Post # 1
This post is not wedding related but I didn’t know where else to go about this, so I’m hoping someone out there can help with some advice or even just listen. My mother drives me insane. I love my mom ( I repeat: I love my mom) so dearly but ive always felt that we have more of a sister/ sister relationship as opposed to a mother/ daughter relationship. She criticizes everything I do and even criticizes how I am. She criticizes me for being more quiet and reserved, criticizes my hair for being too long, criticizes the way I do my makeup (she claims she hates the cat eye look?!?) she criticizes the way I dress, gets on me about every article of clothing I own, some shirts “show too much cleavage” while others look like I am wearing a garbage bag. She criticizes the way I walk (because I walk just like my father) she criticizes the way I live (I’m too messy) and has this constant urge to nag about everything (pay your bills! Lock the doors! Don’t stay out too late! make sure you eat! Change the oil on your car!) mind you I am a 27 year old woman who lives on her own, has a college education and has a great job. I’ve supported myself since I was 22. That’s 5 whole years that I have managed…what’s with the constant nagging? the nagging annoys me while the criticizing just hurts! I’ve told her countless times how I feel, but i swear it goes in one ear and straight out the other. We have gotten into so many heated fights Ive lost count. Sometimes I feel like I’m the older one of the two of us because she is so dramatic and opiniated. She even goes as far as to call me, criticizing things I post on Facebook!!! Honestly i feel inedequate and will never be good enough for my mom. It hurts so much, especially hearing those things coming from a mother. I am in a serious relationship and I feel like the constant arguing with my mother might someday start affecting my relationship. no matter what I say to her, she says she’ll change and she’s sorry but never changed. I don’t know what else to do. I cannot bring up going to a therapist or anything of that nature cause she will freak out! She’s supposed to support me and she does the complete opposite! Once she was over my cousins house and over heard the three of them talking about how horrible my makeup looked (again I don’t know why they don’t like my make I don’t even wear a lot, just a cat liner, powder, mascara and bronzer on my cheeks) and instead of defending me like a mother should do, she joined them in criticizing me. When she told me about it (because she seriously thinks I need to change the way I apply makeup) I was soooo hurt I was livid that she didn’t stick up for me. She said she couldnt stick up for me because she agreed with them. She’s terrible! please help me!
Post # 2
Tabrett Maria: My mom is very much like yours, makes me feel never good enough, and as if I have to be told to put one foot in front of the other. I found what works best, in my case, is to try my very best not to show any emotional reaction to her words, no matter how hurt I am, and if I have to say something, I calmly say “I’m sorry you feel that way.” After about six months of that, she changed dramatically and our relationship has improved a lot. There are setbacks on both sides, after all, she knows how to push my buttons, but overall things are better.
Post # 4
Astra: thank you for taking the time to read my post. I’m glad things improved for you and your mother, I fear things won’t ever change for me and my mother.
Post # 5
Honestly, you will probably NEVER change your mother. She has to want to change and then make the effort on doing so. My mother criticizes me all the time as well, especially with my 3 children. I have learned to laugh it off or change the subject. Every now and then I give her a taste of her own medicine, but follow it with “but that’s what you like mom and if you like it I love it.” Don’t let her or anyone else ruin you. You seem to be a beautiful woman inside and out so just let the BS roll off of you and onto the floor. Btw, I love your makeup.
Post # 6
Ouch! I’m sorry you’re dealing with this! Maybe it would be helpful to remind yourself you have no control over your mom’s behavior and she doesn’t seemed inclined to change right now. Perhaps seek counseling for yourself alone first. One of the difficult things about a sister/sister relationship with your mom is that she isn’t your sister and so her judgments and criticism will matter more to you. You aren’t on equal footing with her. I wonder if there is some jealously toward you and that’s what prompts her to be critical? Or possibly she herself was very criticized and doesn’t know a different way to be? Whatever it is you need a supportive safe environment to talk it through and a good therapist can help you do that so that her behavior will no longer have such an emotional impact on you and certainly won’t spill over into your other relationships. Your mom truly sounds immature and that is a loss for you 🙁 once you process that loss you’ll have an easier time dealing with her behavior.
Post # 7
Tabrett Maria: Say: Mom, I love you, but I am grown up, healthy, successful, and happy with myself as I am. If you can’t control yourself and refrain from being crticial of me when I have not asked your advice, then I won’t be able to be around you, talk to you on the phone, etc etc. Please let me know when you think you’re ready to talk or spend time without being critical, and I will give you a chance. But please know if you can’t keep up your end of the bargain, then I will have to leave your company.
AND THEN STICK TO IT.
