Post # 1
She doesn’t like my dress style (she wants a-line, I want more fitted) and is very vocal about it, she doesn’t like my veil choice, she doesn’t understand why I want more of a nature look to my reception when she wants a traditional white look, she’s mad about the guest list b/c I asked her to cut 8 people…..and the list goes on. She’s pushy and critical and mean one minute then nice the next (but she complains to my aunts and sisters that I am totally unreasonable behind my back). Whenever I call her and tell her an idea I have she is not enthused. Last weekend she called me yelling and crying b/c I am not inviting her to my invitation appointment (she is coming to 11 other vendor appointments I have set up). I just want it to be my FI and me at one appointment! I’m so tired of it, I’m tired of her making me feel guilty, I don’t even want to include her in my vendor visits but if I don’t she will throw a fit. Is anyone else having mom problems?
Post # 3
Oh Merlot! ((Hugs)) I’m so sorry you have to go through this. Over bearing moms can be the worst!
As tough as it might be I would just remind her that the reason your doing it this way or that, or the reason you picked this thing, or that is because it’s YOUR wedding and not hers.
Once upon a time she got to plan a wedding for her self, and now it’s your turn to live your dream and have your happily ever after.
Do remind her that her opinons matter to you but in the end you’re not asking her to make the decision for you. What you need right now is a sounding board and that you really need someone to be there to listen and help right now. Not demand and push for her way.
Don’t take her to the invite meeting, you stand your ground. This is time you and your FI need together. And it might cause some ruffles in the feathers, but mama bird needs to step back and let her baby jump out of the "controled" nest for a bit.
Post # 4
Sorry I went off there with advice… – lol. You wen’t even asking about advice….lol.
Well, none the less I hope maybe it helps a little – and to answer your question…lol – my mom is the polar opposite. Doesn’t want a thing to do with anything!
And before you wish for my situation, know it’s not easy having a mom thats "eh" about it all. She’s supposed tobe all gushiny and happy and instead I get this "Send me pictures" or "I’ll see it that day" kind of attitude.
Great mom, just not into the details.
Post # 5
I appreciate the advice! Thanks 🙂
Post # 6
My mom alternates between "eh, I don’t care, do whatever, why do you even bother planning all this?" and "I HATE THE ACCORDION AND THOSE CHAIRS!!!" Good lord, there is no happiness or joy at all with her. I haven’t asked her for anything and I haven’t even shared my most stressful days with her and yet she still think I’m a bridezilla and she screams at me things like "OOOH, IT HAS TO BE THIS WAY BECAUSE YOUR WEDDING HAS TO BE PERFECT!!!" I think she has leftover resentments about her own wedding and she’s taking it out on me. It’s all so very hurtful that I really just want to exclude her from everything now. So yeah, I know exactly what you mean!
Post # 7
Merlot, is your mom contributing financially to the wedding? If she is, then I think it’s only fair that she gets some say in how the wedding goes (ie., if your parents are paying for the whole thing, they might want to see what their money is going to be spent on, and who is invited).
If she isn’t, well, then you’re certainly justified in how your money is spent, and don’t need any flak from anyone 🙂
Post # 8
They are contributing about 20%, and she does have a say in some things – i.e., their guest list is huge (people I have never met even) and she is the one who found my venue. But I don’t think she gets to decide what my dress looks like….and those are the things that she wants to control. She doing it to my sister with my shower as well. Everyone tells me to just ignore her but that is really difficult.
Post # 9
My parents are actually paying for most of the wedding. My mom tries pretty hard to be supportive, but she is opinionated. She has a tendency to tell me that I need to investigate and decide on this or that RIGHT NOW, and then disapprove of all the ideas I come up with. Sometimes she lets me know that she doesn’t think its right, that she thinks people will find it odd, that it won’t "look like anything." I have taken to discussing most things with FI first, and then forcing him to go with me when I present our ideas. That results in a sort of look (you know that look, like you have just smelled a bad smell) but less actual criticism.
My sister has actually been great about running interference for me – I think mom calls her up to complain. However, I finally had to have a little talk with my mom to tell her the same things I had told FI and my sister and my dad… mainly that its hurtful when she criticizes my decisions, and that while I really want her help with planning we need interact in a way that doesn’t result in me being in tears every other time. It was actually a big surprise to her – I think she didn’t realize how critical she was being – and how unpleasant it was getting for me – so she did just think I was trying to shut her out of the planning process (which I was, so she wouldn’t criticize). Anyway, it was a good talk and we’ll see how much actual effect it has. At least now its on the table, so I can say "See, you’re doing it again!!"
