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Hi Ladies,
I have a question, but I must preface it with this story.
My mother has been diagnosed with End Stage MSA-P. This is terminal neurological disorder, and she is currently in nursing home in Dallas. My fiancé and I planning are large wedding in Houston, Texas for May 30th and were originally planning for her to be there. In recent weeks, she has taken a turn for the worse, and her disease is taking its toll. The neurologist has told me that her early death is immanent, but they cannot predict whether it will be in 2 months or 2 years.
I have recently been thinking that she just may not make it to our actual wedding, but I can’t imagine her not being able to see me walk down the isle and marry the love of my life. Also, she has known my fiancé since I was 10, and she has been referring to him as “son” ever since we got engaged. She has missed so much in the last couple of years already (my college graduation, seeing my sister off to prom etc…) that I can’t bear knowing that she might miss the biggest day in her oldest daughter’s life.
I was thinking about having a very small, intimate backyard commitment ceremony sometime in April. I have thought about having my fiancé’s uncle (who is also our officiate) just conduct a “commitment” ceremony to where we do not actually say our vows, but in every other way it feels like a wedding. We would commit to wanting to spend the rest of our lives together and maybe then do a unity candle or sand. (We are not doing any of that in our actual ceremony) We would have the traditional things too: my father walking me down in a white dress, my sister standing as my maid of honor, and small celebration/reception afterwards etc…
Does anyone think this is an awful idea? Does anyone have anything to add to this idea?
I have a feeling that my future mother-in-law will disapprove since they are footing the $22,000 bill for our large ceremony. Of course, Nick and I would pay for this smaller ceremony ourselves and this would NOT be the actual ceremony.
HELP!!
I think this is a great idea! It's important for your mom to see you married and happy, even if it wouldn't be "official". And honestly, if your FILs have a problem with it... goodness, that is just about the most insensitive thing I can think of!
I think this is a great idea.
In all honesty, if your mother is dying and you think your FMIL will disapprove of you doing this, then she has to be a truly rotten person. I can't imagine anyone actually saying that.
Absolutely do it. I've known of people who have gotten married in a loved one's hospital room so that the loved one could be a part of their wedding. If you can do something even nicer then I think you should - it's so important to be able to celebrate with everyone, especially someone as important to you as your mom.
I would hope FMIL would be okay with it - it's nothing to get upset about.
Good luck and I'm sending prayers your way.
I saw a wedding on her (hopefully someone else saved the URL) where the person's mom was deathly ill (passed away not long after) and they went with just their priest to the hospital and were legally married there in front of her. It was SO touching (she was too ill to leave the hospital) and I think a few family members were there.
I think it might be smart to do a real wedding - I think knowing she saw you truly get married would mean the most to her. Lots of people get "married" before being married (I am! I needed insurance that my job didn't offer!) and it's common these days.
I just think a "commitment" wouldn't have the same effect as "do you take this man" / "I do" / the whole nine yards.
This is a lovely idea and I am sure your mom would appreciate it. I wouldn't plan to have anything fancy except you should hire a photographer (even if just a friend...) these are not memories you want to miss.
Do it. You will regret it if you don't I think. And I totally agree with Mrs. Louboutin. If she disapproves, she is a horrid person, truly. I think it's a beautiful thing for your mother to be there and I'm sorry about the prognosis
I second the actual wedding part. I would also invite the FIL's. I can't imagine that even if they are paying for the wedding, they would deny you this. Besides, your actual wedding is only a few months away so it isn't as if you are legally marrying months or years ahead.
First of all, I'm so sorry. Big hugs to you and the family, what an awful, tough time you must be going through.
Secondly, I really do think you should do the ceremony beforehand. Your mom will be so thrilled and honoured and it will be so special to all of you. I'm assuming your FILs know the situation and would be present at the ceremony as well. I don't see how they could possibly be upset about doing something like this. It's not like you're wanting to cancel the whole big wedding and lose all the deposity money and whatnot.
I had a former co-worker who was supposed to get married in the spring, but found out her dad had an agressive form of cancer. She moved the whole wedding back about 6 months so he could be present at the wedding and he passed away just a few weeks later. I think the biggest gift she probably ever gave him in life was knowing that she was happy and going to be taken care of. I'm sure your mom would want the same.
I am so sorry you are dealing with this.
I say do an official wedding with your mom present. It will mean so much to all of you to have her be there. You can still do the bigger ceremony and reception later....if your in laws have a problem with it, they need to do some serious soul searching
Go ahead and do it. You will want your mother to be at your wedding. I think this is something that would mean alot to you and your mother. Try to disregard FMIL's comments as she has no right to say anything.
