Post # 1
My wonderful and beautiful wedding was this past weekend. Under pressure from family, I invited my estranged dad to my wedding. He arrived dressed like a homeless person, and had to be cut off from the bar halfway into cocktail hour. Whatever, I am surrounded by wonderful friends and family, and it didn’t really bother me because I don’t have to interact with him. After the first dance, I danced with my mom, since she raised me and paid for the wedding and she’s my real parent. Mid-dance, she drags me over to where he is sitting, pulls him to his feet, and puts my hand in his. All of this is in front of all the guests, so I am forced to dance with him in front of all my nearest and dearest, who know that I haven’t spoken to him in years (and after the way he acted all night, I don’t plan on changing that). She also took away what was my attempt to honor her by dancing with her to a song she used to sing to me.
My day was otherwise absolutely perfect, and the only black spot was that moment. Even though she threw me this wonderful event, I’m angry she put me through that. I’m considering talking to her about it, but I’m not sure I should. On one hand, I’d feel better. On the other hand, it’s too late to change anything now and I don’t want to undermine everything else she did to make my wedding wonderful. What should I do?
Post # 3
I think, she thought she was doing something good for you, something she thought you’d regret not doing. Don’t get hung up on your attempt to honor her, as obviously she shared that moment all on her own. bringing it up,if her reasonings were from the heart, will only make her feel horrible and will not make you feel better.
Post # 4
I would probably rant and rave, but perhaps a gentler conversation would be better. It wasn’t cool of her to put you on the spot like that.
Post # 5
She may have thought she was doing you a favor. It’s hard when you are the hurt one and you can’t see past what’s happened; but she is your mother and at one point her and your father were together and they created you, and she may truly believe that she was saving you from regretting dancing with the man that created you. He may be the worst person alive but she gave you the gift of a chance to dance with your father, and any anger or irritation or anything of that sort should not be directed at her. It’s also easier to hate a parent when they are alive, but when they are dead and there is no changing anything ever, there is often regret. I’m not ragging on you because I totally feel you, but I thought I could give you another perspective.
Post # 6
Yikes. Once you’ve cooled down a little (and I don’t blame you!!), is there a non-threatening, gentle way you can communicate your feelings to your mom? I mean, you definitely were the bigger person just to invite your dad to your wedding…why on earth was it okay of her to make you go through a surprise dance, too?
Maybe this was just a one time thing, but if you talk to your mother about how you feel, you might nip future awkward situations in the bud.
Post # 7
I think she knows already it was a bad move, as a friend told me she was going around justifying her decision to everyone she talked to. I don’t see what she did as giving me an opportunity, I see it as the one person who is supposed to keep me safe the most forcing me into an awful and emotionally charged situation.
I don’t hate my dad, but he’s a sick person and I can’t be around him for my own mental health. I think I am as equally upset with myself as I am with my mom, because in retrospect inviting him was a mistake. He didn’t see my invitation as generosity- he spent the whole night in a tantrum because he wasn’t a guest of honor.
Post # 8
@likewoah: Normally, I am a big advocate of communicating about situations like this with the person(s) in the wrong (to you). However, realistically speaking, how often is something like this going to come up again? If she was constantly surprising you by bringing your dad along to functions, then okay talking about it would be productive. As the situation stands, the most salient moral of the story for your mom is to not to force you to dance with him at your next wedding, lol.
I can’t even imagine how pissed off you must be and rightfully so. When you calm down, you’ll be able to better judge whether to talk to your mom or not. How about writing a letter but not sending it? That often helps me to deal with pent up anger and resentment. Hell, let it loose here in WB and write out the riot act you’d like to read her in person!
Post # 9
@HisMoon: That’s a good point! My mom didn’t think this through very well either- if/when my younger sister gets married she will probably elope to avoid giving my mom the chance to pull that again. She was probably almost as horrified by the surprise dance as I was!
Post # 10
I would be pissed and I would not stay quiet about it. I’m not sure if it’s the best course of action but I’d not be shy about how angry I was…
Post # 11
- Wedding: December 2014 - Catal Restaurant
I know you’re mad but maybe it was a closure thing. Maybe she needed to see it and thought you needed to feel it. I mean, if she raised you all on her own I would think she would hold something against your dad for it.
Maybe as a mom, when you were born she dreamed about your wedding day and she pictured you dancing with your dad and just really needed that moment for herself. IDK. Just a thought.