Post # 1
So my mom came to visit this weekend and got all googly eyed over my niece and nephew and her friend’s grandkids. She started telling me how when I have a baby, she can’t wait to come stay with us and she’ll be there for the birth and she’ll come stay with us for a week or so. I told her I wasn’t sure if *we* WANTED someone living with us for a week right afterwards. She got all teary-eyed and hurt, saying it’s “what mommies do” and how she’s been looking forward to teaching me how to do everything, how new moms mess up if someone doesn’t show them how to swaddle or change a diaper because they don’t know better, how I’ll need help around the house, who will do our dishes? Who will feed the baby while i’m sleeping (to which i said, um, how does baby eat without my boobies? she answered with a bottle. Umm…hopefully not) etc. And i said, “well, isn’t that what my husband is for? He gets paternity leave, ya know? He already plans on being home for a week”. And she was like, “oh…I still want to be there to show you everything”. My dad owned his own business so he had to go back to work RIGHT away.
Long story short, it’s been stressing me out for a few days now. I’m upset that I’ve somehow hurt my mom, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect it to be “just the three of us” for at least a few days or a week, THEN have my mom come stay with me when he goes back to work. Cuz it’s not like she can come visit for a few hours. And she can be a very overwhelming presence. I like to figure things out for myself–i don’t like to/need to be told. I firmly believe i have instincts =]. She has some very strong views on childraising that I don’t necessarily agree with (she told me nobody should hold a newborn except the parents. Um, apparently my dad’s mom never got to hold me as a newborn. How sad! NO WAY can i keep DH’s mom and grandparents away for that long. aunts/uncles, maybe. I’m ok keeping extended family away for a month, haha. they have a tendency to pass a newborn around like a hot potato. I’m not a fan). The idea of my mom showing me/telling me how to do every single little thing already makes me want to cry with frustration. She does that now when she comes and visits (Emily, you’re painting wrong, why don’t you put your dishes away like this? telling her friend we live sloppy-um, we are working on the house. Sorry, that’s how it works!). My mom also made a very bold statement about how she never let my dad’s friends hold me (in case they were sexual perverts!) and uh, DH has already told me if his best friend wants to hold our kids, it’s A-OK with him.
Is it normal for a mom to come stay with their daughter for a few days/week? Is that a good idea and I’m just stubborn? Or does it seem reasonable that I’d want at least, a few days, just him, me, and the baby we have yet to TTC? She was so hurt and insulted about it. I just told her i wanted some time just for us since he’ll be off work, too. But she doesn’t quite get it. Advice or stories to share? I know i’m jumping the gun but dammit it’s bugging me!
Dang that was long. I’m passing out cookies to people who read it
Post # 3
Sorry, but I agree with your mom. You will be very thankful to have her there when the time comes.
Post # 4
Sounds like she’s really over excited about helping raise your future children. I’d definitely stick to your guns with this one. I know it’s going to be hard with my mum when FH and I decide to have kids and it’s definitely going to be hard with FH’s family as they’re all going to want to get involved. We already have a plan where FH barricades the delivery room door from everyone but us and everyone can wait in the waiting room until I and the baby are ready to see them.
Do you think your mom will be more demanding to be involved when you do fall pregnant? Or do you think you’ll be able to reason with her then? Also if you go to prenatal classes and things I’m sure they’ll teach you a lot of the skills you’ll need that she doesn’t think you’ll know.
Sorry, this isn’t necessarily helpful. But I understand the frustration!
Post # 5
Yummm, cookies! What kind?
Seriously, no I don’t think it’s normal for mothers to do this. I think you were right to squash it right away. Sure, I think it would be nice to have all of the help, but like you said, not directly after the birth. How far away is your Mom?
Post # 6
- Wedding: January 2011 - Vintage Villas
I know that it’s pretty common, but I’ve already told Mr. C that there is NO WAY anyone will be coming to stay with us when we have kids. I know it will be his mom who wants to, not mine, and I’m absolutely not okay with that. I want to have the time with my new family, just the three of us, for a while before anyone comes to visit. And even then, hopefully we’ll live close enough to everyone that people can come for a day and then go home. 🙂
So, no, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, and I agree with you 100%.
Post # 7
No! Not unless you want her to and obviously you don’t LOL! I know I wouldn’t want my mom around either!
How can she help if she can’t hold the newborn because she is not a parent???
I really think you should stick to your guns and tell her you would really like it if she would come when DH is back to work. Hopefully by the time you have a baby she will understand and not be so hurt!
Can I have my cookie now?
Post # 8
OMG I thought I was the only one that obsessed over this! I don’t plan to have any babies anytime soon but my mom is constantly telling me how she can’t wait for me to have a baby and how she will quit her job so that I won’t leave my baby in a daycare. She also already told me that I will come live with her for the first month so that she can take care of me…uh NO! I mean I love her to death and I know she really just wants to spoil me and future baby but is it so wrong to want to learn everything with FI. Of course I want my mommy’s advice but I also want to learn everything as we go. My mom also thinks she is super mom, so she thinks that her parenting ideas are the only way to go. So I know for a fact that she is going to drive me nuts and I am going to want to punch her at least once a day LOL. I am dreading this conversatin when I finally do get pregnant lol.
PS. My mom told me she expects her grandkids to call her MOMMA like i do! I was like mom I am going to be their momma and she says no you can be the mom I will be the momma…wtf? seriously!
