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Wow sorry for the long post - I didn't realize how long it was until I hit submit!
HUGS
I completely understand where you are coming from with this one. I have a momzilla on my hands who has been laying on the guilt-THICK! I have learned over the last month that I have been engaged that you really have to stand your ground and stand up for what you want. MY FI and I have reached out to a lot of people while dealing with both of my parents and their asinine demands for our wedding planning and have gotten the same advice from each and every one of them- It's your day. You need to make it meaningful for you and your FI. If you change your wants to appease your mother, you will look back and it won't be your day, it will be hers.
The bees all have great advice for dealing with all of this. Check out my momzilla posts... super helpful.
Good luck!
You should do what makes you happy. You should tell your mother that this is your wedding and that your feelings are important and that she needs to respect them. Be firm and calm and then do not engage in further discussion. She is not the center of attention, you are. I am so sorry that you have to deal with all of this craziness from someone who is supposed to be supporting you and making you feel special. If there is anyone in your family who could talk sense into, that would be a good idea.
I think you are right that no matter what you do your mom will find SOMETHING to cry about (literally) for your wedding. I would stick to your guns! Let your dad (and only your dad) walk you down the aisle. Have your B-party with just your BMs! (I would feel awkward if my mom was hanging out with me and my friends...ever.) And DON'T buy a stupid brooch that she won't care about an hour after the ceremony. Stick to your wedding vision!
Some ideas to maybe help appease her?
I'd say you should explain to her how much she means to you, but do things your way. If you're like me, I will only do this once (get married that is). Explain to her that although her ideas are appreciated, you want this day to be about you and your FI and you feel like her opinions are clouding out what YOU want. I'd say put on some earphones or drive a different car next time, and change the subject when she starts to get this way. You need to be the one to set boundaries here because she obviously doesn't have any.
Good Luck,
Bella
I'm so sorry you're dealing with so much. It sounds difficult and stressful. Coming from an outside perspective, my advice is to do whatever it is you TRULY want. For no motive other than to make you happy. Its unfortunate that you have no idea what could set your Mother off, but you deserve to have a special experience. Try not to feel guilty.
Wedding are really, really difficult, especially for brides and moms...nd ESPECIALLY for moms with depression/anxiety. My heart really goes out to you! My mom deals with depression and anxiety too, but she has been seeing a really good therapist, so she generally is able to keep herself in check. I totally understand where you are coming from with the guilt though. It is SO hard to deal with guilt from your mom and you are dealing with you own struggles right now. One thing that I have learned is that there is nothing that you can EVER do to "make it better". Even if you bent over backwards to include your mom in everything, even if you let her plan the entire wedding, there will always be SOMETHING to upset her. Heres the thing, while you cannot control how your mom feels, you can control how you react. You do not need to feel guilty. Making your own decisions about you wedding is part of the process of growing up and becoming your own person. It would be totally innappropriate for you mom to come to your bachelorette party. While I can understand her desire to walk you down the asile, perhapes you could give her something else to do as part of the ceramony, maybe she would meet you near the end of the asile and you could give her a single flower to carry back to her seat? A symbole that she will always carry a part of you within her heart? Just remember that these are your mom's issues, they are not your issues. Be understanding, be loving, but do not feel that you need to comprimise your own values for hers.
Do you have any siblings that could talk to her or any of her siblings or friends to explain how bachelorette parties work or on giving you some freedom for your wedding. My mom thankfully backed off big for my wedding. We had a minor guilt attack because she found a dress at a good price that looked really good on - the one problem was I looked like a Cinderella, which really isn't my style - nice dress but not me, and I just could imagine my husband laughing when he saw me and ask where my talking mice were. Well to her that was the PERFECT dress and I just didn't like it because she liked it and I was just saying I didn't like it to hurt her and she thought I was over that teenage sort of stuff (even though I said I liked the way it looked I just felt like I was playing dress up in it instead of looking like a dressier version of myself). I stood my ground, which I don't always do, but also had my sisters talk to her and that seemed to work. Some of her other ideas I went with some I didn't but my sisters were really great about minimizing the guilt trip damage when we disagreed about how things should be done.
