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So my mom came to visit this weekend and got all googly eyed over my niece and nephew and her friend's grandkids. She started telling me how when I have a baby, she can't wait to come stay with us and she'll be there for the birth and she'll come stay with us for a week or so. I told her I wasn't sure if *we* WANTED someone living with us for a week right afterwards. She got all teary-eyed and hurt, saying it's "what mommies do" and how she's been looking forward to teaching me how to do everything, how new moms mess up if someone doesn't show them how to swaddle or change a diaper because they don't know better, how I'll need help around the house, who will do our dishes? Who will feed the baby while i'm sleeping (to which i said, um, how does baby eat without my boobies? she answered with a bottle. Umm...hopefully not) etc. And i said, "well, isn't that what my husband is for? He gets paternity leave, ya know? He already plans on being home for a week". And she was like, "oh...I still want to be there to show you everything". My dad owned his own business so he had to go back to work RIGHT away.
Long story short, it's been stressing me out for a few days now. I'm upset that I've somehow hurt my mom, but I don't think it's unreasonable to expect it to be "just the three of us" for at least a few days or a week, THEN have my mom come stay with me when he goes back to work. Cuz it's not like she can come visit for a few hours. And she can be a very overwhelming presence. I like to figure things out for myself--i don't like to/need to be told. I firmly believe i have instincts =]. She has some very strong views on childraising that I don't necessarily agree with (she told me nobody should hold a newborn except the parents. Um, apparently my dad's mom never got to hold me as a newborn. How sad! NO WAY can i keep DH's mom and grandparents away for that long. aunts/uncles, maybe. I'm ok keeping extended family away for a month, haha. they have a tendency to pass a newborn around like a hot potato. I'm not a fan). The idea of my mom showing me/telling me how to do every single little thing already makes me want to cry with frustration. She does that now when she comes and visits (Emily, you're painting wrong, why don't you put your dishes away like this? telling her friend we live sloppy-um, we are working on the house. Sorry, that's how it works!). My mom also made a very bold statement about how she never let my dad's friends hold me (in case they were sexual perverts!) and uh, DH has already told me if his best friend wants to hold our kids, it's A-OK with him.
Is it normal for a mom to come stay with their daughter for a few days/week? Is that a good idea and I'm just stubborn? Or does it seem reasonable that I'd want at least, a few days, just him, me, and the baby we have yet to TTC? She was so hurt and insulted about it. I just told her i wanted some time just for us since he'll be off work, too. But she doesn't quite get it. Advice or stories to share? I know i'm jumping the gun but dammit it's bugging me!
Dang that was long. I'm passing out cookies to people who read it 
Sorry, but I agree with your mom. You will be very thankful to have her there when the time comes.
Sounds like she's really over excited about helping raise your future children. I'd definitely stick to your guns with this one. I know it's going to be hard with my mum when FH and I decide to have kids and it's definitely going to be hard with FH's family as they're all going to want to get involved. We already have a plan where FH barricades the delivery room door from everyone but us and everyone can wait in the waiting room until I and the baby are ready to see them.
Do you think your mom will be more demanding to be involved when you do fall pregnant? Or do you think you'll be able to reason with her then? Also if you go to prenatal classes and things I'm sure they'll teach you a lot of the skills you'll need that she doesn't think you'll know.
Sorry, this isn't necessarily helpful. But I understand the frustration!
Yummm, cookies! What kind?
Seriously, no I don't think it's normal for mothers to do this. I think you were right to squash it right away. Sure, I think it would be nice to have all of the help, but like you said, not directly after the birth. How far away is your Mom?
I know that it's pretty common, but I've already told Mr. C that there is NO WAY anyone will be coming to stay with us when we have kids. I know it will be his mom who wants to, not mine, and I'm absolutely not okay with that. I want to have the time with my new family, just the three of us, for a while before anyone comes to visit. And even then, hopefully we'll live close enough to everyone that people can come for a day and then go home. :)
So, no, I don't think you're being unreasonable, and I agree with you 100%.
