Post # 1
My family is jewish. His is nothing but comes from a christian family. I actually converted to paganism when I was 12 although my parents made me have a bat mitzvah even though I didnt want one which they thought would bring me back into the faith. It was a terrible experience.
I really wanted a nonreligious wedding.
My mom started by saying that respecting the jewish culture is really important to her. She wants us to have a Kitubah and for my future husband to step on the glass.
We said OK to both these things.
Now my mom wants everyone to do the Hava Negila. I am not too keen on this by my fiance REALLY does not want it. My mom says all 150 of my closest relatives all look forward to this dance.
Honestly, I think its stupid and can really do without. No offense to anyone that loves this dance – its just personal opinion.
I am not sure where this “compromising” will end since every time we agree to somethign she wants she gives us another thing. I wrote her which I am almost certain will be interpreted as an insensitive email, but I feel like I went through this already with my Bat Mitzvah that I had to let my mom have everything she wants and it really was her party.
Any suggestions on how to handle this? or other jewish things we can incorporate that may please her better that dont invoke my fear of heights?
Post # 3
@sharkey: why not just say no?
Post # 4
I would just say no! You’ve already compromised. How far are you willing to go?
I mean, we didn’t do the formal dances at all for our wedding because we didn’t want to. Other people wanted us to, but that was just tough!
Post # 5
I think you have compromised enough. I don’t thin the dance is a religous requirement, but rather a custom.
Post # 6
I feel ya, we’re in the same boat and my parents want us to do the glass breaking and the hora. We don’t feel super strongly about it and they are fun, so we’re just going to do it. No ketubah signing or anything else though.
Post # 7
That sucks. Just put your foot down. At the end of the day, if you don’t plan it, it’s not going to happen, right? So just go, ‘uh huh… interesting.’ and don’t plan! Then just come up with excuses as you go along. I only suggest this since I know that some parents do not react well to direct confrontation, so maybe try to dance around the subject instead?
Post # 8
DH idnt want a hora either. We compromised by having it but saying there will be no one going up on chairs. It worked out -people got to Hora (his non Jewish fam loved it) and he didn’t have to participate.
at some point you’ll have to put your foot down and say No though. Or else new requesta will keep popping up. It was hard to say no for us since my parents were paying but ultimately we all got what we wanted with a little conpromise
Post # 9
@sharkey: you mean the Hora and from what i read, people are now doing the hora at non-jewish weddings. why don’t you and groom do-si-do or some kind of dance in the middle when everyone dances around you. if you don’t want to be lifted in the chairs, don’t.
who is your officiant? are you having a justice of the peace or are you having a rabbi? if a rabbi, you have already crossed the line into a religious wedding, how religious is up to you.
why don’t you and your FI sit down and discuss with your officiant about what kind of ceremony you would like to have.
Post # 10
@sharkey: Not FULLY on topic, but your post reminded me of a joke:
A priest and a minister and a rabbi all got together to play golf once a month. While they were playing, they would gossip and joke around and chat about their lives, and on this occassion, the subject of church mice came up. The priest and the minister talked about how they had tried traps, and exterminators, and cats, and animal odors, and repairing the old walls, all sorts of things, but the little vermin just kept coming back in. By and by, they noticed the rabbi had grown silent.
“And what about your synagogue? Do you have mice there?” they asked.
“Oh… well… we did used to… but not any longer.”
“What? Really? How? How did you manage to get rid of them?”
“Well, one night, we laid out an amazing feast out onto the floor and waited for the mice to smell it and gather up into the room.”
“Yes? Yes? and then what did you do?”
“Well, once they were all together into the one room, we threw a big celebraton, and we bar mitzvah and bat mitzvah’d them all!”
“And they never came to temple again.”
Post # 11
@sharkey: say no and stick to your guns. you will be called insensitive and mean but just know that its not you. its her.
<–not jewish but this sort of thing happened to me too with other wedding items
Post # 12
@Bracelet00: LOL When I was a Catholic Youth Minister we used to tell the same joke, but with the priest saying “Have them make their confirmation!”
Post # 13
@sharkey: I’m a believer in big weddings r nt just for u but for ur family as well. I’m think those 3 things are a couple of seconds in a huge day. Sometimes we have to appease our parents but b stern that this is it
Post # 14
@sharkey: Just say no! We are signing a Ketubah, but that’s because *I* wanted it, not my parents. And our text is secular humanistic….so it doesn’t really say much about Judaism. But I liked the tradition of it.
We thought about the glass breaking, but the symbolism of “the destruction of the temple” didn’t really jive with what we wanted. So we won’t be doing it. Our choice. And if we do the Hora, that will be our choice too. We’re still deciding on that- it might be fun!
Bottom line, it’s your wedding! Do what makes you and your FI happy!
Post # 15
If you dont want a hora, quietly mention this to the DJ – then you dont need to do the confrontation thing – it will just never happen – tell him to say that he forgot to bring his hava nagila disk =)
Post # 16
We are Jewish (he converted) and having a very Jewish wedding, that being said, I had to tell my mom no on a few things. First, she and my father will not be under the chuppah with us, this made her very upset. Second, no mention that the lace of her dress will be in the chuppah, (it will be just buried where no one can see becasue it is a dark ivory and the chuppah is as white as snow). I did compromise and said she could say one of the seven prayers and that seemed to make her happy. It might just be a Jewish mom thing. Oddly, we are having the hora and my FI is very much looking forward to being lifted up in a chair. I on the other hand, am scared and will have a look of horror on my face for the whole thing.