I think you need to put your foot down and do what you want to. Nothing you are doing is unreasonable or uncustomary for a wedding. You're including her in a lot of things, and she needs to deal with it. I would, firmly, but politely, tell her how things are going to be. I'd give her the reasons, and then let it be. Maybe have someone appointed to pull her aside if she gets upsest on the wedding day, so you are not the one to deal with it. There's a point where it is just too much and you have to put yourself first. My mom has some issues and we've had a very on-again off -again relationship because she refuses to face the problems and I have a hard time giving in over and over again to her about important things. This is your day, you've done more than enough to include her and not make her feel excluded, and now it's time for her to be an adult and get over it.
By the way, it is very commendable how you are taking her feelings into consideration when you are making your decisions when she is not making an effort to do the same. She is lucky to have a daughter like you!
I am SO with you on this one. My mother is paying for my entire wedding. My dad is a huge part of my life, he just doesn't really have the fund right now to help with wedding stuff, which I am totally fine with, BUT my mother is not. She also thinks its a GREAT idea to have her and my dad walk me down the aisle, although I haven't given in on that issue. but she did decide about 2 weeks ago that she WOULD NOT be paying for anything that was associated with my dad (they HATE each other) anyways, she just decided to have the invites printed without my dads name on them which cause a HUGE fight and hurt my dads feelings. and there are just SOO many other things.
As much as I want to say, "stick to your guns, its YOUR wedding" I really cant. I have definitely given in to a lot of my moms requests, mainly because yes its MY wedding but I of course want my mom to be happy too and its not worth it to ruin my relationship with my mom. So, since I KNOW there are certain things that my mom will not give up on, I just give in on a few things and the REALLY important ones I stand my ground on. Such as my dad being the only one to walk me down the aisle. That WILL happen, and she will have to suck it up because I let her do what she wanted with the invitations. I have just found that I can get over things alot quicker and easier than my mom. So, I give in on certain things and everyone ends up happy... for the most part.
I really hope everything works out for you. Things seem to keep getting worse on my end :( keep your head up and know that in the end the only thing that REALLY matters is that you get to marry the man you love, all the other crap will melt away!
Thanks for all of your encouragement, everyone. I have moments where I have my doubts and wonder if I'm being unreasonable (aka, moments where the guilt really gets to me) and I have expected all of the responses to be "wow, you are an unappreciative b*tch"...so it was really nice to feel somewhat validated. Thank you.
This is not a new issue with my mom. She had cancer when I was a kid, and after she pulled through, if I ever slightly misbehaved (which hardly ever happened, I was always teased for being such a goody two shoes) she'd say things like "I'm so sorry to disappoint you by surviving cancer, Im sure you'd be happier if I had died." After the financial pressures of the wedding, I am considering seeking counseling to figure out how to deal with the guilt she makes me feel, but in the meantime, I just want to enjoy my wedding!
@AlmostMrs.Hamilton, it was helpful to hear your perspective - you're right, as much as I appreciate the advice to stick to my guns, it just doesn't feel possible for me. In the end, sometimes when I stick to my guns, it makes things worse for ME because she makes me so miserable. I send her an email kindly explaining my decision about not wearing the brooch, and here are some fantastic one-liners in her response:
"Some girls don’t mind doing a little something that just makes it for their mom."
"Seems to me, everything I’ve wanted, has gone by the wayside."
"I shouldn’t give my opinion or hopes or desires."
"I really need to just sit in the church and keep my head low."
"Somehow, the mom being happy doesn’t matter."
