendar would be lovely.  That way she still gets the lace and she’s not just in ivory.  Maybe suggest the feel of your wedding indicates a dress no shorter than knee length as well.  It might be a compromise, I feel that she’s not about to let you have everything you want in this situation, which is unfortunate.  I know you said your relationship has been strained lately, but is there anyway she would want your opinion on the style of the dress?  If she did you can kind of steer her to something tasteful.

Also, if she’s doing this simply because you didn’t pick the dress that she liked that’s pretty childish.  Its your wedding day, you should wear what you want!  I didn’t pick the dress my mom liked either.  When I talked to her about it she said that now she loves the dress I chose and can’t imagine me in anything else, but she was leaning to the other one because it was more “fru fru,” more of a ballgown and more what she wishes she had, but realizes that it just wasn’t me.

Post # 12
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

@sunny_days:  She sounds like a lovely human (sarcasm)

Don’t ask her not to wear white, and don’t talk to her about the dress. She’s not going to change her mind, and you’re just going to give her amusement. She does not deserve that enjoyment!

I’m sure people will call her out on her bad taste at the wedding!

Post # 14
4163 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

No one’s going to mistake her for the bride, but still, she should know better.

Is she going to keep the girls covered? If I had to pick that battle (and I’m sorry that you’re dealing with this), I’d rather have her in ivory lace than something LOW cut.

As far as length- you’re having a summer wedding, so I would expect a shorter dress. (My MOHs, Mom, step-mom and MIL all wore short dresses.) I agree with a PP that champagne would be so much better, if you can steer her in that direction.

Post # 15
5518 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2012

You will find tons of threads on this. If it was just a random dress she found and loved I would say let it go. But she is going thruthe effort to get a dress made then yes she’s being spiteful. 

Post # 16
1719 posts
Bumble bee

I think I would let this one go.

Luckily, mothers of the bride who wear white or ivory actually do look very nice and they compliment the bride well. Style wise, I think her choice of dress sounds great. You may end up loving the way she looks when you see pictures of your day, even if her reasons behind what she wore aren’t so nice. 

I’m sorry this is happening. I hope everything works out for the best. 

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