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I checked invite her, but don't add her to the program. In a recent post, I said to invite the significant other, too. But for your mom and your situation? Invite your mother and don't include him on the invitation, and do not include her in the program. But, only include people that are in the ceremony in the program so that it's not just a slight against her. Have her sit on your side but not at the front, since the people in the front row typically help out with the ceremony. If she can't keep from making a scene in this situation I would consider not even inviting her.
If someone tries to molest you, or disowns you (more than once!!) they don't deserve your time. You're being generous by inviting her to the wedding after all of the drama she is creating! That's my perspective at least. I'm in the camp that thinks that just b/c someone is family doesn't give them free reign to behave horribly with you w/ no recourse.
I would send her an invitation, and when she RSVPs, give her a call and let her know the plan for the day (including your aunt's role). That way it won't be a surprise and if she wants to have a tantrum or not attend, she can do that ahead of time and not on your wedding day.
Thanks @Melissabegins. I just know either way drama will be started. If she's not included (drama from her) and if she is (drama from the rest of my family). Sigh. I hate being put in this situation.
She's also said that I haven't included her in the planning process, haven't asked her to pay for anything, and I haven't asked her to host a rehearsal dinner. WTF? Why would I? She confuses me.
Invite her. Seat her. If you feel charitable, give her a corsage to wear. Don't have her participate in the ceremony- don't call someone else the MOB. Keep everything drama free for the sake of your daughter and the beauty of your day. I don't see why her name needs to be printed on anything either... the only way my name will get to be on any programs for my daughter is if I handle the printing. I take it that she hasn't been involved in the planning or in financing anything- but honor her in the most basic ways- it will reflect well on you, and your daughter will remember it.
@EmeraldR - Technically, I never gave her an invite. She mentioned it and I just said she could come. I don't know. I always forgive my mother but I never forget what she's done. I don't care if she comes or not, but it's the inclusion part that's puzzling me.
I think you need to sit down with her (and just her) and talk about how the day will go. She obviously knows that your relationship has been bad in the past, so it's not like this should be a surprise to her. But I would tell her something like "mom, you know we have had our troubles in the past, and you know that I want to rebuild our relationship. However this is going to take time and effort on both our parts. I would love for you to come to my wedding- I think this would be a big step towards getting us back on the right track with our relationship. However I think that, because of where we are now, it would be best if you attended as a guest, rather than acting in the traditional "hostess" role. I don't want you to be surprised on the day of when you see Aunt Sue preforming that role for me. I really want this all to go well and for this to be a step toward restoring our relationship, but I think we also need to take it slow."
If you say it calmly and put the most positive spin on it as possible, it should help her accept it. I wouldn't mention her not acting as the MOB because even if that's the truth, it will sound really harsh to her, you know? That's why I used the term "hostess".
Good luck and I hope all this works out for you...
Invite and seat her as a guest. She isn't a "parent" figure in your life so I see no reason to have her be an actual part of the ceremony. When she asks what to wear just say, "oh the dress is casual/semi-formal/black tie" (or whatever the case may be. Good luck!
I would say invite her but the role is already filled. I wouldn't allow her to be apart of the wedding party just because others are watching. Allow her to show up and be a guest like everyone else.
If I were in your shoes, just going by what you have written here- when she asks about why you haven't included her in any of these things or invited her, I would have responded "You disowned me, so you gave up the privilege to take part in my weddin, the planning, and being the MOB. That was your decision and you made it. I am sorry if you now regret your decision, but what's done is done." Noone so heartless as to disown her own daughter would ever be allowed back in MY life. She forfeited her right to your consideration and compassion and she damn well better realize what a warm and giving person you are tp even allow her to attend.
you poor girl ... I second the suggestion that your stepfather not be allowed in the wedding - especially if you have a little girl!
You may also want to find out if she thinks she's going to be in the formal pictures. This could also cause drama if you have your aunt and uncle in pictures instead of her.
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I apologize in advance for the length:
So I am 22. My mother has disowned me twice. The first time was when I was 19. Her child molester husband sent me text messages asking if he could see me naked. I didn't tell her and figured it could have been a mistake. But I didn't want to live with them during my summer breaks. I told my aunt this and my reasoning and she ended up telling my mother.
After I got pregnant with my daughter we reunited for a brief period. Then my young brothers began telling me stories of my stepfather trying to fight with them and that they were being starved at home and just overall treaten badly. I was distraught about it and (mistake) told my aunt what was going on. Against my wishes, she called SRS on my mother and once my mother found it, she thought I had something to do with it. She disowned me once again.
Very recently we have been building a relationship again for the sake of my daughter. I didn't give her a tangible invitation because she hasn't spoken with her own family in years and I didn't know if she would want to come to my wedding (awkwardness). A few weeks ago I asked my brother to be an usher and my mother spent me a text saying that she wasn't coming to the wedding because she didn't think she was invited and because of that, she had made plans that would start an hour after the ceremony begins. I told her that she could come. Then she asked if she was only invited because I wanted my brother as an usher....ridiculous. I said no and that she could come since the ceremony would only be a half an hour or so.
So now she's all excited and keeps asking me what color she should wear...I'm guessing that she thinks she will be included in the ceremony. My aunt and uncle have taken the place of my parents and my aunt will carry a rose that will be used in our rose ceremony. I don't know what would give my mother the tip that she would even be included after our past. So here are my options:
- Invite her simply as a guest, don't add her to the program as MOB
- Include her in the ceremony, but seat aunt as MOB would (Might start unneccessary drama)
-Some other option that I haven't thought of yet...
HELPP!!