I guess I just don't understand why my choice of accessories makes her so unhappy. Its not what she would choose to wear, but I guess I thought this was up to me? And I've definitely taken a lot of her input - she's helped a ton with the decor, the invitations, and everything else. I chose my flowers based on what she likes, I amended the guest list to include people she wanted, I chose the ushers and readers that she wanted me to choose...she can only see the parts that didn't go her way and takes everything personally.
I just want it to be over, and I hate feeling that way.
My mom is a crazy one too! As a matter of fact she just asked me if she can skip the rehearsal dinner because she's not Catholic, what tha????? I told her she needs to go because she is walking me down the aisle and its important, plus I dont want to embarrass her or myself. Then a couple wks ago we got into a big fight after my bridal shower, she said she doesnt believe in weddings and was just being so negative so I just told her off, I told her if she doesnt have anything nice to say about my wedding, please do not say anything at all. Now when I talk to her, instead of yelling or getting pissed, I just calmly deal with it in a mature matter because I know nothing will change her, she is the way she is and I just have to deal with it justly.
I'm more inclined to support Rosiebear's point of view. Although you feel compelled to at least give into some of your mom's desires, the situation you're dealing with is something entirely different. This simply isn't a case of her being a momzilla and making wedding planning hell w/their controlling nature. It's an entirely different beast... if you don't mind me making that analogy. It must be soooo hard for you to deal with this since you really do love your mother.
Even if get the broach, or let her walk you down the isle, or invite her to the bachelorette party it will not make your mother's behavior change whatsoever. Sure, she may get off your back if you let her walk you down the isle but there will be more things that make her "unhappy" that'll pop up. You'll never be able to appease her b/c of the fact that she rests so much on other people for her happiness (well, except for herself).
Just becuase your mother has dealt with life long depression does not mean that you can't establish boundaries/expectations in your relationship with her. Her depression isn't a pass go card for her to behave this way and it's not unreasonable for you to ask her to take some accountability for herself and her actions. Her making you miserable is not fair. Her deperssion may be causing her to act this way but it doesn't mean that she's unaware of her actions. Just her sense of perspective/reality is a lot different then yours.
I've been going through a lot of this due to a friendship I had with a bride who suffers from depression (I've spoken about it in prior posts on this board... I was BM and decided to step down). The whole ordeal made me realize how important it was to make sure that I didn't lose sight of what was in my interest sinstead of being a prop to make sure someone else was happy.
My mom is doing the exact same thing. There have been times where I'm like "Omg, I will just give in, make her happy. I CANNOT deal with this anymore." But to me, the "fight" is worth it to get what I want. My mom is not going to honestly be happy until I'm walking down the aisle. It's really just who she is. She is used to having control and now that she doesn't, she's upset. Stay strong!
I have the exact opposite situation (my mom is totally uninvolved and barely offers an opinion), so I'm sorry I don't have much advice. The ladies above have given some great advice though, better than I could have thought of. I just wanted to offer you some huge ((HUGS)) and I hope everything gets sorted out soon. I'm sorry your planning isn't everything you wanted it to be and your mom is making you miserable. You're stuck in a really hard spot. Can you ask your Dad to be in charge of keeping her calm and away from you on the wedding day (and month preceding?!)? Maybe give her a "special job" to make her feel important and useful? That's what I'm doing with my crazy future stepmother in law.
Thanks for everyone's suggestions. I sent her a really nice email explaining that I didn't want to wear the brooch because it just doesn't feel ME and I can't afford it. She wrote me back saying she spent all of yesterday crying after reading my email.
She spent all day crying because I don't want to wear a brooch?
I am just so exhausted. I know that I shouldn't let it get to me but I care very much about my mother and want her to be happy. I feel like I'm the cause of her unhappiness (even though I know I'm not doing anything wrong.) Deep down, I really just wish she didn't have to be a part of this - of course I would NEVER say that to her, but I'm completely losing sight of why I'm getting married. I just wish she felt happy that I feel beautiful in my dress - even though its not what she would choose for herself. I wish she felt happy that I get to have a fun night out with my girlfriends for my bachelorette party - even though she doesn't get to be there. And I wish she noticed how hard I'm trying to make this special for her - even though its my day.