No! Not unless you want her to and obviously you don't LOL! I know I wouldn't want my mom around either!
How can she help if she can't hold the newborn because she is not a parent???
I really think you should stick to your guns and tell her you would really like it if she would come when DH is back to work. Hopefully by the time you have a baby she will understand and not be so hurt!
Can I have my cookie now?
OMG I thought I was the only one that obsessed over this! I don't plan to have any babies anytime soon but my mom is constantly telling me how she can't wait for me to have a baby and how she will quit her job so that I won't leave my baby in a daycare. She also already told me that I will come live with her for the first month so that she can take care of me...uh NO! I mean I love her to death and I know she really just wants to spoil me and future baby but is it so wrong to want to learn everything with FI. Of course I want my mommy's advice but I also want to learn everything as we go. My mom also thinks she is super mom, so she thinks that her parenting ideas are the only way to go. So I know for a fact that she is going to drive me nuts and I am going to want to punch her at least once a day LOL. I am dreading this conversatin when I finally do get pregnant lol.
PS. My mom told me she expects her grandkids to call her MOMMA like i do! I was like mom I am going to be their momma and she says no you can be the mom I will be the momma...wtf? seriously!
Sorry. I also agree with your Mom. You have no idea how exhausted you will be, and it will be wonderful to have another set of hands to let you nap,cook some food,do some laundry,etc. I don't know how I would have survived my first few weeks withOUT my Mom. Men are on their toes for the first week,but then are dropping from lack of sleep, so many times won't hear a thing. By the second week it catches up to YOU. With Mom there? She'll be happy to drag herself around and help where needed.
This is a very normal thing,if you have a normal relationship with your Mom.
My mom is just sort of smothering and overwhelming and i know she'll be hovering over my shoulder 24/7. She'll be like, "you're doing it wrong, let me do it" or cluck disapprovingly. And I know my husband doesn't want to be told how to hold a newborn correctly (um, we have a niece and nephew! He's held them both!) She actually took a paintbrush OUT OF MY HAND this weekend to correct how i was painting the wall. When i told her to leave it be, she literally took it from me. I know she's really excited, but she can be invasive, also. I think her being around may keep my husband from being involved, too.
My mom lives about 4.5 hours away.
(@Futuremrsmartin, I asked her that, too! Apparently only parents and her, haha. I told her us and immediate family after they wash their hands!)
But see, my husband will be home from work. So he'll be cooking and doing laundry. Then when he goes back to work, mom steps in. I'm only talking about a few days, up to a week, just us 3. I'm not banning mom for a month =]
I think it is a fairly common thing for a new mom's mom or MIL to come and stay and help out. If you have a mostly good relationship with your mom, you'll probably be happy to have her help when the time comes. Since you already know some of the issues that will arise during this time, maybe you could revisit this with your mom and say you'd love for her to come and you will appreciate her help, but you know this will be a stressful time for you and your husband and these are some ground rules for her stay. Also, you still have time to have some discussions with your mom about some of the things you plan to do with your baby, and why you've made these choices and why they are important to you and hopefully you can ease her into respecting your views a little more.
I'm a little torn about what to say to this. My mother isn't the gooey-eyed type at ALL, so when I had my son last year the offer wasn't even made. I didn't expect her to do it, so I wasn't hurt when she didn't offer. I may have made the exception for her, but besides my own mom, I didn't want anyone staying with my and my FI after we'd had the baby.
That said, you just can't possibly imagine how hard it is that first week. I had an amazing baby and a quick recovery compared to many new moms, and even still it was HARD. You just might really appreciate the help when the time comes.
But, maybe you can come to a compromise with her. Tell her how much you appreciate her offer, but that you would like a few days at home with your new family. Once your SO returns to work you would love to have her help.
In hindsight, I know my mom won't come to stay with us when we have our second baby, but this time I won't be so hardheaded about other help that is offered to us. "What's that FMIL, you want to stop by to drop off a lasagne and take care of baby for a couple hours? YES PLEASE!"
