My mom is upset with my FMIL

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
42546 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

charismacharm:  On a scale of 0-10, how upset would I be? 0

Your FMIL is obviously concerned about what she is to wear.  She may have been looking to your Mom for guidance.

You have plenty of time for all the decisions that need to be made.

Post # 4
Member
2207 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

My MIL did the same things and it annoyed me but I let it go. Any time I tried to talk about any detail about the wedding, she would interrupt to talk about a minor detail about herself (she brought up HER nail polish color 6 months before the wedding….). I eventually stopped bringing it up and just tried to minimize our conversations. On the wedding day, she never said my dress was beautiful, never said I looked nice, just asked me how she looked. I think it’s rooted in insecurity, but is still really frustrating. 

Post # 5
Member
7098 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

So…you’re fine taking her money for your honeymoon, but god forbid she talk about her own dress? I think you’re overthinking this one, sorry.

Post # 7
Member
36 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 1969

First, I think you and your mom might be reading too much into it- as far as stopping the conversation via text prematurely, and discussing with your mom her dress selection.

When texting someone, it is easy to become busy or distracted by something else as she might have been out at the time or in the middle of something else. You could have called her if you really felt you needed to continue the conversation at that time. Also, which is often the case with my mom, the conversation ends because she simply doesn’t know how to continue it or because she assumes from a certain text that the conversation has been ended and will usually bring it up when we are on the phone or having a face to face visit at a later time. Texts can be tricky so you’re better off calling if it’s really important. 

As for cutting your mom off, perhaps she is the talkative type or was just really excited about her dress. It might seem really early to buy it for a wedding taking place next year, but maybe she used your big day as an excuse to update her wardrobe. Some women just get really into weddings and tend to focus on the details they are interested in. Perhaps for your FMIL, it’s more fun to discuss honeymoon destinations and fashion, then it is discussing which stlye font you chose for invitations and etc. 

In planning my wedding, I have found my FH is more interested in talking about the food and drinks, rather the venue, decorations or bridesmaid gowns (he couldn’t care less about that stuff) and it’s irritating to me, but he doesnt pick up on it. 

 

My advice is to talk to your FMIL if you think it’s a real problem. Maybe explain to her that you and your mom are trying to keep her up to date with what you have completed so far or what still needs to be taken care of and that you’d appreciate if she contributed to those conversations more by perhaps asking follow up questions or making suggestions. To me, I feel that planning your honeymoon is not really exciting for anyone but you. After all they’re just paying, you’re the one going.

Also keep in mind your Mom might be slightly on edge toward your FMIL if she is doing the majority of the leg work with you, whereas your FMIL has only offered to pay for your honeymoon. Your mom might have wanted to talk with her in hopes of getting her to do some work. So ask your mom if there was something she wanted to task your FMIL with doing and maybe if she felt your FMIL was trying to avoid being asked. 

Wedding planning brings out so many sides to people and most of them are emotional. So tread carefully because I don’t personally see any wrong doing on your FMILs part by discussing her new dress. If it’s about lack of communication or lack of involvement, SPEAK UP! 

Post # 8
Member
2207 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

charismacharm:  thanks for understanding! the wedding planning process really hurt our relationship- she put her opinions ahead of mine throughout the whole thing even though we were paying for it ourselves, and I still haven’t totally recovered from some of the things she did. I’m cordial when we see them at family events and love the rest of my in-laws, but don’t see her and i ever being best friends. Hopefully your FMIL ends up being better throughout your planning! Maybe this is just a one time thing and she’s fixated on her dress. Orrr maybe next it will be her shoes, hair, nails, that she MUST get your guidance on lol. Does your FMIL have any daughters? Mine only has sons (who really don’t like spending one on one time with her), so she constantly is saying that she can’t get anyone else to help her so her issues were more important than mine. I really wish she had a daughter! Lol

Post # 9
Member
1905 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

What? Idek why you’re mad. 

My FMIL has brought up what she should wear to the wedding many times. I know this is because she’s concerned about looking nice for photos and she wants me to be happy with what she decides on (I am happy without whatever she feels pretty in). I helped solve this problem by going dress shopping with her. 

I also agree you may be reading too much into the texts. Half the time I’m lucky if FMIL can figure out how to open her messages! 😉

The update was abrupt. I hope you told her gracefully. I would be very upset if my FDIL told me “I don’t want you paying for half of my honeymoon, my parents are paying for it all” without good reason. 

Post # 10
Member
5286 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

I don’t find anything to be upset about here.

Post # 11
Member
602 posts
Busy bee

Ugh, so annoying. How dare this woman graciously offer to help pay for your vacation then insist on selfishly talking about her dress? What a biatch.

How old are you? I don’t understand why your mother is calling your FMIL to discuss your honeymoon plans. If you’re old enough to get married, you’re old enough to handle these details yourself. Also, why is she responsible for your fiance’s passport? He’s a big boy. Can’t he inquire about that himself?

Post # 12
Member
7216 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

charismacharm: Without going into the rights and wrongs, I think the mothers talking to each other in detail isn’t a good idea. They hardly know each other, I’m guessing. So having them talk to each other sounds like a recipe for misunderstanding. As far as possible, you and your fiance should be go-betweens between the mothers.

Post # 13
Member
299 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

julies1949:  +1. Doesn’t sound like a big deal at all to me. 

OP, to be honest my mom, DH’s aunts & sisters, etc…all asked me about what to wear several times and early on also. Family members just want to look nice and feel “a part” of the wedding. Seems perfectly normal to me. 

Post # 14
Member
795 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

You and your mother sound very sensitive. How old are you? Why can’t you pay for your own honeymoon? Why are you making your parents pay? Do you have a job? Why did your mom call your FMIL? So many questions here. 

Post # 15
Member
2395 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Are you 12????? Because that’s what it sounds like.

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