Weddingbee boards

Sorry this is a bit of a rant.  I was engaged about a year ago to someone that my mom adored. She completely approved and was in fact helping me plan the wedding.  I was closer with me mom than I had been in years during that time.

Long story short...I found out that my fiance had molested a child and I called off the 7 year relationship.  If you want to to read the whole emotional story I think you can find it under "One brokenhearted bee" on my threads.  Regardless I am in a much better place now.  I went through a lot of therapy and I am as healed as I may ever be from the incident.

My mother has not been supportive of my break up to say the least.  She urged me to get back together with my ex even though I told her he had molested a two year old boy.  So as you can imagine, she is not happy that I recently got engaged to my longtime friend.  We became romantic to both of our surprise shortly after my breakup and I owe a lot of my healing from the support I received from him.  He was my rock and I realize that the breakup allowed me to find true love with the guy who was meant for me. 

Regardless, I still had all this leftover wedding stuff that I had never gotten to use for my wedding to my ex.  I asked my new fiance if he thought it would be a bad idea to use it for our upcoming wedding.  He insisted that he was not bothered by using stuff I already had.  It is really just candle holders, place settings and decorations but also my dress.  We both agreed that just because I picked that stuff out with a different groom in mind, it doesn't mean that my tastes have changed or that I don't iike those things any more.  I loved that dress the moment I put it on and I can't imagine having to find a different one just because my ex turned out to be a total creep. 

The problem is I was keeping all this stuff at my mom's place when the breakup occured since we were quite chummy then.  It is almost a year since the breakup and I have called my mom at least once a month since then requesting that I can come over and get my wedding things out of her house.  Looking back, she would never quite give me an answer about when I could get it from her.  Or she would just blow me off saying that she wasn't going to be home at that time or something. On a few occasions she actually told me to just not worry about it and that I could keep the stuff right where it was at.  Finally last month I demanded she let me in and let me get my wedding stuff because whether she liked it or not I was engaged and regardless of whether or not she approved I was getting married and I needed my things.  That is when she admitted that she had given all the items to the good will months ago!

  WHAT?!  When was she planning on mentioning it to me? Luckily the one thing she didn't have the audacity to toss was my gorgeous Maggie Sottero Milana wedding dress which cost me about a grand after shipping and taxes.  Thank goodness for that but still she donated almost $350 worth of decorations I planned to use.  She played innocent, claiming that she didn't think it would matter since I clearly wasn't getting married anymore when she got rid of it.  I am not entirely sure I believe that she got rid of the stuff before my engagement to my new fiance.  Upon questioning her I sort of caught her admitting that she may have gotten rid of it more recently as a response to my new engagement that she does not approve of.  In any case, I called off my first wedding at age 22....what does she mean I wasn't going to need it because I was no longer getting married?  Did she think I had screwed up my life so bad by not marrying a pedophile that no one would ever take me again and I had sealed my fate as a spinster?  I was pissed.  I said things that no daughter should say to their mother.  

  She claimed that the stuff was just in her way and she didn't want it cluttering her attic any more.  That's all fine, but then call me and I will come and take it as I have been offering to do for months.  What kind of mother throws out her daughter's wedding stuff?  I told her that I was coming to get my one remaining item (my dress) immediately.  When I got there I was more calm. My screaming at her had turned to tears.  I told her exactly how hurt and disappointed I was in her.  She insisted that the dress would be safe there if I didn't have a place for it and I could keep it at her house still.  I grabbed it from the closet it was hanging in and and told her as I walked out that she had a lot of trust to earn back and that she wouldn't be allowed within 50 feet of my dress.  I told her that what she did was a deliberate act of sabotage towards my wedding and that she is not invited to the event.  She tried to backpedal saying that even though she doesn't like who I am marrying she still wants to be there. I am sorry but I am paying for this wedding on my own entirely and I would rather die than spend 80 something dollars to feed someone there who doesn't even support our union. 

The last thing she said was "well as usual Lex, all you have done is make me feel like a piece of S**t mother.  Is that what you want?"

To which I replied "No mom, I don't even have to.  You should feel like a piece of s**t."

I told her that I expected money for the items she got rid of and help locating similar products again.  I told her that it was her responsibility to replace everything but even if she tracked down all the things again it still wouldn't be enough to get her invited again at this point.  I told her it is her job as my mother to get as excited about this wedding as the last one and that if she wasn't excited she has to pretend to be excited for me.  

  I have thought it through and I really cannot see  regretting not having her there.  She is not the kind of person I want around me on my special day.  She is not even the kind of person I want my future children to be around.  She is a very proud womam but if she wants to have anything to do with me anymore she will grovel at my feet for forgiveness.