Whatever is the cause of her unhappiness, you and the brooch are not it.
I'd really suggest you find a nonthreatening go-between. Her mom, a sister, a close friend, your dad. Someone so these disagreements aren't just between you two and she can hash it out with someone else and maybe see how she's not being reasonable and your decisions aren't a direct attack on her.
She's using your sympathy to manipulate you. I'm the oldest and my mom does it to me regularly because she knows it works and she can get her way by doing it. But she doesn't do it with my younger sisters because it doesn't work with them. You need to find someone who she trusts but still knows how to stand up to her. I don't think I'm ever going to know how to stand up to my mom without major guilt trips but I know who to call when it happens.
Troubled is right... it's her unhappiness is certainly not being cause by you or your wedding. It doesn't look like she's willing to take the approriate steps to change her life and behaviors so that she can get out of her depression. It's rather concerning that she won't seek any councelling despite her serious psychological issues. Her hebavior is really taking a toll on you... even pushing you down and sucking you into her world. Stay strong and seriously start setting boundaries. Don't be afraid to be honest with her in letting you know how you feel or how her behavior effects you. You can still love, care about her and support her while keeping your sanity.
Many times you feel helpless b/c nothing you do can make things better. Also loved ones of people who are depressed simply accept their behavior b/c they don't know what else to do. Many hugs to you.... ((HUGS))
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My mom and I have a really difficult relationship. I love her dearly (and I do know that she loves me), but we are really different. We've always had trouble getting along, and the wedding is just making it worse. She also has some emotional problems that she refuses to deal with (she's been on medication for depression in the past, but has stopped taking it because of the physical side effects, and she will not agree to counseling.) I'm struggling because I really want to enjoy my wedding, and am so worried she'll ruin it (she's already made the planning process a living hell.) Here is just a sampling of the issues we've been dealing with:
-In my culture/religion, it is customary for the father to walk the bride down the aisle. My mom discovered the jewish tradition of both parents walking down the aisle, and ever since has been laying on the guilt trip hardcore about how awful of a daughter I am for not asking her (I had never heard of doing it that way until she started freaking out at me about it.)
-My bachelorette party is being thrown by my sister, cousin, and 4 closest girlfriends. We're doing a night out on the town and sleepover. I'm doing a lot of things during the wedding week that include my mom (for example, I'm staying with her the night before the wedding instead of with my bridesmaids, which is what I WANTED to do), but want to keep the b-party as just us young girls. My mom is completely emotional, angry, and hurt by the fact that she is not invited.
-My mom has a very dramatic style and loves "bling" - but I tend to go for the simple/elegant look. I chose a dress that had the option of adding a sparkly brooch or not, and I chose not to include it because its more my style, and I want to feel "me" on my wedding day. During the 3 hour car ride home from the dress shop, my mom sobbed and yelled at me about how it was so important to her that I wear the brooch, and how I probably chose not to have it just to hurt her. Now, 6 months later, she is still insisting that I buy a brooch to "jazz" up the dress because she'll be SO SAD if my dress is plain and boring.
My dilemma is that I really want to enjoy my wedding day, and not have regrets. However, I honestly don't know what I'll regret more - doing what she wanted to keep her happy, or doing what I wanted and ending up in a huge fight and feeling guilty/horrible on my wedding day. I'm tempted to do whatever she wants because it decreases the chance of blow-up fights with her on my wedding day (which I definitely don't want.) However, there are no guarantees that doing what she wants will make her happy - she might just find something else to be upset about and we'll STILL fight, and I won't get to have my night out with my girlfriends or my moment walking down the aisle with my Dad. I have tried to think of things to do to compromise and still honor her and involve her, but its just never enough. I'm so much more worried about her happiness on my wedding day than my own, and that just feels wrong.