I am not sure if I missed this but is this something that you Mom would want or appreciate? I don't think it is a bad idea, I am just curious what your Mom thinks. Here's why.
My SIL's mother passed away a few months before her wedding and she was in the same position in that she wanted to have her mother there for the wedding so she was going to push the wedding up. Her mother didn't want it that way and requested her to leave the wedding as is and not rush into anything. So unfortunately, her mother wasn't able to make it but she felt more at peace because it's what her mother wanted, if that makes any sense.
I am sorry you are going through this. You know you can come to the hive for all the virtual love and support that you need while you and your family is going through this tough time.
I say def. do it bc you will regret it for the rest of your life if you don't and if FH's parents can't understand then they either don't have to be a part of it and there must be something wrong that if that was them dying they wouldn't want the same....regardless of any amount of money this is your mom.
Yes you should! You dont have to invite everyone (if you dont want to) just your & his immediate family & have an intimate gathering for your mom.
& I am also married and getting married again.. although we were married at the courthouse, we became close to God and now are getting married at our Parish.
a lot of people do it.
I think this is a fantastic idea.
As for your FMIL. Unless she is the spawn of the devil how can she possibly get upset over this?? Your mother is sick with a terminal illness she has to understand that you want your mother to experience you "walking down the aisle". No matter how extravagant the party you are planning is.
Gosh I would even do the official ceremony early. Then the party at a later date.
This IS your mother and someone your Fiance is also very close to.
P.S. I am very sorry to hear about your mom. Hopefully she holds out for 2+ years!!
I have to second the FMIL thing- I think if she's a normal human she'd LOVE to help you do this (but I think having it immediate fam only helps to not step on the actual weddings' toes) but if she doesn't approve or want to do it, I cannot imagine how you or your FI could ever even talk to her again! If that happens, do the ceremony for your mom, have the wedding, thank the in-laws, then cut ties. A person like that doesn't deserve such a caring FDIL.
First off, so sorry to hear about your mom! I have a friend who's getting married in April and her FMIL has also taken a turn for the worse. They weren't planning on this but last Sunday they had a really small ceremony for her parents, his parents, and their best friends. She said it was so special and so wonderful that they could do this for FMIL. I say definitely do it. Your FILs have to understand that.
That's such a sweet way to incorporate your mom... I am sure your future in-laws will understand. Wouldn't they want you to do the same for them if they were in your mom's position?
I lost my mom 10 years ago and I would do anything to have her at my wedding. Having a ceremony that your mom can attend will mean the world to you in years to come.
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this right now. What awful timing...though I guess there's never a good time to deal with something this hard.
To me there isn't even a question here. It's your mommy, of course you want her to see you get married or committed. RoddyBride09 has a great point though. Make sure it's something that she would want as well.
*Hugs*
I think it sounds like a really great idea. I would just make it for close family only since you don't want people to feel obligated to come to both and bring presents for both. I am so sorry to hear about your mother.
I think you should do it too. That will be so meaningful for everyone. I'm so sorry you're Mother isn't doing well :(
I am so sorry you are going through this! Your family, especially your mother, will be in my thoughts and prayers. I think having a real ceremony earlier with your mother is a really good idea. I agree with PP's that if you don't do it you might regret it later. Also, make sure it's ok with your mom first. *HUGS*
I'm so sorry for your mom and your family. That must be devastating.
I think your FMIL wouldn't be that mad... as a mother, I bet she would find it very touching and will understand completely. I agree, if you can pay for it, that might be best since. I would do something for your immediately family (parents and siblings only). I am sure the nursing home has a chaple or a nice garden that you could use so your mom can stay in a safe environment.
Let us know what you decide and how everything goes with the FILs!
Having lost a parent, I say do it! I would love to have my father there for my wedding day and dealing with losing him made me not even want to have a wedding for a long time. Being able to share your day with your mom is important.
My "fiance" and I have been legally married for 9 months now but are still planning a big wedding. I don't think my wedding day will mean any less or be less special because I'm technically married already.
Oh and I forgot to mention that I agree with kjpugs that you should hire or designate someone to take lots of pictures because when she's gone - memories and photographs will be there.
I am so sorry you are going through this!
My friend, whose mother was reaching the end of her cancer battle, had a small ceremony at her parents' house so that her mother could be present. It meant a lot to everyone for her mom to be there.