I dont blame how you acted and what you said. That is just crazy to me and If I was in your shoes I wouldnt want my mom around too. Then again you would have to think real hard about your decision if you REALLY dont want her there on your special day. I dont know what you have all been through with your mom but regret is the worst espcially if you cant take it back. You do what feels right in your heart and what will make you happy. :) good luck and congratulations on gettng married im glad you found happiness. :)

Thinking of your last bit, about not regretting inviiting your mother.   Not many here may, but I agree with you.  I didn't invite my mother to my wedding to my ex H.   We hadn't really fallen out, I just didn't want her there.   She was a total bitch before my 1st wedding (11 years previously).  One examples was that she left me stranded in my wedding dress (it had a long row of buttons at the back, I needed help to get out of it) when I tried it on at home.  She said 'I don't know why you are getting married, you are already sleeping with him...you hypocrticial bitch!'  Lovely.  I was just 21, and didn't really want to get married, but my parents had made it clear that if I lived with my then FI they would disown me.  I wasn't even 'allowed' to go on holiday with him.  I was so weak willed in those days, and thought I 'had' to maintain a relationship with them.

Anyway...the point is, if you change your mind and invite her, fine. But if you don't, that's fine too. I've always said that I don't believe 'family' is a good enough reason for letting people get away with treating you badly.

I am so sorry your mother is being so unsupportive of your wedding :( Does she have a personal issue with your current fiance other than his age or is it really that she just really liked your former fiance that much (which is so incredibly hard to believe given the circumstances surrounding him)?  I would say she has to seriously prove herself to you and apologize in a big way to make up for the pain she's caused already to be brought back into your wedding plans and general good graces...

Thank you for all the support, Bees.  I am glad to hear that I am not the only one out there with Mommy issues regarding my wedding.  It sounds lke I am not totally out of line but at this point I would allow her to do the right thing and try to make this up to me if she wanted to. 

@beccybaby:  Oh wow.  I know how you feel. The people in my family who sided with my ex spread horrible rumors to keep me from ending up with this guy. My only sister and my mother told everyone that I was having an affair with him before my breakup and that I had planned this all along.  How could I have planned my fiance telling me he was a child molester? And I was completely faithful to him...I was in love with him.  Luckily everyone who knows me and my fantastic new man don't believe a word.  I particularly liked the rumor that I had been talked into joining a cult with this new man and that he had convinced me to drop all my classes and never talk to my family again.  Meanwhile I was still communicating with the family and was enrolled in some hardcore bio and calc classes (I'm a pre med student).  Don't worry, in the end, the ppl who spread crap like that about you just end up looking desperate and insane.  So glad that you got out of that horrible relationship.  You sound like you were incredibly patient with your ex and he finally was just inexcusable. So sorry you had to experience pain like that.  Have a safe, happy, blissful life with Mr. Right! 

@Ree723: Pardon me, I only posted details of my relationship with my mother that pertained to wedding planning as this is a forum for weddings....Not that it is anyone's business but our relationship is rocky for a number of reasons.  I couldn't even hope to sum up the extent of a lifetime with someone in one thread.  So I suppose I will make is clearer to you if necessary that my mom's only infraction is not throwing out this stuff.  My calling her repeatedly to get my wedding stuff over the course of months should have indicated to her that I wanted these items and her thinking that I wanted them removed due to painful memories is a little far fetched.  No, we were not particularly close before my first engagement.  Truthfully, my mother had left me at my grandparents house when I was 15 and abandoned me.  Granted I wasn't that young but 15 is a time when most girls want to be able to talk to and see there mother especially girls whose father left when they were 3.  She moved in with a man who she had met through work.  He was wrapping up a divorce when she got involved with him.  He was the first person she had dated in almost 20 years.  He has severe OCD and requires a lot of....I'm not quite sure care-taking is the appropriate term but lets just say he likes everything just so and needs a woman who will bend over backwards to make everything just so for him.  My therapist actually says this fascillitation of someone with a compulsive disorder is the last thing they need but I guess this is her empty nester syndrome or something.  I, her younger daughter, was about to grow up and not need her, so my mother found a man who needed to be babied twice as much as me.  My mom would only call me or see me for an hour or so each week during this time and I felt very forgotten.  I would beg her to come home.  Meanwhile, I felt like I hardly knew her.  She lost a lot of weight during this time, got a tattoo, began getting highlights in her hair and tanning.  I was happy to see that she was taking pride again in the beautiful woman she is but then when she stopped talking the way she used to and began going to church with this guy for the first time in her life, I realized she was changing for him.  She claimed that she had always wanted to be more religious...  They are married now and my stepfather has such social anxiety that I have to schedule visiting there home way in advance otherwise he gets too overwhelmed.  On more than one occasion I have been turned away by my mother at her house because he isn't in the mood for a visit.  Daughters should always be welcome at their mother's home regardless of what kind of basket case they married. My stepdad is a nice enough guy but he is also very insecure.  So much so that he does not allow my mom to put up photos of my sister and I in their house because that reminds him of my mom's previous relationship with my dad (even though photos of his kids and grandkids from his 1st marriage are everywhere).  Did I mention that he is 11 years older than my mom as well?  He loves me in his own weird way but all he sees me as is a symbol of my mom's relationship with another man even though it was 25 years ago.  So yeah, my mom kind of sold out to marry Mr. Monk.  My mom and I were not that close for a long time but we got by nice enough.  We were pleasant but I had already learned that she wasn't very interested in being involved in my life and I had learned to take care of myself.  Should I also mention for you all, that my sister who was almost 18 at the time my mom and stepdad met was thrilled that Mom was so distracted by this new relationship because she had begun stripping in San Francisco and dating a 40 year old club owner who bought her fake boobs as a birthday present.  My mother was oblivious to this until two years later (my sister was still dancing at this time).  

