Post # 1
I know people have posted things about not liking their family’s or friend’s SO. But I still need advice on how to go about this.
Background: My mom met this guy just over a week ago. They’ve been spending every day/night together. We met him on Friday when my cousin was visiting from out of town, and he brought 3 friends. My FI was there, along with my younger sister and her BF. So there were 8 of us in our early 20s plus mom and guy.
Mom brings guy: None of the 8 of us liked him. He called my sister weird/interesting/different, and she’s very sensitive when it comes to stuff like that and almost started crying. I told him he should probably stop talking now. Anyway, he is also quite sketchy. He does not work a “job” yet he has a brand new ferrari, along with some other vehicles and I was like okay maybe he’s just come into money or he retired early and had a great job or whatever. But then his phone kept ringing and to one person he said “no no, come, I’ll make it worth your while.” To be honest, I’ve only heard drug dealers say this. (I used to date one and he hung out with many other drug dealer types.) My cousin also overheard him on the phone and it sounded like he was threatening someone. I always give people the benefit of the doubt, but I’m doubting him a lot already.
My sister still lives with my mom (and now this guy) who’s already been spending nights there, and even has his shirts hung up in my mom’s closet. Oh and he still lives in the same house as his wife who he’s separated from.
My sister just texted me and says she feels like crying because he’s always around and my mom is so infatuated with him already. I always want my mom to be happy and this is the first person she’s dated (seriously if you can call it that) since my her and my dad divorced over 8 years ago. My sister and I, along with the 6 boys that we were with, are a little concerned about this fellow. It just seems too soon, too much, too fast and there are aspects about him (for example he’s a smoker) that my mom was always very strongly against.
I know most of you will say if she’s happy, leave her be, but I’m more worried about this sketchy parts about him…I don’t know…has anyone had to deal with a similar situation?
Post # 3
My Mom has dated tons of sketchy men and it’s scary. Are you close enough to talk to her? Is there anywhere else your sis can live? Has your mom gone through anything which would lower her self-esteem enough to date a guy like this?
Post # 4
See, when it comes to friends, there is less you can say about their choice in SOs. But when its family, and specifically you’re mother, I feel like those rules don’t apply. I may be a minority here, but I’d say something. I’m very protective of my mom. If she were in the dating world, I think I’d be over critical, which isn’t good but I admit it. However, unless there were big red flags like you’ve all seen I would try my hardest to let stuff go. In your case, I’d just respectfully/kindly sit with her and tell her what you think. She might not necessarily leave him, but she may become more aware of these glaringly obvious (to you and everyone else but not to her) red flags. Chances are she just loves the attention but she doesn’t want to harm herself or her children. Good luck!
Post # 5
I’m definitely close enough, but the problem is she cannot separate herself from this man. They are together 24/7 which is so weird because mom loves having her space. She jokingly calls herself a hermit, but it’s not really a joke, she loves to be at home, by herself.
My sister can live with my FI and I. I’m going to suggest that to her right now. The only thing I can think of is that mom hasn’t really dated much since the divorce. We think she was bored and lonely, and this new guy is “exciting” and takes her out all the time. He’s always sleeping too which is weird.
Post # 6
@jennifer_espos: I definitely agree with you. I’ve had my sister tell her (just because she knows when guy isn’t around) that I’m concerned, and I even asked her to ask him if he was a dealer. Mom laughed and said no. But I absolutely want to sit down with her and have the chance to say something.
Post # 7
It’s only been a week, but say something before it gets worse. Get her away from him by lying (it’s for a good cause). Do what you lied about and casually mention that you’re worried. See what happens.
Post # 8
I’d be careful. Weird can easily = not what I’m used to from my mom! And if/when that’s the case concern = how dare my mom live her life in new and interesting ways when I want her to stay stagnant for my comfort.
Your concerns are absolutely valid and it’s upsetting that your sister is so upset by this guy that is spending a lot of time in her home – I think it’s great that you can offer a place for your sister to stay. By the way how old is she?