People like this do it for two reason: because they get some sort of gratification out of it and because other people LET THEM. she absolutely will NEVER change, no matter how much you tell her it hurts you, until you SHOW her that you will absolutely not tolerate it. You will never get results unless you couple the words with action.
She will have to decide what is worth more to her — criticising you about anything and everything, or having a relationship with her daughter. It may be hard at first and you may have to deal with a lot of fallout — passive aggressive or just plain aggressive, but again, if you want change you will have to prove to her that you are serious with your actions. Over time, she will most likely change her behaviors if it means losing a relationship with you otherwise.
If she decides that being critical is more important to her, than maybe you don’t need a close relationship with her after all. Personally I don’t believe sharing genetic coding with someone gives them a free pass to treat you however they please. I believe in surrounding myself with people who lift me up and make my life richer, and that includes family. DNA < bringing constant negativity and stress to your life.
Post # 8
Tabrett Maria: Sounds like my Mom (Is she Asian, by chance?) But I also get called Fat–when I was younger and only 100 lbs, I was still fat. You can only imagine now at 44 and midde age creep, what she says to me.
You can not change her. She will never, ever see your point of view, so dont try to. I just got to a point that when she said horrible things I would say “You are being mean” and walk away. It definitely took things down from a 7 to a 4, still critical but she at least attempted to hold her tongue. But sometimes you could just tell she had holded it in for so long and just a string of them would come pouring out.
But now my Mom is having to deal with the consequence of her action. Now that I’m happily married and dont need them as much, I never contact them. I have friends that call their mom daily or at least weekly. I never call her, she calls me once a month. She is starting to wonder why we arent very close and I just say, “You always criticize me.” She then trys to counter with, “So I can only say good things to you!?!? I cant tell you the truth?” (Because her being critical is a good thing, just being honest) So I say, “Yes, at this age, I dont need you to be “honest”.” She doesnt like it and goes off in a huff.
Post # 9
- Wedding: Frangipani Function room
Tabrett Maria: I also have a very over dramatic mother and I’m 28, I use to think that for years and years she would change or that I could change her. The cold hard truth is that if it were even possible then it would have happened already. My advice is to try to accept the truth and do what is necessary for you to move forward and live your own life the way you wish too. If this means moving to another town, or not allowing her to have as much to do with you so that your sanity and your relationship can survive then so be it but the choice is up to you.
Post # 10
Tabrett Maria: I feel your pain. I am also 27 (for just one more day:) )and my mother is finally starting to get it. She is very critical and controlling. Anything I ever wanted to do was either stupid or amusing. I swear the only thing she wants me to do is obey her, never have friends, and never leave her house. As if I was just a doll that she owned. She never takes me seriously or thinks im someone who is capable of making decisions. When my FH told my mom he wants to marry me she looked at him in disbelief as if he was a magical unicorn with the powers to love something like me. We had some awful fights and I stopped call her and never answered the phone. Now after more then half my life she is starting to change a little. I can tell she tries not to say anything that upsets me and that she regrets how our relationship turned out. Now I just have to work on not hating her so much . Hopefully we’ll have a healthy relationship one day.
Post # 11
You can make a conscious choice to stop giving your mother the power to hurt you. She is never going to be the warm and loving mother of your imagination.
Post # 12
KoiKove: Thank you for taking the time to read my post and sharing your awful experience. Ive gotten the fat thing from my mother as well. Its very hurtful and I hate the negativity it brings in my life. I’m at a point where the last thing i need is negativity (especially with other things in my life stressing me out). Thank you again for the advice!
Post # 13
MrsDrummond2Bee: thank you for reading my post and for the advice! i dont know what the deal is with the way i do my makeup. The picture of my profile isnt me but i have the same features as Kourtney (black hair, dark eyes, tan skin) Maybe someday ill be brave enough to post a real picture 🙂
Post # 14
oOmrsstopaOo: I too also feel like i am a doll. Growing up as a child i was very limited to what i could and couldnt do. Once i became a teen it only got worse (no sleepoevers, no friends over, no going over friends house unless she knew them for a long time and they earned her trust) Everything was “dangerous” and “evil” with her. i also feel like she wants me to be a carbon copy of her. When i am visiting her (she lives in fl i live in new york) we will be getting ready to go somehwere and she will come over and say “see this is what you should wear!” and point to herself, like whatever i am wearing isnt good enough! drives me insane!!!
Post # 15
Tabrett Maria: Block her from facebook, and your horrible cousins too, while you’re at it. That will be a beginning. Then, whenever she starts criticizing, leave/hang up the phone, right after telling her you will have none of that.
Because really, you should have none of that. Your mother is responsible for her immature and stupid behavior, you are responsible for letting her continue that with you. Take action.