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My Mom has lots of jewelry, she's loaded. She has two pairs of diamond stud earrings, and without me asking for them she's always said that her plan was to have one pair reset and give them to me on my wedding day, they would be mine forever at that point. The other pair she will not be passing down, she wears them everyday and does not plan to part with them.
Well she just called me at work to ask if I would be upset if she gave them to my oldest sister instead. As a present for having her 3rd child. My oldest sister actually already has diamond stud earrings, she is 35 and very well off. Owns two homes and long ago purchased herself a bigger pair than the ones my Mom is passing down.
I tried to tell my Mom this and she just argued with me. Saying she assumed they were fake and still wants to pass down her earrings to Oldest Sister. I told her, fine, do whatever you want they're yours to pass on. But I'm so upset! Oldest Sister has already received $150K for a down payment from our parents in addition to her big lavish wedding years ago and several expensive jewelry items. And this is her 3rd child!! I haven't gotten any money for a down payment (have been saving furiously), never received any jewelry from my Mom and was really looking forward to finally getting something passed down to ME on my wedding day.
I know it sounds bratty, but I"m so upset! I don't know when it will ever be my turn I hate being the youngest! I'm always overlooked and overshadowed by my older siblings who are pumping out kids left and right and 'been there, done that' with the whole wedding thing. :(
I'd be upset too.. I feel that way in my family, but I'm the oldest. Maybe she will change her mind, but they'll be a little tainted then. Just hold your head up high, because you are making your own life, not being given a life like your siblings. It's not as easy but you can be extra proud of yourself for your accomplishments..
Sounds extremely frustrating and painful, which is only compounded by the fact that there's nothing you can do. You've told her how you feel, you've told her that you wanted something from her to wear on your wedding day, the rest is up to her on that front.
Meanwhile, concentrate on YOUR wedding, and making it all about you and your FI and the love that you share and the life you will build together. Try to take her out of the equation as far as money is concerned. It's only going to drive you crazy.
I know where you're coming from. I'm the middle child, and my older sibling has been married 3 times and has a child. My younger sibling just recently had a kid as well. My parents still help support both of them and their families, while I paid my own way through college (only one in my family to graduate from college), work to pay my own rent, and before last year when my parents offered to pay for half, was saving to pay for my own wedding.
It took a long time for me to learn that it's not my parents caring less about me or not loving me as much, it's that they think I'm more responsible and mature and can take care of myself without their help. It's actually a huge compliment! As for the earrings, does she have no other piece of jewelry she could give you? If not, I would calmly explain to her how important it was to you to wear those on your wedding day. I don't think you're being bratty, you're hurt and not sure the best way to talk about it with your mother. To be honest, I'd leave your sister (and how much money they've given her/she's made) out of it. Just speak true to your feelings about how important it was to you.
Wow that sucks. My mom has a sapphire ring she received for her 13th birthday from my grandparents that she recently had CUT OFF her finger and resized so I can wear it for my wedding in 9 months. She couldn't wait to give it to me, I cried. Thankfully my older sister didn't want it (she wants the diamond) so no fighting.
If I were you I would say something to my sister. She obviously is well off and has her own earrings. Maybe you could say I really wanted to wear mom's diamond earrings on my wedding day but she's giving them to you. If she's a good sister and already has a pair I would hope she would tell your mom she doesn't need them and she should give them to you. Is your sister nice like that?
It's pretty crappy that she got you all excited about being gifted them for your wedding and then changed her mind like that. I'd be really hurt too. The only thing I can think that would semi-redeem her actions is that maybe she plans to buy you your own pair as a gift for your wedding? My question for your mom is: Why does having a third child necesitate a gift of diamond earrings? Shouldn't she be given a crib or baby clothes or something?
Thanks everyone for your kind words.
@Soon2Be - Yes, my sister is very nice. But she's not involved in any of this, I'm 100% sure she never asked for the earrings and doesn't want them. And at this point I only want them to go to the person my Mom intended to have them, I wouldn't want my sister to just give them to me.
I don't even care about the earrings, I can buy my own, I'm just so hurt that no one in the family seems to care about my wedding. Ironically, my sisters are providing more support/giving me more attention than anyone. We are constanatly making huge deals over my brother and oldest sister for having kids (there are already 7!) and I get engaged and it's no big deal. My parents jumped at the chance to give all 3 of my older siblings down payments for their first houses and never once offered to help me out. So here I am struggling to save, packing lunches, cutting back on everything and they never had to do that.