I can also definitely relate to having to struggle with a difference of opinion on how to raise children. My FMIL has some ideas that I do not agree with, and it's been really difficult to deal diplomatically with this. I realize that she has children herself, and she is experienced, but times have changed, and it's my turn to raise my child the way that I see fit. Be sure to stick to your guns and not let anyone make you feel bad for your choices.
I don't think there's a "should" or a "usually" here. If you want your mom to come stay with you once you have a baby, great! If you don't, she should respect that. Bringing a baby home is a huge, life-changing thing and everyone who loves you should be prepared to do whatever you need. If that means being surrounded by friends and family (which is definitely what we want!) then I would hope they would all be there for you. If what you need is space to adjust to your new life and your new family unit, then I would hope that all your loved ones would be there for you by understanding that and...well..NOT being there. There's no right or wrong here--it's whatever you, your husband, and your baby need. Good luck!
I actually think this isn't that unusual.. paternity leave is a pretty new invention and she probably just doesn't realize that your husband is expecting to help you in that first week (even if you tell her, she probably hasn't been able to internalize it yet). I think this is going to be a sensitive issue, and I might not dig in your heels, just yet: when you actually get pregnant, you might find that you want your mom there, even though you don't feel like it now. In the meantime, you can tell your mom that you should talk about it after you're pregnant! No good can come out of conflict about it right now!
What a crappy situation :( I can totally see me and my mom getting into this same sort of disagreement when the time comes. Some women just assume that the grandma should be there to help, but it sounds like you are like me and know that having your mom around would just make the whole situation more stressful. But if your mom is anything like mine, she probably has no clue that what she considers help is anything less that wonderful. sigh.
Your mom isn't coming out of left field here, because what she is suggesting is pretty common in some families. However it ultimately needs to be your decision. (And I agree, you are making the right one). It might be a blessing in disguise that this came up now because telling her that you don't really want that kind of help is going to be hurtful, there's no way around it, but at least you are breaking it to here now and not once you're 9 months pregnant and she's REALLY excited. Now at least she can get used to the idea.
Are you sure there's no way to compromise? Can you tell her that having house guests is stressful to you, and that you think it would be much more helpful to your recovery and the baby's adjustment if she waited a few days, and then visited later by staying in a hotel and coming over for a couple hours each day-- that way it's not too taxing on the baby, you see ;)
Definitely stand your ground. If you already know you will be frustrated by her presence, then be firm and ask her to come at a later time. It's perfectly ok to be by yourself (without visitors) when the baby arrives and don't let anyone guilt you into thinking otherwise since you are not the only person who has done so. At the same time, she needs to respect your views and lifestyle and keep her thoughts to herself, even if she doesn't agree with what you do since this is your life to experience.
I want some time alone like you. I want to find our rythym. And even though we love them dearly, sometimes family turns out to be a job for US than for them to help. They come to help but they aren't much help.
My preference is for people not to bother us until after the fact. I don't want anyone other than my husband in the room with me and I want some time after the labor with just DH, baby and I. I don't want to have to entertain people. I know people will be there for the baby but it seems like a show for the mom as well. I want a relaxed environment and I know with certain people, it won't be.
I think that it depends. Some girls think it is normal for their mothers to plan their wedding for them... some girls want their mothers to come live with them and be there when they give birth. I have to say it isn't for me. I think it's important to have time to get your feet under you as a new mom before someone else comes swooping in and telling you how to do things. Yes, it might be helpful, but like you, I'd rather have the help after a week or two have passed.
I can imagine it being more helpful for a second child, when you've got a little one running around needing attention as you are recovering from the birth.
I say that boundaries are a girls best friend. Set them up and be firm, but kind :)
Yup, it is super common! It really can be a huge help, even if your husband will also be around. You will both be super tired and probably overwhelmed, like most new parents!
That said, if it is going to make you uncomfortable, etc, it isn't some hard and fast rule - tell her that you don't want to go that route! She will obviously be upset, but she'll get over it once she sees her grandchild!!
If i was going to be alone, and he had to go back to work immediately, I would definitely want her there right away. DH has said that he thinks her being here would take away from what he sees as HIS parental duties. Taking care of baby when i nap and taking care of the house (even if it's ordering pizza =] ) and doing laundry.
