Post # 1
I desperately need help with my wedding and am finding next to no help on all fronts. Fiance is entrenched with work and school, up at 4AM most days and back by 10PM.. it’s taking its toll on our relationship, and I’m doing my best to support him while essentially planning our wedding on my own.
I’ve looked to my parents for help – my dad (obviously) does not care, while the first thing my mom said when she learned of our engagement was "I can’t wait to make favors!" I don’t think she actually congratulated us at first, just noted how excited she was for favors. She feigns interest in other areas, and really just can’t wait to start making favors. My fiance’s mom has taken the passive aggressive route and any decision is met either with extreme enthusiasm "OH THAT IS JUST SO WONDERFUL" or "whatever, that’s nice". I get where my fiance is coming from, but holy heck, I need help and I can’t get any.
This evening, my mom showed me the two dresses she was choosing between for the walk down the aisle. First, a flirty off white dress that, while cute, IS WHITE. The second is a leopard print dress with a turquoise underlay – turquoise being one of the wedding colors. She remarked that it "looks really nice on" and "matches the wedding colors" – but seriously – the wedding is taking place in a garden. And she’s been sending me bridesmaid dress photos, many of which look like club wear.
I don’t know what to do. I need help. My maid of honor is out of commission until the day of the wedding (3rd year law school, getting ready to graduate and take the bar – she has a good excuse). My fiance has work commitments. My future MIL is being passive aggressive. My mother is off her rocker.
Post # 3
Yikes! Some ideas that might help:
Disregard your mom and FMILs opinions on BM dresses and such.
Make an excuse for why your mom’s dress choices won’t work (ie off white makes you look washed out in pictures, offwhite will make my dress look dirty/glaringly white/whatever in pictures, the leopard print is too busy- how will you find a corsage to compliment it, it doesn’t work well with her coloring, etc) and then show her some of your "online finds" that you want to go shopping with her so she can try them on. Or maybe just tell her that your FMIL is going to wear zebra print and they will clash! (JK)
Your FH- just remember that all his hard work is for the future well being of you as a couple (and perhaps later as a family). Maybe ask him if he can set aside 1 evening a week (or every other week) to be home by 6pm so you can have dinner together and reconnect- discuss wedding plans, etc. See if you can get away for a weekend- if not- can he take a weekend off and have a ‘staycation’ (no cell phone, no e-mail, etc.)? And also- I’ve found that my husband is not a mind reader. Unless I explicitly spell out exactly what I need/want him to do, he will never just offer to do something. So, have you tried just telling your FI what specifically you need to help with? Maybe he doesn’t know what you need when you just say, generally, "I need help." Try saying, "I need you to research options for ceremony musicians- how much they charge, what songs they play, if they are available on our day, etc."
As for your MOH- I would bet your wedding budget that she would want you to call her up and vent to her! She may not be able to go shopping with you, or help with DIY projects- but I’m guessing she has time to talk and you can run ideas by her and stuff. She’s probably better able to talk you out of your funk that strangers on the internet!
If you don’t mind- let your mom make the favors- it’s one less thing for you!
Do you have any other BMs? Can you call on them? Can you invite them over for a wedding working ‘slumber party’? And get some help?
We all have times during planning when we get overwhelmed by all that needs doing and frustrated by other people’s seeming inability to relate to our plight. Just remember that this too shall pass!
Hang in there! Good luck!
Post # 4
You poor dear. Where are the other BMs? You need them. If you don’t have any, other than the MOH, I’d consider asking a couple of friends. this is one of the major reasons why we have them. They help us.
Not sure what’s going on with FMIL. Hopefully it’s just nerves.
You need to gently guide your mother towards appropriate dresses for the MOB. Go online to view some. Offer to take her shopping yourself. Suggest a nice silver, or jewel toned dress. Something that goes with the color scheme if fine. But maybe not the same color.
Maybe she’s not aware of etiquette. Maybe she has other emotional stuff going on. (She never got a real wedding of her own, and is trying to live vicariously through you. Or maybe she’s feeling old with all of this stuff and the possibility of being a gramma in the not so distant future.)
Good luck. Keep us updated.
Post # 5
- Wedding: October 2018 - LDS Seattle Temple & Hotel 1000
I know no one wnats me to write this, but how about you let your mom be herself? I remember reading a story of a MIL who seemed set on upstaging the bride. How did the bride win the fight? She just ignored the MIL. She didn’t let it ruin the wedding, and in the end the MIL looked ridiculous and the bride was glowing.
You can’t control every aspect of your wedding. You can suggest some alternative options ot your mom, tell her the truth, and then just remind yourself "You can’t choose your relatives."
I am sorry you are struggling with this though. It’s frustrating to have an idea of what you want and be able to help others understand.
Post # 6
Hey…what’s wrong with a little leopard print?
Coming from someone who will wear leopard anything, anywhere, (heck – even my name is Mrs. Leopard) even I wouldn’t wear that as the mother of the bride.
Maybe you can tell her the busy print isn’t slimming in photos?
Sorry you’re going through this. Keep us posted.