I would be upset, too. It's one thing if she would have just decided to give them to your sister, end of story. But she already told you that she was giving them to you to wear for your wedding day! That's the rub, in my opinion. And I don't think it's bratty. Sure, there are a lot of people out there who don't even have diamonds to be passed down at all, but the point is something everyone can understand -- it hurts. Regardless of the object in question, your mother was going to give you something sentimental and then decided to give them to your sister where there is obvious less of a sentiment there, as she already has her own. It sucks, but don't be down on yourself for feeling this way. Try to concentrate on the good parts of your relationship and the exciting things you'll wear for your wedding. It can't make up for it, but I hope it helps!
I'd be upset, too. I know your email comes across a little bitter/bratty, but I think it's perfectly reasonable to be upset because it sounds like she's in general more giving with your sis. I'ts hard for parents to play even stevens sometimes (my brother was mad they didn't pay for his college but the rule was go to a 4-yr university and pass and they'd pay and he didn't...) but it's simply unfair to do SO much for one child and not the other.
Not to mention. It's one thing to give a gift to your daughter for a baby....but a third baby when you've already promised said gift to yoru daughter for her wedding day?
That's just really crappy. Maybe you can ask your sister to borrow them for the wedding? She may just give them to you, but if she's a giving person, she may really like having you borrow something!
Why did your parents pay for her wedding years ago and not yours?
@Amaryllis, yes that's exactly what's bothering me. She had already promised them to me on my wedding day and just up and changed her mind, deciding my sister's 3rd child was a bigger deal.
@Ejs, my parents are actually paying for my wedding. I am upset that they've already given so much to my older siblings, especially her, that after promising the earrings to me I didn't think it was fair to do that. Also, I'm sure my sister would either give them to me or let me wear them on my wedding day but I don't even want them anymore. The whole point was that they would be passed down to me on such a special day, I don't actually need them.
you say your mom has lots of jewellery, could it be that she's decided to give you something else and wants to surprise you?
I totally agree. It's ruined the loveliness that comes with having something special passed down.Maybe your sister can bring up how hurtful it was to do that. It really sucks when your big important event gets shoved aside for a grandchild-in-the-baking.
I hope they help you out with your house, too.
Your mom must not know what an "indian giver" is =(
@ejs4y8 - not really digging your last "indian giver" comment. quite offensive actually.
i would be upset too. the earrings are clearly just the straw that broke the camel's back here--does your mom know how you feel about the bigger things (house and wedding)? have you ever talked about it with both your parents?
honestly, i sometimes worry about this too, with my older brother (and sil). my parents have now spent way more on them for these kind of big things than on me. so, it's super bratty because clearly he's needed more help than i have or i will, but they just live way beyond their means which is frustrating in general because they assume my parents will just pay for it. my parents are incredibly supportive and generous, and they try to be even about it, but i sometimes worry it won't balance out eventually...
@Lila - I know what EJS meant by that, it's a terrible name for it, but I've been guilty of using that term too. I don't even know why it's called that and you're right it's a very offensive term. It's one of those terms that's been stuck in my mind since I was little and hard to shake once I get older and realize it's inappropriate. Try not to be too offended, that's not how it was meant.
But EJS is right, my Mom should have thought it through first. And once you promise someone something or give a gift to someone, you can't just take it back because you think someone else should get it. And to top it off I'm already sensitive about my parents giving my older siblings so much and never making a big deal over me. There are no baby pictures of me, my birthday is never celebrated, no congratulations for getting my first job or getting into or graduating college. It was no big deal to anyone by the time I came around.
Isn't it called being an Indian Giver though? Saying you'll give something and taking it back?
The whole phrase stemmed from Americans saying they would promise the Native Americans stuff and then us revoking our promises of things like land and stuff.
I didn't realize that it was offensive at all!
I feel like I could be writing this, but differently... I'm the oldest, but my sister is a favorite.
I think you should just write a letter to your mom, telling you how much it meant when she told you she would give them to you on your wedding day, and then to take it back so callously (seriously a 3rd baby? Are you sure your parents aren't out to MAKE you feel bad?) was just hurtful. I'd say that you appreciate the wedding but weddings mean nothing without the love, sentiment and appreciation from your parents and family, and with their whole "we've done it before" attitude you feel left out. In fact, i'd straight up say "Yeah, you've done it before--but not with me. So maybe you could try to feel happier for me?"
Best of luck to you. Just know that when you have your own family, you've been hurt enough that you know not to do that with your own kids/nieces/nephews. It's never ok for one child to feel left out.