@greenleaf, I think a few days would be a good balance. But she was pretty big on "as soon as you go into labor, we're driving up". A hotel would not fly. We have plenty of space and I'd feel rude banishing her to a hotel.
She has a tendency to guffaw and call other moms "stupid" for doing things she disagree with. Things I don't think are a big deal. A lot of her opinions are pretty outdated in regards to childcare.
It doesn't help that i'm painting the room that will eventuall be a nursery, LOL.
I can really sympathize. That paintbrush story sounds just like something my mom would do. She doesn't mean to be antagonistic or anything, she's just very straightforward about what she thinks, and tends to think that it should be self evident why her opinions are the right ones- so anyone who thinks differently doesn't get a lot of respect from her.
Wow, that would be a nightmare for me! While I would want some help and companionship, I would only want it on my own terms- and moms don't always operate like that. I think that personally I would want to have at LEAST a week with DH to get used to the new situation. Personally, I can see myself needing some time to adjust, because having ANOTHER person around (aka a family member or a mom) would cause me MORE stress. But then again, maybe she could be sweet and helpful. But still, I would want my space.
Also, what you said DH felt is very sweet, that he felt her being there would take away from his duties. It is important to let him feel important and in charge. I remember my first boyfriend said that was his biggest fear- us having a baby that my mom "took over"- he said he had nightmares about her being in the birthing room and controlling everything! I feel the same way!
PS- I think you are being totally reasonable. You have the right to set up boundaries and gently let mom know that you desire a few days to yourself with DH and baby. Let her know she is welcome at ___ (specific point in time that your feel comfortable with.)
While my mom stayed with me after both timess, I can understand your feelings. It sounds like you have a different (and more realistic) view of child-rearing, and you should go with your instincts. If your husband can be home with you, simply tell your mom that you want a private birth and want to spend time alone until you three get settled. Start early so she gets used to the idea. You've already opened that door, so at least the initial shock is over.
I think it's normal for moms to offer this (and want to do this) if they can... but I think you are also very normal to not want her there right away :)
Luckily my brother broke my mom in on this idea with his first a couple years ago and she totally agreed it was a good idea for the new family to have a week or two to feel things out and develop their own style. IF THEY WANTED. Agree - not everyone wants to do this.
Seeing as my mom is a bit controlling... and I kinda take after her... it's already going to be a little stressful as I do my very best to keep my mouth shut as my hubby learns to be a daddy. Yes I'll be learning too - but I'm very comfortable and confident with babies. He could not handle me AND my mom as he's getting adjusted.
I've told my mom we'd probably like around 2 weeks... and should something happen with the birth leaving me with more 'recovery' than expected we may ask her to come early. Luckily she's flexible.
They touchy part for me is that I requested she come alone and not bring her fiance. (not that first time at least) Long story for my reasonings. Her reaction was 'we'll talk about it' - but as far as I'm concerned there's nothing to talk about :) It's my request.
If the subject comes up again I'd just try to put the most positive spin on it as possible. "Mom - I'm really excited about sharing this time with you and all your advice - but it will be most beneficial once hubby goes back to work and I'm on my own. It'd help us MOST if you came at this time" maybe have a couple reasons why you feel the 'birth' is really just about you and your hubby. Maybe get her help in some of the other 'prep' stuff so she feels invovled and not so hurt she's not there right away???
The way I look at it, after not sleeping well for the last couple of months, and then going through a possibly long and exhausting labour, followed with tons of people visiting in the hospital and when you first get back, you might appreciate her being there the first week so that you can actually sleep...
I have 2 sisters,and both have become Grandmothers in the past 4 years. With their own children,they were very different. Now that they have Grands, they are fun loving, excited about everything, act silly...MUCH different from how they were as Mothers. Even my BIL, who was pretty strict and liked to scare all the kids when they were little,has turned in to this big mushball ,and everyone is amazed at the transition.
