My mom wants to be there the first time I drink?

posted 3 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 3
1007 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@ForeverBirds:  Wow! Sounds like quite a load to carry. First of all, you cannot control your mom’s actions–only how you react to them. Don’t react at all. Don’t be her  captive audience, or let her control you with tears, accusations, rage, etc.

You can state what your plans are, but leave it at that. If she tries to pressure you into changing them, just simply thank her for the input and change the subject if need be. Be like a bland customer service agent “thank you for your input. I’ll take it into consideration.” like a robot over and over, and move onto other topics.

I’d strongly recommend (provided you are able to afford it) moving out into your own place as soon as possible. She is definitely going to resist, but you’re an adult and eventually will want to establish your own identity separate from her. Good luck!

Post # 5
3778 posts
Honey bee

Wow. There seems to be some serious issues here! And if my Mum had insisted on being there when i had my first legal drink at 18, it would have made me feel the same. Can there be some compromise? Maybe have A glass of bubbly at home to toast the special occasion before you go out with your friends??

Post # 6
65 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Just go out and drink with your friends. Just dont tell your mum if she says anything later let her get you a drink and go along with it.  Really drinking is no big deal.  I remember the first time I was out drinking with my friends it was fun but no big deal. I guess after 10 years it’s not that big a thing. ( don’t forget in Austrlia we only have to be 18 not 21 so it’s the sort of thing we do as kids. By the time uni is over it’s all out of our systems. 

Post # 7
7664 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

I suggest that you go out with Mum on the day and don’t drink at all on the day. Then make an appointment with your friends to celebrate your birthday later in the week. Simples. If your Mum harasses you on the day, simply order a lime and soda and tell her it contains gin.

Seriously though… you’ve never had a drink? I can’t even remember the first time I drank. I was probably about… 7, and had a half glass of Buck’s Fizz with Christmas dinner or something, LOL! DH was apparently about two, and his father gave him a thimbleful of beer to try. Apparently he immediately fell asleep!

Post # 8
7025 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@ForeverBirds:  “Maybe it’s normal for a mom to want to be there“.

Speaking as a mother of a girl about your age – no it’s not normal! I don’t even know when she had her drink in a pub or hotel (because the age is 18 here) but it would have been freaking weird if I was there with her bf and friends.

I suggest you stop talking to her about it, and on the night in question simply say you’re going out with friends.

Post # 9
371 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2000


You got some great advice from @Sweet_Tea: I’ve been around a fair bit of BPD, and I agree with the ‘customer service’ approach. Whether or not it’s intended, what she’s doing is emotional blackmail. The ‘balance of power’ (though that’s kind of a strong turn of phrase!) takes a major shift when the extreme shenanigans she’s pulling (again, perhaps not intentionally) fail to elicit the reaction she’s learned to expect.

You’re doing so well for yourself. Seriously, that scholarship and the goals you’re succeeding at are a big deal. This birthday, and the experience you’ve anticipated for a long time, are important to you and you deserve to have that respected. It’s a pity that in this instance the tried-and-true “just explain to them how you really feel” might come up short. Yes, she may take it personally and try to make your decision all about her and some sort of personal affront, but you know it isn’t and shouldn’t react as if it is. So much easier said than done, but if she’s not even at the stage where she acknowledges she might need some help with some of her forms of behaviour, then all it’s in your power to do is starve the fire of oxygen. 


Post # 10
116 posts
Blushing bee

Toasting before dinner with your mum is a great idea, as suggested by @MsBeer.  If it is your first drink you will feel a buzz anyway and maybe not want to drink more with dinner, so you can reassure your mum you won’t have any more without her that night.


Post # 11
1952 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Yeahh, even if my mum was around to see me turn 18 and have my first drink, I’d rather do it with my friends. Tell her of your plans, leave it at that and if she questions it on the night, tell her again and just leave. You don’t have to answer to her. If you want a drink with your friends get a drink with your friends.

Post # 12
222 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Maybe it would be nice if you ask your mom to be the one to have your first drink with you, just you two. Maybe kick off your bday in the wee hours of the morning with mimosas & a big breakfast or bloodymarys and a happy bday cupcake for you, try out whatever her favorite drink is or make a list of drinks you want to try & the two of you create miniatures together. P.S. This way, you’ll know what to order at the bar. Lol

 I’ve learned that fewer things get blown out of proportion with my own mom if I take them in stride and don’t make a big deal out of them. Make it silly, dress up in your bathrobes, put on mud masks, deep condition your hair, take pics holding your martini or whatever kind of glass you’re gonna use.  Make a memorable moment out of it. Ten years from now, I guaranteed it’ll crack you up and you’ll be glad you did. Whenever I visit my mom, she lives 3 states away, we always go to a bar, have lunch & her favorite drink, a pina colada… Just the 2 of us. Laughing


Post # 14
7997 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@Tyme4AWedNN2014:  Good advice!

OP, sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders!

I too am not a big drinker and never drank when I was a teenager. I have European parents so I did gets sips of alcohol since I was a kid… but I think that’s a good way to parent so that it’s not some taboo substance. Many kids who didn’t get ANY alcohol growing up go nuts and die of alcohol poisoning when they hit legal age (it’s 18 here in my province in Canada). It’s nice to hear that you’re being totally sensible about it.

Post # 15
222 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Awww, that’s unfortunate, well tread lightly with mom & try not to let it overshadow your bday. It’s your 21st, have a blast & go out with BAAANNNNGGGG!

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