@ejs4y8 - as per wikipedia
The term "Indian gift" was first noted in 1765 by Thomas Hutchinson,[1] and "Indian giver" was first cited in John Russell Bartlett's Dictionary of Americanisms (1860)[2] as "Indian giver. When an Indian gives any thing, he expects to receive an equivalent, or to have his gift returned."
The phrase can be offensive[3][4], particularly to Native Americans.[5]
that does suck. i learned a while ago that our parents don't treat us kids the same. my parents are very up front about it, life isn't fair, what one kid gets, the other won't necessarily get, and life's just like that. i think for us it has a lot to do with if my parents happen to have the money at the time though. maybe when my brother was getting married, they were able to afford a bigger wedding/better wedding present. when my sister was a certain age, maybe they were able to afford to send her on a trip accross the country. they can't promise me these things because they don't know how much money they'll have compared to then. that's why they always told me, you're just not going to get the same things as your siblings. i get that it's not the same situation, but when you do know ahead of time that you're going to be treated differently, it does soften the blow.
@ Labor, I agree with you. I would like to say something, but I've never been able to get through to my parents about my feeling left out. They just don't care.
The catch-22 to this whole situation is that if I were still single they would be pressuring the heck out of me to get married already. But now that I am they arent' even blinking. So it's like they just expected me to find someone and don't appreciate how big a deal it is that I did!
Hm, okay. Well i didn't mean it in an offensive manner.
It does have 2 definitions; I never knew it as the offensive one you are referring to, only this one: "In modern times, the phrase is often connected to the manner in which native property promised under treaty was later appropriated by other American and Canadian interests.[6]"
I revoke it to mean "take-backsies" then!
I am so sorry you are feeling left out. I worry this is how my FI feels, although he doesn't say anything very often about it. My FMIL really hasn't been supportive of his big life events. Bailed to help us move into our first house so she could go to their Grandparents cabin, has seen our 16 month old a handful of times because she feels she' s not old enough to be a Grandma.
I think you should have lunch or smomething with your mom and just talk to her about how you are feeling. Make sure though that she knows that you appreciate the money for the weding, but would like more emotional support from her. I 'm not sure an email would be a good idea. My FI did that and let's just say it resulted in a very big arguement that I don't know if he will really ever get over some of the things his mom said.
@moderndaisy, do you think if you had a serious talk with your mom about how frustrating it is to have your accomplishments overshadowed to the point they aren't even acknowledged that she'd make an effort? Like, sat her down and said "look we need a talk" seriousness? Hammer it home? Or what if your sister said somethign? Could you confide in her about that?
@ ejs ..."Indian giver" is definitely a term you want to steer clear of. It was used to imply that Native Americans were dishonest b/c they gave things but expected them back if they weren't given something of equal value. Europeans viewed items received from NA as gifts, NA viewed them as items for barter. The term is basically intended as an insult.
I knew what you meant though
EDIT: I guess we all were posting at the same time. I wasn't trying to beat you over the head with the real meaning of the word....LOL.
@modern daisy...like another poster mentioned, it may have less to do with you being the youngest and more to do with you showing that you are more than capable of handling your own affairs. I am actually the 5th child but my parents/siblings assume that I will conduct my business (and theirs) b/c I am the "responsible one". I was the first one to go to college, but my own home, have a successful career...all of that. So a lot of times my folks just assume that I don't need or want anything from them. Maybe take your mom to lunch and explain that you wanted the earrings for the sentimental reasons and that maybe if she wants to pass those on, she has another piece of jewelry that you can wear on your wedding day.
My apologies, no harm was intended! Good to learn it's a no-no phrase on WB instead of, say, in a client meeting!
MrsKessler, EJS and Jamaica - all good ideas. I'm a little too hurt right now to sit her down and I don't think I should talk to her about it when I'm upset. And my poor sister shouldn't be pulled into it either, this is not her fault and I don't want to put her in such a tough position. But I can assure you all that my parents don't do this because they think I'm the responsible one. I am very accomplished and make great money, but so do all of my siblings. They just steal the spotlight all the time with weddings, house purchases and preganancy announcements. For example when I got accepted to my top choice school and tried to make a family announcement my brother cut in with his pregnancy announcement, which was the first grandchild. Immediately, everyone forgot about my news. I can't win.
wow i would feel really offended too if my mom did something like that. especially since it's her third child and it already sounds like she has given your sister so much. i could see if it was their first child, but the third is pushing it to give someone something so sentimental! i'm sorry to hear that some people in your family seems to be so insensitive about things like this.