Right now you only have your own memories of how she was with you growing up, but she'll probably surprise you with knowing her boundaries, only giving advice when asked, respecting that YOU are the mother and not HER. Its a whole new dynamic.
I wouldn't push her aside, and its probably good that you're talking about it now to give you all food for thought, but I really wouldn't lose any sleep over it already. lol
omg, if you don't want her there you have to tell her no. Otherwise you and your husband will be resentful of her presence and it will be totally awkward. I had a baby last month and trust me, the first week is not rocket science and as long as your husband is there to help, you really don't need anyone else. Also it's one thing to come and help out, but it's another thing altogether to have her stay with you. If she comes she should really stay at a hotel or rent a place or something... it would be different if you invited her to come and stay, but you aren't, so she shouldn't presume she is welcome. I went through this thing with my mom and I'm so glad I stuck to my guns otherwise she would have driven me bat shit crazy. You'll be alright but it's time to set some boundaries with her.
Hmm I don't know, I think it is pretty common for people to have help in the very beginning. I totally understand though if your mom is the type that is overbearing and will not really let you do your own thing. No one is going to want to be constantly told how to hold their baby and such. Does your mom live far away, is that why she would need to stay with you? Both of our parents live close by so it wouldn't be necessary for them to actually stay with us. I wouldn't mind them stopping by, but I get that you wouldn't want someone actually spending the night there for a week. I'm worried that his mom is going to be way too overbearing when we have kids. I deal with her being that way now, but I think when we have kids I'm not going to keep my mouth shut if she crosses the line anymore.
My mom will definitely be with us whenever we have kids. Because of my FI's job it is entirely possible that he will be a state away stuck on a train working and not make it back in time even if I call the emergency number he'd still have to have a van pick him up and drive him home. Also, he won't have much time (if any( off unless we can the baby comes close enough to due date and he can get his vacation then. My mom will probably stay and be the person to run errands like bying groceries to give us time alone or make us dinner as well as handle the phone calls and drop bys. Luckily though, my mom knows when her welcome is up and knows that I am very capable of being a mother without her hounding me about how to do something. I'm not sure how FMIL will act, I know she'll be excited but she's always so worried about stepping on toes that ususally ends up doing nothing which hurts my feelings more. When her daughter has kids she'll be over there all the time...I'm hoping our kids get the same attention.
I'm 9 months pregnant and just had this same conversation with my mom. Apparently somewhere along the way she got the idea that she was going to be there for the delivery....Not only no, but Hell no! My mother stresses me out in very similar ways to what you described. She also mentioned coming to stay in my basement to take care of the baby.
I very firmly explained to her that no one needs to see what goes on down there besides my husband. I also told her that I don't expect her to take care of the baby. I expect her to show up, hold the baby, play with the baby, and then give him back when its time to feed or change him. She can do grandma stuff and I will cover the rest.
I'm saying all of this while I'm in the last month of my pregnancy and Yes I'm tired and don't sleep well but the stress of having my mother here would definitely not help me sleep any better.
Me and my mom have talked about this a couple times, she has NO interest whatsoever in being in the delivery room ... maybe in the hospital in a waiting room, or in a starbucks nearby so she can come once everyones parts are covered to take a look.
She (and my dad) are welcome to stay at the house for a night or 2 (our families live 3 hours away from us) ... but I am an NICU nurse, so I know about baby care, and she wouldn't be one to interfere with my parenting, because she knows I am way more up to date on my baby care knowledge - and I teach parents baby care!
I am not so sure about the FIL's - they are not as comfortable with our dog, so having them stay here would just stress me out, but we will allow visitors from early on (as long as they practise good hand hygiene when touching the baby).
FH plans to take as much time as possible off when we have a baby (aiming for 2-4 weeks if possible) so he will be around to take care of the dog/cat/house/help with baby!
I'm pretty sure I would cry without my mom! Well, I'll probably cry with her there, because that's what I do...But with that being said, it doesn't sound like the relationship you have with your mom would be condusive to a long visit! Stand you ground, as gently as you can :)
While it is common for a mom to come help, it is yours and FH's call. Will the good that she brings (helping out) outweigh the extra stress?