I think it sounds important to you, so you should absolutely do it.
I think that is a wonderful idea. It would be so nice to be able to have your mom there and get to see her daughter commit herself to the love of her life.
Thank you all for the sweet words and kind advice. I thought I would have a reaction, but I am overwhlemed at the amount of support you have all given. For those who have lost parents, thank you for sharing- you are brave to tell us.
I am going to talk to my fiance today about putting something together. I don't think we will actually get married, but we will arrange the vows to be very similar. I think I will have just my mom, dad, sister, a couple of close friends, the immediate in-laws and Nick's two best friends there. We will probably do it at my fiance's house... he has a quaint backyard area with a beautiful tree. We can have a BBQ afterwards :) I am excited and kind of wish we had planned this kind of ceremony from the start.
PLease feel free tp keep the advice flowing. I need to find a long white dress... maybe a maxi style, so if anyone knows where I can find one... let me know.
i'm so sorry about your mom. that must be heartbreaking. i think it is a beautiful idea to have a small intimate commitment ceremony to ensure that your mom can be part of it.
i think bcbg usually has some white flowy dresses--look on nordstrom's, i remember considering some long white dresses from there for my wedding.
I honestly cannot imagine your FMIL being upset. It would take a very cold person to not understand your situation.
Do what feels right in your heart and try to not worry about upsetting other people. I have a feeling that most people would be very understanding.
I think it is a wonderful idea.
I am so sorry for what you are having to deal with.
@Newnoble...I am so sorry for what you are going through and I think your idea is fantastic! My MOH lost both her parents within a 2 month time frame 5 years ago, and wanted to get married before they passed to her high school sweetheart, but it didnt happen and she didnt wind up getitng married until last June. She really wishes she could have done something so her parents could see.
As far as a dress, both Macys and Nordstroms have a bridal section with some more casual style dresses that are quite beautiful! Let us know what you find and God bless you and your family
Well... M fiance was all up the the idea, and he is going ot talk to his parents today. He thinks his mom will like the idea so long as it's simple and we pay for it.
I don't mind and of course, I want to do something special for her. I am going to make up some cute little invitations and do everything myself. I am super excited and I can't wait to tell my mom.
I think I a going to keep it a secret until I get some invitations made up. Nothing fancy... just somthing simple printed on pretty paper.
Thank you all again for your amazing support!
I'm so sorry about your Mom. I think it's a wonderful idea to do the commitment ceremony. Enjoy every last moment with her and keep your head up!
Like everyone else I think it is a great idea and you should do it. I would hope your future in laws would understand your desire to have a small committment ceremony so your mom could be there if she is not able to make the wedding. Its important to you and Im sure its important to your FI, so do it. Best wishes with everything!
Firstly im really sorry to hear about your mum. My mum has been diagnosed with terminal cancer and like you we dont know if she has 2 months or 2 years so this is a really tough time for you and i feel for you.
We asked my mum if she wanted us to bring the wedding forward and she said she didnt want this and that none of our plans were to change, so they havent. However a smaller ceremony aswell as the wedding is a great idea and something i hadnt thought of.
Have you asked your mum what she thinks? xx
I'm so sorry to hear about your mother.. I agree with the other bees - I'd have something soon. However, April and May are very close together... Why not do it sooner? Invite your inlaws, too, but i'd skip the back yard party part. Best of luck to you and your family!
I'm so sorry to hear what your going through. I agree with everyone else if it isn't offical I think it's important for your mom to see it. I know she would love to be a witness to the cermony also. I would of love for my mom to see me get married one day unfortunately she died three years ago. If I were you I would totally do it and don't worry about what your FMIL thinks . You need to do this for you and your mom and your footing the bill there should be no problems.
I am so sorry. I know what it is like to not have your mom with you on your special day. My mom passed away from cancer almost 11 years ago. I am having a hard time with this post, but I just wanted to let you know that it is very important for you to do this for both you and your mom.
I'm so sorry to hear about your mom's condition. *hugs*
I think you should definitely have a ceremony soon (sooner than April if possible). And also, if I may lend some advice (my mother passed away 6 years ago), try your hardest to spend as much time with her as possible. Although I spent a lot of time at the hospital with my mom in her last weeks and days, I still have some regrets about not being there enough. Good luck, and I wish all the best for you and your family. :)
I think it's a wonderful idea! This memory will live in your heart forever, and you will be SO happy you did it, as will your mom. On the flip side, I think you'll regret it if you don't.
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