Post # 1
so don’t get my wrong–I love my mother. But she is driving me insane. She insists upon having everything run by her for approval and even then feels as though she is left out whenever I make a decision. Earlier this week we fought about cardigans versus wraps. I really don’t find such arguements to be important–I mean weddings are about more than what the bridesmaids wear and which would look more formal right?? I’m a long distance bride (in another country) so she is really getting to do a lot, but not much seems to satify.
Here is a example:
Me- (excited) so I figured out that I can mail invitations to Groom’s family’s house and address and send them once I arrive in August!
My mom: Oh, well it needs to be at least 8 weeks before
Me: Yes, it will be exactly
Mom: well, if that’s what you want to do. I HAD been looking online at calligraphy pens to write them with.
Me: (surprised) oh really? you know how to do calligraphy?
my mom: yes, that’s what I was thinking I’d do. (deep sigh) but if you want to do them another way than that’s fine
me: well you didn’t tell me you wanted to do that so I didn’t know. I could mail them all to you but do you really want to address all of them?
My mom: it’s fine. just do it how you want. they won’t be formal enough for calligraphy anyway.
me: okay….*banging my head into the wall*
Any ideas in how to deal with this? Has anyone dealt with this sort of wedding planning mother before? I mean, she has amazing ideas, is super organized, and really WANTS to help–she just has been convinced that she should be the one I’m reporting to when it comes to decisions instead of the other way around!
Any ideas would be wonderful.
Post # 3
Well who is paying for the wedding. IMO, if she is, then she should have SOME input. Looks to me like a long conversation is in order and some better communication all around.
Post # 4
I agree with bluespurrs about whether or not she’s paying for it or not. My mom can be overbearing at times (probably not as overbearing as your mom seems through this conversation). Especially things that are REALLy important to her like invitations, flowers, etc. It is really frustrating when you feel like you’re having to appease her when it should be the other way around. It’s funny, when she disagrees with me on something or says her 2 cents on something, I feel guilty for going through with what I want. Do you ever feel that way?
When my mom gets like that…I have to tell her to back off. I’m normally not the confrontational type, but I’ve had to learn how to communicate with her that she can be overbearing. Overall, she still tries to stay in charge at times, but I have to keep reminding her to back off. She’s learned to do this and it’s helped decrease both of our frustrations with planning. It’s really important to tell her how you’re feeling or else she’ll keep doing it. Another thing is, she might not even be aware of it!
Post # 5
She is trying to plan her perfect wedding through you! I am sorry you are dealing w/ this!
Post # 6
I have always disagreed that money should buy you the power to decide things for someone else’s event. The money our families gave us for our wedding came 100% without strings. It is possible for that to happen.
Honestly, I’d just tell her how you feel as nicely as possible. Her actions and drama are making it harder for you to plan, period. She had a wedding already. It’s your turn now.
Post # 7
I’m not sure what you can do except let her know how this is making you feel. Its your wedding day not hers! My 94 yro grandmother put it like this… “One day your parents will be gone and you don’t want to look back on your wedding day with any regrets.”
Morbid thought I know, but there is some truth to it and tbh I agree with Crayfish, money from families should come as gifts not with strings attached.
That said I’m about to experience the same thing you are, overbearing mother who likes to be 100% in control.
Good luck! I hope you manage to have an adult conversation with her. I know my conversation with my mother is going to be rather loud.
Post # 8
Yea, she can have some input, but not all of it. If she is going to hold paying for the wedding against you… then I would say, “Hey mom, I think it’s great that you want to pay. However, I really have some dreams of my own that you are not letting me do. And because of that, I think maybe I should pay for it if it’s going to be a big deal. This is my wedding.” Something along the lines of that. I dunno, I just think it’s wrong for her to fight tooth and nail every decision about the wedding.
My mom is paying 100% for my wedding. I originally thought I had to do what she said… dad told me I was crazy. He said, “Mom is going to want to control everything, but this is your wedding… we’re paying for it… but it needs to be our vision.” I’m so glad I got his permission to do my own thing. I am including her in everything possible (I gave the job of invitations to her completely).
So basically, I think you just need to talk to her and say what you’re feeling. Tell her that you lover her opinions and welcome them. However, it almost seems like you’re wants/visions are not coming forth in the wedding planning so far because you’ve done what she wanted this whole time. The wedding should reflect you and your FI, and if it’s not doing this, then something is wrong IMO.
Post # 9
Thank you girls for all your advice. I know it all does seem a bit childish at times– and I’m wishing this experience was more fun wedding planning than constant bickering
Luckily she’s taking a week long vacation to relax from all this “crazy wedding planning” because she says she needs a break. I figured, upon her return we could have a good heart to heart. She HAS been holding it over my head that they are paying for everything–and continually tells me how I need to stop asking my friends opinions and just talk to her, so I’m trying to e-mail her more often to let her feel invovled in the process.
I guess it’s better to have a mother who wants a relationship during the wedding season than not right? I’m staying positive that we’ll talk it out and see each other’s sides. Until then, the FI is being amazing and super supportive of me. Thank God for wonderful men!
Post # 10
Mine is the same way. It can be annoying at times but for the most part I kinda appreciate how much she wants to be involved. It’s almost like having a wedding planner haha. If you’re not super into planning details just let her do it. Less stress on you, right? Plus, it is my parents who are paying
Post # 11
I feel your pain… I picked the place she loved (but after more research, didn’t realize how freakin’ expensive it was). Bought the dress she cried over, gave up ice cream because she made me feel so bad about a cake… My fiance promised to take me somewhere for our first year anniversary to renew our vows, and do it how I wanted…
But, I’m two weeks out from the date, and my grandmother is hospitalized, and about to be put into hospice. It has really put things into perspective for me, that, I’m lucky to have a Mom, and that she cares about it being special… even if she doesn’t realize all I want to do is get married and everything else is the details!