Post # 9
Sorry. I also agree with your Mom. You have no idea how exhausted you will be, and it will be wonderful to have another set of hands to let you nap,cook some food,do some laundry,etc. I don’t know how I would have survived my first few weeks withOUT my Mom. Men are on their toes for the first week,but then are dropping from lack of sleep, so many times won’t hear a thing. By the second week it catches up to YOU. With Mom there? She’ll be happy to drag herself around and help where needed.
This is a very normal thing,if you have a normal relationship with your Mom.
Post # 10
My mom is just sort of smothering and overwhelming and i know she’ll be hovering over my shoulder 24/7. She’ll be like, “you’re doing it wrong, let me do it” or cluck disapprovingly. And I know my husband doesn’t want to be told how to hold a newborn correctly (um, we have a niece and nephew! He’s held them both!) She actually took a paintbrush OUT OF MY HAND this weekend to correct how i was painting the wall. When i told her to leave it be, she literally took it from me. I know she’s really excited, but she can be invasive, also. I think her being around may keep my husband from being involved, too.
My mom lives about 4.5 hours away.
(@Futuremrsmartin, I asked her that, too! Apparently only parents and her, haha. I told her us and immediate family after they wash their hands!)
But see, my husband will be home from work. So he’ll be cooking and doing laundry. Then when he goes back to work, mom steps in. I’m only talking about a few days, up to a week, just us 3. I’m not banning mom for a month =]
Post # 11
I think it is a fairly common thing for a new mom’s mom or MIL to come and stay and help out. If you have a mostly good relationship with your mom, you’ll probably be happy to have her help when the time comes. Since you already know some of the issues that will arise during this time, maybe you could revisit this with your mom and say you’d love for her to come and you will appreciate her help, but you know this will be a stressful time for you and your husband and these are some ground rules for her stay. Also, you still have time to have some discussions with your mom about some of the things you plan to do with your baby, and why you’ve made these choices and why they are important to you and hopefully you can ease her into respecting your views a little more.
Post # 12
I’m a little torn about what to say to this. My mother isn’t the gooey-eyed type at ALL, so when I had my son last year the offer wasn’t even made. I didn’t expect her to do it, so I wasn’t hurt when she didn’t offer. I may have made the exception for her, but besides my own mom, I didn’t want anyone staying with my and my FI after we’d had the baby.
That said, you just can’t possibly imagine how hard it is that first week. I had an amazing baby and a quick recovery compared to many new moms, and even still it was HARD. You just might really appreciate the help when the time comes.
But, maybe you can come to a compromise with her. Tell her how much you appreciate her offer, but that you would like a few days at home with your new family. Once your SO returns to work you would love to have her help.
In hindsight, I know my mom won’t come to stay with us when we have our second baby, but this time I won’t be so hardheaded about other help that is offered to us. “What’s that FMIL, you want to stop by to drop off a lasagne and take care of baby for a couple hours? YES PLEASE!”
I can also definitely relate to having to struggle with a difference of opinion on how to raise children. My FMIL has some ideas that I do not agree with, and it’s been really difficult to deal diplomatically with this. I realize that she has children herself, and she is experienced, but times have changed, and it’s my turn to raise my child the way that I see fit. Be sure to stick to your guns and not let anyone make you feel bad for your choices.
Post # 13
I don’t think there’s a “should” or a “usually” here. If you want your mom to come stay with you once you have a baby, great! If you don’t, she should respect that. Bringing a baby home is a huge, life-changing thing and everyone who loves you should be prepared to do whatever you need. If that means being surrounded by friends and family (which is definitely what we want!) then I would hope they would all be there for you. If what you need is space to adjust to your new life and your new family unit, then I would hope that all your loved ones would be there for you by understanding that and…well..NOT being there. There’s no right or wrong here–it’s whatever you, your husband, and your baby need. Good luck!
Post # 14
- Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch
I actually think this isn’t that unusual.. paternity leave is a pretty new invention and she probably just doesn’t realize that your husband is expecting to help you in that first week (even if you tell her, she probably hasn’t been able to internalize it yet). I think this is going to be a sensitive issue, and I might not dig in your heels, just yet: when you actually get pregnant, you might find that you want your mom there, even though you don’t feel like it now. In the meantime, you can tell your mom that you should talk about it after you’re pregnant! No good can come out of conflict about it right now!
Post # 15
What a crappy situation 🙁 I can totally see me and my mom getting into this same sort of disagreement when the time comes. Some women just assume that the grandma should be there to help, but it sounds like you are like me and know that having your mom around would just make the whole situation more stressful. But if your mom is anything like mine, she probably has no clue that what she considers help is anything less that wonderful. sigh.
Your mom isn’t coming out of left field here, because what she is suggesting is pretty common in some families. However it ultimately needs to be your decision. (And I agree, you are making the right one). It might be a blessing in disguise that this came up now because telling her that you don’t really want that kind of help is going to be hurtful, there’s no way around it, but at least you are breaking it to here now and not once you’re 9 months pregnant and she’s REALLY excited. Now at least she can get used to the idea.
Are you sure there’s no way to compromise? Can you tell her that having house guests is stressful to you, and that you think it would be much more helpful to your recovery and the baby’s adjustment if she waited a few days, and then visited later by staying in a hotel and coming over for a couple hours each day– that way it’s not too taxing on the baby, you see 😉
Post # 16
Definitely stand your ground. If you already know you will be frustrated by her presence, then be firm and ask her to come at a later time. It’s perfectly ok to be by yourself (without visitors) when the baby arrives and don’t let anyone guilt you into thinking otherwise since you are not the only person who has done so. At the same time, she needs to respect your views and lifestyle and keep her thoughts to herself, even if she doesn’t agree with what you do since this is your life to experience.