my mom wants too much "jewish stuff"

posted 3 years ago in Jewish
Post # 4
7664 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

I would just say no! You’ve already compromised. How far are you willing to go?

I mean, we didn’t do the formal dances at all for our wedding because we didn’t want to. Other people wanted us to, but that was just tough!

Post # 5
1527 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think  you have compromised enough.  I don’t thin the dance is a religous requirement, but rather a custom. 

Post # 6
4760 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I feel ya, we’re in the same boat and my parents want us to do the glass breaking and the hora. We don’t feel super strongly about it and they are fun, so we’re just going to do it. No ketubah signing or anything else though. 

Post # 7
844 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

That sucks. Just put your foot down. At the end of the day, if you don’t plan it, it’s not going to happen, right? So just go, ‘uh huh… interesting.’ and don’t plan! Then just come up with excuses as you go along. I only suggest this since I know that some parents do not react well to direct confrontation, so maybe try to dance around the subject instead?

Post # 8
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

DH idnt want a hora either. We compromised by having it but saying there will be no one going up on chairs. It worked out -people got to Hora (his non Jewish fam loved it) and he didn’t have to participate.

 at some point you’ll have to put your foot down and say No though. Or else new requesta will keep popping up. It was hard to say no for us since my parents were paying but ultimately we all got what we wanted with a little conpromise

Post # 9
6158 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

@sharkey:  you mean the Hora and from what i read, people are now doing the hora at non-jewish weddings.  why don’t you and groom do-si-do or some kind of dance in the middle when everyone dances around you.  if you don’t want to be lifted in the chairs, don’t.

who is your officiant?  are you having a justice of the peace or are you having a rabbi?  if a rabbi, you have already crossed the line into a religious wedding, how religious is up to you.

why don’t you and your FI sit down and discuss with your officiant about what kind of ceremony you would like to have.

Post # 10
641 posts
Busy bee

@sharkey:  Not FULLY on topic, but your post reminded me of a joke:

A priest and a minister and a rabbi all got together to play golf once a month. While they were playing, they would gossip and joke around and chat about their lives, and on this occassion, the subject of church mice came up. The priest and the minister talked about how they had tried traps, and exterminators, and cats, and animal odors, and repairing the old walls, all sorts of things, but the little vermin just kept coming back in. By and by, they noticed the rabbi had grown silent. 

“And what about your synagogue? Do you have mice there?” they asked.

“Oh… well… we did used to… but not any longer.”

“What? Really? How? How did you manage to get rid of them?”

“Well, one night, we laid out an amazing feast out onto the floor and waited for the mice to smell it and gather up into the room.”

“Yes? Yes? and then what did you do?”

“Well, once they were all together into the one room, we threw a big celebraton, and we bar mitzvah and bat mitzvah’d them all!”


“And they never came to temple again.”

Post # 11
3806 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@sharkey:  say no and stick to your guns. you will be called insensitive and mean but just know that its not you. its her.

<–not jewish but this sort of thing happened to me too with other wedding items

Post # 12
6948 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@Bracelet00:  LOL When I was a Catholic Youth Minister we used to tell the same joke, but with the priest saying “Have them make their confirmation!”

Post # 13
1548 posts
Bumble bee

@sharkey:  I’m a believer in big weddings r nt just for u but for ur family as well. I’m think those 3 things are a couple of seconds in a huge day. Sometimes we have to appease our parents but b stern that this is it

Post # 14
2132 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@sharkey:  Just say no!  We are signing a Ketubah, but that’s because *I* wanted it, not my parents.  And our text is secular humanistic….so it doesn’t really say much about Judaism.  But I liked the tradition of it.

We thought about the glass breaking, but the symbolism of “the destruction of the temple” didn’t really jive with what we wanted.  So we won’t be doing it.  Our choice.  And if we do the Hora, that will be our choice too.  We’re still deciding on that- it might be fun!

Bottom line, it’s your wedding! Do what makes you and your FI happy!  


Post # 15
71 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

If you dont want a hora, quietly mention this to the DJ – then you dont need to do the confrontation thing – it will just never happen – tell him to say that he forgot to bring his hava nagila disk =)

Post # 16
1397 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

We are Jewish (he converted) and having a very Jewish wedding, that being said, I had to tell my mom no on a few things.  First, she and my father will not be under the chuppah with us, this made her very upset.  Second, no mention that the lace of her dress will be in the chuppah, (it will be just buried where no one can see becasue it is a dark ivory and the chuppah is as white as snow).  I did compromise and said she could say one of the seven prayers and that seemed to make her happy.  It might just be a Jewish mom thing.  Oddly, we are having the hora and my FI is very much looking forward to being lifted up in a chair.  I on the other hand, am scared and will have a look of horror on my face for the whole thing.

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