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God I hope thats not where I'm headed with mi madre. She's been doing all sorts of research and wakes up in the middle of the night thinking about little details. She hasn't turned MOBridezilla just yet...
So far I've kinda just let her have her way because I really don't have an opinion on a lot of the silly things (shade of blue for the marbles in the vases for example) The thing is she gets frustrated when I'm as involved. Lately I've just delegated projects to her, the slideshow, the table settings, pew decorations. Its been working so far.
Who's paying for the wedding? she may want say if she's forkin over the cash.
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No advice, but there's definitely sympathy and commiseration over on indiebride =P Lots of people trying to deal with all kinds of family/wedding issues: http://kvetch.indiebride.com/index.php?t=thread&frm_id=14&rid=12131&S=7ed91c3b9e6115c4862b6eea44c74575
It's craziness!
My mom was about the same at the start. No idea that wasn't hers was any good - every idea that was mine was just crazy. It helped a lot to make decisions with DH, and then present them to her as what WE wanted (rather than what I was thinking about). I also shamelessly made him go along with me to show her things that I thought she was really going to hate - as she is much less prone to being critical when he is in the room!
In the end, we used quite a few of her ideas - although we changed most of them at least a little. And we just went ahead with the ideas of our own that she hated, and she actually ended up loving (or at least liking) most of them.
The question about money is a good one. My parents actually paid for most of the wedding, which meant that my mom wrote most of the checks. However, since I knew from the start that she has a tendency to use money as control, we basically planned a wedding that we could afford, and scaled up a little based on her offer to help financially. So when I decided that I wanted specific invitations or whatever, I would show her what we had come up with, make changes (or not) based on her input, and then order them myself. I figured that when they came, she could either write me a check or not. In the vast majority of cases she did.
I actually think that she was just worried - she had a hard time visualizing the things I described to her, and so she probably didn't know what they would end up looking like. Case in point - she thought our invitation color scheme (with two colors of ink, neither of which was black) was just crazy and would look terrible. When she actually saw the invitations, she liked them a lot. So really the issue was a lack of imagination - and her being afraid that we would spend a lot of money on something that wouldn't turn out nice.
Anyway, big hugs from me, and I hope you can use any of my experience to manage your mom through this. She's just nervous too. But it is YOUR wedding, which means that even if she is helping to pay for it, she doesn't get to make all the decisions.
My mom is not contributing, so I've dodged that bullet. I get to politely say, "Oh, yeah we're not inviting that person" or "Sorry, we already decided that."
This is the best thing that could have happened for me! Our relationship is better than ever because of it :)
It was hard for me to say no to my grandmother, who doubles as a mother to me. In the end, I had some retro-fabulous decorations at my wedding, and even had to switch from my original Wai-Ching gown to a "real one." Even though it really hurt me, it hurt her even more that the only granddaughter she'd probably see get married wasn't doing things traditionally.
It's your wedding, you should have the final say, but if you have to, try to compromise with your mummy. The drama is not worth it.
My Mother is the same way. She tries to play it off by calling herself "Martyr Mom". For things like, "Oh..my daughter is getting married outside and far away from home"; "Oh...my daughter is not planning her wedding for a whole year. She is making me do it in a 5 mths";" Not having the ceremony in the church you grew up in will hurt your father.". By the way, my mom is a southern drama queen socilalite who can yield guilt better than any catholic priest.
Now the situation is tricky b/c my parents want to pay for the wedding and I cant afford to pay. My FH and I could swing a very small informal event. I suggested this to my parents and they told me I was insulting them. They want to pay for it and give me and my FH a beautiful wedding. Here are some of the controlling things my mother has done: My mother discarded my invitation pick and picked out ones she liked better. My mother told me to change one of my wedding colors from blue (my fav) to a coral to go with our fall wedding. None of the things she has changed are for the worse. And I am overwhelmed by all of the decisions. Here is another example My florist, who I really like, is for the brides and told my mother. A few minutes afterwards, my mother turned to the florist and told her not to worry about the budget. My mother jokes with me about this being her wedding and how I can have my daughters wedding. yeah....she has said that multiple times.