My mom was completely uninvolved in my life until I told her I was engaged and then she was mom of the year again.  I was embarrassed to tell her that I was engaged at first because even though I had been with the guy for 7 years and he was my high school sweetheart, I thought she would tell me i was too young.  But no, she was thrilled and was meeting with me weekly to talk all things wedding.  I was on cloud nine because we finally had the relationship I had dreamed of with her.  The second I told her that I was calling off my wedding to him and why, she withheld her love all over again.  

When my mom met my stepdad she sort of abandoned her parents too, whose support she could never have managed to be a single parent without.  But she ditched me with them and I have helped support them financially through bankruptcy even though my mom makes a substantial amount of money as does her husband.  It seems that it should be her helping them out and not the 23 year old.  In addition, my grandparents health has failed them in the past couple years.  Even though I live 2 cities from them, I am the one who takes my grandmother to the emergency room in the middle of the night and sits with her for hours because she says she couldn't get ahold of my mom.  I moved out when I was 19, supported myself completely, work 40 hrs/week while being a full time pre med student and paying for my schooling all my own as well.  I take care of my grandparents emotionally and financially.  As if I didn't feel enough like a stuffy adult who has to make tough decisions, in the past year I have discovered that a man I loved likes to play with the genitals of two year old boys and I had to learn to fall out of love with him over the course of months of expensive therapy.  Now I am paying for and planning a $7000 wedding on my own because I don't have a whole lot of support from my family while my mother actively tries to stand in my way.  My point, Ree723, is that I have been dealt a pretty unfair hand and all of it has made me grow up a little faster than most I believe. How did you put it..."Statements like that are not convincing me (nor your mother I am sure!) that you are anywhere near mature enough to be getting married." Let me guess, your mommy and daddy paid for your dream wedding and watched with supportive tears from the pews and you have never had to want for anything....sound about right?  You want to talk mature?  Just saying that making loaded statements about someone that you read a few paragraghs about does not make you a worthy judge of their character.  I took this matter to weddingbee for support and not to convince anyone of anything. Just remember, before you decide you are the expert, you don't know me and lucky for you, you don't have to know my selfish, manipulative mother. Cheers!                     

@RobotBabooshka:  Man sweetie, I was right there with you with your response to the PP until you directed a loaded title on her as well. 

That being said, you have gone through SO SO much at age 23 that almost none of us can begin to imagine.  I cannot fathom the pain and shame you felt being abandoned by your mom at such a formidable age, and then how horrendous it has been to discover the past of your ex.

I do not know if this helps at all, but my mom is pretty messed up too, and I used to get upset and dwell on all the crap she pulled.  I went to therapy (finally) a few years back, and the therapist had some interesting advise.  I was very worked up about some poor financial decisions my mother made that hurt the family, and the therapist paused and said honey, does your mom make lots of poor decisions? I said yes.  She asked if I would classify her as a rational or irrational person.  I said irrational, 100%, and then she said, so dear, why would you ever exhaust yourself applying rational logic to any of your mother's choices?  She recommended I disentagle myself entirely, and any further damage that would occur in the meantime, to consider collateral damage or a rational person becoming untied from an irrational individual.

My point is, I dont know your mother and I dont know you, but if I had to bet who was the highly functioning, rational individual out of the two of you, I would say you.  Your mom sounds like an irrational loose cannon, who doesnt support your source of comfort (your new fiance) that helped you get through the darkest times in your life.  You KNOW due to her reaction about your ex that she is not rational, so I urge you to consider this donated wedding stuff as a symptom of HER issues, and collateral damage as you untie yourself from her more and more so that you can achieve your greatest happiness.

The others might disagree, but I definitely sympathize with you hunny ((Hugs)).