And certainly what you say about his conversations etc. is suspicious but it’s also not at all conclusive.
So yes I’d express concern to your mom and ask her some questions but I would be very careful not to imply to her and not to behave as if her doing something out of character is a bad thing. Life is for the living and sometimes for the changing. It sounds like your sister is a teenager and your mom has ‘raised’ her kids – IMO a perfect time to up the excitement in her life.
Post # 9
Umm, is your mom my mom?
I’m in the EXACT same situation! Like, seriously.
Although, my mom’s been dating her BF for four years. NO ONE likes him. My mom has a history of picking bad men. Her current BF is no exception. My family is very accepting and loving. We wanted to ADORE this guy because my mom’s been through a lit and deserves to me happy with someone who loves her. We gave this guy two year’s of chances before we all pretty much formed a final opinion on him, which is that we hate him. He’s spoiled, selfish and has been nothing but disrespectful to our family. He ruined our engagement dinner that my mom flew out to throw for us by calling MR selfish and disrespectful. I cried. At our engagement dinner. He almost blew a surprise birthday party for a family member because it wasn’t exactly what HE wanted to do. But, according to my mom, he’s like, the greatest thing since God.
Point is, she’s around him all.the.time and gets so upset when he’s not invited to family gatherings. My sister still lives at home because she’s still in college, and she calls me up all the time to complain about how they ask her to leave so they can be alone. Like, hello? Are we in college? Well, my sister is, but acts more mature than those two when they’re together.
What have we done about it? We’ve spoken up, calmly and nicely said she can do better. Listed all the things he’s done to hurt all our feelings. We said our peace. She didn’t agree, and she continues to date him. What else can we do? Nothing. Because it’s my mom’s decision, and we can’t make her break up with him.
It sucks. So I completely relate. I just wanted you to know 🙂
Post # 10
Wow I can relate also, I feel bad for you. You need to tell your mom how you guys feel, but she might also feel attacked and get defensive about him, especially bc she sounds so into him. I don’t know what to tell you, but these situations suck. Thankfully your sister has you so she can move out and live with you if she can’t deal with it. Would that upset your mom if your sister were to move out? Maybe thats a wake up call that she needs? I know you just want your mom to be happy, but this sounds so wrong for her… and she’s your mother… you guys all need to come together and say something 🙁 Sorry you’re going through this, you’re definitely not alone!!
Post # 11
ahh what a relief!! I’m glad some of you other girls are going through similar situations. Well not glad, but glad you can relate!
I know that my sister is upset (she’s 21 for those of you who asked – still in college, and working fulltime), and I offered for her to come stay with my FI and I, but she said it’ll be okay. I honestly don’t know if my mom would even care if my sister moved out now. She’s so wrapped up with this guy that my sister said she’s been ignoring her. I hope my mom snaps out of it soon, but for now, I’ll say what I need to say to her, and keep my distance. I guess I’m mostly just worried that if this guy is into bad things, my mom might somehow get involved, or in trouble, just for being with him.
Thanks for your thoughts ladies, it’s always appreciated 🙂
Post # 12
I think that you are doing the right thing by talking to your mom. In the end you have to llok out for whats best for your family. Even if your mother doesnt see it now that you are trying to help her she will see it in the future.
Post # 13
OMG, I could have written your exact post. We were in almost the same situation just as I went off to college and my poor sister was stuck at home. I’m not sure I have any advice–my tactic was to just be polite to the guy and secretly hope they’d break up. If/when he did specific things that upset me/made me uncomfortable, I did try to politely/gently raise the issues with my mom, but she just wasn’t ready to see him for the creep he was. My sister’s approach was more temper tantrum oriented (not that I blame her b/c it was a terrible situation) but that didn’t work either. Luckily, after a few years, mom figured it out and broke things off. We were SO relieved. Hang in there, keep politely expressing concern, and most of all, keep supporting your sister. I hope it gets better!