Post # 10
My mom wasn’t too initially thrilled that there was black in my wedding dress, but I said "yeah, I’m paying for it and I like it." And that was pretty much the end of the conversation.
I’m sorry that’s she’s being crazy. Can you do the whole "Ok, I’m going to listen to her and nod my head and then do what I want" thing, or would that cause more problems? I do that with mine sometimes and she forgets that she even didn’t like something when it goes out of her mind.
Don’t forget, this wedding isn’t about her (even with the whole wedding is for families thread yesterday!). This is about you and your fiance. You aren’t marrying your mother! 🙂 Good luck!
Post # 11
I always imgained that when I had any new idea for my wedding I’d call my mom and she’d be excited and say "This is how we can make it happen" but instead I call her and she say "This is why it is not happening"
The main source of our fighting is the size of the wedding, my FI and I want a lavish 50 person dinner party event with only our parents, our brothers, our grandparents and the friends we share together. My mother wants her brothers, sisters and their children at the wedding (which is an additional 42 people). It’s a constant fight, and she is suggesting that I by a cheaper dress, photographer and lesser quality food so that she can invite her family that I am not very close with. They haven’t even called to congratulate us.
She had a 400 person wedding, that’s just not us.
Post # 12
Time to set some boundaries. 🙂
Maybe you should decide which things you want her in on and then tell her straight up "I think that this wedding planning is straining our relationship and I don’t want that. I’d love your input on _____ but FI and I are going to decide on the rest. This is too stressful of a process for me to also have guilt about not including you or upsetting you. I’m sure you agree that our relationship is more important than the details of the wedding, and I think this is the best way for us to keep that good."
Post # 13
I am having the same issues with my mom. I’m 36 (will be 37 before the wedding) and haven’t taken a cent from them in 10 years . . . now they’re paying for like 75% of the wedding (incidentally, they paid for 100% of my sister’s very lavish wedding, so I’m getting penalized for being successful), so suddenly I have to take their wants into consideration again.
Here are some of the choice comments I’ve gotten:
– in response to my choice of chiffon bm dresses: "Chiffon makes everyone look fat."
– said to my father after my invitation proofs came out: "I was pleasantly surprised that they were nice." As if I couldn’t make something nice by myself!
– when I said I wanted the linens to be in the wedding colors: "It’s going to look like a Sweet 16, minus the balloons."
The list goes on and on. Meanwhile, during this process I’ve been working 10 to 12 hour days, my fiance and I have been carrying on a long-distance relationship since he lives in Washington, and various and sundry difficult issues have come up in my personal life. And when I complain about this, or state that I can’t get something done by her deadline, she tells me that she has no sympathy for me, that I’m the one stressing myself out bc I don’t pick whatever choice is in front of me the first time we go looking at something. Oh, and she’s sick of hearing how stressed I am.
Meanwhile, she gets stressed if she books a manicure and a dinner on the same day!
So I hear ya sister! And it feels great to vent, albeit anonymously!
Post # 14
yeah im having a HUGE "mom problem"—- she passed away in 2004 and is not here to "drive me crazy"
i am sitting here smiling b/c i sooo know she would be patting my little tummy – her non-verbal sign that i need to do more crunches!
i cry sometimes b/c i miss her so much and wish she was here driving me crazy
Post # 15
My wife had similar experiences with her mom. We took the "kill her with kindness" approach.
At nearly every decision/conflict, just tell your mom that you love her dearly, and even if it would look better her way, you just won’t be fully excited unless it’s how you are imagining it. Ask her lovingly if she wants it to look better her way or how you imagined it your way? Say it in an assertive way but with love behind it. Never walk into the combat that she might be inviting you into. It takes two to tango and people can only argue with themselves so much. If she wants to throw a litte tantrum, just let her. Say "I love you, but this is how I imagined my wedding." If she throws a fit just wrap your arms around her and say "I love how much you care about my wedding day!" and then add in a sweet sort of way that you gotta do it your way 🙂 She won’t be able to argue with herself for too long 🙂 Hope that helps!
Post # 16
One last thing… my mom told me when I wanted to grow my hair long as a young wannabe little rocker,
"you can grow your hair out but you cannot get upset at others for not liking your long hair or for thinking you might be a hoodlum. The day that happens your hair is gone."
Think of it the same way. You can choose it your way but she is allowed to not like it. Now she shouldn’t constantly be negative either, but you can only control you, right 🙂