Post # 1
I got engaged in May and I really thought this would be an exciting time of my life. Instead I am just depressed. When people ask if we have set a date, I just want to cry. My mom will not talk about wedding planning with me. Anytime I bring it up, she says that we will talk about it closer to time. I’m hoping to get married in September at an intimate destination wedding. I can’t keep waiting to talk about it with her.
When I mentioned wanting to get married in the place I want, she got all upset and and ended the conversation. Then she went off crying to my brother about how my FI and I were wanting to elope and we didn’t want anyone there. I’m not sure where exactly she came up with that. Anyways, she told me that if we don’t get married in my home state, she refuses to pay for anything.
The place I’m wanting to get married has an all-inclusive package for $2,000. Round trip flights would be $200 per person, or it would be a 20 hour drive ($300ish for round trip gas per car). Hotels are inexpensive in that area. All I would have to do is show up with the dress, tux, rings, and guests. My mom seems to think that we can find something cheaper here in our home state. I don’t know why she is acting like money is an issue, because I know it is not.
We are really wanting to have an intimate destination wedding so that we don’t have to invite every single family member. I don’t even want to think about how much a wedding would cost here if we invited everyone that we would end up having to invite.
I don’t know how to get her to talk about the wedding with me. I’m running out of time if we are still going to get married in September. I still don’t know if she is going to help pay for the wedding or if we are on our own. All of my friends’ moms were so excited when their daughters got engaged and they were trying to rush out and go dress shopping. My mom has expressed zero interest in any of it. All of this is really making me just want to not have a wedding.
Post # 3
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. That was one of the initial reasons I joined the Bee. The ladies here are so supportive and stood in the gap when I felt I couldn’t talk with my family about our big news. HUGS!!
Post # 4
Don’t talk to her about it. Plan your wedding. You know where you want to get married, you know what you want it to look like. Go start making your vision a reality. You’re a big girl about to get married. If she doesn’t want to pay for it, she doesn’t have to. You and your FI go make your day the best day you can afford. At the point where you’ve decided it’s time to get married is the exact moment your parents feelings shouldn’t matter this much.
Post # 5
- Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY
First of all.. I’m sorry! People react very differently to weddings and engagement. It sounds like maybe Mom is sad her litle girl is growing up? Maybe she had hopes you’d get married locally? Go out to lunch or go shopping and ask her.You do need to start making decisions and it’s only fair she’s forthcoming about what’s going on.
You could also marry quietly and have a big party when you’re back? Sounds like that’s what she wants…
By the way…$2000 all inclusive wedding sounds amazing!!! Dang, that’s less than my photographer. It’s probably not the price she’s upset about. Something else is going on.
Post # 6
I’m so sorry this is happening to you, and I can relate! I was engaged in October 2011 and my mom didn’t know how to handle it at first, partially because I was young (22) when I got engaged. She has had over a year to warm up to it and it definitely took her (almost) that long… Now that we have set a date and the wedding is less than a year away she is finally opening up to talking about it and looking up ideas.
The point – Just give her some time. Don’t talk about it for a while until you have really started to make headway with your wedding. Maybe she will come around then!
Post # 7
@dmk90716: All this. It sounds like you know what both you and your mom want, you just feel bad because those two things are different. Go ahead and do what you wantand don’t talk to her about it OR bend to her will all have the wedding in state. IMO, it’s much better to do what you want, but that’s a choice you have to make for yourself.
Post # 8
@lealorali: I’m not sure if you are suggesting that we elope when you say “marry quietly”, but that would start a war. I’d like to keep a good relationship with my mom. Even though she won’t talk about the wedding with me, we still do have a good relationship.
I really do need to know if she is going to help pay for the wedding. That will honestly make a big difference in how soon we get married. I don’t think there really is a polite way to ask if she will be contributing to the wedding.
Post # 9
I’m sorry she doesn’t seem excited for you. One question though – is she paying for the wedding, or are you? The price you quoted, not including transportation, is fairly inexpensive, which is great. But are you paying it? If not, it might be an issue of money for her? Just a thought…..
Post # 10
@Overjoyed: Yeah same. I doubt I’d be on the bee as much if I had a mom to talk to about this stuff.
Post # 11
I’m sorry that you are going through this. My mom was not happy about my engagement either and for the longest time she completely avoided the subject all together. I’ve been engaged for two years now and only within the last few months has my mother gotten involved in anything wedding related.
Like lealorali said, people react differently to engagements, and all the reasons she listed are all things to consider.
The Bee is wonderful and is full of ladies who will give you advice and support. Honestly, this was the ONLY place I recieved any support of any kind for most of my engagement.
I wish you the best of luck and I hope that your mother comes around soon.
Post # 13
@nyscpa2be: I’m not sure if she will be paying for any of it. I know money is not an issue for her. She just inherited a lot of money. She even offered to help with the downpayment on the house that FI and I just purchased (we declined her offer). I think she just doesn’t have a realistic view on how much a wedding should cost. She told me that I don’t have to have a wedding as fancy as my brother’s wedding. His wedding an extremely basic, no frills wedding. The only thing less fancy would be a courthouse wedding.
Post # 14
Obviously I can’t read your mother’s mind, but I’m wondering is she’s concerned that it will look bad because it is expensive for the guests? Every guest would need to spend several hundred dollars and probably take a day or two off work as well.
I do tend to agree with her that you can probably find something similar closer to home which is easier for the guests, if that is her concern. And you can have the same size guest list closer to home. Anyway, perhaps ask her if that is the issue.
Post # 15
Is it possible that certain important guests will not be able to make it if you have the destination wedding? A destination wedding was just not an option for me because I just got married in September and my 88 year old grandmother refuses to travel anymore this late in her life. If I didn’t get married here, she would not have come. However, we had about 140 people at our wedding (out of over 200 who were invited), but if we had a destination wedding, the majority of those people definitely would not have come either due to finances, getting the time off of work, family obligations, etc. Does your mother have a big family and/or lots of friends? Parents (especially the mother-of-the-bride) get into this mindset where they tend to think that their children’s weddings are all about THEM and what THEY want rather than about the bride and groom and the couple’s wishes. Perhaps your mother is upset that she doesn’t get to have the big celebration of HER dreams, but it’s YOUR dreams that are important here! Do what YOU want. If your mother doesn’t want to pay for any of it because it’s not what she wants, that’s unfortunate but it’s her prerogative–don’t let yourself be controlled by it. Be prepared to pay for it all if you must, but have it the way YOU want it!
Post # 16
If she’s not paying for it (or you’re not planning on her paying for it), just plan your wedding without her.