Maybe your sister could help you? By that I mean maybe she could mention to your mom how you feel like they don't recognize the big milestones in your life. That is something you could say to her too, but only if you could keep calm and not get emotional. Basically you feel that your milestones and accomplishments are being overlooked by your parents, and that you deserve the same recognition and help that your siblings got. I don't think you're being bratty at all!
Are you the middle child? Seems like the middle one always gets ripped off. My mom has alot of bling too and always gives my older sister all the expensive pieces and once in a while she will buy me something but very cheap. it hurts but I guess the older one is looked at as more responsible but it does suck because i am the only child that has ever helped my mom out with her two businesses and it has come to the point where I had to leave her and work somewhere else
@Tammy, I am the youngest of 4.
UPDATE: I told my other sister about what happened (not the one whose getting the earrings) and of course she started 'one-upping' me going on and on about how unfairly SHE is always treated. Mind you, this sister just got married in Dec and got a HUGE diamond necklace handed down to her on her wedding day from my Mom.
You just can't win with family... especially when they have a history of playing favorites! Sigh...
It's like that movie WarGames: the only winning move is not to play.
I agree with a lot of posts above and it is thoughtless of your mom to do this. However, I'm confused by all the comments that "for a third baby!". Is the third child less special than the first? Is the pregnancy less of a pain? ? Isn't this, in a sense, exactly what you are complaining of? That your parents have been through your younger siblings milestones and so yours aren't a bid deal because you're fourth and so don't deserve anything special - a fourth! daughter. So basicaly I'm saying it would have been equally thoughtless of your mom to do this for you sister's first child and first grandchild - because having promises something it's not nice to give it someone else especially since she could have choosen a different gift.
@ejs - I have to laugh at this sister b/c she always does this! She is a classic one-upper!
@mr.Bee - You are right, I am just fading into the background now. I'm also saving to buy my own earrings so if you know any good jewelry stores in the city let me know!
@Arachna - You aren't getting the point. The present isn't going to my sister's 3rd baby, it's a gift to my sister for a 'milestone' event. Hello?? I am getting married! My sister has had her turn with the spotlight and the gifts several times now, I never have. And the earrings were originally promised to me, this sister has already received a lot of nice jewelry from our Mom for her graduation, wedding, pregnancies, I have never received anything.
@moderndaisy...I was thinking about your situation and comparing it to the dynamics in my own family. I know you think that the sister who is receiving the earrings isn't involved outside of that but I don't know if that's exactly true. What I have noticed in my family is that my siblings KNOW FULL WELL that they are being favored with things at my expense...but because they LIKE reaping the benefits...they don't say anything to my parents about it...they just soak it all up. When parents favor one or more kids over the other they set up a competition of sorts with their children and that can have a very negative result on self-esteem. Why aren't your siblings more supportive and excited about your wedding? Why would your brother announce his wife's pregnancy at the same time you are announcing your engagement? I personally think your older siblings LIKE the fact that they are getting all of the attention and fuss made over them even if it's at your expense. I could be wrong...I hope I am....but it's not looking good
*Hugs* I'm sorry your mom did that!! That really sucks! Sorry I don't have anything more helpful to add. = (
Honestly, I'd have trouble even talking to my family if they talked to me the way yours treats/talks to you. LAME.
Agree with JamaicaBride. I would talk to your older sis and see what she says. If she acts with indifference, I think JB is right on. :(
First off, let me say that it sucks that this is happening to you. It's unfair to be treated differently than your siblings.
I've seen both sides of this agrument, since my FI comes from a family where his youngest sister is spoiled rotten (he has 3 sisters from 3 different husbands), and it's especially hard when she gest a brand new macbook and a trip to europe and he gets $100 for Christmas.
That said, I am not trying to be offensive at all by saything this - sometimes you just have to grow up and take care of yourself. FI leared that he can't rely on his mom for anything because she ALWAYS goes back on her word (promising help with a downpayment for a house, help with wedding $, gifts, etc.) and every time it happened, he got so hurt and upset that finally he distanced himself a little bit and stopped turning to her for financial (or even emotional) support. Maybe it's time that you do that. I understand being close to your family and loving them but you're adult. Time to take care of yourself.
@Jamaica, you do have a point - it's not like my sisters ever try to even things out. But to be honest, they have been the most supportive and loving throughout my engagement so it's hard for me to be mad at them. For example, I know for sure if I asked my sister to borrow the earrings or if I could have them, she'd do it in a heartbeat. As I would for her. Haha, my brother is another story - he's in his own world. Very nice guy though, I'll bet he doesn't even realize what 'stealing thunder' is!
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