Post # 1
Ok, a bit of history. I come from a Catholic background, but now am somewhat lapsed, attending another church most of the time. I go regularly and still pray. My fiance is not Catholic.
My mom and I are generally close, my leaving the church is our major source of conflict. My mother is totally irrational concerning this. She gives me a harder time than my sister, who is still “Catholic” but barely goes for mass. at all.
Regarding my wedding, we’re already having it in a catholic church simply to please my mother. Since my Fiance is not Catholic, and I barely am anymore, we opted for a Nuptual Ceremony and not a mass. It’s still equally valid in the church.
On finding out my mother started yelling about boycotting the wedding and hung up on me,now not taking my calls.
I’m so tired of this, honestly. I’ve been bending over backwards to please my mother in this. Two outfit changes at the reception (African outfits, one from my side and one from his), which means I dance less at my own party.
I’m African to the bone, and I love my mother to death, but I’m so tired of this.
Post # 3
@SweetBug: My mom tries to pull stuff like this constantly. I wouldn’t let it better me. Its your wedding and you should do what you want
Post # 4
@SweetBug: She is being unreasonable and attempting to control you. You have not done anything wrong. In the end, she will not miss your wedding. She knows she’d regret missing it for the rest of her life, so she’ll show up. Ignore her little fit, because responding to it plays into her game. She is acting like a child right now, but she will come around.
Post # 5
Honestly? Just shrug it off. I doubt she means that she won’t come, and it’s pretty sad that she’s upset because your wedding isn’t what she wants.
I was worried about this with some of our family members, actually. We have some very religious people in our family, while DH and I are both Agnostic/atheists. We chose a completely secular/Celtic-based ceremony, no mention of God, no prayers, no meal blessing at the reception, nothing–we had a very short ceremony with secular music and a handfasting. Not one person commented on that, other than telling us that it was beautiful. I was so ready to steel myself against comments, especially from one of the grandmothers or older relatives, and all we heard was that it was the best wedding ever and so beautiful. The person I was most worried about sought me out to tell me that.
Anyway, I would just tell keep telling her (when she decides to be an adult and speak to you again) that you’re sorry that she’s upset and that you hope that she will come to see her daughter marry the man she loves and leave it at that.
Post # 6
My friend who is Catholic and married a non-Catholic was basically told by her priest that they prefer couples like that to not do the full mass. I’m not sure that that is the belief of all but could you possibly have your priest reach out to her?
Regardless of how nuts she is acting I know it’s not easy to just ignore this, it’s your MOM. Maybe having a priest talk to her would get her to see her insanity. You will still receive the sacrament, your marriage is still recognized in the church, the only difference is you won’t be alienating your FH’s family.
Post # 7
Your mother is very wrong. Since your FI is not even catholic, you shoulld NOT have a full mass as he would not be able to receive communion! Perhaps you could have your priest explain this to your mother? She might accept it from a prieven if she doesn’t believe you.
Post # 8
Thank you all for your responses.
@red_rose: @vorpalette: and @cora_123: I recognize it is about control. I’m so angry at her right now. I’ll give it a bit of a cooling period before talking to her. I feel she will continue to try and control me forever if I let her.
@FLBlonde93: and @Ninteenthchance: I think I’ll try to talk to her parish priest so he can talk to her.
Thank you all for the support.
Post # 9
OK. Firstly, a mixed marriage requires a separate dispensation to have a full mass at all. It is suggested that the wedding takes the form you have suggested…. a wedding without a mass. Such a ceremony is considered to be equally sacred by the church.
I know this because I had similar issues with FMIL! In the end, I realised that she didn’t know what a wedding with no nuptual mass contained. She thought it was devoid of religious content, so we showed her the order of service and she was appeased.
Perhaps you could suggest that you design the service with your mother? But I think you do have to put your foot down on this.
Post # 10
I am sorry you are going through this! Hopefully you mom will see that the main difference is the Liturgy of the Eucharist. From our marriage prep, the priest had suggested that most inter-faith couples or couples that expect mostly non-Catholics should go without the full mass since it is still a valid marriage recognized by the church. We only opted for a full mass since we are both practicing and because it was important to us but I think that’s the key…going with what is important to you! You are already making a great compromise and honoring your mom’s beliefs by getting married in the Catholic church.
I am wondering if she is aware that it is still the Rite of Marriage and contains mostly the same elements? I think a lot of people may assume that the only way to get married is to have the full mass since interfaith marriages were probably less common for our parents’ generation.
I agree with PPs that maybe if the priest talks to her, that would help.
Post # 11
@mrspizanotobe: Thanks so much.
So I spoke with her Parish priest and he spoke with her today. She called me, she’s calmer now. I’m glad this is over but I think I’ll be careful with information from now on.
Post # 12
@SweetBug: I’m glad everything worked out! On the same boat but will let them decide if they want to attend or not.
Post # 13
@SweetBug I am so happy things are improving! Wedding planning can get stressful but I keep trying to refocus on the marriage aspect and get excited again.
Post # 14
@BeeRod527: I’m sorry you’re going through such things. It’s really hard and hurtful. I really hope it works out for you.
Post # 15
@mrspizanotobe: Thanks. I’m also trying to focus on the joyful aspects of the planning as well.
Post # 16
Just curious … what would happen if you called her bluff? “ok, mom, that’s cool. I will send you a post card from the honeymoon.”
I often wonder, are the dramatics of saying something like “I am not coming to your wedding!” simply antics to get what they want? I can’t imagine she would miss your wedding … and it is YOUR wedding. YOURS.