My MOH asks me what she can do to help me with the wedding and all I can say is keep my mother calm and happy. So..here is how I am handling it b/c it is not worth the drama and she is motivated to help b/c she wants it to be nice. I am saying " Yes, ma'am". And reminding myself that all that matters is that I am getting married to a great man and there will be a fun party with people that love us there. As a cautionary measure, I am having some of her friends at the party, who I can pull aside and tell to take care of her.
Good luck with your mother. This is the reason I went with a short engagement b/c a long engagment would only mean drawing this out. I picked all the vendors and the first draft of wedding items. I am letting her refine this but trying to keep it on the same vein.
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Sigh. It seems like from reading these and all the posts on indiebride, that this isn't an uncommon thing. I"m so frustrated. Right now I am waiting on an email from her explaining what she is upset about now. I am afraid that if it has to do with the wedding I am just going to be like "call it off!"
my mom has some momzilla tendencies too. just right now i'm getting emails from her about guests she wants to invite (invite were sent a month ago, the wedding is in a month.) seriously?
i would suggest not doing what i tend to do, which is become a bridezilla to counteract her craziness. i really don't want to fight with her, because i know she's just excited and she loves me. but i get so frustrated...
maybe you can try talking to her about what she's doing to her? when i've been able to patiently explain how i feel, about how something isn't important to me, or how she's making me feel, she understands. (i just have to do this for every issue that comes up...) maybe your mom would listen to that too?
Wow I think I am almost lucky that my mom has no desire to control or pick anything for the wedding. She actually wanted me to just have a small family wedding because she dreads seeing my father's family after all these years (they are divorced). I have still used her as a souding board and asked her opinions on certain things -- invitations, dresses, etc. And she did come into town to dress shop with me. but otherwise she could care less what I chose to do, and does not view this as her wedding or even a reflection of her. She wasn't even inviting anyone to the wedding, but then I decided to invite a couple of her friends and relatives and she agreed. She an academic and i guess thinks party planning is silly or something.
@NorthCarolinaBride2B: My mom is the same way, i.e. the complete opposite of a momzilla. She thinks weddings are ridiculous-"how could you spend so much money on one day" she says. She has said she will give me some money for either the wedding or a house down payment and I can do what I want with it. It's hard though because when I mention that I"m going to look at wedding things, she really isn't interested. I guess you can get one or the other!
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@ Kara. I agree, it has bothered me a little that she's been so blase (sp?) about the whole thing and doesn't seem that interested in the details or planning. To make it even harder, she called me crying at one point saying that she felt she wasn't being included or helping at all. Of course i told her that wasn't the case at all and she had been a big help. She lives out of town so its hard to include her. To make matters worse, the wedding is in the town where my dad and stepmom live, so my stepmom has actually been helping the most, hooking me up with local vendors and going with me to appointments when I'm in town. So i'm sure that makes my mom feel even more useless. But I'm not going to let it get me down. I'm just focusing on thepositive and trying to enjoy this once i a lifetime experience
@NorthCarolinaBride2B: That is rough that she is not so interested, but then wants to be included. I'm guessing just talking about what you've been looking at etc, might help? My mother's reaction makes me want to just exclude her from the planning all together...but what fun is that? *sigh* I just need to enjoy myself, right? My FMIL has enough excitement for her and my mom put together!
Yep, just try not to let other people's baggage drag you down. Yoru mother may regret later not being involved. I hope mine doesn't. She has alot going on in her life right now, and is not exactly stable emotionally, so I don't hold it against her for not participating. Like I keep saying, just focus on the positive and be happy for the good things! GOOD LUCK
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We are still 3 months away from the wedding and already my mom has turned into the bridezilla. This whole time I have wanted to stay laid back and grounded and relaxed which I think I have achieved and its getting harder and harder with my mom freaking out about every little thing. She gets her feelings hurt whenever I don't want the same things she does and interprets it as me being a difficult bride. She is even trying to find sympathy with her friends about her bridezilla daughter. This just isn't worth it to me. Would it be ridiculous just to let her take over and do her thing to save our relationship? Dealing with my overzealous mom is the worst part about planning this wedding!