Post # 1
- Wedding: August 2012 - W Hotel Silicon Valley
My mom and sister are throwing our baby shower for us in August. Since I got pregnant, my husband and I have talked about and agreed that our baby shower would be co-ed. I think it’s old fashioned and unnecessary to exclude the father and male friends from the shower since the baby is just as much his child as she is mine.
Today my mom said she really doesn’t want to throw a co-ed shower and doesn’t want to feel pressured to. She said that it isn’t about my husband and that I’m not supposed to be involved in planning the shower at all anyway. I think this is ridiculous. My mom is usually not super “traditional” and I’m not sure what this is about. It seems that there isn’t really any way to convince her to change her mind and even if I was able to somehow, I am sure she would remain bitter about it.
I tried not to get defensive, but I feel horrible about it because now I have to essentially un-invite my husband to his own daughter’s baby shower. He is already worried that my mom is going to try and parent our baby and exclude him and this is not helping her case!
This is pretty much a vent, but any input, similar experiences, or ideas would be appreciated!
Post # 3
@moniquaa: He is already worried that my mom is going to try and parent our baby and exclude him and this is not helping her case!
If you don’t set boundaries now, this will happen. There’s no reason your husband can’t be there. It’s not a lingerie or sex toy party lol. If you want him there and he wants to be there, don’t reward your mother’s sulking.
Actually, even the bridal shower is traditional bride-centric, even though seeing as how she’s getting married to him, the groom is not involved at all.
Post # 4
I would just tell her that he is invited and that’s that.
Post # 5
That is so odd. dh was at all my showers, but especially involved with the first sitting right next to me as we opened the gifts together. I cannot imagine it any other way, especially for the 1st baby/pregnancy.
Post # 6
“Hi, Mom. I’ve been thinking about what you said and I still don’t believe it’s fair to exclude Joe from his child’s baby shower. But, I know how strongly you feel about it, and I appreciate everything you’ve done for the shower so far, but I really want Joe to be there.” (Pause, see how she answers; if in the negative…)
“I understand. But I don’t want to have a shower unless Joe and his friends can be there.”
Then the ball is in her court. Sulking children who don’t get what they want, at least in my experience, usually give in at some point. Let her hold it over your head forever. Her request is absolutely ridiculous.
Find a friend or another relative who can throw you a shower.
Post # 7
I think you can have your DH there without it being a co-ed shower.
Post # 8
I agree with previous posters, you need to set boundaries now with your mom. Your baby will have two parents, you and your husband, your mother is not a co-parent and you need to make that clear before the baby gets here. Since he’s already upset about it, she has probably done something to interfere in your marriage in the past. You need to make sure you put a stop to this now, your loyalties are to your husband and his to you, and she needs that spelled out for her.
Further, I would definitely Not be attending any event where my husband was excluded, especially when it’s a celebration of our baby. I would be making it crystal clear to your mother that you will not be attending any shower where the baby’s father is unwelcome. This is a shower for you and your husband, if she can’t control her desire to exclude your husband, you do not attend. If she can’t set aside her own selfishness to throw a shower for you, decline her offer and find someone else to throw you a shower.
Post # 9
- Wedding: August 2012 - W Hotel Silicon Valley
@lolaswann: Maybe I should just present her with it from his point of view once we have both calmed down from talking about it and then let her sleep on it. Hopefully she will be more willing to bend.
Post # 10
Have someone else throw the baby shower. You need to set boundaries now, otherwise she’ll always overstep her boundaries.
Post # 11
@moniquaa: I’m throwing a co-ed baby shower for my brother and SIL this saturday and I’m crazy excited about the idea (as is everyone else!)
Maybe you should tell her that there wouldn’t be a shower without him in the first place so there shouldn’t be one without him in August… teeheeeheeeee
Post # 12
“Hi mom. Joe is going to be at the baby shower. Oh, I understand that you’re upset about that, but this is how our family works. He is just as much entitled to be at his daughter’s baby shower as you or I am. If you don’t like that, I can find someone else to throw the shower.”
Do not apologize.
Do not back down.
Do not seem sad about the potential of her not throwing the shower or the shower not happening at all.
You need to set boundaries with your mother — Mine is very invasive just like your own and I had to be very clear and very specific with her on what she was or was not allowed to know/do with my family.
Post # 13
I get no coed but excluding that dad is ridiculous even if you’re not suppose to be involved in planning.
Post # 14
I guess I’ll be the one taking the opposite position. Your Mom is the hostess. She decides the guest list. The hostess does ask for input from you, but the final call is hers.
You may very well have valid concerns about your Mom vis a vis her role in parenting, but that has little or nothing to do with this shower. If she wants to host a traditional shower for women only, it is her perogative. Your husband come come at the end of the shower, have some refreshments , see the gifts and help take you and the gifts home.
If you don’t want the shower she wants to host, decline-plain and simple. Hope that someone else offers to throw you a shower.
Post # 15
@moniquaa: Mom’s the host so mom chooses. If you don’t like it, have the baby shower somewhere else.
Post # 16
Ehhh..I think if she’s hosting it’s her decision. Perhaps you could convince her to just let your DH come but not have it co-ed.