My Mom is Ruining my wedding!

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
5481 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’d tell her to keep her money AND her opinions.  She can stuff them… elsewhere.

Post # 5
Member
1639 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@des1982:  Move your date to accomidate what you and your FI can pay. Money is a gift, not a tool to control a wedding.

Tell her you appreciate her money but you don’t appreciate her trying to take over your day. She will probaby get made and throw around the “B” word (Bridezilla) but you are entitled to the wedding you want.

When you book venues, make sure you have them only talk to you or your FI.  Only.

Be vague on your wedding plans with her and make the day of your dreams. Learn at art of “mm hmm”, “we have already decided on that” or “you will see at the wedding”.

Post # 6
Member
1639 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@des1982:  Don’t give in to emotional blackmail!!!!!!!!!!

Post # 7
Member
499 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Listen, you can continue to listen to what your mom deems wrong or right, but you are free to do whatever you want at your wedding.  My mom had a lot of opinions too on several aspects of my wedding, but I learned pretty quickly to stop involving her in certain processes. Rather than involve her in the beginning aspects of your wedding planning, make your own decisions and then SHARE them with her. At that point it will already be done and there will be little else she can do about it.  In my case, my mother’s involvement was also adding a lot of unnesseary swirl- she kept asking the same questions over and over again creating confusion and stress. I’d have already taken care of things and she’s ASK again about it.  Understand that she’s excited for you and wants to be involved, so give her some things to do. Helping you get ready or manning the guest book/making the guest book don’t seem too unreasonable. 

Regarding the money, know that accepting money from ANYONE never comes without terms. Either you take her money and take her input or you wait it out and handle the costs yourself for peace of mind.

Post # 8
Member
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

You need to put your foot down. PP was right- she is blackmailing you by crying and being dramatic. Tell her you aren’t going to use her money. The end. AND DON”T GIVE IN LATER.

Plan what you want and how you want and invite her like any other guest.

That, or elope.

Post # 9
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Why do you think, in her heart, she’s doing this?

When you are being completely honest with yourself, how are you reacting to her? With pateince and love, or with frustration and resentment?

I see a woman who wants to be involved, and wants to help you the best she can. Of course she can’t do all of that stuff, but she wants to.

You could try to find ways to involve her while gently letting her know that you’ve got things under control, and this is her day to enjoy as well.  Point out everything that she’s suggesting she take on and tell her with love that you want your mom by your side, not running around doing things you could have other people doing.

Try to be sensitive to her issues with alcohol. Anyone whose had an alcoholic in their life will tell you that it can make it a special kind of hell, and perhaps that’s why after 30 years it’s still an issue with her. Again, a simple reassurance that the bartenders will be careful to not overserve the guests, and that you’ll have people who can make sure those who need them get into cabs and home safe and sound might be all she needs to hear.  In some jurisdictions, host can be held legally responsible for what happens to folks after they leave their parties.

Anyhow, you know her, yourself, and your relationship with her better than a bunch of strangers on the interent.  My only advice is to try to be patient with her, and gracious, because chances are, she really only wants to help and do anything she can for you.  It’s often easier to put a bit more effort into framing our responses to people that are like that, and figuring out what they are genuinely asking for and needing, and responding in a way that placates them a bit, than it is to say what we really think/feel and deal with the drama and hard feeling after the fact.

Good luck.

Post # 10
Member
1565 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Don’t accept her money and stop talking about wedding things with her. If she asks just tell her: “oh i have everything under control”

again…

DO

NOT

ACCEPT

HER

MONEY

Post # 11
Member
3773 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

There are 2 choices here

1. Continue talking to your mom about every detail of the wedding, let her cut them down, and then end up with a wedding you hate.

or

2. Plan the wedding between you and your fiance. Pay for the wedding yourselves and include her in the things you want her opinion/input on. There is a difference between involvoing her and letting her plan the entire thing.

If you don’t take control of your wedding I see many posts about the menu, guest list, etc. in your future.

Post # 13
Member
4664 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I was in a situation very much like this in the beginning of planning… we eventually scaled down the event to what we could afford — not much, but very intimate and fine for us — and we STILL get guff from the people involved about shrinking it. We just wanted to remove outside involvement by people like the mom you describe.

A lot of what she’s saying is emotional manipulation and likely empty threats. The attitude you want to take is patient-but-firm.

FI and I would rather elope than have the kind of wedding your mom (and my fmil) would like, so we kept eloping in our back pocket and brought it out whenever she got unreasonable. (“Listen, we really aren’t comfortable with that, and all this stress is making us consider eloping.” It wasn’t a lie.) Don’t use it if you aren’t willing to follow through. We almost did before we realized we could host maybe 45 people on our dime alone and decided to go that route.

Post # 14
Member
563 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I know EXACTLY how you feel.

Keep in mind she really just wants the best for you… but she fails to realize that you have your own ideas and are mature and smart enough to execute them. My mom and I have the same type of disagreements. If you could pay for this on your own, I would. Otherwise if shes footing it, you have to figure out a compromise.

Post # 16
Member
1019 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

uh oh, momzilla! I think.. that really sucks, but like PPs have said, you need to stand your ground here.. it’s your day, not hers

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