My brother and SIL just had a baby (first grandchild on both sides), and her mom is obsessed! They live four hours away and a few weeks ago, she called SIL and said she missed the baby (she hadn't seen her in 1-2 weeks) and was coming down that day and staying for a few days. I was irritated because it was FH's birthday party- a family only event, and SIL just told me an 2 hours before that she was coming, and only mentioned this to me because we were both at a baby shower immediately before. While I don't envy my brother, if he doesn't set down boundaries, then he takes what he gets. Moral: boundaries!!!!
What kind of cookies?
Aw, I'm sorry she's being all insulted and hurt about this. She's making it about herself when it's really just about you and what you prefer. And like you said, it's only like 3-7 days, not a whole month or something.
When my brother and sister-in-law had their first baby, they felt the same way about it being just the 3 of them for a little while at first, before the family came to visit. For their second baby, my SIL asked my mom to fly out there and stay with them before the due date and for a couple weeks after the kid was born. Same thing with my other SIL's second baby. My mom was honored to go out there and help and loved it, but she would never assume she was invited without checking first.
Point is, I think other adults (grandmas, moms, neighbors, co-workers, whatever) need to respect the pregnant lady and her husband's wishes to have some alone time with their newborn! It's not like you'll ever get to experience that for the first time ever again, and even if you DO end up wanting your mom there, she can come the next week like you said, and that way you won't regret getting bullied into having her there right away.
Okay, now I owe you a cookie. :)
I don't know. My mom isn't in my life and I think I'd at least like the offer of her coming to stay and help, when that times comes. I know it won't happen though. I do think it will be more appreciated than you would expect before you're actually in that situation. I'm thankful that my MIL will be there to help, but then again, she only lives about 45 minutes away and can come and go.
Wow, people seem pretty split about it. I guess it totally depends on personality. I think, whenever the topic comes up again, I'll just let her know that I think she'd be most helpful if she comes and stays with me AFTER DH goes back to work. Otherwise i'd go from having him+me+mom to just me while he works. I think mostly she just had this idea of how it'll go in her head and the shock of it has to wear off. But, I'm glad to see some other people want their "just the 3 of us" space for a bit, too.
The only reason that I would say go ahead and give in to your mom is if your husband didn't get paternity leave. Then I would say yes, you need the help, let your mom come on over. BUT, and that's a very big but, you WILL have your husband there, and if he only gets a week, then I can totally understand why you want it to be just you and your husband. I am a total control freak and the thought of my mom showing me every...little...thing...gives me a panic attack. LOL I know I'll appreciate the help, but my mom knows how I am and will definitely need some space to learn in my own way. Because let's face it, what my mom was told on newborns almost 30 years ago (OUCH) is going to be different now.
As far as advice, I don't have any because I don't have kiddos yet. lol Maybe there is some way you guys could compromise. Would you consider letting her stay over just the first 24 hours you are home? I suggest this not because of the baby, but because of "you." We have all heard the horror stories of giving birth and you just may physically need the help of your mom there if your hubs is busy with the baby...or vice versa. After those first 24 hours, you say adios to your mom for a week. Hopefully everyone is happy. She gets to spend time with the baby right away and then you and your hubs and the baby get your alone time together!
@JSDragonfly, that would be a great way to go about it, but my mom lives 4.5 hours away, so if she came up, it'd have to be for an extended period of time. She couldn't just come up, say hello, leave, then come back. Nor would she stay in a hotel. She'd be around all day anyways!
Well normally I'd say your mom is right. In my fam that is kind of how it is always done... the mom comes and stays for a week or two to help out and then goes home. If I have kids I will be so glad my mom is here at first to help! A lot of times both the mom and the MIL stay, although that seems like too much to me. :)
But.... knowing your history with your mom (interrupting you on your honeymoon, wanting to sleep in your bed after surgery, etc etc) it seems like she has boundary issues and that might be stressful right after having a baby. So maybe in that circumstance it'd be best if she visited after a few weeks haha
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