My Mom is Upset About the Church

posted 2 years ago in Weddingbee
Post # 2
Member
8426 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

wondering8986:  Would it be an option to pay for the wedding yourselves?

Post # 3
Member
8707 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

The problem with taking money from other people is that more times than not, it comes with strings. If your mother is paying, she has more of a say. If you find this unacceptable, I say you kindly return her money and pay for your venue yourself.

Post # 4
Member
1793 posts
Buzzing bee

Your FI needs to trump mom here.  In the Catholic faith if you are not married in the church your marriage is not recognized/valid in their eyes.  This is one of the sacraments and that is a big deal!  Also, your FI will not be able to take communion if he is not married in the Church.  You guys would have to do a convalidation for it to be recognized.

This goes way beyond your mother’s beliefs and I don’t think this is her call at all.  She has no right to interfere in your FI’s beliefs.

Post # 6
Member
442 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

Just tell her it’s important to your FI and therefore important to you. 

Post # 7
Member
46 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2015

First off, are you catholic?  I am not but my FI is.  Fortunately getting married in a catholic church was never an option for us because I’m not willing to convert/get confirmed/do catholic premarital counseling.  If you’re not catholic, are you willing to convert or do what you need to do in order to get married in the church?

I think it’s important to do what YOU want.  If you dislike the church, explain to your FI that you really don’t want to get married in it and he should respect that.  If you honestly want to get married in the church, then explain that to your mom.  It’s your wedding, not hers, and she should understand that.  But it seems like the real issue is you and your FI’s differences in religion, and if that’s the case, it’s a good issue to get sorted out now. 

Post # 8
Member
442 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

You don’t have to convert to get married in the Catholic church. I am Catholic, my DH is not, but you can still get married. You do have to do pre-marriage sessions (even if you are both Catholic) usually with a priest, and then a weekend retreat. Honestly, they are less about Catholicism and more about how to be married…financial stuff, kids, in-laws, etc. It was good to actually talk about some of that stuff, even though we were on the same page, there were a few things we hadn’t discussed. 

Marriage is about compromise, and unless your mom has a really valid reason for you not to get married in a church, I say you and your FI make this decision and leave her out of it.

Post # 9
Member
1236 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA

This is a tricky one, because I definitely know people who would not be comfortable even attending a ceremony in certain churches. I don’t agree with their choices, but I respect and support that. However, this is your wedding. If you want to please your FI, then explain to your mother how important it is, and say that you hope she will be able to join you at your ceremony, regardless of her personal feelings towards the Catholic church. If she can’t, then that’s on her.

 

I agree with PPs who said that you should reconsider accepting other peoples’ money for the wedding. A marriage would be just as valid with a small ceremony in a cheap venue as it would after being performed in a grand cathedral. You don’t need a huge wedding, although if you feel like it’s key to your day, then you’ll ahve to accept that certain strings will always come attached.

Post # 11
Member
1566 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

One option, so that your marriage is recognized by the Catholic church would be to have your civil wedding with your mom, outside of the Church, then go through the Catholic pre-marital counseling in order to convalidate your marriage at a later date, in a small ceremony.

Post # 12
Member
2657 posts
Sugar bee

If she truly wants to make you happy, she needs to understand how much you respect your FI’s wishes on this.  You and your FI are a package deal.  If your FI wants to marry in the church and you are supportive of that, that is the decision that will be made.  You and your FI should come together and explain to her the reasoning behind the choice and that this will not be negotiated.  She is free to take her money away, that’s always a risk when family contributes.  But, I think she just may be coming to terms with the fact that your ceremony is not what she had envisioned all these years, and is trying to accept that.

Post # 13
Member
1583 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I’m Catholic and my fiance isn’t Catholic and doesn’t associate with any particular faith at all. We are having a Catholic service much like you described with no communion, etc. It was important to me to be married in church because to a Catholic marriage is more than a legal union – its a sacrament. Personally I wouldn’t feel married if it wasn’t in church. To me that trumps everything. That moment is what the day is all about to me. My fiance understands that (like you seem to) and is fine with it.

I think your fiance’s opinion in this matters. If he doesn’t feel married if it happens outside the church then what’s the point of it all. Your mother needs to be an adult and suck it up on this point.

Post # 14
Member
2893 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

 

wondering8986:  I think you need to tell your mom that in this case, your FI’s wishes are MUCH more important than hers.  I am going into some pop-psychology here, but I guess that your mom had a church wedding and regrets it.  A lot of parents try to turn their kid’s wedding into their wedding part 2 when they pay.   Ask her if her parents insisted on a certain kind of ceremony and if she regrets it.  If the answer is “yes, I regret get married in the church,” explain to her that your FI would feel the exact same way about not getting married in the church.  Hopefully she will see things your way. 

Post # 15
Member
1499 posts
Bumble bee

Marriage is all about compromise. Your mom is getting her way with the reception, and it is obviously very important to FI and his parents about the ceremony they are paying for. You are an adult, and you will be getting married and need to put your husband before all others. He wants this, and you seem neutral. I would go ahead with the Catholic ceremony and let your mom know that while you appreciate her opinion and point of view, this is two families coming together and you have to give and take.

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